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Behavior Problem: Girl who does well in school, not at home
My daughter is unlike other children, though you'd never know it by looking at her. Our bright and beautiful daughter has a personality at school (model student, perfect report card, and sweet disposition), that does not match her personality at home: (tantrums and tirades that include kicking, screaming, biting, pinching and destroying her room). Mind you, these are not an average child's tirades. Any given situation can last 3 to 7 hours. (She once cried for 7 hours because I threw away a piece of paper she scribbled on and crossed off.) The anger subsides, then raises again or is a continual stream. She writes notes and tells us that wants to kill herself. In her tirades she screams that she wants to hit herself and others with a blunt instrument, (she's used the word "crowbar" in a letter). She knows her behavior is bad and cries that she is "a bad kid." We always try to correct her and say that she is a GOOD KID, but that HER BEHAVIOR IS BAD.
I'm looking for answers about "S". Perhaps you recognize some of these symptoms in your own child:
1.) as an infant, we had to keep the stroller moving at all times or she'd cry.
2.) as a toddler we had episodes of pure rage in the car where she would scream "sun in eyes" (we finally purchased shades for the passenger door windows).
3.) clothes have never been comfortable (every label or seam must be cut and she won't wear certain items at all).
4.) she eats only bland foods, no veggies, and limited meats (she eats bananas, apples, breads, cheeses, pasta, burgers, chicken, and anything sweet)
5.) as a preschooler she would unbuckle herself from the car seat and bash her body about in anger if anything went wrong
6.) at six she pulled off her pants deficated on the floor out of pure rage
7.) if she can't assemble something, she will scream with a manic rage and spew the pieces about
8.) if things aren't quiet enough for her, she can't concentrate and a rage ensues, instead of trying to solve a frustrating problem, she will choose to scream her way out
9.) she's sloppy, and very clumsy -- she spills things, falls down, wacks things over more than the average child
10) she wants to control every aspect of her sister, she screams and backtalks, she refused to say she's sorry.
All this UGLY BEHAVIOR and yet she is very "huggy" at school, sweet, kind and respectful. Why is she so disprespectful to us with her atrocious behavior?
This discussion is related to 7-year old daughter has major rages/tantrums.
I'm looking for answers about "S". Perhaps you recognize some of these symptoms in your own child:
1.) as an infant, we had to keep the stroller moving at all times or she'd cry.
2.) as a toddler we had episodes of pure rage in the car where she would scream "sun in eyes" (we finally purchased shades for the passenger door windows).
3.) clothes have never been comfortable (every label or seam must be cut and she won't wear certain items at all).
4.) she eats only bland foods, no veggies, and limited meats (she eats bananas, apples, breads, cheeses, pasta, burgers, chicken, and anything sweet)
5.) as a preschooler she would unbuckle herself from the car seat and bash her body about in anger if anything went wrong
6.) at six she pulled off her pants deficated on the floor out of pure rage
7.) if she can't assemble something, she will scream with a manic rage and spew the pieces about
8.) if things aren't quiet enough for her, she can't concentrate and a rage ensues, instead of trying to solve a frustrating problem, she will choose to scream her way out
9.) she's sloppy, and very clumsy -- she spills things, falls down, wacks things over more than the average child
10) she wants to control every aspect of her sister, she screams and backtalks, she refused to say she's sorry.
All this UGLY BEHAVIOR and yet she is very "huggy" at school, sweet, kind and respectful. Why is she so disprespectful to us with her atrocious behavior?
This discussion is related to 7-year old daughter has major rages/tantrums.
