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Avatar universal

Helping a Friend During a Painful Process (open)

Hello ladies, (and what few gentlemen spend time here.)

I have a friend who will be going in for an abortion later on this week.  Although I have miscarried in the past, I have never had a clinical abortion, and want to make her as comfortable as possible.  She's not the sort of girl who asks to have her hand held very often, so I know this bothers her, and I want to support her as best I can.

So I address those of you who have had a clinical abortion:  What do you think would make this young woman comfortable in the hours and days after the proceedure?  I have until Thursday afternoon to get this decided on, but she'll be staying with my husband and I for a few days while she recovers.  (She is a young adult who is in college and lives with her parents, and doesn't feel that it is any of their business.)

Let me know.
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Avatar universal
If you reread your comments above, it really does sound like you were pretty nonchalant about having three abortions.  I've read many of Glad's comments on MH, and she does seem to be a genuine soul.  It sounds like you have had some unfortunate circumstances in your life.  Maybe if you would have posted differently, you would have received a different reaction.  Please look over the threads before you respond, and think about what I am saying.
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107860 tn?1302926740
19 years old and pregnant! so what! I think she's gonna get the abortion because she's scared, and doesnt want to tell her parents!
What happends if she goes home, and is put on bedrest, what happens next?
THe parents are gonna ask alot of questions, if she tells her parents, most likely they'll help her.
I think she needs to grow up.. sorry!
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126762 tn?1325261805
wow - I try really hard to avoid these kinds of threads but this one just really got to me. Abortion shouldn't be a difficult decision - it should be this easy: she did the deed, she knew the risks, now she needs to deal with the consequences. Once you get pg, it IS NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. It is about your unborn child - that yes, is a human being with a heartbeat. If you don't want to have to deal with a pregnancy, than don't risk getting pg! I really wonder about the father in all this - does he know he has an unborn child?? Does he know that she is planning to end it's life? What a sad world we live in...

