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midlife crisis at 36? What's happening?
I'm not sure I'm in the right place but I've trawled the web to try and find material which will explain my behaviour of late...I'm 36, have been with my hubby for 12 years, 10 of them married.  We have a 4 yr old and a 6 yr old.  After the birth of our 4 yr old I had the implanon implant for contraception and after 3 yrs my hubby had a vasectomy and I had the implant removed approx 9 months ago.  We have a good life...I work part-time around school hours (self-employed accountant) and my hubby has a good job.  We live in a lovely area, nice house, schools bla bla bla....and I was happy and then all of a sudden wham! It was like someone switched a light on in me, when I think back to the time I noticed this the only 2 things different or I was doing different were having the implant removed and I had started to go to gym more and noticing the results etc.
Suddenly I had all these sexual feelings which had been dormant for so many years...yes, I had good sex life (somewhat predictable) with hubby but not 'rip your clothes off hot' sex...and yes, I realise that after 12 years not many people do but I suddenly had all these feelings and looking at guys and thinking of nothing but sex! The thing was I didn't want to rip my hubby's clothes off and take these feelings out on him...I wanted someone new ....some excitement.
Any of my friends will tell you that up to this point I would have bet on my kids' lives that I would never cheat as my mum did the same thing and I lived through the misery of what her actions did to our family  - for all these years the thought or inclination has not even entered my head.  so why am I now having an intense affair and the other thing is ...I don't feel guilty!? I have also slept with another young guy on a night out with friends and had to go for morning-after pill...this is outrageous behavious, I can see this but it's not stopping me.  I feel like I'm a loose cannon.  To illustrate how badly I'm behaving  ...Sat night I slept with the young guy I met, Sun I slept with hubby and Mon I slept with my lover ....in between I also masturbated....I'm not sure how to channel all these sexual feelings in any other way, I feel totally out of control.
It was like someone switched a light on inside me...suddenly I'm out all the time, listening to music, going to gym all the time, texting guys I shouldn't be, eyeing up guys and not happy unless some kind of adventure or exciting is happening.....At the same time as someone switched a light on they switched off my conscience and emotions...I've not cried once since this change in me and although I know what I'm doing is so wrong I don't FEEL it ...I'm also drinking more and I can see that a lot of this appears to be forms of escapism..drinking, gym, nights out, exciting trysts etc etc...but I don't know what I'm escaping apart from the feeling of utter boredom but I'm not aware of feeling unhappy with my life?! I don't get it!?
Has anyone else felt like this? Has anyone suddenly changed overnight .....I'm not sure how to reign myself in or what will happen next....
It surely will all come crashing around me as I'm maintaining my marriage, the home, being a good mum, my work and then my double life....
1 Answers
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209987 tn?1451939065
Welcome to " midlife crisis ".
There are many reasons why this could be happening to you.

Depression/anxiety due to : drinking, boredom, repetitiveness, etc.

Peri-menopause. Many of us have the same type of reaction when we start. Sex gets boring, we feel less desirable, younger guys get better looking, etc.
Part of this is due to human instinct/species survival. As we reach menopause our brains send out a signal that it's " now or never " to get pregnant one more time. I hope you're using protection.

The implant removal. That tiny little thing had been in your body sending out signals to your brain...changing your hormones.
When the implant was removed, your brain said " Hey! Wait! Something is different here...our chemicals are being rearranged, and we are not happy."

You could ask your doctor about pills to help you through this, or you could make some changes at home.

Have you thought of adding something to your sex life? Go out and buy some adult type toys. Maybe rent a " movie " for you and hubby to watch.
Try new positions.  Your hubby will love it, and it may help you more than you will know.
You obviously need to do something before the cheating ruins your marriage...permanently...and it soon will.

Trust me...been there, done that.
You may be doing all of this because your hubby bores you to death. He doesn't turn you on...so you need to change your mind set...and he could help by  showing you extra attention.

I started off by talking to people online...then I joined a dating site...just for chat at first...and then it started getting really out of control.
I ignored my precious children...sitting in front of that awful computer screen, talking to other men.

My story was a little different from your's in the start though. My hubby made love to me only 5 times a year! YES! 5 times a year!
I was in and out of the psychiatrist and psychologists office for years...thinking that I was ugly...stinky, fat, worthless, etc.
But it wan't me...it was him. Sort of. Turns out that he was only attracted to dark skin...I didn't turn him on. He married me because his dad was a very prejudice man. Turns out hubby had been online way before I had turned to that...and he had already bought himself a mail order bride. He was hiding her in a town about an hour away. He was just waiting for me to leave him ( which he was sure that I would because he ignored the children and I all the time ).
Now he's happily married to her. lol

Anyway, if you want to save your marriage, you need to get some serious help. Tell your doctor EVERYTHING!  There are pills that can help. It may be as simple as needing extra estrogen or something...or it could require something for depression.

I'll tell you one other thing...it was my ( then 10 year old ) son who discovered that both his dad and I were cheating on each other.
He would look over our shoulders when we were talking to these people on line. Neither one of us had any idea until our little guy snapped just before the divorce.
He told me that daddy was talking to black men and Asian women about sex and stuff. He told EVERYONE how daddy would show pictures of his penis to these people. YIKES!
Little kids know things...keep that in mind.
I was 7 when I caught my mom cheating on my dad...I wanted to tell daddy, but I knew mommy and that man would get mad. I had no idea of what they were doing...but I KNEW it was bad. I just kept telling my dad that I hated his friend John.
Please...see a doctor or psychiatrist before it's too late. Watch the reactions of your children when you speak to them to see if they already know something is amiss.

Stop drinking, see your doctor, call it off with the other guys...throw your cell phone away/disconnect the internet...whatever it takes to lose contact with these guys...but ONLY if you really want to save your marriage.
It's going to be a very hard struggle...I'm not going to lie to you or sugar coat things.
I found it extremely difficult to pull myself away from the computer. I was addicted to sex chat. It wasn't until I met the man I've been with for the past 6 years that I stopped " surfing the net ". I found myself a little busy. lol
Anyway, if things do go sideways, and you end up getting caught and divorced, don't hate yourself.  I always said that I wasn't going to be like my mom either...and now...here I am...doing what she did...albeit it's a little different. I didn't drag my kids from house to house, and from man to man as she did.

I feel so bad for you, as I know exactly what you are going through.
Hopefully it helps you to know that others have gone through this as well.

I'm here if you want to chat more.
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