So much of this sounds like a scene from our house. The past few weeks have been exhausting for me because my 7 year old daughter has been tough to handle. She was a very fussy baby and had some birth defects that did require attention, (clubbed feet, closed hands). As a toddler she hated the car and would cry the entire time. Bedtime has always been a horrible issue and she would rarely nap. She seems to outlast anyone as far as energy. In school she is a perfect angel and never has any problems or behavior issues. At home it is another story. She screams and cries if she does not get her way, she throws things and yells, kicks and is very disruptive. I have honestly tried spanking, time out, and taking privileges away; nothing has worked. If my husband is home and in the house she behaves, if he is at work or not visible to her she is out of control. It obviously has something to do with me and her sisters, but I am at a loss what else to try. I dread the days when my husband is not home because if something doesn't go her way I have not found a way to get through to her. I have tried to be more strict and it still has not seemed to get through. I have honestly sat in tears trying to figure out what to do. I know she can be a sweet lovable child and want to see this more often. I have studied psychology and still can't seem to figure out what I am doing wrong........something is definitely wrong with this picture. You're not alone, I hope to learn something from someone here.
Unfortunately, I don't have any help to add here. But I must say I've learned a little something. These problems are problems I had as a kid - and I have 2 kids who seem to exhibit at least a few of the symptoms (though one is still a baby). The one thing that struck me the most is that, aside from the clumsiness and the "potty problem", this is identical to me!! Even the excellent behavior in school. I was never checked for sensory issues (though I have been labelled a "supertaster"). I do, however, have a diagnosis of schizoaffective bipolar type - not trying to say these are related!
specialmom - Do you know is these symptoms subside as one ages? I'm really curious about this as two of my kids show signs and I know how awful it felt to deal with those things. My mom had tricks to make me feel better and I'm wondering if I should include these tactics for my kids.
specialmom - Do you know is these symptoms subside as one ages? I'm really curious about this as two of my kids show signs and I know how awful it felt to deal with those things. My mom had tricks to make me feel better and I'm wondering if I should include these tactics for my kids.
Hm. This is a lot of information and a lot for me to think about. I'm curious how old your daughter is and what grade she is in.
Several things sound like something called sensory integration disorder which is an issue with the nervous system. Her early years have some of the hallmark signs of sensory issues. I should know . . . I'm raising a sensory boy that had some of the same issues. Basically sensory is how the brain processes things and responds to the enviroment. If there is anything faulty in the wiring, things can go wrong.
But something that really throws me off is that she does well in school. It is typically the other way around for a sensory kid. They are more comfortable in their home enviroment because they feel more in control. They usually have greater issues at school. So that makes me wonder what is really going on. She could be a child that really responds to a scheduled enviroment and the home is less routine. OR she could be holding herself together at school and then falling apart at home. Kids tend to get very tired if they have a sensory problem and this exhaustion will lend itself to the worst behavior with the one's we love (aren't we lucky?). The only other thing I can think of is that something is going on at home. So I have some questions about that. Have there been any upsets at home? Is there anyone in the house that has trouble controlling themselves and easily angers that she sees? Is the sibling been an issue in terms of trying to get attention?
I'm going to tell you some things that relate to sensory ------- children with sensory integration disorder have a very difficult time self soothing. They have issues with something called regulation/modulation. They can throw monumental tantrums seemingly over nothing and they can last for a really long time. My son at 4 would melt down every time he had to wash his hands. At preschool, all of the kids have to and he would lose it every time. And if his shirt got wet . . . Lord have mercy! It would be an enormous meltdown. He was one of those babies that I had to walk around to soothe when he was a baby. My husband and I would take turns and walk for hours with him. He was our first born and much waited for bundle of joy, so we did it willingly. In retrospect, I found out you don't have to soothe all babies for hours to get them to rest. He was a gagger as a baby and when he started "real" food-------- there were several instances in which he began choking. One cherio resulted in this. Since then, he continues to be a picky eater. Meat is very difficult and vegis are almost nonexistent. He has trouble chewing due to "motor planning issues". This is also part of sensory and results in a child being clumsy, tripping a lot, being slow to grasp a new fine motor activity, etc. He has an aversion to certain textures as well and this comes into play with food. The clothing issues you describe are text book sensory. We've worked around it and I know what is comfortable for him and only buy that. But that is something called "tactile defensiveness". As we sought an occupational therapy evaluation for our boy at 4, we've worked on this. (by the way, the texture issue with foods is also tactile defensiveness.) They do something in occupational therapy called brushing and joint compressions. I thought "what the heck, how would that work?" the first time they did it on my son. But ya know what, it worked for a lot of the skin issues. The problems with hand washing virtually went away and he now only complains about that when he is sick or tired (when all sensory issues are worse.).
