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Avatar universal

violent 3-year old

i have a 3-year old son and my wife and i are desperate to find answers(and solutions) to his violent behaviour.
being first time parents, we've been very very happy by being blessed with a healthy kid until recently when he showed
signs of violence.

he hits us when he doesn't get what he wants. and not just random body slaps or punches but accurate calculated hits on the head.

he is hyper-active. when he wakes up, he owns your world because he cannot stop running around the house. if you ask him to sit down on a chair, he does it but stands up after 2 seconds and runs around again.

when we go out to the mall or at a party, he cannot be stationed in one place. he HAS to roam around. i can understand that since probably he is very adventurous as a kid and all that. but the thing is, he does not fear anything. not even getting lost. he does not look back to see if we ARE still there.

one time, to teach him a lesson, i slapped his hand and told him not to hit people like that. he just laughed. he is impervious to pain. he stepped on a coral while we were at a beach once and we didn't find out until he was sleeping that he had a gash on his sole and it was bleeding.

his pediatrician recommended a neuro behaviour doctor something and my wife and i discussed it and we are still trying to exercise our parental jobs.
should we go to the neuro doctor?

thanks for reading.



This discussion is related to 3 year old son violent/aggressive.
6 Responses
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Avatar universal
once again thanks for taking time to read.

his previous nanny is very loving to him. i cannot think of any incident(that i saw) or any marks of abuse while my wife and i were at work.

it is our 5th week together 24/7.

last night, my wife was brushing her teeth while esquisse and i were watching some TV. he was sitting in front of me and suddenly, he bit my thigh and he faced me and gave me a straight slap on my face. there wasn't any reason or "provocation".his mom got angry and she talked to him explaining that what he did was wrong. he cried while he was being scolded as i turned away and went out of the house.

it is getting frustrating to know that he doesn't know that what he is doing is wrong despite our efforts to explain.

we played some ball catching over the weekend and we enjoyed it very much! there's this ball with spiderman on it and i throw it to him and he would attempt to catch it.
he was very successful in the end catching the little ball with his outstretched arms.
he was smiling and laughing all throughout our game.

the next morning, he was asking where the ball is so we can play catch again. i think we have found some physical acticity for him which doesn't require us going to any parks or playground which is ideal coz the rainy season has just arrived.

yes, he loves music. as soon as he hears a dance song, he would dance to the beat.

i composed a lullaby for him when he was a baby. i was the only one who can make him sleep when he was just months old. he sings that song to me now which makes me a very very proud dad.

i have surfed sensory stuff over the weekend and most of the checklist hit right on the mark.

he does seem to get irritated most of the times with electric drill sounds, engines revving up, etc. he doesn't llike the spatter of rain on the roof as well.
he loves to play with dirt though hahaha
i take him out to the driveway everyday jsut to get him " dirty " just before his usual bath time.
his venture into the unknown is amazing! he always tinkers with our electric fan and the only solution that i see fit in avoiding an accident is the installation of wall or ceiling units.
he inserted the cable of a headset to the rotating blades one night and he got excited with the terrible sound it made. but after that he didn't attempt another try talking to himself that it is bad to do it(because we told him not to).

will tell you more about our experiences as we progress.

thanks again.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi.  You seem to have a happy boy most of the time and that is good.  I love the idea of him singing and dancing around.  

With regards to learning letters and such, most kids that are this age do best when learning is a game.  Everything should be fun and light hearted with learning items included.  Bounce a ball and count out how many times, for example.  I also think it is so important to read to a child at least 15 minutes every day.  And building a love of learning is done through spending time together and going places such as Museums, zoos, etc.  Experience of new things builds the craving to want more in my opinion.

This is not a judgemental statement in any way but I think your child would benefit from more time with you and mom.  Mom's work hours are very very long.  I would imagine this might build a scenario of attention seeking on your son's part.  

Hitting must be a no no.  I'd make sure that you are talking about his emotions and showing him appropriate ways of expressing them.  I actually role played and acted out being frustrated.  I didn't tell my son I was doing it but just did it.  I was rather exagerated about it and he was quite amused.  But it is a way to model the behavior when a child is upset, angry or frustrated that you'd like them to have.  Also, giving them the words to use when mad is so helpful.  Then  you can say----------  "use your words" when you see him getting mad and he'll have some to go to.  

