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intimacy causes severe pain
I have had chronic pain for several years and been married even longer.The issue that comes up is when my husband and I are intimate it causes me severe pain. We have tried different positions and techniques and they all cause some form of increase in pain.I will probably be in pain for the rest of my life and as much as I love my husband I dread intimacy. Sometimes I feel like if he truely loved me he wouldnt be willing to hurt me. I realize when we entered this marriage that this wasnt in the plans and it was very often and very good. I realize my husband has desires and those desires drew him outside of our marriage a few years ago which does not help my feelings about it, I have tried to forgive him but forgetting is impossible. I have tried my best to do what I can but I am tired of hurting. I think my husband and I should go our seperate ways #1 so I do not need to have painful sex and #2 so he can have sex without the guilt.I do not feel it is fair to have a celibate relationship between husband and wife unless it is physically or mentally harmful or impossible for one or both. Yes it causes more pain but so does grocery shopping. when I think about it yes I dread shopping also cause it makes me hurt more, but if I limited myself to what doesnt cause pain I would do nothing. Is it harmful? It sure doesnt help me mentally? I wouldnt think it was good for him either. I was just wondering? Am I forgetting something? We have a 13 yr old who is not stupid she can sense stresses. I know that it would be difficult. I know it is my decision, but opinions appreciated thanks
Scary, but true. I had a hysterectomy seven years ago due to endometriosis. Very painful intercourse. I just found out the endo has returned. I also had my ovaries taken out, but am on Premarin for hormones. Still painful intercourse. Good luck!
Have you been checked for PID...(Pelvic Inflammatory Disease)? It's worth asking about. Good luck!
Hyster doesn't rule out endo 100%, I just had a hyster for endo and it can still return as long as your body is making hormones or you are taking hormones.
Thank you again for response greatly appreciated.
interesting that hyst. does not rule out endo. I had overies taken out also is there another way that the body produces hormones? (please excuse if not very smart question but honestly do not know.) I thought endometriosis was very basic description - some of the menstral flow going inside instead of outside?
I have seen Neurologist amongst many other docs.
I guess to make things clearer on diagnoses these are some of them that i have been given:
Nerve damage, possible scar tissue adhesions, sciatica, degenerative disc disease (which we all really get as we get older) in both upper and lower back. bulging and herniated disks, got the worst one repaired which did help with sciatica some, sacral weakness, fibromyalgia, leg and hand weakness and of course pain, arthritis in hands getting so cannot bend fingers and thumbs properly when get up in the morning gets somewhat better during the day but cannot make a tight fist, and with all that is going on depression,and sometimes panic attacks. Last two came after pain not before.
My pain can be increased by anything and what I consider nothing, The anything can be standing, reaching, walking, bending ect.. the nothing can be laying down, sitting down, or not moving for more than 10 minutes.
Docs have pretty much ran out of treatment options other than medication. and occasional injection therapy
have done in past:
exploratories, multiple injection therapies ,physical therapy, back surgery, phych counseling, regular counseling, ultrasounds, Bone scans, x rays, colonoscopy, bladder check, blood work, manipulation therapy, and pretty much everything they could think of.
have seen
Gyn dr, Urologist, neurologist, GI, orthapedic, physical therapy, counselors, psychiatrists, counselors, pain management, accupuncturists, chiropractors, and I may have left some out but pretty much everyone.
this has happened over years in the search for a cure or pain relief. No i am not a hypochondraic (i think that is how it is spelled). I just wanted pain relief and to have what my husband and I considered a normal active marriage.
Well it looks like that is not an option so here we are. A married couple in their 40's with a husband with a sex drive and me with by now very little to none and it causing pain. By the way oral and hand have been done but to be honest the body movements from those causes pain also. and I still am working on breaking down a mental block that I put up from him going outside of marriage. oral has never been a favorite (real bad gag reflex) but I did it because I love him. the type of women that he saw and paid for did that amongst other things and it really repelled me because I did it out of love and it made me feel cheap when I did it afterwards. I know, I know see, a shrink, get some help, I am it still is not easy especially since I never really enjoyed it to begin with.
