Aa
my story
As a kid living in the country with a big family I am thankful of my childhood! But moving to a small town and starting public school (6 grade) is where my inferiority/superiority complex began, and was the beginning of an ongoing social, personal anxiety. But even throughout my teens I seemed to be able to have my desire, outgoingness and appreciation for life outweigh my insecurities. Although, when I turned 21 and began college, my first semester I gradually developed anxiety symptoms that led me to think I was dying of some physical disease and faced my first nervous breakdown. Even though I now know that the cause was anxiety, at the time I felt that, "I do not have a psychological problem", and I couldn't fathom my physical symptoms being caused by my mind. But it was my mind, I was concerning. My concerning, or worrying, was caused by trying to start a relationship with someone I connected with very well. She liked me as much as liked her! But Because I was so insecure sexually at the time, It was hard to bring myself to "fully introduce myself to her", and when I was going to give it my best shot I decided to masturbate before visiting her, cos I thought I would last longer, and I knew she wanted sex. It turned out that I was too nervous to ejaculate and now guess what? I didn't only have a shamefully small penis but it didn't even work anymore. So this was the beginning of the onset of concern that lead to me thinking I was dying. Among all the endless, seemingly neurological symptoms I developed, I also developed a small limp as I walked and the endless doctors I saw tried to reassure me it was not physical, but that I had anxiety. I didn't believe this for a second, and for 3 months I contemplated on how I was going to kill myself before I became crippled, which I thought was happening to me. I thought I had MS, a brain tumor, you name it! But here's the dilemma, I wanted to jump off a cliff, but by the time I would reach this stage of hopelessness I would be crippled and wouldn't be able to get to a cliff. Since then I have joked saying that I guess I had High standards. Ha ha, right. But I was terrified at the time.
This went on for three months until one day I ejaculated in my friends steam room all alone and immediately began to feel liberation, and I got fully better! Yeah, sex means a lot when you are just 21 to a lot of people, and even my grandpa once told me that it doesn't matter how serious the problem is in reality, it is how serious it is precieved, that taking a doll from a child can cause equal psychological trauma as the loss of a loved one at an older age.
For years I was better, but then at age 24 I smoked some marijuana (weed) and had a reaction so bad that I thought I was becoming paralyzed on my couch, I thought of it as a spell. And for the next 3 months, once again, I was up against another "nervous breakdown". This time was the first time in my life that I felt that I was losing my mind. And I was nearly diagnosed with Conversion Disorder, but in my case it was still just Psychsomatization. Sorry for the big words but basically these are psychological conditions where you "convert" psychological fear into real physical symptoms, like with anxiety. Actually, it was learning about this from a psychiatrist that made me realize that my mind, and not a disease, could be causing all of this. Actually, I became convinced that it was psychological and very hopeful, and this one realization of what was happening to me, that it was all psychological, began a rapid process of healing, and once again, without western medicine as I have never taken out of fear of drugs, I was fully cured. Again, like the time before, this lasted 3 months and I got through it! Yes I searched the internet for self diagnosis both times, which educated me, but instilled more fear, as psychological illnesses and physical diseases share the same exact symptoms! So I really could have had anything!!
There was much learning that came for me with facing these episodes, and even made me a better person I believe. As I say today that "love is made on the background of pain". But things once again became bad again!
The Spring semester of 08 I was accepted to go on a Semester at Sea, where I traveled with an intercultural on-board community on a ship around the world! I/we traveled throughout Asia, Africa, Europe and the Middle East. It was so fun, and enriching, and I loved my experience, and the world liked me and I loved the world, meaning all the cultures of people I met. But at the end of the trip, while still on the ship, I began to do some serious self reflection. I Fell in love with other cultural ways of life and values and became ashamed of my own culture here in the West, and since then I have been facing so much self doubt, identity loss, ego loss, and loss of appreciation for who I am, who my family is, and how we see the world and live our lives. This has been at the heart of my concerns which have led into another nervous breakdown for me. Well, what made me go extremist in my views on the "collectivism" (family closeness) that I saw in Asian and African cultures, was that I naively fell in love with an Asian young woman. But because I saw so much unattractive "individualistic" (egocentrism and family disagreement) characteristics in my own self and life, I became so ashamed of myself, and since then have been on an inner dialogue about romanticizing collectivist cultures and demonizing my own individualistic culture. And of course with this perspective that relationship I so valued never worked out. We are friends however. I should say at this time that I am seeing more of a mesh of these qualities being in all culture's, as apparently all humans struggle with the "human condition", facing mental illness, war, greed etc. So, I am less ashamed of my life and culture, 2 years later!, and I see the same beauty here in the US as I do around the world, so to a good extent I was not seeing things correctly. Actually, it is a Buddhist belief that all suffering comes from not seeing things correctly. And though I have developed a kind of mental illness, regardless of the deep despair and fear I face, I continue to tell myself that once I see things correctly I will be fully cured again! And this is what gives me hope! I really believe I can get better, even though it seems impossible at times.