I have had two m/c - if she doesn't want this baby, I would happily adopt it. So give up 9 months of your life to give this baby a chance at life - adoption is a much better way to go.
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Avatar universal
This is a rebuttal to the harsh comments you made about my past.  For your information, you do not know me, or the circumstances that brought me to have those abortions, so who are you to judge me.  I'm sorry but if you had one yourself you have no right to judge me period.  And to tell me to use a condom.  I was on the BCP since I was 14( had ovarian cysts doc said it would help), so there's protection layer #1, and I always use condoms, as we know no method is perfect, so there's protection layer #2, and even with a condom I have a 'no cumming inside' rule, layer #3,  Seems like I am ultimately protected right?!  My first abortion was at 18, I was raped by my step-father (please no sympathy or comments).  He just got out of jail and will be on probation for the next 5 years.  I had an abortion at 16 weeks because there were birth defects that were life threatening to me and the baby, at 23.  And my last abortion was one of personal choice, I was leaving my abusive husband and having experienced his disinterest and lack of responsibilty towards our 1 year old daughter, I couldn't see allowing another child to have to go through that, plus there was no way I could have afforded being a single mother with two kids, and before you ask, No I don't have any support, systems, no family nothing, I would be doing it by myself.  I wasn't allowed to have friends or socialize because my husband was like many typical arabic men, possessive and controlling.  I am now married once again, and my daughter is being loved very well by her stepdad and I am 13 weeks pregnant.  I would like to know how you would have handled these situations if they had been on your plate and not mine.  I was only giving the poster some background info with some experience to give her more information.  Real actual experienced information, so she could make a well-informed decision.  I see now that my mistake was deciding to whole-hearted want to help someone.  You can't judge people for what they chose to do in their life, especially when you yourself are guilty of the same 'crime'.  How dare you.
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Avatar universal
i never said you were fake, silly maybe but i never said fake. laugh away, i dont even know what you are talking about! and as for your bf who would want him???? my HUSBAND is perfect for me thank you. good day.
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Avatar universal
PGB
I usually try not to say anything just read when things get heated up like this, but today, I just can't.  I personally don't believe in abortion.  For myself.  But, this is a free country.  My brother-in-law just came home from a year in Iraq fighting for that very freedom.  I have never been in a situation where I had to make the choice.  My husband & I were already engaged when I got pregnant with my first & married for 2 years when the 2nd came.  I like to believe that if I were in this position, I would keep the baby and raise and love it.  Or at least have it and put it up for adoption.  There are so many people out there who are dying inside because they can't have children.  But, I can't know for sure, because I haven't been in her place.  I do commend you for trying to be there for your friend.  I just think it was incredibly inconciderate and cruel to come to a site where so many women come for support when ttc to discuss this.  I imagine they felt like they had been kicked in the stomach when they read it.  And for the girl who has had 3 abortions, honey, your local health department will GIVE you a whole bag of condoms if you go ask for them, at no charge.  Once is a mistake.  Three times is stupidity.  Sorry in advance if I offended anybody, but I tend to call them like I see them to.
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Avatar universal
may be i should try to get a voodoo doll for u then........lol... u are the only person on this site who keeps getting at me & keep beleiveing i'm a fake thread.....i always have to laugh at your drunk comments....i know for a fact my fiance would be more than u would ever imagine just b/cuz YOU ARE VERY HATEFUL TOWARDS ME.........i think i remebered i had a posted and aplogized to YOU yes you mrs saliorswife, as well as all the  others i had problems with.....if u don't want to accept it just leave me be that's ok...... you read what u want & just judge i came back & realized what kinda person sorcor was..........but i also realized the kind of person u are also....you poor soul....so i would laugh at everything u say from now on to me..........ONE BIG HARTHY LAUGH
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155461 tn?1207864771
okay seriously I don't agree with abortion, I too have had one about 12 years ago and never have forgotten it and here I am 3 kids later... BUT, we don't know the circumstaces behind her decision! I DO think that her decision should have taken longer than it did UNLESS she was raped! The sad thing is the girl who has had 3 abortions like it is a form of birth control! Thats crazy! The thing is there are a lot of women who have had an abortion for one reason or another but to keep doing it over and over like it is nothing is really bothersome to me! I learned my leason the first time and will NEVER have another one. I was 16 at the time and did feel pressured into it! Whould I do it again? Well if I had to do it again I would have protected my self so I wouldn't have to do it again. I feel for the ladies that are TTC and my heart goes out to them! I think they are very strong women to be going through what they are! My hats off to them. It is a very touchy situation but what we have to understand that there is a difference of opinions and beliefs that many people don't agree with! That is life! I have some friends that have had abortions and I totally understand why and I have some that I look at with disgust! I do applaude the girl for going to get a form of birth control after the procedure, atleast she is going to do that and not be like the other girl that uses abortion as a form of birth control! I love this site and really value you ladies opinons on here! You are all great! But everyone is different!
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127124 tn?1326735435
I don't believe you came her to find out how you can SUPPORT your friend during her abortion.  You would do the same thing you do everyday.  Be there for her. If she wants to talk be there to listen.   You said you waited for a few days to bring this up - this indicates you knew it would stir things up.   When my friend had her 2nd mc in 5 months I asked the girls if I should bring it up to her or not say anything (I have never had a mc) and didn't know which would be more upsetting but never once did I wonder how I could support her - I knew by being there for her and doing our daily routine of talking would help her.   I hope you figure out reliable bc soon because the thought of you having children or doing foster care makes me feel sick.   I'm for everyone making there own decisions, but as a true friend I hope you helped her to realize all her options besides abortion.  The way you worded her situation makes me wonder if she was raped.  I hope not because that along with pregnancy would be overwhelming for anyone. I don't see how a decision to abort would not be difficult.
Island: You annoy me!  Make up your mind and stick to it.  You are always doing a 180 and never stand up for what you believe.
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Avatar universal
soror you need to read again what you have said in all your threads on here. you say one thing then say another. you said YOU have untill thursday to decide. what to decide? you have tried so hard to sound so educated that you have also ran around with your sentances. i laughed at your previous post when you referred to children as mutant antichrist. im thinking you have some serious issues. you want to "save" this girl but you need some help yourself. live your life how you want. go to gay bars, have your fun, but when you say you had a "stint" in college and ended up pg 3 times and all mc and you are thankful for that , well how intelligent is that? you are so against babies , and so educated, but after the first time you couldnt remember to use bc in some way? you were givin the exact info you wanted by glad, and you turned it down. your tone in your writing is on the hateful side and you seem to need to really tell yourself how much you despise children. good. you dont deserve to ever be a mother.