Well again thank you for the responses. It looks like this board moves fast and a thread easily gets way down there on the list.
interesting that hyst. does not rule out endo. I had overies taken out also is there another way that the body produces hormones? (please excuse if not very smart question but honestly do not know.) I thought endometriosis was very basic description - some of the menstral flow going inside instead of outside?
I have seen Neurologist amongst many other docs.
I guess to make things clearer on diagnoses these are some of them that i have been given:
Nerve damage, possible scar tissue adhesions, sciatica, degenerative disc disease (which we all really get as we get older) in both upper and lower back. bulging and herniated disks, got the worst one repaired which did help with sciatica some, sacral weakness, fibromyalgia, leg and hand weakness and of course pain, arthritis in hands getting so cannot bend fingers and thumbs properly when get up in the morning gets somewhat better during the day but cannot make a tight fist, and with all that is going on depression,and sometimes panic attacks. Last two came after pain not before.
My pain can be increased by anything and what I consider nothing, The anything can be standing, reaching, walking, bending ect.. the nothing can be laying down, sitting down, or not moving for more than 10 minutes.
Docs have pretty much ran out of treatment options other than medication. and occasional injection therapy
have done in past:
exploratories, multiple injection therapies ,physical therapy, back surgery, phych counseling, regular counseling, ultrasounds, Bone scans, x rays, colonoscopy, bladder check, blood work, manipulation therapy, and pretty much everything they could think of.
have seen
Gyn dr, Urologist, neurologist, GI, orthapedic, physical therapy, counselors, psychiatrists, counselors, pain management, accupuncturists, chiropractors, and I may have left some out but pretty much everyone.
this has happened over years in the search for a cure or pain relief. No i am not a hypochondraic (i think that is how it is spelled). I just wanted pain relief and to have what my husband and I considered a normal active marriage.
Well it looks like that is not an option so here we are. A married couple in their 40's with a husband with a sex drive and me with by now very little to none and it causing pain. By the way oral and hand have been done but to be honest the body movements from those causes pain also. and I still am working on breaking down a mental block that I put up from him going outside of marriage. oral has never been a favorite (real bad gag reflex) but I did it because I love him. the type of women that he saw and paid for did that amongst other things and it really repelled me because I did it out of love and it made me feel cheap when I did it afterwards. I know, I know see, a shrink, get some help, I am it still is not easy especially since I never really enjoyed it to begin with.
Well again thank you for the responses. It looks like this board moves fast and a thread easily gets way down there on the list.
Another thought, the actual hysterectomy procedure itself can lead to nerve damage which in turn can cause chronic pain. Maybe it would be worth seeing a neuropath and getting your pelvic region checked out.
You definitely need to get checked out. You have been suffering too long. Painful sex has many causes that are physical, not physcological. You may have vulvodynia, vestibulitus or endometreosis. All of these conditions can be treated and will allow you to lead a more normal life.
Please, go find a good knowlegable gyn and start on the road to healing.
Please, go find a good knowlegable gyn and start on the road to healing.
I'm not entirely clear about this pain you're experiencing. Is it something genital, or another condition entirely (i.e. fibro, etc.)? There are specialists who deal with pelvic pain, and it would be well worthwhile to seek one out. If it's something else, see a specialist for (whatever). In either case, consider going to a pain clinic and/or meditation. Most hospitals offer insight meditation courses for people with chronic illnesses and chronic pain. It makes a world of difference.
I also think that you might want to consider counseling; first to help you deal with the pain, and second to help you deal with the issues in your relationship. It sounds like there's a lot going on in your life, and therapy can help you make sense of it all. On that note, I did want to add that painful intercourse can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It hurts, so next time you have sex you expect it to hurt, so you tense up, so it hurts worse, so next time it's even worse... you get the idea. That's where seeing a sex therapist comes into the picture. Whatever other physical issues you're dealing with, you still have the emotional component.
As for the sex, are giving oral or handjobs out of the question? Intercourse sure isn't everything. There are lots and lots of ways to pleasure each other. However, I suspect your resentment over your husband's infidelity is probably complicating things quite a bit. That's also where therapy comes into the picture.