You describe a child that must be in control at home and is inflexible. That is a sensory coping mechanism. And as these kids also lack impulse control and the ability to self soothe and self talk down from lashing out . . . they will scream out if something goes wrong. We still have this problem and are trying to fix it. My boy takes everything to the 9th degree with his reaction to it. He wants his brother to do it exactly his way. Problem is that he will try to be this way with friends as well and this doesn't go over very well.
We work on tantrums with a stress thermometer. You can make one and the two of you can complete it together. Have her clor the bottom green. This is just right when she feels fine. The next section, color yellow. This is when she is getting agitated and a little upset. The "storm" is coming. The next section is orange and this is when she is upset, mad, crying and you have no doubt that things are about to get bad. Then the next section is red and this is the full out rage, tantrum, etc. You talk to her about what it feels like at each portion of the thermometer. Use her language so that she can identify herself how she is feeling. Then come up with some strategies to calm back down and stay at the green point where things are okay. She can --------- go to a cool down spot (you don't bug her there, she can stay as long as she likes)------- this is usually an enclosed space. A pop up tent works but we just use a corner behind a chair with pillows in it. She can open and close her fists really hard. She can count to 10, she can square breath (breath in for 4, hold 4, breath out for 4, hold 4), and a really good one is to use her words. Get her to express what is going on. A thick piece of bubble gum is calming as well. Hitting a pillow is calming. Swinging is calming.
Talk to her a lot about this and help her along. When she starts to get upset say "you seem like you are getting yellow. What can we do to make you feel better?" Eventually you want her to be able to identify where she is at and do the things herself.
I use reward and positive reinforcement a lot. Beans in a jar when she does a good deed and when she gets to a certain number, she gets to pick an activity of her choosing. Make her a helper when possible to make her feel good and praise her like crazy.
I use natural consequences with my sensory kid. It is important to remain really calm with them. So I calmly let him direct what happens. Throw a toy, lose that toy. Yell, I will not talk to you until you stop yellling. I just say "I can't understand you and won't talk to you until you calm down."
But as I said--------- I'm a little thrown off by the fact that she only has issues at school. I have lots of sensory suggestions if you would like some. I wish you a lot of luck.
Oh, and if you are interested, an occupational therapist evaluates for sensory and treats it. They do a lot for the nervous system as well as work on behavior issues. Good luck
Several things sound like something called sensory integration disorder which is an issue with the nervous system. Her early years have some of the hallmark signs of sensory issues. I should know . . . I'm raising a sensory boy that had some of the same issues. Basically sensory is how the brain processes things and responds to the enviroment. If there is anything faulty in the wiring, things can go wrong.
But something that really throws me off is that she does well in school. It is typically the other way around for a sensory kid. They are more comfortable in their home enviroment because they feel more in control. They usually have greater issues at school. So that makes me wonder what is really going on. She could be a child that really responds to a scheduled enviroment and the home is less routine. OR she could be holding herself together at school and then falling apart at home. Kids tend to get very tired if they have a sensory problem and this exhaustion will lend itself to the worst behavior with the one's we love (aren't we lucky?). The only other thing I can think of is that something is going on at home. So I have some questions about that. Have there been any upsets at home? Is there anyone in the house that has trouble controlling themselves and easily angers that she sees? Is the sibling been an issue in terms of trying to get attention?
