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Avatar universal

What is wrong with me? Why don’t I want sex?

I am in the same position! I’m 24 and my boyfriend of nearly 4 years is 30. He is ALWAYS horny and I’m never horny, not even when he touches me. Please help! I don’t even enjoy kissing as much as I used to. I used to kiss a guy and instantly get wet.
We’ve tried different lubes (on him, on me, on both of us) but I find it distracting and makes me feel inadequate. I love my boyfriend so much it hurts me that I can’t give him what he wants.
The facts:
I am on antidepressants (for about 6 years)
I have a 6 month old baby
I am VERY self-conscious

Anyone got any help/suggestions?
3 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Our hormones can do this.  You just had a baby and it is hard to et the sexy back sometimes after that!  I've been there.  Baby care is tiring and it is hard to switch modes.  You just kind of have to try to ease into it.  Life changes and arousal is not like it was before we had a lot of responsibility, a partner that we wish would do more dishes and house cleaning to help out, a baby in the next room and we are tired.  Ya know?  And again, you've had a baby not long ago and that does wreak havoc on hormones.  ARe you nursing by the way?  My libido didn't really come back until I was through nursing.  

On another note, how are things with you and your husband, how are you getting along?  

Lube is made for a reason.  It says nothing about you and by the time your my age, hardly a woman doesn't have to use it.  No joke.  As we lose estrogen as we age, we lose vaginal wetness.  So, keep in mind that it is not a statement about you or how much you want to be with your partner.  good luck
1 Comments
Thank you for your response, it means a lot.

Thing is, my libido has been pretty much non-existent for like at least a year now, so I feel as if I can’t exactly blame it on having a baby.
No I’m not nursing. And me and my boyfriend get on perfectly, we have money worries and his ex is in the picture as he had 2 kids with her that live with us - but apart from that we are perfectly happy and content.

I am constantly tired though, I may just book an appointment at the doctors. I booked one about 6 months ago to talk about all this, but I bailed on telling her.
Avatar universal
Also... I am always in pain whilst having sex so it’s probably that that’s putting me off...?
4 Comments
Oh, yes.  absolutely.  Who signs up for something that is painful?!  Have you told your doctor about the pain?
No, not yet.. I should though really...
Yes, talk to your doctor about this.  I'm glad you and your partner get along otherwise very well.  That really  helps.  In truth, my libido was shot until my kids were 4 and 5 years old.  I was just tired and not into it.  The sexiest thing my husband could do for me was do the dishes, dust the house and take care of the kids for a while so I could get a nap in!  LOL  It really did resolve for me naturally but  you probably don't want to wait that long.  Let me know when you get your doctors appointment set!
Aww that’s good to know that yours came back after some time (albeit a long time!) you must have a lot of patience!
But I totally agree... if he does the dishes or some chores, I find him much more attractive.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, I decided to post on your original thread as I saw you are writing on someone else's thread who was having issues with libido so this is still really a huge issue for you.  I'm sorry about that sweetie!  Is your boyfriend being upset about it and not understanding?  I do know it can feel a little insulting to a man and bruise the ego but wish they could evolve a bit and know it isn't all about them.  I had a funny moment with a man while I was pregnant.  He is an older man I know well but was a little shocked when he said to me as I was 9 months pregnant "don't forget your husband.  A bottle of baby oil and your hand can work just fine for him".  Um, wowie!  I was in shock. But message received.  during the low libido time, just get the job done!  

You were having pain during intercourse and had talked about seeing your doctor for it. Still think this is a really important thing to do.  

Another question for you, how is the non sexual intimacy with your boyfriend? Meaning, how close are you beyond sex?  Do you also hold hands, connect emotionally, etc? Doctors say the other reasons for low libido could be diet, exercise, stress and fatigue.  It's rarely one factor.  That it is painful though really does make it difficult. and the psychological component with that is huge too.  You almost dread it now, I'm sure.  

What about planning a date to connect with your boyfriend with no expectation of sex? Do you ever do that?
4 Comments
Hi there! I’d forgotten my log in details, hence my very last response.

It’s still painful, had sex 6 weeks ago and it’s just not worth it. For me at least.

I’m not on antidepressants anymore and been off them for about a year. Went to gynae and had blood tests, internal scan and ultrasound and couldn’t see anything sinister, so probably more psychological for me.

He was understanding up until about 6 months ago. I love holding hands and cuddling but not interested in kissing when he’s got a beard, and that’s 90% of the time. That probably would help get me into the swing of things, if he shaved but I can’t make him.

Your baby oil story is so funny! It’s very true but I also just don’t have the want to do anything to him. Like wtf is wrong with me?