And finally, I also wanted to suggest another option as far as your relationship goes: why not consider an open marriage? I realize this isn't easy, but if your relationship is good otherwise and sex is the only real problem, why break up? After all, there's no "right" way to be married. I admit my perspective is a little different from most, but I do think that people back themselves into a corner when they adopt an "all or nothing" attitude. I look at it this way: if you have more than one kid, do you love the first one less? Of course not (or I hope not, anyway, lol). There's plenty of room in our hearts for lots of love and relationships. If you find the emotional component too threatening, he could consider friendly, non-emotional casual sex. That's more of a swinger's perspective on other relationships, and that works for a lot of people. Just a thought.
I also think that you might want to consider counseling; first to help you deal with the pain, and second to help you deal with the issues in your relationship. It sounds like there's a lot going on in your life, and therapy can help you make sense of it all. On that note, I did want to add that painful intercourse can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It hurts, so next time you have sex you expect it to hurt, so you tense up, so it hurts worse, so next time it's even worse... you get the idea. That's where seeing a sex therapist comes into the picture. Whatever other physical issues you're dealing with, you still have the emotional component.
As for the sex, are giving oral or handjobs out of the question? Intercourse sure isn't everything. There are lots and lots of ways to pleasure each other. However, I suspect your resentment over your husband's infidelity is probably complicating things quite a bit. That's also where therapy comes into the picture.
And finally, I also wanted to suggest another option as far as your relationship goes: why not consider an open marriage? I realize this isn't easy, but if your relationship is good otherwise and sex is the only real problem, why break up? After all, there's no "right" way to be married. I admit my perspective is a little different from most, but I do think that people back themselves into a corner when they adopt an "all or nothing" attitude. I look at it this way: if you have more than one kid, do you love the first one less? Of course not (or I hope not, anyway, lol). There's plenty of room in our hearts for lots of love and relationships. If you find the emotional component too threatening, he could consider friendly, non-emotional casual sex. That's more of a swinger's perspective on other relationships, and that works for a lot of people. Just a thought.
Just wanted to say thank you all for the responses.
I have been thoroughly checked, researched, and counseled by doctors councilors ect.. over the years from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. A total hysterectomy rules out the possibility of endo. Without going into years of history of treatment I was told by more than one doc that lifelong pain is probably almost a guaranteed diagnosis. I am thankful for many doctors that i have worked with for this is not an easy case. Yes i see a pain management doctor who is helping my life be more manageable through medication. But I am never pain free.
Yes there are psychological problems that i still am working on through counseling.
Having an open marriage is not an option. I couldnt deal with that, even though i do appreciate the advice given.
Again thank you all.
I have been thoroughly checked, researched, and counseled by doctors councilors ect.. over the years from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. A total hysterectomy rules out the possibility of endo. Without going into years of history of treatment I was told by more than one doc that lifelong pain is probably almost a guaranteed diagnosis. I am thankful for many doctors that i have worked with for this is not an easy case. Yes i see a pain management doctor who is helping my life be more manageable through medication. But I am never pain free.
Yes there are psychological problems that i still am working on through counseling.
Having an open marriage is not an option. I couldnt deal with that, even though i do appreciate the advice given.
Again thank you all.
i have to tell you i have the same problem, dispite the fact i left my ex due to other issues, sex was one. I havent had sex in three years. It is way to painful, and I have tried and the thought just totally turns me off it. I am seeing an endo specialist to see if that is the problem, if not than i most likely will never have sex again and will never know what its like to have painfree sex. I wish that i could give you answers, I have none. I do understand your situation though. I really feel bad that your husband did that to you, its not fair. You are in pain, and till death do you part is what he swore. it angers me a lot. If that was my husband who had a problem getting up I wouldnt cheat on him because we had an oath. But that is just me. If i enjoyed sex maybe i would think differently i dont know. Have you ever been tested for endo, or cysts?
Have you not seen a doctor? This sounds like classic endometriosis and you can get help for that... I suspect the issues in your marriage go deeper than painful sex so if that's the case, then you have something else to deal with...
Go get checked out - you can be helped!
Go get checked out - you can be helped!
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