Continued below...
This went on for three months until one day I ejaculated in my friends steam room all alone and immediately began to feel liberation, and I got fully better! Yeah, sex means a lot when you are just 21 to a lot of people, and even my grandpa once told me that it doesn't matter how serious the problem is in reality, it is how serious it is precieved, that taking a doll from a child can cause equal psychological trauma as the loss of a loved one at an older age.
For years I was better, but then at age 24 I smoked some marijuana (weed) and had a reaction so bad that I thought I was becoming paralyzed on my couch, I thought of it as a spell. And for the next 3 months, once again, I was up against another "nervous breakdown". This time was the first time in my life that I felt that I was losing my mind. And I was nearly diagnosed with Conversion Disorder, but in my case it was still just Psychsomatization. Sorry for the big words but basically these are psychological conditions where you "convert" psychological fear into real physical symptoms, like with anxiety. Actually, it was learning about this from a psychiatrist that made me realize that my mind, and not a disease, could be causing all of this. Actually, I became convinced that it was psychological and very hopeful, and this one realization of what was happening to me, that it was all psychological, began a rapid process of healing, and once again, without western medicine as I have never taken out of fear of drugs, I was fully cured. Again, like the time before, this lasted 3 months and I got through it! Yes I searched the internet for self diagnosis both times, which educated me, but instilled more fear, as psychological illnesses and physical diseases share the same exact symptoms! So I really could have had anything!!
There was much learning that came for me with facing these episodes, and even made me a better person I believe. As I say today that "love is made on the background of pain". But things once again became bad again!
The Spring semester of 08 I was accepted to go on a Semester at Sea, where I traveled with an intercultural on-board community on a ship around the world! I/we traveled throughout Asia, Africa, Europe and the Middle East. It was so fun, and enriching, and I loved my experience, and the world liked me and I loved the world, meaning all the cultures of people I met. But at the end of the trip, while still on the ship, I began to do some serious self reflection. I Fell in love with other cultural ways of life and values and became ashamed of my own culture here in the West, and since then I have been facing so much self doubt, identity loss, ego loss, and loss of appreciation for who I am, who my family is, and how we see the world and live our lives. This has been at the heart of my concerns which have led into another nervous breakdown for me. Well, what made me go extremist in my views on the "collectivism" (family closeness) that I saw in Asian and African cultures, was that I naively fell in love with an Asian young woman. But because I saw so much unattractive "individualistic" (egocentrism and family disagreement) characteristics in my own self and life, I became so ashamed of myself, and since then have been on an inner dialogue about romanticizing collectivist cultures and demonizing my own individualistic culture. And of course with this perspective that relationship I so valued never worked out. We are friends however. I should say at this time that I am seeing more of a mesh of these qualities being in all culture's, as apparently all humans struggle with the "human condition", facing mental illness, war, greed etc. So, I am less ashamed of my life and culture, 2 years later!, and I see the same beauty here in the US as I do around the world, so to a good extent I was not seeing things correctly. Actually, it is a Buddhist belief that all suffering comes from not seeing things correctly. And though I have developed a kind of mental illness, regardless of the deep despair and fear I face, I continue to tell myself that once I see things correctly I will be fully cured again! And this is what gives me hope! I really believe I can get better, even though it seems impossible at times.
Continued below...
Complex one as my life story would have to be in two parts, one much the same as some people, one very different. I would focus on the second part, being that is the more interesting of the two. One of the reasons that I tend (at times) to lack humor or other than direct factual responses is not something that occurred before and although it may be neurological is something that I am working on as a recovery goal. I joined the site experiencing extreme dissociative states and have been working to obtain treatment for them and this has been very successful so I appreciate any ideas and input I have gained.