Tried planning date nights but they always get cancelled with low funds and no babysitters as reasons. (I have 2 step-kids also).
Not a parent, but omg. You have a toddler now, 2 step-kids, money worries, his ex, managing a home that he doesn't seem enthusiastic about helping with, a history of depression it seems like, and a man with a beard you don't find attractive and your own body that you are self-conscious about.

I'd be SUPER SURPRISED if you were horny, to be honest.

I know it's not easy, but when was the last time you did something just for you? Even just took a walk? Went to lunch by yourself, even if it's just fast food? When was the last time you were alone, and I don't mean just in the shower?

A good friend of mine who has 8 kids gets up really early and does the grocery shopping then. It's her only time alone, and she says no one is there, and it's QUIET lol.

It might not be as simple as recharging your batteries, but you can't give people what you don't have.

Do you ever have sexual thoughts by yourself? Masturbate? Or do you just not feel sexual at all? Is your husband a generous partner, sexually?

And using lube doesn't make you inadequate. Lots of people use lube for fun, and lots of women need some extra, especially after having a baby or going through menopause (both hormonal causes). Hormonal changes in your body (like having a baby or menopause) can change so many things.

You said he was patient until about 6 months ago. What happened then?
Just reading your comment and it is literally me down to a tee, and reading it in black and white, it’s no surprise I’m depressed!

A shower at 11pm is the only time I have 10 minutes to just breathe. Even showering in the day is impossible lol. I sat in the car and ate a burger whilst my boyfriend’s ex got the kids ready for me to pick up. It was a nice 5 minutes but I also felt super guilty.

8 KIDS!? Wow! I applaud her! I agree food shopping late at night can be therapeutic but at the same time I get frustrated as my partner NEVER does this. I honestly can’t remember the last time he did a full food shop on his own.

I’m not entirely sure. About 6 months ago, we had a massive fall out as I thought maybe I was graysexual/asexual and he really couldn’t get his head around this as I want another baby (I know, am I actually crazy). But I don’t know whether it’s just because I’m so unhappy. He hugged me today in bed for the first time in weeks and I said that to him and he said the same thing back. But it’s not my fault, the way he speaks to me is not on.

I really don’t know what to do. The one step child lives with us and one with her mum. And I feel like as much as I’ve raised him for 5 years, there’s a disconnect due to his bad behaviour and I feel like giving up on me, on everything. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend and his son because I’d feel like I’m leaving my own son.

I wanted to tell him this morning and I just felt sick to my stomach. I love him so much but I just feel so damaged and maybe we’d both be better off apart.

As far as lube goes, I know I shouldn’t feel inadequate, but I do. We try “putting it in” and it’s just so f*****g painful and I stop and he gets angry and what the hell am I supposed to do with that?!!
Okay, so let's break this down.

First of all, you need to rule out causes of painful sex like vaginismus. Does it hurt to use tampons? To use fingers? To get a gyno exam? https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/175261.php

Always start with the physical causes - they are easier to diagnose and/or rule out.

Even if there is a cause for the painful sex, that may not explain everything about the lack of desire, but sweet lord, a hug today for the first time in weeks? Yeah, that could be contributing. The fact that he gets angry when you are in pain and have to stop could, too. I understand frustration, but there are other ways he could relieve his urges, and you could even participate if you wanted, but I totally understand not wanting to after he gets angry. That's a sure fire mood kill right there.

How close are you with your bf's ex? I ask because I was in a relationship for a long time with a man with kids. I stayed way too long because we were raising the kids, but after we broke up, the kids went back to their mom, and I got in touch with her, and still had contact with the kids through her. That's an ideal situation, and not every woman will do that, but make friends with her. She's probably not as bad as your bf says she is. Or maybe she is, but you'll want her on your side.

Have you considered counseling? When I was with my ex, who was so, so bad, we went to "couples counseling", and after we went through the reasons we were there, the counselor said to me, "We need to get you strong enough to leave him." Not very conducive to couples counseling, but it was such an eye opener for me. We never went back to her, but I found my own counselor and got strong enough.

Maybe consider couples counseling, too, if you want to stay. If he won't go, go by yourself.

You have so much on your plate, and if you are feeling guilty over a 5 min burger in the car, then it's time you found your strength. You can't give people what you don't have. If you've ever flown, you've heard the flight attendants say that you should put your own oxygen mask on first, then assist those around you. You can't help others breathe if you aren't breathing yourself. A less dramatic example is you can't pour from an empty cup.

Maybe you are gray ace/asexual. Maybe you're depressed, or maybe you're just so damned tired, physically and emotionally, that your sex drive has no room in your body. Maybe you just don't want your man. Maybe it's all of the above. Figuring that out will come in time.

Hugs!



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