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203342 tn?1328740807

Just need to vent about DH

Hey everybody. Am I being too picky? I just get frustrated all the time because I feel like my husband doesn't ever really listen to me. Over and over I try to talk to him and share with him and he hardly shares anything with me. I know he works hard. That's probably part of the problem. He tends to be a bit of a workaholic. I'm always getting compliments from his boss on how hard he works and how he will put in the extra time, effort, etc. in his job. I guess I just feel like he doesn't do the same with me.
About 2 weeks ago I gave him a coupon I got in the mail about a Valentine special for a massage. I told him that I'd love that for Valentines. I didn't need candy or flowers. My teenage son had given me a gift card for a massage for Christmas last year at the mall. It wasn't fancy but it felt so wonderful! I knew I had been under a lot of stress and my muscles were really tight but by the time I was finished with my massage I felt loose and relaxed, etc. Well, today I got the standard card and heart shaped box of candy. I swalled my disappointment and thanked him. All day I wondered if he just forgot and so I asked him lightly with a smile on my face if he maybe lost the coupon? He had a blank look on his face and didn't know what I was talking about! I reminded him and he went looking through his wallet and found it and said he must have forgotten. That's fine. I understand forgetting, etc., except that I get this all the time. If it had been a one time thing, that'd be different, you know? I just feel like I'm invisible most of the time. I feel like I talk and no one really listens to me. It doesn't help that I have two teenagers who don't listen either! So it really gets to me, I guess, that I have a husband that doesn't really listen either or appear to care what I like, or how I think, or anything. I don't know. Maybe this sounds petty. Like I said, though, it isn't just about today. Over and over I tell him that I think we have a problem with communication and he doesn't seem to care! Sometimes I feel like he's only doing the candy at Valentines or the flowers at our anniversary because he feels like that's what he should do. I don't think  any real thought is put into any of it as to what I like. I even told him once that I'd rather not get flowers because it makes me sad to see them start to wilt and die after a day or two. He still gives me flowers at my birthday and anniversary. I know, I know, you guys are saying I shouldn't be complaining. At least he gives me flowers. But I feel almost like it's a duty or something, you know? Am I expecting too much?
I tried to talk one time on the relationship forum once about how lonely I was in this marraige and I got blasted and pretty hurt so I've been cautious about saying anymore. But I really am lonely in this marraige. We have almost no intimacy. I know he's faithful. I'm not worried about that. I think we've just drifted away or something.
Well, I guess I shouldn't even be bothering you all on here. It's not like you guys are counselors! I guess I just needed to vent a little and talk. Thanks for letting me vent. Maybe I really do expect too much.
7 Responses
298824 tn?1349958777
Its good to vent....I think all wives think that husbands don't hear us....sometimes they need to be reminded....if it is really bothering you...I would  sit down and let him know about it....best of luck
203342 tn?1328740807
Ah well, no biggie. I'm used to it, pretty much. So he's not the most romantic man in the world. He's still a pretty good guy overall, I guess.
Thanks.
Avatar universal
hi april. its not about the massage, its about not feeling valued, appreciated, important ect.  it sounds like the communication lines are not open, he is very busy with work - you swallow what you want to say.  have the two of you taken a vacation alone?  maybe a weekend getaway is a place to start.  rekindle the passion.  i think every single relationship goes through ups and downs, and we have to learn how to push past this and make it better.  maybe i dont know what im talking about lol but it seems to me that when i complain to my dh he may not get it at first.  eventually he may say "just tell me when im not doing what you want me to". well i cried because i (like most women) want him to know what i want or need, not to have to tell him.  maybe this might be worth a try.  make a date.  make it like an appt, in the appt book, on the calendar, you name it.  go to dinner, talk, get to know each other again.  take a class together.  i know where i live there are adult classes that takes place at different schools and locations around town.  they have a couples massage class, i think that might be great!! im a massage therapist and dh wants massages all the time, however i dont give them lol.  he wants them when its inconvienent for me.  but if i knew he could return the favor!! you also said you have two teenagers, i bet with dh working lots and them not being so into mom anymore you are needing to readjust and maybe you need to "find" yourself again.  whew im long winded lol.
203342 tn?1328740807
Thanks, Pertykitty. As to us taking a vacation, it's not going to happen for probably a long time. My husband refuses to consider it as long as we are in debt. We have a lot of credit card debt that we're trying to pay off but it's taking forever. That's why I'm trying to get a home business started to help with the bills but it hasn't taken off yet. It gets a little depressing. He's such a homebody anyway. He'd be as happy as a clam to just stay home all the time when I yearn to travel and go and see new places. It must be my upbringing. We traveled a lot when I was a kid. Maybe I'm spoiled.
Yeah, I started to try and do something for myself about 4 years ago when I went and got my CNA lisence. I wanted to work with the elderly. I would have gone further with my nursing degree but I unexpectadly got pregnant with baby number 3 and it was a huge surprise to all of us. I don't regret it for a minute though. He's such a sweetie and a blessing, but it means I'm home bound again! Well, I work sometimes on the weekends when they need me and to keep my CNA lisence updated. Right now I just want to hurry up and get out of debt (which I figure with a lot of hard work could be 2 years) and then he won't have an excuse as to why we can't go on vacation, etc.
Yeah, we've gotten rather humdrum I guess. It could be worse. At least he's faithful and home every night. Gotta go. Thanks again.
419446 tn?1212545977
To be lonely when in a marriage is more then being lonely when youre single.
I was there , it is worse. I felt an almost hoplessness about my life, as if here I am, alone, lonely , unhappy , no hope for anything better.  I was scared that I was allowing myself to be alone and I didnt know how to change it. I was fortunate in a way, he cheated & I had a true reason to leave, I did. But had he not, I wouldve still been there, co-existing in a unexciting boring marriage. Its worse...being single again gave me hope.
Im not suggesting you change your marriage by any means. You need to change you somehow. Find something that makes you happy, stop relying on him to do so for you, it doesnt look like it will happen. Also try communicating...so many marriages fail just becasue of this one very necesssary topic. Good luck. Next Valentines day, but yourself that Spa day , you deserve it :)  
373034 tn?1204157628
April, I'm not judging or blasting.  My guy is the same way.  I have learned that all the things I thought he was putting ahead of me were for/because of me.  My guy works ALL the time.  He goes in early and stays late and works weekends.  At first it hurt my feelings and I felt a bit like an outsider.  Only once I really opened up and spoke to him without asking for anything or speaking negatively did I discover he feels like going to work and taking care of bills and the houses is loving me.  Going to work ensures we are financially stable.  In his mind that is a HUGE sign of love and affection.  It doesn't make sense to me as that is not how I show my love, but if that is what he(and many other men) feel I'm willing to accept it.  I had to learn how to be loved by him.  

He in turn had to learn how to be loved by me.  Kisses and little presents and sweet things that he thought were a waste of time.  You get the drift.  He knows I hate doing the dishes and thought that a dishwasher would be the b-day gift of a lifetime.  I was hoping for a weekend getaway.  I had to take to heart that he really did listen to me about the dishes and appreciate the (boring and very practical) gift.  Sometimes we have to look a bit deeper especially in marriage to find the love.  I'm sure it is there.  Good luck and hopefully you could understand that.  It was a bit jumbled.  
152852 tn?1205717026
I was thinking what redneckmom wrote and she said it well!

They show us their way and while it may not be a way we can truly see (or embrace if we see it), it's still there.  And, looking at it from their perspective, they may feel unappreciated when we don't see it and acknowledge it.

I think you will find that if you acknowledge how he is showing you he loves you (working hard to take care of you and pay off debt), he will probably connect more with you.
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