For most of my life when I was physically active and did not have a physical disability I was often psychotic (and certainly manic) much of the time and was hospitalized a few times (although I always sought treatment on my own from the beginning). After I was unable to tolerate all known antipsychotics including Clozaril and was diagnosed with advanced tardive dyskinesia I was authorized to use (under strict psychiatric supervision) the antipsychotic agent in Phase II FDA study glycine (part of a new class of treatments, the NMDA receptor modulates) and there was a realization (this as well as the glycine recovery was confirmed by standard psychiatric researchers) that I met the listing for the as until now unknown criteria, tardive psychosis, tardive dysphrenia and tardive dysmentia.
These have caused an odd state of Parkinsonism which affects me mentally as well as physically but I have been able to find recovery for it and also of course I have some standard recovery issues such as mood swings. I spent much of a year corresponding and advocating about my specific recovery (with my provider's support). As well I do some specific advocacy in the outside world as well as some community advocacy. I am homebound (except for a short walk a day) and am advocating for supports and services so I can go out and about more. I communicate with a TTY and will be obtaining voice simulation technology as my ability to speak is markedly impaired due to dysphagia.
I have the need for music to be playing constantly (which I did before my current recovery) and tend to connect with that. I like all kinds of music, classic rock, punk, post punk, especially jazz but have recently become interested in early music, a sub genre of classical music that would be of medieval times (such as the composer Hildegard Von Bingen) as I find that harmonically diverse and calming. I also read philosophy and besides direct logic and analysis I am interested in any philosophy that centers how people may be unique individuals but part of one consciousness (such as Carl Jung). I always wrote poetry but as my ability to speak declined, my creative abilities shifted to collage work, most of which I post on my personal page. It was in some ways strange to see my direct logical rational view of the world expand to almost that of an average person but my ability to experience average emotions such as love, happiness, joy seem to vanish but with treatment begin to regain them again.
Since the early 90's I have been involved in the disability rights movement and the people I see as role models are from that such as Ed Roberts (who founded the disability rights movement and lived all his life in a respirator after having survived polio), also more familiar figures such as F.D.R. and Stephen Hawkings. I long ago understood the idea of self acceptance and not believing in self pity so going from having a psychiatric disability to a physical disability was just a shift. I accept who I am. And I am working to document my recovery so that providers can better understand it (at their direction, as it may be incorporated into a case study) and am interested in any writings of that nature such as Oliver Sacks. It was frightening one day to see my past and many aspects of my life vanish before me but then I began to understand there was a future ahead that I would never have known existed before.
For most of my life when I was physically active and did not have a physical disability I was often psychotic (and certainly manic) much of the time and was hospitalized a few times (although I always sought treatment on my own from the beginning). After I was unable to tolerate all known antipsychotics including Clozaril and was diagnosed with advanced tardive dyskinesia I was authorized to use (under strict psychiatric supervision) the antipsychotic agent in Phase II FDA study glycine (part of a new class of treatments, the NMDA receptor modulates) and there was a realization (this as well as the glycine recovery was confirmed by standard psychiatric researchers) that I met the listing for the as until now unknown criteria, tardive psychosis, tardive dysphrenia and tardive dysmentia.
These have caused an odd state of Parkinsonism which affects me mentally as well as physically but I have been able to find recovery for it and also of course I have some standard recovery issues such as mood swings. I spent much of a year corresponding and advocating about my specific recovery (with my provider's support). As well I do some specific advocacy in the outside world as well as some community advocacy. I am homebound (except for a short walk a day) and am advocating for supports and services so I can go out and about more. I communicate with a TTY and will be obtaining voice simulation technology as my ability to speak is markedly impaired due to dysphagia.
I have the need for music to be playing constantly (which I did before my current recovery) and tend to connect with that. I like all kinds of music, classic rock, punk, post punk, especially jazz but have recently become interested in early music, a sub genre of classical music that would be of medieval times (such as the composer Hildegard Von Bingen) as I find that harmonically diverse and calming. I also read philosophy and besides direct logic and analysis I am interested in any philosophy that centers how people may be unique individuals but part of one consciousness (such as Carl Jung). I always wrote poetry but as my ability to speak declined, my creative abilities shifted to collage work, most of which I post on my personal page. It was in some ways strange to see my direct logical rational view of the world expand to almost that of an average person but my ability to experience average emotions such as love, happiness, joy seem to vanish but with treatment begin to regain them again.
