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Avatar universal

Dealing with in-laws during pregnancy

My edd is June 21, which puts me right at 6 months pregnant.  Here lately, my in-laws have become worse and worse at letting me know when they're coming to town, this past weekend they gave me an hour's notice that they were here and coming over and they live an hour and a half away.  I've already handled that problem, but they've recently told me that they're planning on taking off a week or two for when the baby comes and they need a place to stay since they can't afford to stay in a hotel that long...the last thing I need right after labor is my in-laws staying in my house with my newborn baby and DH for 2 weeks!  I really don't want any visitors until several weeks after the baby is brought home, so my DH and I can spend some quality time with him.  How do I politely set boundaries with my in-laws without hurting their feelings.  My MIL has already gotten emotional when I told her to give me more notice before coming into town, saying "It's my grandchild too, I should be able to come over anytime I want."  Any advice would be great.  Thank you in advance...

Anna
24 Responses
Avatar universal
I had the SAME problem with my in-laws too!!!! What we did was send out a nice, polite letter to all friends and family (that way in-laws couldnt say we singled them out) saying that for the first couple weeks, we were not accepting any visitors. People could call and stuff, but no visitors. Then after we got home, we put a note on the door saying "thank you for coming, but we are having quality family time alone right now. Please come back later." and put a date and all on it. Seems mean and rude, but its honest and its applies to everyone, so noone feels "left out" if you know what i mean.
HOpe this helps.
Good Luck!
Christina
Avatar universal
Ok, this can be touchy.  I felt the exact same as you.  I told my in laws up front that my mom would be staying with me to help out for the first week or so.  They were ok with that.  I thought it would drive me crazy with them there.  I was wrong.  It was a welcomed break.  They came when my son was 4 weeks.  It was nice to be able to go for a walk, take a nap, etc without worrying about caring for the baby.  Maybe you will change your mind.  If not, you have to be honest and upfront from the beginning or tensions will build.  Is this your first?  Good luck.
Avatar universal
Yes, this is my first.  My mother lives in town and when I told her about wanting to spend the first couple of weeks alone with the baby and DH, she completely understood.  And my mom is the kind of mom that is VERY aware of how people are feeling and trying not to be rude, she wouldn't even chance it.  But my MIL isn't that way, and also to note, my MIL weighs 300 pounds, is diabetic, doesn't cook, doesn't clean, and needs as much (medical) attention as the baby does (and FIL smokes like a chimney and had adult ADD).  I can't see how having the in-laws would beneficial here, I mean, I guess if I wanted to go out and take a walk or lunch without the baby, then that would be nice for them to stay and watch him.  But, I can see me needing help around the house (cleaning, cooking, etc.) more and I don't think they can do that.  

I have already talked to my SIL (my brother's wife, not related to in-laws) about it and she said she never had to talk to my mom since my mom was really conscience about intruding, but that I'm probably going to have to send a note or something.  Thank you both for the advice and keep the thoughts coming, because I have a feeling next time we visit the in-laws, this conversation is going to happen...
108334 tn?1253647995
How does DH feel about this all? Does he agree with you? I would talk to him about how to talk to his parents about it. They should understand that this is your new family and you want some time to adjust to it before being hostess. I don't think it's fair for her to play the "it's my grandchild" card on you. My MIL was like that with my niece and nephew to my SIL (dh's brother's wife). I don't have any advice on what to say, but hopefully DH can hekp you with that. I wish you luck with that and the rest of your pregnancy!
Avatar universal
Hmmm, this certainly is indeed a sticky situation. totally understandable that you just want to be alone with the baby and hubby after he/she is born.
i wanted that time too. one good thing for me about having a c-section was i was in the hospital for about 7 days so visitors were limited and they had the whole week to come and see the baby. so when i went home, no one really came because they got their "fill" at the hospital.
anyway, i do know a couple people who had a baby and the MIL came to the house to see the baby, help out, whatever. well, the MIL totally took over holding the baby, bathing it, changing it, rocking it. she didnt even sleep over! however, was there daily.
that in turn made them resent the MIL and felt as if they missed out on that bonding time with their baby.
what is your financial situation like? would it be at all possible to set them up in a cheap hotel? hotels are usually pretty cheap during the week. then you could tell them YOU will give them a call when it's a good time for them to come by and see the baby. like, "we'll give ya a call around (whatever time) so you can come by."
do you even have the room in your home to have people stay over?  i mean everybody is on different schedules (go to bed different times, get up, shower, eat..) and this just throws off the whole environment for everyone. it's stressful enough to take care of a newborn and you want to get to know him/her without any added stress.
what does your husband have to say about it? why is it all "on you"?
Avatar universal
Try telling them that your pediatrician feels it is best to limit visitors for the first 2-3 weeks.  (true, anyway!)

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