I'm going to tell you some things that relate to sensory ------- children with sensory integration disorder have a very difficult time self soothing. They have issues with something called regulation/modulation. They can throw monumental tantrums seemingly over nothing and they can last for a really long time. My son at 4 would melt down every time he had to wash his hands. At preschool, all of the kids have to and he would lose it every time. And if his shirt got wet . . . Lord have mercy! It would be an enormous meltdown. He was one of those babies that I had to walk around to soothe when he was a baby. My husband and I would take turns and walk for hours with him. He was our first born and much waited for bundle of joy, so we did it willingly. In retrospect, I found out you don't have to soothe all babies for hours to get them to rest. He was a gagger as a baby and when he started "real" food-------- there were several instances in which he began choking. One cherio resulted in this. Since then, he continues to be a picky eater. Meat is very difficult and vegis are almost nonexistent. He has trouble chewing due to "motor planning issues". This is also part of sensory and results in a child being clumsy, tripping a lot, being slow to grasp a new fine motor activity, etc. He has an aversion to certain textures as well and this comes into play with food. The clothing issues you describe are text book sensory. We've worked around it and I know what is comfortable for him and only buy that. But that is something called "tactile defensiveness". As we sought an occupational therapy evaluation for our boy at 4, we've worked on this. (by the way, the texture issue with foods is also tactile defensiveness.) They do something in occupational therapy called brushing and joint compressions. I thought "what the heck, how would that work?" the first time they did it on my son. But ya know what, it worked for a lot of the skin issues. The problems with hand washing virtually went away and he now only complains about that when he is sick or tired (when all sensory issues are worse.).
You describe a child that must be in control at home and is inflexible. That is a sensory coping mechanism. And as these kids also lack impulse control and the ability to self soothe and self talk down from lashing out . . . they will scream out if something goes wrong. We still have this problem and are trying to fix it. My boy takes everything to the 9th degree with his reaction to it. He wants his brother to do it exactly his way. Problem is that he will try to be this way with friends as well and this doesn't go over very well.
We work on tantrums with a stress thermometer. You can make one and the two of you can complete it together. Have her clor the bottom green. This is just right when she feels fine. The next section, color yellow. This is when she is getting agitated and a little upset. The "storm" is coming. The next section is orange and this is when she is upset, mad, crying and you have no doubt that things are about to get bad. Then the next section is red and this is the full out rage, tantrum, etc. You talk to her about what it feels like at each portion of the thermometer. Use her language so that she can identify herself how she is feeling. Then come up with some strategies to calm back down and stay at the green point where things are okay. She can --------- go to a cool down spot (you don't bug her there, she can stay as long as she likes)------- this is usually an enclosed space. A pop up tent works but we just use a corner behind a chair with pillows in it. She can open and close her fists really hard. She can count to 10, she can square breath (breath in for 4, hold 4, breath out for 4, hold 4), and a really good one is to use her words. Get her to express what is going on. A thick piece of bubble gum is calming as well. Hitting a pillow is calming. Swinging is calming.
Talk to her a lot about this and help her along. When she starts to get upset say "you seem like you are getting yellow. What can we do to make you feel better?" Eventually you want her to be able to identify where she is at and do the things herself.
I use reward and positive reinforcement a lot. Beans in a jar when she does a good deed and when she gets to a certain number, she gets to pick an activity of her choosing. Make her a helper when possible to make her feel good and praise her like crazy.
I use natural consequences with my sensory kid. It is important to remain really calm with them. So I calmly let him direct what happens. Throw a toy, lose that toy. Yell, I will not talk to you until you stop yellling. I just say "I can't understand you and won't talk to you until you calm down."
But as I said--------- I'm a little thrown off by the fact that she only has issues at school. I have lots of sensory suggestions if you would like some. I wish you a lot of luck.
Oh, and if you are interested, an occupational therapist evaluates for sensory and treats it. They do a lot for the nervous system as well as work on behavior issues. Good luck
If she doesn't answer this post, please do a people search at the top of the page for specialmom, and click on her page, and look at some of her posts.
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