Since the early 90's I have been involved in the disability rights movement and the people I see as role models are from that such as Ed Roberts (who founded the disability rights movement and lived all his life in a respirator after having survived polio), also more familiar figures such as F.D.R. and Stephen Hawkings. I long ago understood the idea of self acceptance and not believing in self pity so going from having a psychiatric disability to a physical disability was just a shift. I accept who I am. And I am working to document my recovery so that providers can better understand it (at their direction, as it may be incorporated into a case study) and am interested in any writings of that nature such as Oliver Sacks. It was frightening one day to see my past and many aspects of my life vanish before me but then I began to understand there was a future ahead that I would never have known existed before.
Oh, you dear sweet thing. Pardon if I seem condescending. I feel like I delicately cradle humanity and don't mean to talk down to people. I don't know how much you'll want my help considering where I am in my life story.
I think I'm gonna start by saying that today I stated that I would be sharing my life story in my happy place forum, somewhat jokingly, and here I am, today! sharing my life story. I also have to comment on you user name as my BIG, grand, hard life lesson this life is certainly all about being patient. I'm sure I said recently somewhere, that it's funny I had to become a patient in order to get back on track with learning it.
Oh, anxiety. I know it well. I also know that it's not the cause of my physical ills in all but the most basic functioning of reality ways. I've gotta go soon, but I will say this.
When you think of an experience you are creating it. Maybe not here/now, (i apologize; my mind tires FAST these days)but it's like blowing bubbles through a tainted wand. Over time you forget that these are even seemingly negative experiences being created. For me this is becuz I have fear. Fear works like a magnet, drawing what ever it is that you don't want right to you. Unless you are aware of the process of creation it' s very hard to let anxiety fall away from you.
Fear is the base. Why is there even the concept of control? I'd say it's cuz someone feared not having it. Duality, the concept of it, dictates that for human to know it must know what it is NOT as well. So you're like really screwing yourself over when you have fears about control. I'm being blunt, but this is etwas I have to remind myself of time and again.
I'm really super duper visual, so this is how I see things. Every single thought, fear, desire, gets created as little bubbles of experience(time matters not; it's relative) and those are suspended in an infinite space. We teleport across gazillions of miles to get from one bubble of experience to the next sometimes. These things don't stop happening cuz you think them. They exist forever because you think them, so you pretty much have to drag your mind out it's well worn rut and kick it into gear, so you are having fantastic, incredible experiences. You have more power(so to speak) as a human when you are in your heart-space, centered in you own personal flow of creation. More often than not, I've found that I have the most success at creating good experiences when I don't try at all. Chance meetings and sudden plans are best for me. Otherwise I sit and walk thru every little way an experience I'm expecting to happen, will happen for me. And that bull will keep ya up for days, or me anywho. So, you can't blow a bubble without releasing your breath; i sure do hold mine when I'm anxious, don't you? When you blow a bubble you know it's gonna float away(for a ways at least) or pop in ur face. Chances are that the bubble popped in your face cuz you were blowing too hard. It's really as simple as that; don't try so hard, don't force yourself to have certain experiences. Every single thing that should happen does happen and will happen whether you fear it or embrace. I really and truly believe that you cannot ever stray from the path, cuz you create it as you walk it. So what feels right to you, what feels like home to you, the parts of you that are at peace with the world and thus the self(and it sounds like you are there) that is who you summon to blow bubbles for you. I seriously just wait for that person to pop in and say"hey, are you ready to trust that you are creating the most perfect life experiences every step of the way?", cuz the beauty and love calls it to the forefront so easily these days. Sometimes I still feel worry and fret and guilt and shame and i put that in a bubble and let it sit there til i' ready to let it go. Nothing can happen until you're ready to allow. Life is hard and sucky and the state of the world is the darkest before dawn stage right now, RIGHT NOW, so that's a whole lot of energy being up-heaved; i believe with every fiber of my being that all of the stuff/energy is good, becuz all of it forces us to evolve or die. I long knew the world would end in fire and ice deathy destruction, cuz the balance will be restored once the scales are empty. But now I see that we can come together as a species and a collective human consciousness to just agree to dismiss karma and time and limitation. We are one soul, suffering, and for those of us sensitive to vibes and energies that is whole boatload of suffering for one person. It's too much for the whole earth, too.
now i'm gonna quote tool becuz they say it well and it got into rotation in this reality(i'm shut out for the most part-crazy they say-they are expressions of my own fear of appearing crazy-me? i say they exist in this world becuz it's time to remember who we are and what we are doing here and i am, as far as I know, the only one person who knows through and through that they've been creating this illusion all along)
do you like TOOL?