Good luck
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
I would check out if there is anyone who hits him maybe the Nanny or other persone he is with , ..ask him it could be he has learned this extreme behavior... and yes the ting is do not feed into the behavior ,use the time out method when he is acting out...good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i should have done this ages ago. it is very comforting to read what you have posted specialmom.

let me state a short background of me and my wife. i am an architect and an instructor by profession and most of the week is spent doing what i do. my wife works 5 days a week and is out from 6:45 AM til 7:30 PM.

my son, cien esquisse(a hundred drawings in translation), has a nanny since he was born.
his nanny doesn't talk too much since she comes from a different province hence speaking a different dialect but understands a speak the national language here. she's however, an indispensible help and we cannot do anything without her. until the day she left a month ago and decided she won't come back.
we were left with a huge crisis since it june is coming and classes at the university will start really soon. unless we get a helper, i would've have to stay home and be a houseband.
the week after cien's nany left, i had the most incredible week of my life as a dad.
when i was busy with my job, i used to play with him when i get home after work and that is at 8 PM every night. during weekends my wife plays with him.
we took him in a kiddie school and he seems to enjoy it and that is 3 times a week. until last january he had "primary complex" and was to take 3 types of medicine for 6 months.
i found out during the first week of nanny-free cien, that he is quite difficult to handle.
his speech was a bit delayed for his age. although he can "talk". he knows his alphabets alright except for W which he prounounces(with a smile on his face) DAYABU. i experimented on his alphabet reading skills one day when i noticed that he only knows a certain letter because of the accompanying object next to it.

so i covered the object with my hand showing only the letter and in about 30 minutes he got all of them. then i pointed on a letter randomly thinking if he really knows how to "read" them, he would know what they look like. he did.
before the nanny left, he cannot construct any clear sentences but now he can carry a conversation with him sometimes starting it.

we go to play areas of malls here and he really loves the slide. the only fear that i have is when he pushes kids. he does that with amusement and frustration on my part.

he is very much interested with doing lots of things yes. he draws a lot, jumps up and down a lot(although that bit has been significantly reduced) he sings and dances a lot.

at the moment he has a used telephone he considers "toy" of the month. he talks to it just any other kid would do pretending to talk to someone. i love listening to him doing that.

by the way, regarding his "boxing" skills, he slapped me yesterday and i walked off and he seemed to calm down after that. do you think it will eventually be one of the solution? because we didn't have a "fight" yesterday.

thanks for the information on the sensroy thing i will surf the web.

i really appreciate all the comments.

Helpful - 0
1326910 tn?1316305580
well u can start their than maybe he needs someone 2 talk 2 find out y he is acting out
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi.  There was a post similar to this earlier today and I don't know if this is the same child.  If so, please read my earlier post.

Some of what you describe is normal and some is questionable but we must remember that we are talking about a young child.  Roaming, on the go and inability to stop himself are all very 3 year old like behavior.  Many kids have the gear on high and no stop button.  Nope, they don't look back for you because they are not thinking "what could happen" but instead are just doing their thing.  They live in the moment.  Impulse control is big for all three year olds.  Really, it can be a problem for many kids until they turn 6 (developmentally speaking).  He may be just a super active kid that needs LOTS of outlets for that energy.

He also-----------  like most 3 year olds ------ does not handle frustration or anger well.  How is his speech?  If he has any difficulties, this makes things even more frustrating.  

Now your concern and pediatricians concern is that more is going on than the normal "kid" stuff.  Well, there always is that chance.  My son has sensory integration disorder which affects the nervous system and processing.  It ranges from mild to severe depending on the child and it can affect a wide range of things regarding that child's ability and behavior.  

My son is a "sensory seeker" and is an on the go child as well.  His brain is constantly craving input into his nervous system.  So . . . we work hard to provide that same kind of input in an appropriate way.  We go to parks and spend a few hours every day letting him climb, jump, swing (very soothing to the nervous system), roll, spin, 'crash', and run like a mad man.  We take him to climbing walls, trampolines, swimming (perfect exercise for a sensory kid), and bike riding.  We go hiking, hill climbing, he'll even go for a jog with dad at 6.  He hangs from monkey bars, plays active games at home, does wall push ups, etc.  This is all so good for the nervous system and keeps him functioning well.  If he has enough of this outside of school hours, he is fine during school hours.  There is a lasting effect.

Not feeling pain can be sensory in that the signal of pain is not making it to the brain.  Hitting your or slapping things or playing intensely with toys are also this same thing.  

An occupational therapist evaluates for sensory integration disorder and then does therapy for it.  Lots of behavior therapy is incorporated.  My boy was coping terrible at 3 and 4 but now at 6, he is doing really really well.  So, please google sensory integration disorder and see what you think.  I have lots of ideas  on how to help with that and am happy to share.

So----- get him out there doing LOTS of physical activity.  Every single day.  And for a good chunk of every single day.  Go to the library or the book store and get books on emotions so you can give him "kid" language that he can use.  Sometimes you have to give little ones the words to express how they are feeling.  If he can get his point across before he punches, you may not go there.  There is another series of books that I love.  one is entitled "Hands are not for Hitting" and it really drives home this message.  If time outs don't work, then think of what matters to him.  I've used my son's special blankie as a barter item.  I took it away for a brief time.  He hates that---------  it matters to him.  That is my bargaining chip.  I always follow through.  Also natural consequences are good.  If he throws a toy, he loses the toy.  Last, try to give him choices.  You control what they are but if he chooses, he'll feel more in control and is more apt to comply.  
Google sensory and let me know what you think.  good luck
Helpful - 0
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