island you are more than i can handle. it was nice when you disappeared. you are beyond help. maybe YOU never reproduce as well. being a mother is something that is special and you my dear will just mess it up. give it a break, enjoy your so called sex addicted boyfriend (that is all he will ever be) and move on to a site the specializes in "island love" .
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Avatar universal
i do have a small apology to make and that is my long post above appeared AFTER yours from last night. you had already addressed some issues that i "presented" to you but other than that, i still feel strongly about what i wrote. i do feel that i (and others)interpret you quite well but you are just so strong willed you don't like to hear what others have to say. you are the one who put your life out here. if you don't want comments made then hit the "delete" key before you hit the "send post" key.
the more you write, the more we can "read" you. you sound very intelligent and articulate but your age (still young compared to most of us)peeks through your writing. so much of what you write explains the reason for your initial post of "snip or not to snip". i do wish to clarify that the fact you do not want children does not bother me in the least. i decided that in my late 20's early 30's that may be the way i want to go. however, someone else decided for me that's not the way to go and i found out i was pregnant. like i said, i am not sure i want anymore? i dont know. i respect people who know what they want. they just need to be willing to look inside themselves. there is a reason WHY you hate children. just know what that reason is.  
you cannot post here and just ask to have your question addressed and expect others not to digress or open their own lives and hearts. it just isn't realistic. besides, in your title you write "open" which means to us "open forum" so that is an invitation to say what we want to say. whether or not we adhere to the topic at hand which is how can you help your friend during this painful process?
my question to you is this. let's say you are like most woman here on MH TTC for years and anti-abortion. let's say your heart aches to carry a baby in your belly and hold that baby in your arms never letting it go. let's say you walk down the street seeing moms and dads pushing strollers wishing it was you. now, your 19 year old friend comes to you that she is pregnant and contimplating abortion. tell me your instincts would be the SAME as they are now with you....that you are remaining neutral about it? are you telling me that those "anti-abortion" (for arguments sake) beliefs wouldn't "leak" through your discussions with your friend? it's only natural.
i guess my long winded point is present her/educate her about ALL OF HER POSSIBLE OPTIONS. have you done that??? does she know what her baby is like at 7 weeks? does she know about each proceedure inside and out? does she know about adoption and what that entails? have you presented scenarios about what her life could be like if she keeps her baby? not every life is destroyed with a baby. fill her in. i feel everyones situation is different. the very least she should be educated about all options in the end so she can confidently say, i made the right decision with the information i had. no regrets whatsoever. isn't her procedure scheduled for tomorrow?
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Avatar universal
First of all I like Oceans TRIED to hold my tongue, and secondly I am NOT ANTI-choice. I'm all for choice but totally believe the time for choice takes place BEFORE pregnancy.


Contrary to popular belief, nineteen does not equal stupid...the decision was NOT difficult, though she is worried about the proceedure itself.

How on earth can the decision to end a pregnancy, no matter how the pregnancy came about be "NOT difficult"??

As for her worry about the procedure itself... The "procedure" is no picnic for the unborn child either and I quite frankly am glad that it won't be a walk in the park. It SHOULD be difficult and memorable. Maybe this will prevent her from doing this again.

And a final note.. You claim to be her friend. Have you told her what these women have said. That the medicinal abortion is a lot more painful and difficult than the cinical abortion? Have you given her the information you have obtained from these knowledgeable women? This information might educate her and that's what friends do on top of simply holding someone's hand. If you haven't shared this thread with her, then you are NOT the friend you claim to be.
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Avatar universal
i hear u mslkpage.....& i read what her last post was check it

So I'm 25 and childless...and have no desire for children whatsoever. It is not the sophomorish cry of 'NO BABIES OMFG', this is the decade-long choice not to bear children. I'm looking at my options.

1.) Birth control for life - I'm not into the entire, inflated-breasts/erratic-moods insanity associated with them, and having taken them on and off for several years I'm not keen on going back.
2.) Husband gets a vasectomy - The idea of my husband getting his bits snipped or sharp objects going even remotely close to his junk makes me fear for his manhood.
3.) Implatation method (long-term birth control) - I'm concerned that something will go wrong and I'll end up menstruating 24/7 like a friend of mine did on Depo.
4.) Barrier methods forever - It's true what they say, condoms don't feel the same, they really, really don't.
5.) Tubal ligation - By far the best choice in my eyes, but I hear lots of horror stories about hormone levels changing and early menopause and ovarian damage and estrogen levels going all wonky and ugh.