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
Alive
This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing
chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.
I think I'm gonna start by saying that today I stated that I would be sharing my life story in my happy place forum, somewhat jokingly, and here I am, today! sharing my life story. I also have to comment on you user name as my BIG, grand, hard life lesson this life is certainly all about being patient. I'm sure I said recently somewhere, that it's funny I had to become a patient in order to get back on track with learning it.
Oh, anxiety. I know it well. I also know that it's not the cause of my physical ills in all but the most basic functioning of reality ways. I've gotta go soon, but I will say this.
When you think of an experience you are creating it. Maybe not here/now, (i apologize; my mind tires FAST these days)but it's like blowing bubbles through a tainted wand. Over time you forget that these are even seemingly negative experiences being created. For me this is becuz I have fear. Fear works like a magnet, drawing what ever it is that you don't want right to you. Unless you are aware of the process of creation it' s very hard to let anxiety fall away from you.
Fear is the base. Why is there even the concept of control? I'd say it's cuz someone feared not having it. Duality, the concept of it, dictates that for human to know it must know what it is NOT as well. So you're like really screwing yourself over when you have fears about control. I'm being blunt, but this is etwas I have to remind myself of time and again.
I'm really super duper visual, so this is how I see things. Every single thought, fear, desire, gets created as little bubbles of experience(time matters not; it's relative) and those are suspended in an infinite space. We teleport across gazillions of miles to get from one bubble of experience to the next sometimes. These things don't stop happening cuz you think them. They exist forever because you think them, so you pretty much have to drag your mind out it's well worn rut and kick it into gear, so you are having fantastic, incredible experiences. You have more power(so to speak) as a human when you are in your heart-space, centered in you own personal flow of creation. More often than not, I've found that I have the most success at creating good experiences when I don't try at all. Chance meetings and sudden plans are best for me. Otherwise I sit and walk thru every little way an experience I'm expecting to happen, will happen for me. And that bull will keep ya up for days, or me anywho. So, you can't blow a bubble without releasing your breath; i sure do hold mine when I'm anxious, don't you? When you blow a bubble you know it's gonna float away(for a ways at least) or pop in ur face. Chances are that the bubble popped in your face cuz you were blowing too hard. It's really as simple as that; don't try so hard, don't force yourself to have certain experiences. Every single thing that should happen does happen and will happen whether you fear it or embrace. I really and truly believe that you cannot ever stray from the path, cuz you create it as you walk it. So what feels right to you, what feels like home to you, the parts of you that are at peace with the world and thus the self(and it sounds like you are there) that is who you summon to blow bubbles for you. I seriously just wait for that person to pop in and say"hey, are you ready to trust that you are creating the most perfect life experiences every step of the way?", cuz the beauty and love calls it to the forefront so easily these days. Sometimes I still feel worry and fret and guilt and shame and i put that in a bubble and let it sit there til i' ready to let it go. Nothing can happen until you're ready to allow. Life is hard and sucky and the state of the world is the darkest before dawn stage right now, RIGHT NOW, so that's a whole lot of energy being up-heaved; i believe with every fiber of my being that all of the stuff/energy is good, becuz all of it forces us to evolve or die. I long knew the world would end in fire and ice deathy destruction, cuz the balance will be restored once the scales are empty. But now I see that we can come together as a species and a collective human consciousness to just agree to dismiss karma and time and limitation. We are one soul, suffering, and for those of us sensitive to vibes and energies that is whole boatload of suffering for one person. It's too much for the whole earth, too.
now i'm gonna quote tool becuz they say it well and it got into rotation in this reality(i'm shut out for the most part-crazy they say-they are expressions of my own fear of appearing crazy-me? i say they exist in this world becuz it's time to remember who we are and what we are doing here and i am, as far as I know, the only one person who knows through and through that they've been creating this illusion all along)
do you like TOOL?
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
Alive
This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing
chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.
Last page...
