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1221705 tn?1297193069

Raped multiple times by multiple people

I was raped by my cousin when I was little. I was only 8 and he was 11 and I believed everything he said and he said I had to do it or he would hurt me and if I didnt I could not ride the horses and thats what I wanted was to ride the horses. I was ignorant I allowed it to happen because I wanted to play outside. It is annoying because I didnt stop it at all. He hurt me about  once to twice a month for 2 years. So atleast 24 times. It hurt he stuck things like pens and markers and stuff like that. He even stuck shampoo bottles in me. It was brutal and I wanted to cry but he taped my mouth.
Then when I was 14 I got raped at a catholic camp he threatened my life. He also did it at his house and tried to shove a babydolls head in me because he said I need to get use to the pain because I am going to have a lot of kids soon. That he was going to get me pregnant. He did! I miss carried though:(
Then the latest one was in november and he tied my hands to the bed and jumped on me and had my nephews watch. I do not know what to do. I am having a hard time I need a friend to talk to.
11 Responses
Avatar universal
I'm very sad for you. How old are you now? You need to do something about this. It needs to be stopped. reach out for someone you trust.
1221705 tn?1297193069
I am 16. I dont know how to deal with it
Avatar universal
sorry, this has happened to you....you need to tell an adult you trust ASAP! whether its a parent, another relative, or a teacher you trust at school. if those dont work then you may want to contact your local police department. good luck my dear.
1221705 tn?1297193069
My mom knows. I am in therapy right now but I dont feel like I can go on. Like its just way to hard. How do I get over this? Will I ever be able to love someone? I am affraid of get older and getting married because I am afraid that if I have sx with my husband when I am older I will be reminded of the many rapes i have gone through.
298213 tn?1297271123
I agree stay in therapy. You will be able to love someone, one day. But If you don't keep talking with a therapist or someone you will hold it inside forever and thats not good. I also have been raped as a child and I ended up being an alcoholic & Im just working to get better now and i'm in my 40s so keep on talking with someone and remember they are the ones who did wrong not you.
1522952 tn?1301492670
I am so srry.
and dont be worry i had been through the same thing and its have been going on my whole life till i was 16. now i am 17. When i went to therapy  it was really hard on me because u had to talk about it and its hard talk about it. i understand.  I thought i wouldnt love anybody. i am afraid of going outside sometimes because i  think about those stuff. but i found a person who understands everything and he doesnt cares if we have sex or not. I think you will find some one who will be there no matter what and he will love you for who u are...
Feel free msg me.
P.s i just msg u :)
1221705 tn?1297193069
I have a hard time talking in therapy. I became a hitter. I started hitting myself with a hammer and actually broke my arm because of it. That iss how depressed and everythign I am. I am just angry at my self for allowing the rapes to happen. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. It is just to hard. I have no one and noone cares about me.  

Exspecially after the last one. I had just told my mom about the one that happened when I was 14- early 16 and she said i was over reacting to this kid in my college class. He is the same age as me and we went out to dinner one time and he then talked about sex and my beliefs about sex and I just got freaked out and frooze till his dad came and took us home. Then after I told my mom about the 2end guy that hurt me. She set up a time for me to meet the college boy and go to the park. i did not want to go. So i took my nephews with me thinking no one would do anything with 2 little kids there. Well I was wrng my 3 yr old nephew had to go to the bathroom well since the college boy picked me up i did not have my car. So I asked him to take me to the gas station and he took us to his house instead then he stuffed the boys in a room and took me and started taking my clothes off. He started by making me massage him like his back and neck and butt. Then he laid on me and he started sucking on my chest. Then he told me to sit up and he stood up and told me to touch and lick is penis. While I was doing that he held my head and pulled it back and forth as hard as he could.He cummed in my mouth.yuck. And thn my youngest nephew managed to unlock the room he was in and come to my resuce well when he got there he saw me with the boys penis in my mouth crying. Then he told him to stop and leave me alone and tried to smack the college boy. Well the guy hurting me pushed him down and told him to be quite and watch because he will need to know how to do it. Then he pushed me back to laying on the bed and he stuck him self inside of me and started going hard. I was crying and saying stop but he wouldent so I closed my eyes. Then he started doing it with his fingers and other objects. My nephew got up on the bed and bit him and made it stop then he pushed my nephew off the bed to where he hit his head and started seizing.  He finally got off of me because i was freaking out about my nephew he has intense seizures and he could die. So I got up and took care of my nephew. And then got dressed. He would not take me home and then when he finally did he did it again in the parkign llot where my car was. He stuck his hands in me.