SO...in my place, what would YOU do? I'm interested in any and all relevant feedback, but please, as much as I love you, spare me the entire 'Why dont u want chirren' bit? I've been over it and over it.

she's not stirring trouble...........SHE IS TROUBLE.....................I JUST REALIZE THAT...CR*P
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93654 tn?1247499334
It's reading between the lines. Sometimes, people try to stir sh*t up, and disguise it as a question when they are perfectly capable of figuring out the answer themselves.
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Avatar universal
y is it that u guys always thing someone is here to stir up trouble??????..............that  is so stupid to think of..........i don t agree with the orginial poster about abortion i hate that idea (that is my opinion)....... but damn u guys really don't read properly u just read what u want & accuse u guys said alot of harsh things to that chick & i love how she dealt with it.............damn it's annoying how u guys claim to be understanding, but still don't care..........:(
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Avatar universal
I'm sorry, I can't give you advice on how to be there for her .I know as a friend you want to help her, but maybe being there isn't the best way to help her. I understand everybody makes mistakes. I was 17 when i got pg.. No, I don't feel like it was a mistake, it was ment to be. I have a healthy little girl now. I look at her and think - If I would of listened to my "friends" she wouldn't be here. God gave me this baby for a reason. She didn't ruin my life at all. I look at it as it was ment to be that I had mine so young. I am 28 now and am not able to have anymore children. maybe that's why I received such a gift from God at 17. There is a reason for everything.At the time we don't know what it is, but after a while we figure it out.
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Avatar universal
Statement:  Talk about people ignoring the parts that they don't want to hear...ahh well.  After all the ranting, fussing, reported crying, whining, and accusing, after all the insults thrown this way and that, I've realized that most of the women on this forum have pretty good heads on their shoulders, and yet at the same time, there are a lot of you who are often guilty of the same things you've been accusing me of all night long.

So here's the run-down ladies.  Those of you who have been kind enough to express your experiences to me, please accept my deepest thanks.  You've given me perspective on something I approached this forum for, and watched threads for a few days in preparation for asking *just this question.*  It was information that I needed, and when combined with my own research and reading on the matter, have rounded out my understanding, which is what I wanted.

The good news for those of you who have been unable to read a complete sentence (even when written multiple times, sailors wife) or are reading far more deeply into my responses than even an issue-hungry 'cry for help' school counselor would (my christ that was funny, Oceans), is that my purpose here is served, the information I wanted is captured, and I'll be on my way.
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Avatar universal
very contraversial topic.  Throwing this up in the air on this site is like requesting world war 3.  The origanal poster got angery.  Did she not think that there where going to be things said like that.  My Friend "J"  Is 5 weeks away from giving birth, she is 21  She partied hard.  Drank popped pills.  She was having a good old time.  She never wanted kids.  that was how she felt the fist time she moved in with me.  Then she got pregnant.  She did not want to be she just turned 21 she finnally was able to go to the bar and drink legeally...sorry spelling sucks.  up until about three weeks ago she may still do it she cried said she did not want to be a mom.  I just told her when she was six months pregnant if she changed her mind she could give the baby up.  She now has a name for her and has chosen  the god parents.  J still has a long way to go.  she lives with me again due to no where to go and a baby on the way.  she is not sure who the father is but she is going to do her best for this child.  I would never abort a baby because I did not want it.  Somebody does..........................
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150483 tn?1212168556
First off,I know I said I would stay away but reading this I just can't.First let ME tell my story before saying I am 100% against abortion!!I had my son at 18 still in HIGHSCHOOL to my first love who had already graduated & was working.I NEVER thought once on abortion.I think thats selfish & cowerdley.I carried baby full term graduated high school & went to college with him right beside me.I got married & have been married for 12 yrs!My dh is making GOOD money.I choose to stay home.Had 1 more dd & am trying for 3rd.I live in a 400,000 house drive 3 cars & my ds is on the honor roll!!!SO dont come here telling ME that having a chid at an early age will keep you from having all the acomplishments in life,bc it doesn't.Everytime I look at my ds I cry bc he is the BIGGEST acomplishment, IN my life.MONEY,EDDUCATION & MEN come & go but your kids & their love is FOREVER.I'm not saying what to do or how to do it.But abortion is the selfish,easywayout & lazyest way to live life.I struggled & been threw hard times.And it is never easy.But I will never have the guilt.Or the what if's.And thats all I have to say about that....