So I am still trying to get better, on my own, and with the support of others who can relate. I created this group because I think that we, here on medhelp, hurt and suffering and looking for something better, can find exactly what we are looking for, right here! I am hoping to make real friends and get real support, and so I am setting the stage for this to happen, so that we don't feel alone. Everyone is brought together by something. For some people it may be football, for others it may be sex, for others it may be love, for some it may be all three, but the point is that there is compatibility, and we will only ever really find what we are looking for if we make our selves be known, and be open with who we really are and how we feel about things. I believe it is not too hard to achieve this. We just have to be honest, and open!
ok, this is a good enough self description for now, I will change it as I change, and hope that I can meet some wonderful people here! People who I can relate to and maybe over time become very close friends, to make thoughts of suicide or hopelessness that much more non-existent. So please feel more than free to write to me if you want. And remember, we can be honest, because that's the only way we will ever find each other!! I look forward to hearing your story, no matter how unwanted you think you may be, or how crazy you think you are, and I hope you can speak from your heart and just let it all out. I think it will be very beneficial :) And I'm sure your story isn't as long and boring, and scattered as mine. Also, I read on all the forums and hear all your stories, and there are no stories that I am afraid to read. I actually appreciate your stories so much!! I am trying to learn that there is no need to be afraid of the scary things that many of us experience, because I think there is hope for everyone. So I really hope that you can share your story in detail and tell what you think has caused your condition, so that we can help each other, support each other, and be there for each other!
With all the love that my heart can possibly cultivate,
Ash
Now i will explain my condition, my symptoms and what I experience. Ok first of all I was diagnosed with depression by a psychiatrist. Another doctor said, "you want a diagnosis, you are scared". My family doctor said I have anxiety, and said "you share a lot in common with the rest of humanity... everyone struggles with their relationship with the world...". But now I will try to diagnose myself. I believe i have been struggling with a mental illness. I have isolated myself so much that I only ever interact with people "in passing". I don't make plans because I'm afraid that it will cause WAY too much anxiety! I sometimes get so anxious that I need to escape from interacting with people and try to ease my mind from such an unrelaxed state. and I am afraid that people will see me like this! I am not in full control over my emotions. Sometimes I feel extremely anxious. sometimes I get upset with the fact that all of this has happened to me and I don't have the support. I sometimes cry, though less these days. I was living in my car for my last semester (Spring 09) ( I graduated college :)) and now I am staying with my brother but still sleep outside, usually in my car cos as weird as it sounds but our neighbors have a cow that gets out and roams around in the mid of night, so I just stay in my car and not in my tent, it's safer. I also get, when very stressed a swelling of my veins in my temple and side of forehead. This upsets me as much as it scares me because I value how my forehead looks, and sometimes when this happens I have a hard time swallowing and feel like I'm gonna drop dead. My doctor assures me it is anxiety. It is amazing how my head veins will basically completely subside (disappear), however, they can bother me and even cause a kind of migraine headache, which may or may not coincide with my anxiousness, both which are my most serious conditions these days and can last for a day or so at a time. To some extent this anxiousness is always there which is why I tell myself that "im still trying to get better". My doctor said this sounds like generalized anxiety. Sometimes I will get sensations throughout my body, I know classic anxiety, but the weakness I get in my legs sometimes just reminds me that I may become crippled any day. Because I often get stressed I have this habit of pressing my fingers against my head where I feel constant tension. Though I am seemingly doing a lot better these days, I have had many serious problems within this last year. From feeling like I was losing my mind to being curled up on a pond deck thinking that I was becoming fully paralyzed. And though I have been doing almost alright these days, I know that I could fall back into despair and have another reoccurring episode, and I am still insecure really. But I guess I hide it well cos people seem think I am fine, and young woman show they are attracted to me, which is probably the main thing that has given me hope! However, I can never make a commitment or even suggest hanging out with anyone because I am really not well. Although, I think it would really help me to be in love with someone who understands me. But the last thing I could handle is getting close to someone and then having them disappear from my life. I really feel so alone inside, still! I only interact with people, besides family, when I see them. I actually have a hard time even calling most family members to make plans to stop by.. it's too stressful.. seemingly way too stressful! But I usually do pretty good with in passing interactions, which is how i live my life these days. This would work if I had a family of my own, but instead, I am alone. And the fact that I have no-one i can rely on is why I am so messed up and afraid, and lonely even though it seems like I'm getting used to it. But my main goal in life is to find true love, someone, or some people who i can fully appreciate and love, and who can understand me. That and I am still trying to understand all of these things that have been bothering me for so long. Alright, what am I leaving out? Well my daily life these days is getting up in the morning, try to go to bed and rise with the sun, eat healthily, find as much organic farm work as I can so I can continue to survive, and have purpose. I get a cinnamon raisin bagel every morning with extra creamchese and have a nice relationship with the young woman who makes my bagel for me. She is really nice/sweet and always tells me to have a great day, and she's the only one in that bakery who knows what extra creamchese means. What part of extra creamchese do you not understand, haha! Oh yeah, I sometimes get in a funny mood where I lose focus of being humble, and I will start thinking to myself cynical, humorous, absurd thoughts about life in general. But I am getting better at stopping this cynicism and absurdity because I know it is not practicing compassion, and it even begins to cause me stress anyway. So I have a sensitive mind, don't know a better way to describe it!