I feel like dying because of the fact my nephews are traumatized because of it.
1029532 tn?1267188167
I am so sorry for all you have been put through. i don't know if anyone has told you this but let me tell you "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT". I was molested by my stepdad when i was about 5 and an uncle when i was about 8. But it's not my fault it's them who have a problem. Just like these guys who hurt you are the sick ones who have a problem. you deserve to be happy and you deserve the best. it's up to you to make a good life for yourself and put all these bad things behind you. don't let anything or anyone put you down or hold you back from being happy and making a good life for yourself. Your mom should be there for you unconditionally but yours sounds like a witch. keep going to therapy and keep it in your mind that you deserve the world. God  will bless you because he doesn't give us more than we can handle even though it might seem like you can't. Be strong and write to me if you need someone to give you encouragement... GOD BLESS YOU.
790669 tn?1465189099
As with all the other posters I'm SO sorry this has happened to you!  I completely agree it's not your fault AT ALL!  Please, never ever tell yourself that you let this happened and it's your fault.  It's their sick and twisted fault. I to was molested from the age of 12 till I was 16.  A very rough time in my life. I wanted to kill myself. I tried several times but never could go through with it. I tried to wreck several times.  I became a cutter.  I'd use a box blade and it made the pain on the inside go away.   I would starve myself, cry all the time...I was down to 86 lbs. I felt nasty, ugly just something no man would ever care about, much less love. THEN I met a wonderful man.  He became a good friend, he was the first person I told about this.  I was 18 at the time and he was 24.    After I met this man I realized I was something special. HE made me feel that way. He loved me sooo much and I loved him!  I always felt ashamed. I never wanted him to touch my face, to look into my eyes but with his love that faded as well. He taught me not to dwell on the past. I was letting my past ruin and take over my future. I deserved to be happy!  I deserved to be loved!!  I thought about therapy and I went 1 day. I eventually got over this thanks to him.  You are such a strong person!!  There's a way out there, a way for you to deal with this, heal from it and move on and become the person you deserve to be!!   What happenend will never go away, I still think about what happened to me, but after being able to face it and overcome it it doesn't take over my life everyday!  I would wake up everyday and that would be on my mind, eating at my soul, pulling me down but guess what??  It hasn't done that in about 13 yrs!!  I've been married for 12.  I really wish you the absolute best!   Please get that help you need, however and whatever it may be and just know there is peace out there!   If you ever need to talk please message me or any other lady here.  We're all here to help and we definitely understand.  Take care hun!!  
1221705 tn?1297193069
I do not understand what happened to me. I do not understand why? I do not feeel like I am a person of worth. I feel disgusting and like I am a piece of disposable garbage.  I feel like death would be better than anything else.
13167 tn?1327194124
Your therapist,  hearing all of this,  is bound by law to call law enforcement and CPS.   If he or she hasn't done this,  you need to switch therapists.  

I really think what is happening with you is way beyond what an anonymous internet board can help you with,  godmom.    You need more help than what we can offer,  and often people get their "help" needs fulfilled on the internet where they really need to get real "in person" help.

Have any of these people been charged with crimes?  After you had the miscarriage,  was there an investigation into what happened to you,  or when you beat your arm broken with a hammer,   was there a CPS investigation?

Best wishes for you.  I really hope you don't relax into the support of the internet and thereby refuse the reallife help you need.
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