Cocaine use and correlation to pornography

[pinkmelove]

I have been dating a 32 year old man, for almost 11 months. For the first three months things were great, we had a great time and our sexual life was normal. Around the fifth month he began to disappear one or two days a week and the amount of times we would have sex declined dramatically. I asked him if he didn’t feel attracted to me that I would understand, and I asked him if he was seeing someone else, which he responded, I was being ridiculous, he found me beautiful and he loved me very much. I begun to feel very suspicious, He would always say that he needed to rest since his job requires a lot of his energy and that was the same answer he would give me if I asked him why he didn’t want to have sex anymore. One day he asked me if I would like to try cocaine with him, and I said OK. I figured, maybe I need to be more adventurous. I had never done any drugs in my life, I had never been interested. We did a line of cocaine and I was ok very excited, expecting sex after weeks of not having any. He pulled a set of sex toys and he said I want to try new things, he put a porn movie on and he started masturbating himself anally.
I was open minded and I went along thinking that it was ok, and this was a new thing, I didn’t get much attention that night and I went to sleep. The next day he threw the toys away and said that was the last time.
He continued on disappearing every once in a while, which would give me so much anxiety because I didn’t know if he was seeing someone else. After Christmas he told me the truth and said that those days he had gone missing, he had gone to buy cocaine and he would masturbate, He said than being high would make him really excited but he couldn’t have an erection. That was his reason to using anal toys. I asked him to please stop using drugs and perhaps our sex life would improve. He still continues to use cocaine and look at internet porn while he masturbates anally. Our sex life has not improved. Is there any hope or should I just leave?
Other than this he has great values, or perhaps I am just being naïve.
I would appreciate your opinions.

[snowbalchick]

My boyfriend does this too and it hurts SO much.  He refuses to stop and I'm afraid this will end our time together.
He knows how much it hurts me. I only see him for small bits of time.
I'm right there, wanting to have a mutually good time.
He does coke and watches gross porn while I wait patiently.  He knows it always ends in me being hurt but he does it anyways.
He says sorry.
But it just happens again.
He can't commit to stopping.
To me that's choosing to continue hurting me.
He truly believes the future will magically be different.
I told him we don't have a future if this is it.  If it can't be different now, it certainly won't be in the future.
If he can't take control now, how the hell will he be able to in the future ???

[REINA1976]

MY HUSBAND DOES JUST ABOUT THE SAME THING. ONCE A WEEK HE WATCHES PORN FROM 5PM TO 9-10 AM(ON THE COMPUTER AND TV) WHILE DOING COKE, MASTURBATING. IT IS REALLY CONFUSING TO ME BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK TO GET HIM TO STOP. IT ALL STARTED THE SAME WAY WHEN WE WERE DATING. I THOUGHT HE WAS CHEATING BUT TRUTH IS HE WAS AT HOME WATCHING PORN, DOING COKE AND PLAYING WITH HIMSELF. CANT SAY WHETHER THIS IS NORMAL BC EVERYONE HAS THERE OWN OPINION. IT DEF HAS PUT A STRAIN ON OUR MARRIAGE. THERE ARE MANY DAYS I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP BUT, I ALWAYS FIND MYSELF TRYING TO GET HIM TO STOP. I TELL MYSELF ITS NORMAL BUT IN REALITY I DONT THINK IT IS.

SO,,, YOUR NOT ALONE! JUST REMEMBER THAT! HES NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS THESE ISSUES.

[frenchmoxie]

I am so sorry. I am dealing with the same situation with my "BOYfriend". It all started to get worse once I got WiFi internet at his place where we both live. I already knew that his coke usage went right along with the porn and masturbating for 4-5 hours every night until 9 or 10am. He'd go lock himself into the bathroom, saying he was going to smoke a cig.. right... for an hour? With the door locked?

So, I started turning the WiFi off at night since he has no data plan on his phone because all his money from his jobs is spent on coke, he never has enough money to pay his cell phone bill.

I've told him on more than one occasion that his actions and behavior are hurting me so much. When it first started I would sit out in the bedroom, which is right next to the bathroom (studio apt), just crying. He always says he is sorry but I never believe it. I'm not dumb.

Anyways, you're not alone. I don't know what to do but I know that he puts coke and porn before me, and I don't even consider myself in a relationship anymore.

[AndrOx13]

Hi there, i had the same problem as your boyfriend for several years, minus the anal part, and it's extremely hard to kick the habit, and when i say extremely it's because it really is, there will be a point when he gonna need help cause the addiction caught him, coke and porn can destroy someones life very quick. Now a days i don`t do this type of stuff, i quit coke for about 3 years and porn i just watch couple times per week, but i drink a lot of coffee in turn, its kinda my substitute. But please, don`;t use coke again, it`;s not worth it, and about him, well, yo`;re gonna have think if its worth to stick with him and help, or move on, there not many solutions for this.

[snowbalchick]

My boyfriend does this too.
He knows how much it hurts me. I only see him for small bits of time.
I'm right there, wanting to have a mutually good time.
He does coke and watches gross porn while I wait patiently.
He says sorry.
But just happens again.
He can't commit to stopping.
To me that's choosing to continue hurting me.
He truly believes the future will magically be different.
If he can't take control now, how the hell will he be able to in the future ???

[BASE1232]

Have you addressed YOUR feelings of inadequacy that make it bother you?

