Aa
annoyed
this is a vent post...just some stuff I need to express.
I'm finding myself incredibley annoyed and b!tchy today...oh, and very itchy. I think when I go thru high stress I get hives or something...this same thing happened to me years ago when I was living with the idiot who became my husband. but anyway...
I'm in a cranky mood, my finger hurts...i don't know what is wrong with it but it hurts like hell..and the tendonitis in my thumb (opposite hand than the one with the hurt finger) is acting up again. I kind of want to go to the pain doc to get a shot...but then again I don't...I don't know how many of those little shots is healthy and whatnot. there's gotta be a better way.
I have an incredible headache that will not go away...i have taken tylenol extra strength to no avail..even some sinus meds and still no relief.
I want a vicodin.
But I wont take one...I don't have any, which is a good start...I do know that within a few hours I could have my grubby hands on an oxycontin...but I wont ask for that either. I will get thru this without taking anything.
As most of you know i have a little over a month clean and nearly a month off of cigarettes...I don't even want a cigarette...that, in itself, is amazing. I smell cigs from other people and on other people and it makes me angry...the smell just p!sses me off...not because I "can't" have one...cuz I can choose to go that route, i don't want to. I think I get angry at the addiction itself.
the only reason for me to want to take anything...like a pill or a smoke... is simply to escape...to escape the annoyance of being awake and at work and having to deal with life of life's terms. I'm not liking it today. I may like it tomorrow...who knows. who cares. that's the other thing...lately i have this really ugly attitude of 'not caring'...but its only about work. It's probably because A) i'm leaving for vacation next week, B) I'll be out most of Feb. due to surgery and C) I'm leaving here for good no later than April 30th (moving out of state). So...I've already 'checked out' at work. I'm just going thru the motions.
I'm stressed out because at the end of April I will not have a job ... i don't know how long it will take to me to get a job in a town that has an unemployment rate of 11%!!! However, my man doesn't seem to be too worried as he knows I have several different skills and will be sure to find a job doing something. Also, I'm already training in Dog Grooming so that I can find myself something other than administrative work to do when I do become a job hunter. :)
I think I'm done venting for now...I just needed to blow off some steam and say 'out loud' that I want a pill. I'm over it now...I wont take one, it wont help in the long run anyway...
Thanks for listening
(((hugs)))
~Amber
I'm finding myself incredibley annoyed and b!tchy today...oh, and very itchy. I think when I go thru high stress I get hives or something...this same thing happened to me years ago when I was living with the idiot who became my husband. but anyway...
I'm in a cranky mood, my finger hurts...i don't know what is wrong with it but it hurts like hell..and the tendonitis in my thumb (opposite hand than the one with the hurt finger) is acting up again. I kind of want to go to the pain doc to get a shot...but then again I don't...I don't know how many of those little shots is healthy and whatnot. there's gotta be a better way.
I have an incredible headache that will not go away...i have taken tylenol extra strength to no avail..even some sinus meds and still no relief.
I want a vicodin.
But I wont take one...I don't have any, which is a good start...I do know that within a few hours I could have my grubby hands on an oxycontin...but I wont ask for that either. I will get thru this without taking anything.
As most of you know i have a little over a month clean and nearly a month off of cigarettes...I don't even want a cigarette...that, in itself, is amazing. I smell cigs from other people and on other people and it makes me angry...the smell just p!sses me off...not because I "can't" have one...cuz I can choose to go that route, i don't want to. I think I get angry at the addiction itself.
the only reason for me to want to take anything...like a pill or a smoke... is simply to escape...to escape the annoyance of being awake and at work and having to deal with life of life's terms. I'm not liking it today. I may like it tomorrow...who knows. who cares. that's the other thing...lately i have this really ugly attitude of 'not caring'...but its only about work. It's probably because A) i'm leaving for vacation next week, B) I'll be out most of Feb. due to surgery and C) I'm leaving here for good no later than April 30th (moving out of state). So...I've already 'checked out' at work. I'm just going thru the motions.
I'm stressed out because at the end of April I will not have a job ... i don't know how long it will take to me to get a job in a town that has an unemployment rate of 11%!!! However, my man doesn't seem to be too worried as he knows I have several different skills and will be sure to find a job doing something. Also, I'm already training in Dog Grooming so that I can find myself something other than administrative work to do when I do become a job hunter. :)
I think I'm done venting for now...I just needed to blow off some steam and say 'out loud' that I want a pill. I'm over it now...I wont take one, it wont help in the long run anyway...
Thanks for listening
(((hugs)))
~Amber
Vent away Laura...it feels good and like previously stated...good for the soul.
Freebird...you are so right about holding on to anger...and I am...about my cat who passed in July. I'm still angry that it happened...I'm not pissed off all the time...but when I reallly think about it, i get mad, instead of sad ...though i do feel sad too, but i let the anger take over...i don't want to feel the pain of his passing...i refuse. I know its not healthy...and I know I will cry my eyes out about it and allow myself to feel the pain...one day. just not today.
funny that you mention a gratitude list though...last night i had a nightmare about using crack...and man am i ever grateful that it was just a dream! so today...i have a heep of gratitude :)
Sara...after I posted this yesterday, i turned on my 'mellow' music (enya, native american sounds, etc.) and chilled out. I was much better and less itchy :) Today I'm jamming out with my TSO! and I'm only 8 days away from my vacation that I've been planning for over a year!
