my 10 yr old

Question

I'm a 53 yr old grandmother raising a 10 yr old and his 7 yr old sister alone. I work fultime as a hospice nurse. I can come home feeling really good about my day to find my grandson has again forgotten his spelling work at school. If dealing with that isn't enough then it escalates into a tantrum when he looses privileges He used to throw tantrums when he was 5 and then he was diagnosed with ADHD. After medication he stopped, that is until recently. He always said he was mad at himself for doing whatever it was to get him into trouble (be it a serious conversation or loss of privileges). Tonight I have begun to believe this is a smoke screen. I think he is really a victim in his mind. When he throws a tantrum he knows its going to create a negative response in me so he isn't truthful about why he's upset. I need a simple answer, I'm too exhausted to keep this up.

This discussion is related to teaching social responsibility to 10 yr old.

Sandman2 · Answer

Oh boy, do I feel for you.  You have in my opinion a very difficult job and also one that can be very rewarding.  And you come home to a job that is in many ways as difficult.  Think back to when you first started nursing - did you feel exhausted or unrewarded?  But as you got more experience, the job became easier and more rewarding.  
     The same thing works for dealing with ADHD kids.  You need more information.  What he is doing is very common.  And yes, it is partially a smoke screen - because he has found it works, and he hasn't learned any better solution.  By the way, while I agree completely with not fighting over why he is upset, rewards won't work very well with ADHD kids.
     A book that I suggest over on the ADHD forum where I post a lot will really help you.  The book is, "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.  She will give you a lot of ways to help you.
     I have also found out that around 4th grade the academic requirements can really began to affect a child with ADHD.  The subject matter just gets tougher.  They need help in dealing with it.  The book I mentioned will help.  The teacher should also be more of a resource.  He should have a 504 plan that would help in making sure he gets his homework assignments home.  Once again the book will help with that.   And I am sure that you realize this (but its my standard statement).  Kids need much more than just meds.  They need to understand what they've got and how to cope with it.  Just like you - they need information!   The tantrums are not the problem.  What is causing the trantrums are.
 But you should also realize that peoples requirements for meds change.  The meds can be tweaked to help him more.  Are you going through a pediatrician or a psychiatrist?  You do definitely need to let the doctor know what is going on. 
  Hope this helps.  I monitor the ADHD forum much closer than this one.  If you have any other questions as the year progresses, I am much more apt to see it over there.  Best wishes!!!

doitagaingrandma · Answer

No I don't have respite.  I think family thinks "you accepted this challege now its yourswith which to deal."  I was the only qualified person to take this on.  The other grandparents either said no or were addicts.  I wish I could change but I'm not having any luck at it. After all I've been me for 53 yrs.   I just can't deal with an emotionally out of control person.  Frankly it scares me.  I really don't think he knows that. My preference is quiet and calm.  My life is nothing like that on a good day.  Both kids require the medication so by the time I get home from work and they school its beginning to wear off so its none stop talking on a good day.  He prefers taking the medication.  He has observed that he makes bad decisons without it.  Being a nurse I always stand therre to make sure it is taken.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

Is there no respite help for you?  You sound worn out, and having to deal with a 10 year old is not enhanced by exhaustion.  Also, please try not to blame him for your negative response ("when he throws a tantrum he knows it is going to create a negative response in me.")  You're a lot better off trying to change your reactions, so he won't know how to play you like a violin.

I don't think it's worth fighting over why he is upset.  Just keep up a simple, matter-of-fact process of working toward rewards -- letting him know positive actions by which he can earn points and actions that can cause him to lose them.  It's worth giving him a reward every now and then if it gets him to modify his behavior.  Also, be sure he is still taking his meds and not forgetting them or spitting them out.