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My 13 year old son has no conscience
My husband and I have 2 boys, ages 13 and 10, and I am currently pregnant with our third child. Our 13 year old is not my biological child, but I have raised him since he was 3 and have legally adopted him, there is very minimal interaction with his biological mother, and my husband is his biological father, there are no marital issues and our home is fairly "normal".
The last year has been absolute hell with our 13 year old. He doesn't care about anything or anyone. He has no respect for authority, that includes parents, grandparents, teachers. He lies to our faces with no remorse, tells me that he hates living in our home, our rules suck *ss (and no I DO NOT allow swearing in my house), beats the living **** out of my younger son, I'm not just talking a smack I'm talking full out throw him against the wall. He is just plain out mean to both me and his brother, hurtful words are his specialty. He refuses to even call my Mother, who has done everything for him, to just say hello - . He won't do anything that will not benefit him in some way or another. The entire world revolves around him.
His grades are terrible, there is a complete lack of communication with his teachers, they refuse to even sign a homework book so that I can make sure his homework is done. The school is completely uncooperative, they say that at his age he should be responsible enough to write his homework himself, and my request is unnecessary.
I have tried grounding him, I mean, my husband took EVERYTHING out of his room, he was left with nothing, and he just doesn't care. He'll lay there and go to sleep, he honest to God does not care. Nothing phases him. Yesterday he lied to me, I told him to sit at the table and write I will not lie to my mother 150 times. He told me "that's bull sh**" and walked out of my house. He was gone for 3 hours, I had no idea where he was, and to be honest, at that point I really didn't care if he ever came home. My husband tried to talk to him, my son won't even look at him, as though my husband and I did something wrong! Andy told him that he hates us, he hates being home, all of a sudden the brother he was raised with for the last 10 years is NOT his brother. He's told my younger son that he's not his brother, and never will be. What did his 10 year old brother do to deserve that?
He is diagnosed ADHD and has always been on medication for it, and is in special education classes with learning support. Until this last year, his grades have always been high Cs or better, now he's all low Ds and Fs.
So basically, he's lying, has no remorse for his wrong doings, I punish him, he leaves the house anyway. WHAT DO I DO? I'm at my whits end, I've absolutely had it with him! My patience has run out and I'm ready to commit him to an institution somewhere! How can I have him throwing things and swearing with a new baby due in February????? HELP ME PLEASE!
The last year has been absolute hell with our 13 year old. He doesn't care about anything or anyone. He has no respect for authority, that includes parents, grandparents, teachers. He lies to our faces with no remorse, tells me that he hates living in our home, our rules suck *ss (and no I DO NOT allow swearing in my house), beats the living **** out of my younger son, I'm not just talking a smack I'm talking full out throw him against the wall. He is just plain out mean to both me and his brother, hurtful words are his specialty. He refuses to even call my Mother, who has done everything for him, to just say hello - . He won't do anything that will not benefit him in some way or another. The entire world revolves around him.
His grades are terrible, there is a complete lack of communication with his teachers, they refuse to even sign a homework book so that I can make sure his homework is done. The school is completely uncooperative, they say that at his age he should be responsible enough to write his homework himself, and my request is unnecessary.
I have tried grounding him, I mean, my husband took EVERYTHING out of his room, he was left with nothing, and he just doesn't care. He'll lay there and go to sleep, he honest to God does not care. Nothing phases him. Yesterday he lied to me, I told him to sit at the table and write I will not lie to my mother 150 times. He told me "that's bull sh**" and walked out of my house. He was gone for 3 hours, I had no idea where he was, and to be honest, at that point I really didn't care if he ever came home. My husband tried to talk to him, my son won't even look at him, as though my husband and I did something wrong! Andy told him that he hates us, he hates being home, all of a sudden the brother he was raised with for the last 10 years is NOT his brother. He's told my younger son that he's not his brother, and never will be. What did his 10 year old brother do to deserve that?
He is diagnosed ADHD and has always been on medication for it, and is in special education classes with learning support. Until this last year, his grades have always been high Cs or better, now he's all low Ds and Fs.
So basically, he's lying, has no remorse for his wrong doings, I punish him, he leaves the house anyway. WHAT DO I DO? I'm at my whits end, I've absolutely had it with him! My patience has run out and I'm ready to commit him to an institution somewhere! How can I have him throwing things and swearing with a new baby due in February????? HELP ME PLEASE!
Call institutions to take problem children like this OUT of the home. Dont put them in a voluntary place. Make sure its a place that they need to stay in until they are better. These places cost money but they are worth it. They will teach them how to cope and they will correctly diagnose them. I wish I would have done so many things differently with my son, who is soon to be 28. He didnt get any better and no drug helped him other than illegal ones that he chose to take. It all just made it worse. You think a child is a nightmare at 13 like that? Try one at 27 years old who wont go away and stays in your life to the point of financial drain. Im speaking from personal experience. Dont blame it on ADHD, etc. It doesnt matter. The reality is that professionals need to fix these children in a place where they cannot leave and remain safe not only to others but themselves. If I were to do it all over again, I would have followed through on this and I had opportunity to. I didnt do my child any favors and he would have thanked me later. Now hes a mess and Im still stuck with him.
Frustrated, it sounds like your son has reactive attachment disorder - did he get any bonding an attention at all during his first 2 years? I have a friend who is now out of a mental institution, and into a "boot camp" type format that hopefully will teach him self respect and to care. The problem with him is he doesn't care - at all - what consequences are, and he doesn't view himself as human. He literally will state that he's better than humans, and he has no attachment to anything or anyone at all. No amount of punishment at school or at home phases him or no amount of peer rejection gets his notice.