[moznoz]

I also could have written this post verbatim. After almost a year without sex, I went elsewhere to get it. I should have just been honest and advocated for myself from the beginning. Now I am of course the narcissistic girlfriend who his family is so terribly disappointed in. I wonder what they would think if they knew that their son/brother has a locked safe in his bedroom with who knows how much cocaine in it and a travel bag filled with hundreds of porn DVD's? Is it acceptable that on so many occasions he stayed out until the wee hours of the morning to then come home and go into his man cave for porn and coke instead of getting into bed with me? But I am the one who "threw away the relationship"? And I actually find myself begging for forgiveness for my actions, for my cheating, for my deception.

[killerzoey]

I could have written what you wrote verbatim, except I never joined my ex in doing coke. He did exactly the same thing, though. He'd hole up in the bedroom while I went to work. He'd do coke, watch porn, and play with dildos. I didn't know about any of it at first, but when he lost it and started crawling around in the attic looking for cameras, and then took my computer apart looking for something that would prove I was filming him in his sexual exploits...well, eventually it came out. Then came the part where I escaped to my Dad's house 150 miles away, followed by this lovely ex claiming to be on his way with a gun, followed by a restraining order...

Run!

[Jordan_J]

Sorry but some of the comments about he could be gay because he likes using anal toys is ridiculous to me and moving away from the actual problem which he is addicted to Coke and maybe has to use it to get sexual pleasure.

If you’re able to, sit down with him and talk about it. You need to show you’re on his side so he can open up to you about it. If he gets all defensive and pushes you away then you need to really assess your situation and what you are prepared to do about it. It may be time for you to move on.

[Jordan_J]

Just because a man likes to be anally stimulated doesn't mean he's gay :P It's called "Milking the Prostate" <--google if you want to know more but it's basically the male G Spot and produces intense orgasms.

[JordonNYC]

Oh, sorry, I re-read your post. See that you have been in the relationship for 11 months. No matter, whether 5 months or 11 my response would be the same.

[JordonNYC]

GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP, NOW! One thing that no one has mentioned, but his actions indicate he may be gay, or bi-sexual. My concern, HIV.

His lifestyle and drug use indicate to me that he is also careless and reckless in his sexual conduct. That would include not taking precautions when having gay sex.

Note: I would NOT waste time on this relationship. If you have strong feelings for him, that's one thing. But otherwise, five months into a relationship, that's not a huge investment, so move on. (My opinion is that he does not sound like that great a catch. The two behaviors you indicate are NOT normal, and when you add into the mix that your sex life has vanished, you have to ask, why are you still there?)

Note: I would not waste the time asking him if he has had an HIV test. He would probably take offense anyway, at the insinuation. Besides, he seems the type that would lie to you, "Oh baby, of course I get tested. I'm more negative than our bank account."

[kinkyaddict]

I have been fighting my addiction for 40 years.  I tried to quit many times for my dad, my daughter, my wife, etc.  My life is a mirrow of the men you write about.  30 years ago I gave my life to God and stayed clean of coke and porn for 3 years.  I got lost again because  of tragedy.  For me the coke and the porn went together like icing on cake.  One year ago I decided to quit for me.  I've gone from $50 a day to $20 per week with the help of God.  I can't count the times I should have died.  My wife has stuck by me because she loves me and still sees the good in my heart.  I regrete the day I smoked my 1st joint.  I had so much potential.  With my family's encouragement and Gods hand I am closer to living drug and porn free than ever.  My life has been a mirrow image of the men you're discussing.  I have been bisexual sinse the age of 9 but didn't know what it was called.  It started out as experimenting with friends.  Coke didn't make me bi, it just took away ALL my common sense, morality and hurt my family.  I've gone from $50 per day one year ago to $20 per week now but I'm not clean yet. Please pray for me and the millions of others around the world to be free of drugs and porn.  If you luv ur bf and u feel he really wants to quit, support him but be careful not to let him drag u down.  If you've never been an addict you can not understand the battle going on in our heart and soul.  Good luck and God bless you all.

[coconuts27]

Yeah, I wonder if hes homosexual too. Ive done coke, and a few of my bf's, but theyve never done anything like that. They mite have problems getting it up, or keeping it up, but I dont know any straight men who masturbate anally.

If I were you, I wouldnt play around too much with coke. Thats a hard drug, and very addictive. You might think youre just trying it, but cravings can sneak up on you. And if you get in the habit of experimenting, eventually you will find something you like and start using.

[phillip28]

This is in NO WAY normal at all....he is borderline homosexual and you need to haul out of there...

[BASE1232]

Wow. 1960 just called. You’re way more dangerous than a gay person.

[ClaudiaKishi]

Uhh..DUMP HIM!!! Oh man you can do SOO much better..What a sicko! Is that really how you want to live?? You deserve better..BTW, trying cocaine is not "adventurous" it's stupid and crazy.

[fluffy215]

I'm not trying to be rude asking this, but could it be possible that he is homosexual or bisexual and maybe using the cocaine to deal with it? Perhaps he is confused by his sexual identity. Just a thought.

[Dav125]

I hate to say this, but he's living his sexual needs thru the coke use and the fantasy's that go along with that..He's reaching a point that in order to get aroused he has to use to fullfill the rush he seeks..I don't see much hope in your relationship improving from your description of where he's at with his use and midset..Its got a huge hold on him. Even if he stopped now, your looking at a long road of recovery before he gets back to being his "old self" I'm afraid..I've known a few people that fell into the same groove he is in now..Coke is his love life and fantasy girl right now..You may have to walk away for your own sake and sanity..

[Mumma2many]

Run!!!!! He clearly has no dissire to get sober and deal with his issues and I'm so worried about you getting addicted to! Drugs are very hard to kick. Find someone who wants to fervid 'high' from you!

I hope you don't find that rude, I just don't want you to becoming an addict like him.