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Avatar universal

Boyfriend sleeps with and goes in the bathroom with his 9 year old daughter

I have been seeing a guy for about seven months. He has a daughter, who is 9, and she sleeps with him nightly and will not take a shower alone (without him in the bathroom). He said he would address it but I can tell that he hasn't because she hates staying at my house where she must follow my rules (including sleeping in her bed and showering alone). When I ask him why, after 7 months, she is still displaying this behavior, he states that to "break her" of this is just too difficult.

Additionally, she makes remarks and smiles at me in a jealous way. Sometimes she loves me to death, but particularly if I am staying the night, just before bed, she seems to challenge me in an off way. I ignore the behavior and talk to her dad about it. It hasn't really changed.

She has other signs of insecurities. She whines all the time, she likes to call the shots for no other purpose then to get her way and she is a bit manipulative. She will say, as she did last night, that she wants to go home to "stay with her kitty cats" but in reality, she wants to sleep with her dad.

He will initially tell her no but then make excuses as to why we can't hang out. His latest excuse was that he had a blister on his nose and he didn't want me to see it.

I don't know if this is sexual because she did the same with her mom and her mom's new husband (get in-between them in bed, refuse to sleep alone, make him sleep on the couch). He (the new step-dad) eventually called this little girl a b*t*c* to another family member (not to or in front of the child). This enraged my boyfriend who proceeded to punch the new step-dad. The step-dad, after a few short weeks of marriage, left. His behavior was definitely inappropriate but my boyfriend seemed to take a bad situation and make it worse by over-reacting to his comment as if the child was his wife, not his daughter.

I am not sure what to make of it. I have children myself, and none have ever slept in bed with me on a regular basis. They sometimes have bad dreams and the like, but after they fall asleep I move them. Also, I do not go in the bathroom with them when they shower, especially my son (ever!). This little girl seems to have deep seeded emotional issues and I wonder IF anything IS going on.

Tonight, I discussed my concerns with him once more and he became defensive. He said that me thinking of him as a perv was deeply disturbing and that we have major problems. I care about him deeply but I am thinking that at very least these are problems that I am not willing to endure. Any thoughts or suggestions? Thanks!

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Avatar universal
This is exactly why i don't date men with kids, especially daughters, they are so obsessed Etc
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
I’m at the point where I am not even considering men with daughters... I was so traumatized by this experience I just don’t want to deal.
Avatar universal
I would never allow any of my children to sleep in the bed with me at 9
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Avatar universal
I would never allow any of my children to sleep in the bed with me at 9
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Avatar universal
If you come to any Asian countries,you will find co-sleeping extremely normal. It's the parenting style here. Since her parents are divorced, I think the child is unable to cope up with it. She is at a tender age of pre-puberty. She is insecure and confused. She likes you as a person but dislikes you because she thinks you are trying to take her father away from her when you insist she sleeps in her room.
You are right on you part but from the girls point of view this is a situation that makes her insecure.
while the bath is concerned, I think because she did not have her mom around all the time, Father had to step in. It might not be anything sexual. It's just a habit they need to break.
I also can assume that as she grows up, she will find co-sleeping and having her father around when she bathes extremely uncomfortable. She will stop it herself.
I think this is more of a psychological issue then sexual. It's too much co-dependency which is obviously unhealthy.
I think you have a real issue here but it might not be of a sexual nature.

But I'll still suggest you look for signs. If something creepy is going on, the girl will be extremely touchy with the father. She will masturbate or touch herself. She might look at him differently. She will be jealous when he shows you affection.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have seen girls in kindergarten through fourth grade with the signs above and have had to call CPS because they confronted me with aches and pains down there. They say Daddy comes and sleeps with me at night or I sleep with Daddy. Daddy touches me.. Sometimes they cry and don't know why or they are horny and talking about stuff only adults should say..
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Avatar universal
First off I am a Teacher. A child no matter the age should not be sleeping in a bed with an adult unless they have bad dreams. As a Teacher I know what signs of sexual abuse to look for and these are definitely one of them. If not it's co-dependency and that's a nasty habit to break and not a healthy relationship to keep.  I would ask
yourself these questions?

Does she ever touch her bottom?
Has her teacher caught her touching other boys?
Does she masterbate or go off alone?
Is she flirtatious with grown men?
Is she needy or withdrawn?
Is your boyfriend respecting your desires?
Is he defensive?
Does he take care of her like a child or a wife?does he look at other little girls legs?
Signs of porn?

Don't be naive in thinking he isn't a perv. 1 in every 4 girls is abused and human trafficking is huge right now all because people ignore the signs. I say this because of experience and care.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Hm.  My oldest son is 8 and I still am in the bathroom with him and actually often help him get the shampoo out of his hair.  I will put lotion on his back too as his skin gets dry.  I am his caregiver and mother---  both to him and his little brother.  Nothing odd or sexual about it.  

In the US, there is such controversy over sleeping with kids.  Frankly, usually only when it is a new girlfriend or boyfriend, but none the less, it is less common in the states than elsewhere.  In other parts of the world, you'd be odd NOT to have a family bed.

I don't sleep with my kids but made that choice early on.  As toddlers, I never got them into the habit of sleeping with me.  Parents at THAT time set up a boundary.  My kids have their room, I have mine.  But had I gone the other way and slept with them, it would be hard to have that transition of it is okay at one house and not the other (which the stability factor of going back and forth between two houses is often an issue anyway).  It is hard for something to be okay one day and then not the next when a new person comes into the picture to judge the situation.  

If your boyfriend does not want to sleep with her (and hey, as I said----  I wouldn't want to sleep with my kids) then HE must be ready to set up a boundary very lovingly with her.  Make a new room for her that is very exciting, new sheets, new nightlight, etc. so that she is enticed to enjoy her own space.  But your boyfriend would have to take the reighs and make that happen.

Blending families is really hard, no doubt.  And relationships that have a child from a previous relationship have about a 75% chance of failure because of these very issues.  

Your best bet is to talk to your boyfriend in a way to make him not defensive about certain things you deam really important.  Let the other things go and pick your battles.  And then you two come to an agreement about boundaries with her and HE enforces it.  

Because it is really not the little girls fault.  It is the fathers.  he's the parent.  And sometimes we have to accept that our partner isn't going to parent how we like.  Then it is too much to deal with and we should move on.  good luck
Helpful - 0
1415482 tn?1459702714
Honestly, I think the kid is just annoying. Simple. She's whiny and manipulative, as young as she is. I don't think that this situation is for you. There is no way around the child. Its not a sexual thing its a "I'm daddy's little princess and no one should get in the way of that" kind of thing. She may out grow it if you can stick around and wait to see.
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
I am apt to agree with the BF I think its possible this relationship may not work for you,as it causes you so much concern, its doubtful you will change the pattern of behavior they display especially as it appears to have been a family trait.Many people do behave in a familiar way it doesn't mean there is anything inapropiate going on ..I would prefer children have their own privacy but its their family  choice .Do you honestly think they will all comply with your wishes I think all you are doing is setting up future conflict with the BF and his child ..As I say basically I agree with what you are saying however I think you are waging something that cannot be won and will only cause angst for all concerned .good luck
Helpful - 0
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