Look up reactive attachment disorder - it may be helpful to you.
Look up reactive attachment disorder - it may be helpful to you.
I can hear the despair in your voice, and I wish that I knew what to say to you. It sounds like you are living with our 13 year old son. The only thing you didn't mention is whether or not he steals. Our son has been stealing here in the house (food, money, items from my purse, gum, anything of his older brothers that he wanted, candy, etc.) for at least 5 years. He would drink the creamer for our coffee, the pancake syrup, the chocolate syrup. He would eat all the cheese, cookies didn't last a day, eat 5 or 6 bananas at a time. We have had to resort to chaining and locking the pantry and refrigerator. My fear was that it would escalate into him stealing from a store. My husband remainded steadfast in his belief in our son, that he knew stealing was wrong and he would never steal from a store. Well, the day after Christmas our son showed us.....yep, he stole a keychain from a Cracker Barrell. We, too, have literally taken EVERYTHING from his room---his comment after sleeping on the floor the first night was that he slept great and didn't mind it at all. You can punish him as severly as anyone can imagine (without crossing the line into abuse), and literally within a minute (yep, 60 seconds) he is singing and skipping through the house.
He is currently on Vyvanse (2x daily), Prozac (1x daily), and Rhispidol (nightly). All of this just makes him somewhat capable of living with. He has been on EVERY medicine for ADHD and this seems to be the best combination we've found. He has been in therapy for at least a year, and that is just wasting money and time. I really do hate saying that, but in order for therapy to work the patient has to work it-----and he just won't do it. Things have gotten so bad here that we are looking into placing him into a residential program at the local children's home. He will be starting their day treatment program this week, and will transition into the residential program within 4 - 6 weeks. That may sound harsh, but we want what is best for him. And we are at our wits end as to how/what we can do to help him.
He seems to have no concept of what is and is not appropiate to say in public. It's like he has no social skills at all. He will ask his little friend up the street who is paying for the new cell phone she got for Christmas, and talk at church about liking to french kiss his girlfriend (even though he has never even kissed her on the check), or come outside with my mom standing there and start talking about one of the animals pooping on the carpet in the livingroom.
So far this year he has had in-school suspension 3 times, with the 3rd time converting into out-of-school suspension. That happened because he was being so disruptive, loud, and rude in his ISS that I was called and asked to remove him from school grounds immediately.
I am telling you all of this just so you will know that you are not alone. I know that it often feels that way, and that no other child in the world can possibly be like yours. Well, please know that you are not alone. It is easy to feel like nothing you do will ever help or even make the slightest difference. All I know to tell you is to keep trying, talking to doctors, doing research on the internet, praying for a better day, trying new medicines and combination of medicines and maybe one day we both will have very happy, well adjusted, and productive sons.
Hopeful_in_NC
He is currently on Vyvanse (2x daily), Prozac (1x daily), and Rhispidol (nightly). All of this just makes him somewhat capable of living with. He has been on EVERY medicine for ADHD and this seems to be the best combination we've found. He has been in therapy for at least a year, and that is just wasting money and time. I really do hate saying that, but in order for therapy to work the patient has to work it-----and he just won't do it. Things have gotten so bad here that we are looking into placing him into a residential program at the local children's home. He will be starting their day treatment program this week, and will transition into the residential program within 4 - 6 weeks. That may sound harsh, but we want what is best for him. And we are at our wits end as to how/what we can do to help him.
He seems to have no concept of what is and is not appropiate to say in public. It's like he has no social skills at all. He will ask his little friend up the street who is paying for the new cell phone she got for Christmas, and talk at church about liking to french kiss his girlfriend (even though he has never even kissed her on the check), or come outside with my mom standing there and start talking about one of the animals pooping on the carpet in the livingroom.
So far this year he has had in-school suspension 3 times, with the 3rd time converting into out-of-school suspension. That happened because he was being so disruptive, loud, and rude in his ISS that I was called and asked to remove him from school grounds immediately.
I am telling you all of this just so you will know that you are not alone. I know that it often feels that way, and that no other child in the world can possibly be like yours. Well, please know that you are not alone. It is easy to feel like nothing you do will ever help or even make the slightest difference. All I know to tell you is to keep trying, talking to doctors, doing research on the internet, praying for a better day, trying new medicines and combination of medicines and maybe one day we both will have very happy, well adjusted, and productive sons.
Hopeful_in_NC
Pat yourself on the back-it is very difficult having to take care of an overactive, inattentive and impulsive child. It in normal for children with ADHD to often have problems with conduct and acedemic performances. Their acedemic perforamce on spelling, reading and arthmetic are often below average. But since you stated the he used to do better at school, maybe something is not quite right at school and you should make an appointment with the school to see it something is brewing. Also, ask His Dr. to try another medication-sometimes the body become less effective to that long -term medication. You sometimes need time-out on occasion.
Have you considered a personality disorder? I might suggest you google the term and see if any of the descriptions remind you of this child. I really think there is more going on here than ADD/ADHD and a visit to your family doctor requesting a referral to a medical mental health specialist (as a child psychiatrist) might be a prudent action. I do hope that I am wrong ....
It sounds like you could get the meds checked out you dont say what he is on but it is well catalogued that some of the meds they give children for ADHD can have many side effects including agression, nightmares ,stealing.Google the med he is on for further information, and ask the Doctor to check the dosage or change it, have you ever tried giving him supplements experts have shown that Vit BComplex and Vit C are beneficial to children with ADHD do this though once you have checked with the Doctor , ,Good Luck
1 Comments
Add Wellbutrin XL to his ADHD meds. It blunts the side effects and completely helps with aggression and oppositional behavior. Try it.... Ask his doctor to prescribe.
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