Hey,girls.How have ya'll been?I thought the drama would come with me but I guess not.It's sooooooo Good to be back...nanis
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Avatar universal
i couldnt even finish all the posts before responding. my best friend is 31. when she was in high school and 16 she got pg. her parents ordered her to have an abortion. she refused. she had the baby. everyone said it would ruin her life. well let me tell you. she finished school. with good grades. she worked part time while doing this. she then married the father. then 3 years later she had baby #2. well now she lives in a $400,000+ home. a new expedition, she is employed well and they are a happy family. they have love and they have it better than many that graduated college with some phd and then some. how do you know it will ruin her life? to me a ruined life is when you end up in prison with a life sentance. not having a baby. did you talk her into this???? now, i understand that sometimes situations are not best for having a baby and abortion may be the best. but to say it will ruin her life is not true, i think you put ideas in her head.

now! to have 3 abortions and then talk about it like you popped a damn zit is rather disgusting. i have had that pg scare in the past. i wasnt after all and who knows what i would have done. its like getting a dui. you would think after the first time you would learn. not continue to do it again when there is a simple way of NOT getting another. i guess now i will have to go back and read all that i skipped. i had to speak before this was closed. im trying to keep my emotions under control here and not fly off the handle. why does everyone have to call names? the left winged call the right this and vica versa. some say its ok to be one way and curse the others, but cant stand up to the same being done to them. its her choice and her life yes, as long as she makes the decision on her own and not influenced by someone who thinks her life is ruined or that the next abortion will be a piece of cake. sigh.
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93654 tn?1247499334
Oh, sorry, I thought you were asking about emotional support. I've had 2 D&C's for abnormal pregnancies, and it is the same procedure as an elective abortion. I was moving around the next day and back at the gym after 3 days. Get her some aleve, a fluffy pillow, and some funny movies, and she'll be fine. They should provide her with post-op instructions that tell you what problems to look out for. And if you were wondering about emotional support, then refer back to my last answer.
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Avatar universal
I don't post on here very often, but always get a little agravated when I read about people trying to push their beliefs on others.  Although, there are many women on here TTC, this is NOT the TTC forum.  It's is a women's forum for all women's issues.  I can sympathasize with this young women as I am a college student myself.  I agree with the original poster that it would ruin her life.  Right now the most important thing for her to do is get her education.  If I found myself in the same situation, I know I would make the same choice.  Not because I am selfish and only care about myself, but because I know I wouldn't be able to provide for my child.

Soror: I have not been through an abortion myself but I have known people who have.  When she comes home she will probably just sleep for the rest of the day.  I would ask the clinic if there is anything she can take for pain afterwards.  I would assume ibuprofen.  I had the Mirena IUD for about 3 months, when last week my body decided to reject it.  It was the most painful experience of my life.  I went to the doctor immediately to get it removed and was sore for several days afterwards.  Could not lift anything, sit up for long periods of time and it even hurt to go to the bathroom.  Let her know that if she gets an IUD, before she has unprotected sex with anyone to make sure they are free of STDS.  My doctor told me that if I got an STD on it, I would get so much scar tissue I would be infertile.  I commend you for taking care of her, and not being judgemental.  Good Luck!
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Avatar universal
I had an abortion 15 years ago when I was 20.  It was the right choice for me at that time.  If I were to be in the same situation as I was then, I would do it again.  It absolutely has not destroyed my life.  I am comfortable with the choice that I made.  I have gone on to have children and am still ok with that choice.

To the original poster.  The days following the procedure were not that difficult.  I was pretty numb emotionally.  It took a week to really have the whole situation sink in.

From what I understand, the pill is more painful then actually getting the medical abortion.  It is her choice.  

I am glad that she has a friend she can go to with this.  As you can see by some of the posters, there a quite a few pro-life fanatics when it comes to this issue. What they don't realize is that their behavior is a complete and utter turn off and will not change a woman's mind.



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Avatar universal
*reminder*
No one is pushing beliefs from my end.  She asked for opinions, she got them.
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