I am living in Bristol VT right now which is actually treating me well so far, and I didn't think it would because I thought I needed a place where there were more people. So I am very thankful of that! Oh, I drive around in my little Toyota Tercel which gets 40 miles to the gallon, but of course my lifestyle could change any day! If it wasn't for good food, fruit and all, I would have probably lost hope by now. And even though I am struggling spiritually, I am usually doing ok, and am still motivated by life. I am very compassionate and non-confrontational. I hate confrontation, I can't handle it. And I can't handle criticism. I want peace in my life and with others. And I need love. Also I should mention that I wish people had a high sense of morality, as this has been the nature of my concerning. I have been critical of my family and culture and self for not being good enough people. This has been the nature of my illness! But I should also say that I am not always right, but I think I can also get away with saying that I am not always wrong either. I guess I just wish things could be better! I like to visit natural beauty places like a trip to the ocean, the forests, the beach, and I like going in the river. I like gardening for work, I like thinking about love, I don't do any drugs or alcohol, I'm high enough! I like being real, and am attracted to other peoples suffering because i can relate and want to help. And with the exception of all the craziness in my life especially within the last year, I love life so much! I like real and honest interactions and am trying to be this way myself. I like peacefulness!
I am living in Bristol VT right now which is actually treating me well so far, and I didn't think it would because I thought I needed a place where there were more people. So I am very thankful of that! Oh, I drive around in my little Toyota Tercel which gets 40 miles to the gallon, but of course my lifestyle could change any day! If it wasn't for good food, fruit and all, I would have probably lost hope by now. And even though I am struggling spiritually, I am usually doing ok, and am still motivated by life. I am very compassionate and non-confrontational. I hate confrontation, I can't handle it. And I can't handle criticism. I want peace in my life and with others. And I need love. Also I should mention that I wish people had a high sense of morality, as this has been the nature of my concerning. I have been critical of my family and culture and self for not being good enough people. This has been the nature of my illness! But I should also say that I am not always right, but I think I can also get away with saying that I am not always wrong either. I guess I just wish things could be better! I like to visit natural beauty places like a trip to the ocean, the forests, the beach, and I like going in the river. I like gardening for work, I like thinking about love, I don't do any drugs or alcohol, I'm high enough! I like being real, and am attracted to other peoples suffering because i can relate and want to help. And with the exception of all the craziness in my life especially within the last year, I love life so much! I like real and honest interactions and am trying to be this way myself. I like peacefulness!
So in the Summer of 09 I had this third nervous breakdown which was gradually developing for the 2 years since returning home from my trip. Actually, before my actual nervous breakdown I noticed I would become very stressed at times, like when I saw other peoples lives working out well. See I was kind of depressed, and obviously bothered and concerned ever since retuning home to the US, but at that time I was just trying to make sense out of it all and I was coping! But being so unsure with myself, and so unappreciative of my life I was naturally distancing myself from others.. I was waiting for the day that I "came to terms with myself" and asked that young woman if I could visit her. A year had passed and I still couldn't bring myself to tell her that I liked her. Also, she has been living in the US, on the opposite side of the continent from me for the last 5 years of her life, so a relationship was not very unrealistic! Though she grew up in Hong Kong!
