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Avatar universal

Hymen will not break

Hello there; my girlfriend and I have been experiencing problems with sex.  As the title indicates, her hymen does not seem to want to break; she is 23 years old, and I am her first partner.  She is my third sexual partner, so I know we're doing things right, mechanically speaking, and I believe I am applying enough pressure to break the hymen.  It is very difficult to try and penetrate her, though, because when I try and push my erect penis into her, there is like a wall that keeps me from getting in, and to push harder hurts both my partner and my own penis (I am afraid it might snap if I push too hard).  We have tried using a vibrator with lubricant instead, but that also hurts her too much, and she doesn't like the vibrator anyway.

I don't want to hurt her, and I thought something was wrong, so I suggested she visit a gynecologist (she has also never had an actual check-up before, which also worried me).  I wasn't actually in the room, of course, but apparently the gynecologist stuck a metal rod into her to take some readings, and she said the pain was so severe that she screamed.  The gynecologist, however, told her that everything was normal, that the hymen was still there and intact, that nothing was too tight or malformed or otherwise abnormal, and that she refused to perform a hymenotomy.  She said to just keep trying normally, and prescribed an estriol salve called Oe-Kolp that my girlfriend is supposed to inject into her vagina every evening for three weeks, though we were not told what the effects of this salve are (painkiller? hymen loosening or thinning? relaxant?).  

My girlfriend is very upset about this whole thing, and she wants to visit a different gynecologist to get a second opinion; she is very keen on getting a hymenotomy done, because she says the pain of inserting objects in her is too extreme.  She also says that she has never inserted her own fingers into her vagina without it causing pain, and that she has never successfully used a tampon.  She thinks that both her hymen is unusually solid and that she is extremely sensitive to pain in her genital area.  With all this in mind, we basically want to know this:

1) What could be wrong, keeping in mind that the gynecologist said everything was all right?
2) How much pressure should be necessary to break the hymen, and at what point should we decide that we're definately pushing hard enough, and that there must be some kind of problem?
3) What is the point of this estriol salve?  What does it actually do - what effects should she notice?
4) Would painkillers of any kind help relieve the pain of first-time intercourse?  Would any other substance or technique?
5) Given the circumstances, what sex position would be most comfortable and best lend to penetration?  Neither of us are at all fond of the missionary position, as it seems to make penetration all the more difficult, but if it must be, then it must be.
6) If the hymen is the problem, why can't she have a hymenotomy?
7) Is it possibly some problem that has nothing to do with the hymen, and if so, then what could it be and how could we overcome it?

I thank you all for any advice you can give.  Please - we have heard and read a million and one times that she has to "relax" and to "really want it," but both she and I believe there is something abnormal here, so we would like more specific and concrete advice.  I do my best to make sure she is relaxed, and she is generally the one who initiates sexual activity.  Her vagina lubricates quite easily, so that can't be the problem.  I'm not ruling out that she might be scared and anxious, though she hasn't told me anything of the sort (she is always very open with me, so I assume that there is nothing more than she is telling); if she is scared, what relaxation techniques might help her relax during intercourse?

Again, I thank you for any advice you can give, and for taking the time to read this and help us out.  Cheers!
7 Responses
Avatar universal
I don't know all the answers to your questions, but I wanted to share this with you. It could be a hymen problem, but it also could be vaginismus. You can google this and find lots of info. Hope this helps
Avatar universal
At first I also experienced difficulty and pain with penetration during intercourse. My husband and I spent about two months trying different positions and getting nowhere. My gynecologist said there was no problem that he could see and that we should try more foreplay, use lubricant, that I should "just relax" and that sex is not always like it is "in the movies" Well, one or two hours of foreplay should be enough, lubrication was definately not the problem, and as far as I could tell relaxing was not the issue either - as for the movies comment, I'm not sure what he meant. I did seek a second opinion and suggested that my hymen was thicker or just not stretching as it should. This gyn said that it seemed okay but was willing to perform a hymenotomy, which is making small cuts in the hymen to widen it. After a quick procedure in the hospital outpatients (using a local anestetic to the area - much like a dentist's needle) and about two weeks healing until there as no pain whatsoever, sex was not only possible but enjoyable.

I believe the first gyn was biased because I was still a virgin at 21 and therefore must not know anything about sex. He was not very helpful or supportive. The second gyn was open and willing to consult on the problem, rather than just diagnose and see the next patient. We looked at long-term treatment such as using a small inflatable balloon in the vagina which you would gradually, over a period of a few months, inflate larger - thereby stretching the hymen. This to me seemed like a long time (especially when you've been a virgin for that long and are finally married and able to have sex!) So, the hymenotomy was the route I took.
After many, many tears and frustrations things did finally work out. Please don't lose hope and be as supportive as you can for your girlfriend. It's difficult for her and she may feel as if she is "broken" or unfit in some way which is just not the case. You need to find an open, willing gyn who is able to discuss with you the options. If seeking a second opinion, I suggest you do not tell the gyn that it is for a second opinion but wait to see what they first say without any bias or influence. I sincerely hope things go well for you and wish you both all the best.
2091183 tn?1332922377
That is exactly my problem and i don't where to begin. To add salt to injury her ***** is too small.She really wants it as much as i do but i dont where to begin....seriously.
Avatar universal
Hey did you figure out what was wrong? I am in the exact same situation and need guidance, thank you.
1917408 tn?1421952040
I had this same problem when I lost my virginity as did several friends, all of whom are avid equestrians. I realize this is anecdotal evidence but I think it is relevant.

Back in the days when the lack of a hymen had the potential to ruin lives, women were not allowed to ride astride because of possible damage to the hymen. As hymen DO repair themselves, I theorize that the cycle of damage/ repair results in a tougher hymen because there is scar tissue in addition to the original membrane.

This discussion took place at a large bachelorette party and there was definitely a correlation with the most painful "deflowerings" occuring with the girls who were most likely to have caused minor damage to her hymen through activities deemed "unlady-like" back when such things were important.
Avatar universal
Find another GYN. I had the same problem and the only solution after years of painful intercourse using tons of lube and 2 1/2 hours of foreplay before that always ended in pain and husband hitting a wall and making him orgasm immediately. My GYN performed a hymenotomy and now for the first time in my life sex is not only not painful but very enjoyable.
Avatar universal
Stop worrying about the hymen and focus on her pleasure. Do not attempt penetration until she is literally begging and GO SLOW! I think frame of mind makes a huge difference (it's not everything but it's 90% of the battle) It is not about Pushing yourself in there and getting this job done. Forget you have a penis and focus on her clitoris, her labia, her g spot, do oral for a long time, if she organs BEFORE you penetrate you will be adored and rewarded as well as make the vagina much more prepared.
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