THAT in itself is something to be grateful for! I have executed the plan ... I decided more than a year ago that I would take my honeyman to Walt Disney World for his 50th...he's never been there and has always wanted to go...I've also never been there. I cannot wait...its going to be so much fun. And I don't have to worry about where to go so I can smoke...or if I'm going to have enough pills to get me through...its awesome being clean and FREE!!!!
Freebird...you are so right about holding on to anger...and I am...about my cat who passed in July. I'm still angry that it happened...I'm not pissed off all the time...but when I reallly think about it, i get mad, instead of sad ...though i do feel sad too, but i let the anger take over...i don't want to feel the pain of his passing...i refuse. I know its not healthy...and I know I will cry my eyes out about it and allow myself to feel the pain...one day. just not today.
funny that you mention a gratitude list though...last night i had a nightmare about using crack...and man am i ever grateful that it was just a dream! so today...i have a heep of gratitude :)
Sara...after I posted this yesterday, i turned on my 'mellow' music (enya, native american sounds, etc.) and chilled out. I was much better and less itchy :) Today I'm jamming out with my TSO! and I'm only 8 days away from my vacation that I've been planning for over a year!
THAT in itself is something to be grateful for! I have executed the plan ... I decided more than a year ago that I would take my honeyman to Walt Disney World for his 50th...he's never been there and has always wanted to go...I've also never been there. I cannot wait...its going to be so much fun. And I don't have to worry about where to go so I can smoke...or if I'm going to have enough pills to get me through...its awesome being clean and FREE!!!!
Agree..venting is good for the soul! sometimes it doesnt even matter if anyone reads/hears it..just typing/talking it out can release some steam!
Rainy and nasty here today//tough day stress wise working as well...There was a song by the Carpenters..."Rainy days and Mondays Always get me Down"...been thinkin bout that song all day..I am a sunshine girl..my nrg comes from sunshine...must have SAD..Eagle and I discussed this and we both think we have it...gloomy gray days without sun will send me sinkin quicker than any trigger...my nrg is so low when I go days without Mr sun!
I have always enjoyed that time btw putting in ur resignation and relaxing while u work out ur time...if it is a job i do not like.....if it were a job i love, i am filled with mixed emotions bout quitting..I tend to be very cautious...and just made a big decision to move for a man after an engagement//july 09 as a matter of fact and glad I did not wake up in Panama after the crud hit the fan..only way I would go is if we married..I will have to admit that I do not trust relationships to last and is sumpin I may need to work on...or perhaps not...staying whre i feel safe and loved by many isnt worth the gamble to go with one person who can change his mind at any given moment//sounds like I am extremely negative on men//cos perhaps I am..willing to perhaps let one in//but never changing my life for one again....never!
Perhaps I need to be more open...dunno...I am a gambler by nature...but never will gamble again on a man/not if I have to give up any part of my life that I do not wish to part with!
So now I am venting! LOL..venting is a good thing tho for me...it keeps me in check!
Laura
Rainy and nasty here today//tough day stress wise working as well...There was a song by the Carpenters..."Rainy days and Mondays Always get me Down"...been thinkin bout that song all day..I am a sunshine girl..my nrg comes from sunshine...must have SAD..Eagle and I discussed this and we both think we have it...gloomy gray days without sun will send me sinkin quicker than any trigger...my nrg is so low when I go days without Mr sun!
I have always enjoyed that time btw putting in ur resignation and relaxing while u work out ur time...if it is a job i do not like.....if it were a job i love, i am filled with mixed emotions bout quitting..I tend to be very cautious...and just made a big decision to move for a man after an engagement//july 09 as a matter of fact and glad I did not wake up in Panama after the crud hit the fan..only way I would go is if we married..I will have to admit that I do not trust relationships to last and is sumpin I may need to work on...or perhaps not...staying whre i feel safe and loved by many isnt worth the gamble to go with one person who can change his mind at any given moment//sounds like I am extremely negative on men//cos perhaps I am..willing to perhaps let one in//but never changing my life for one again....never!
Perhaps I need to be more open...dunno...I am a gambler by nature...but never will gamble again on a man/not if I have to give up any part of my life that I do not wish to part with!
So now I am venting! LOL..venting is a good thing tho for me...it keeps me in check!
Laura
Our deamons are a little less threating when we tell on ourselves,Good for you, you are doing what many others have done before you and stayed clean.Now you are getting to build some recovery non- relaspe experience that you will be able to draw off of the next time you feel this aggiated.
A gratitude list might come in handy at this time in your life..............after you are done being pissed off.Remember ANGER is not a luxery we can afford to hang out with toooo long.
Check the PAWS ........and yes ANGER is an emotion....Energy in motion...........
A gratitude list might come in handy at this time in your life..............after you are done being pissed off.Remember ANGER is not a luxery we can afford to hang out with toooo long.
Check the PAWS ........and yes ANGER is an emotion....Energy in motion...........
Well it does seem that your day suks the big one!! Take some deep breaths, turn on some music. The cravings for a pill will pass. Slow your brain down a bit. You are on overwhelm right now and that is why you are craving a pill. sara
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