But then one night, after masturbation, I had sensations, almost like an overwhelmed continued bad orgasm which was going through my legs especially (very similar to my first nervous breakdown experience). It was subtle, but enough for me to start dwelling on!!!! I guess I was at my breaking point with everything. Because that night I was also writing my essay to get into Naturopathy Medical school, as I was wanting to become a doctor (I know, more lofty ideas, right?!). I guess I just couldn't take it anymore and my ongoing built up hopelessness and concern decided to express itself through my body, giving me physical symptoms, once again!
Of course, I did not anticipate this, but it makes sense that it happened.
Once again I thought I was losing control over my body and thought that I may become crippled, as I was weak especially in my legs. Yeah, I "had enough", I "lost my grip", I was having a "nervous breakdown"!!!
Of course this was my reality when I woke up the next day, and now a year has gone by and I am still not really better!
Just a few days after this 3rd nervous breakdown, to continue the story, I stopped into the hub in downtown Johnson VT where I was attending school, and interacting with people just messed with my head. I remember leaving there and walking home feeling so detached and concerned, not just about the weakness sensation in my legs, but during my walk home I began to have a more psychological reaction. I felt like I was now struggling for my sanity! And this ongoing struggle to keep my sanity and become well again has been, to some extent, my life ever since. And though this has terrified me and caused many bad reactions (physiological and emotional), I somehow continue on, believing that inner peace, happiness, sanity, love, appreciation, and overall goodness are possible, and everyday I strive for these things. Sometimes I actually feel well, and almost liberated, but this doesn't last very long, and though I have been doing ok these days, I still am waiting for the day that things make sense to me and I am free! Actually, I truly believe, with all my heart, that the suffering I go through is a result of me not learning the lessons it is trying to teach me, or because I am unable to realize the beauty that suffering brings. It's a very philosophical concept, but I basically believe that all the suffering in life can be relieved once we understand the nature of reality, we can be cured of our illness, and freed from suffering. I'm not Buddhist, but this is a very Buddhist belief, and maybe there is truth within it, seeing how Buddhism is one of the worlds most widely practiced religions/belief systems. So as far as treatment goes, I will never take Western medical drugs because I think they would cause me more harm, and I have always thought that I can cure myself through wisdom. And though this time appears to be more serious, I have already done this twice.
Continued below...
But then one night, after masturbation, I had sensations, almost like an overwhelmed continued bad orgasm which was going through my legs especially (very similar to my first nervous breakdown experience). It was subtle, but enough for me to start dwelling on!!!! I guess I was at my breaking point with everything. Because that night I was also writing my essay to get into Naturopathy Medical school, as I was wanting to become a doctor (I know, more lofty ideas, right?!). I guess I just couldn't take it anymore and my ongoing built up hopelessness and concern decided to express itself through my body, giving me physical symptoms, once again!
Of course, I did not anticipate this, but it makes sense that it happened.
Once again I thought I was losing control over my body and thought that I may become crippled, as I was weak especially in my legs. Yeah, I "had enough", I "lost my grip", I was having a "nervous breakdown"!!!
Of course this was my reality when I woke up the next day, and now a year has gone by and I am still not really better!
Just a few days after this 3rd nervous breakdown, to continue the story, I stopped into the hub in downtown Johnson VT where I was attending school, and interacting with people just messed with my head. I remember leaving there and walking home feeling so detached and concerned, not just about the weakness sensation in my legs, but during my walk home I began to have a more psychological reaction. I felt like I was now struggling for my sanity! And this ongoing struggle to keep my sanity and become well again has been, to some extent, my life ever since. And though this has terrified me and caused many bad reactions (physiological and emotional), I somehow continue on, believing that inner peace, happiness, sanity, love, appreciation, and overall goodness are possible, and everyday I strive for these things. Sometimes I actually feel well, and almost liberated, but this doesn't last very long, and though I have been doing ok these days, I still am waiting for the day that things make sense to me and I am free! Actually, I truly believe, with all my heart, that the suffering I go through is a result of me not learning the lessons it is trying to teach me, or because I am unable to realize the beauty that suffering brings. It's a very philosophical concept, but I basically believe that all the suffering in life can be relieved once we understand the nature of reality, we can be cured of our illness, and freed from suffering. I'm not Buddhist, but this is a very Buddhist belief, and maybe there is truth within it, seeing how Buddhism is one of the worlds most widely practiced religions/belief systems. So as far as treatment goes, I will never take Western medical drugs because I think they would cause me more harm, and I have always thought that I can cure myself through wisdom. And though this time appears to be more serious, I have already done this twice.
Continued below...
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