king of pain

[sheldonth]

Why would I continue a cycle that means my immenent destruction, with an alcoholic who as this cycle goes full circle, preforms infidelities that make no sense, and self destructs, leaving me destroyed as well, and unable to even function from grief. 25 years I seem to have been an enabler, I am trying to reach out and get the answers I need...its been 1 week since my wife moved in with a guy suddenly. It is known that tequila makes her clothes fall off...but this doesn't start happenening till later in her relapse. Once again I am barely hanging on to a good career, I have a daughter thats 17 and ripped in half three months before graduation, and this suddenly seema so unreal....like a nightmare I'm going to wake up from. I am experiancing feelings of needing her to end this, does she want this guy, he is much younger....but a known alcoholic about town. My wife made statements while drunk, pointing out younger drinking men. I havnt touched alcohol in thirty years, my statement that I have an alcoholic in recovery in the past. My wife in the last year even offered herself to a man with two months to live. Her alcoholic
mother was living with the guy, Most of this is becoming reality now, I just confirmed the information, but my wifes
affair with a married man earlier had no chance of success, yet she did it anyway. This is part of a cycle that happenes during late relapse. I came to a diiferent town 15 years ago , my life was destroyed by scandel, a career as a ranger wasted. I picked myself up some how, got work, and got the kids into school. She finished recovery back then and came home. We ended up buying the house and having 5 or six good years. Over time, her alcoholic
mom and brother followed. My wife was drinking again, and I was watching her ,(die), in my opinion. We had
many more domestic calls, (me), she even stepped out in the street one night and dissapeared into a guys
truck she didnt even know. She came back with her pants torn, and my weddings rings were gone.
  Then I started to realize I was losing her, I thought she would crash and burn, and I would have my chance to save her and us again. Like a dwi, or something. I felt I couldn't force her to get help, just gently ask, during
moments of her sober, which got shorter and shorter. Their were rumours flying of affairs, my wife was telling
me she loved me and lying when I asked if she had ****** someone else again. (This seems typical),
in late stage). I was just going to work, coming home, and remaining very passive, for a year, she made me
do some things in the end, more sex, dirty dancing, I was getting what little more time from her that I could before
an end I knew was coming. Finally, all in one night a week ago, I have a phone in my left ear confirming an affair
with a married man, and a phone in my right ear, with my daughter screaming that mom was ******* a guy
she picked up at the bar in five minutes.
    There is much pain on my end, I think I have figured out that some of the rumours that my wife was given alcohol as a child in the bottle, and saw her parents beat each other. I think after her mom came over, she was triggered into her moms own alcoholic whorelike tendencies. I have been told her mom did the same **** when my wife
was a child. I was only told this recently. I am trying to let go, I know I am supposed to....but cant quite get there,
seems I have 3 struggles,  which are
1) Non drinking enabler- well into the manipulation of an alcoholic spouse.
2) fatherlike guilts instead as well as husband like
3) moral battle, how do I let a soul go and possibly die? especially one I am still in love with?
    seems to be a dark spiritual battle going on here in my mind as well.

I know this **** is bigger than me, my daughter is in shock, but wont admit it, mom is *****, I hate her.
I explained to her that I am an enabler, who struggled to save his alcoholic, and I am having trouble with
hatred, because I feel only great pain, loss, and pity. I am trying to reach out and get help, but can't even maintain order in my brain for more than five minutes. I know I have a divorce to file. A current restraining order which I just
renewed today. I have not been able to communicate with my wife, and I seem to be wanting her to tell me its over, so I can move on, or is this another self destruct, I want to hear her say....I dont love you. You know ...I saw alott
of things I think on court today....I saw anger and refusal in my wifes face....she would not meet my eyes...yeah..
I lose some control of my  dignity...when around her. But she did not fight back. I knew this was my last chance
to ask her to get help, which was also a conditrion of the restraining order. When I left court, I had a restraining order, that barred her from being at the house for a year. Custody of my daughter which is mute, because shes 18 in three months. She wants to party and I am suffering guilt that this is my fault. By the same token, I am proud of her, she doesnt smoke, I do, she's not an alcoholic yet, but has had some trouble with drinking in her earlier teens, and acting out, because her mom was also raped while drunk.
   The rape was another nightmare for me. I ended up persuing the case myself...it probably would have died
had I not persued it. A man is wanted for rape to this day, and I feel justified in this paticular infedilty, because
I know he did rape her while passed out. She woke up underneath him, and I found out later.
I went after his job, his life, and eventually...he ran.
  I have destroyed people in the past as well......they were bad people....I have no remorse.....but why was she
always attracted to people who just wanted one thing, and why did she tease this? Often...with no possible
good outcome for herself.?
I have even almost killed a man when I was very young, during this cycle of hers. Thank god someone with a
level head....was there to give me an excuse to level out myself.
I believe I am a good man, my wife even stated such, as well as angry...your perfect.

At this stage of our sickness, I seem to know I have a wife that I have to let go of....its now a matter of self
preservation for me..but doing it seems impossible in one week. She is staying at the younger bum guys place at time. I wonder if her choice is because he's an alcoholic too? Is this her wanting young stuff as she threatened in
the months prior? Does she even know what shes doing? Is she going to die?
I have a good job, and its stressed from all this, but still salvagable...I have explained the enabler thing to the guys over time, and they know I'm trying to function, but cant do it last two days. I cant sleep, cant eat. High anxiety.
I need to get this divorce going, but relive our marriage everytime I face them.
It seems like as my wife got sicker, she was saying goodbye somehow t0o. Lunch was ready everyday, I never asked for that once, dinner was always done....never asked her to do that either, she just did, and I miss her cooking. I am losing weight fast...lol. We danced to music, and sang together in the this end of us, I cherished it
even while suspicious we were ending. (Been down some of this road before). She said, "I love you" the morning
before everything peaked..it caught my attention: because it wasnt the normal "I love you", I believe it was
heartfelt. She knew I was going to find out about the affairs, and knew her brother was going to call and tell
me. This must have been hell for her. Weve been there before too. Thats when she destructed and picked up
a guy at the bar in less than 20 minutes tops, was under him. There was a message on the phone from her
brother wanting to talk to me...and I knew....because we hate eachother, I called him. and he told me of
the affair in my left ear, while my daughter was screaming on the phone i my right, that mom was screwing
some jerk.


That is all for now.....I

[dominosarah]

Thank you for helping me stay sober another day.  Had i not sobered up this would of been me.

How are your kids doing?

[min33]

my name is carol and I live in USA, My life is back again... After 5years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with kids .I felt like my life was about to end and I almost committed suicide, I was emotionally down for a very long time.Thanks to a spell caster called dr. ovia, which I meet online, On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet and I came across a lot of testimonies about this particular spell caster.Some people testified that he brought their Ex boyfriend back, some testified that he restores Womb,Cure Cancer and Herpes Virus and HIV Cure,diabitis hepatitis b, and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. I also come across one particular testimony and it was about a woman called jinni, she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr. ovia email address which is, ***@**** After reading all these,I decided to give it a try and I contacted him through his via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48 hours, my husband came back to me, and we solved our issues, we are even happier than before Dr. ovia is really a gifted man and I will not stop testifying him because he is a wonderful man and so powerful, If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems. contact him on this email:***@**** or call him [phone]
GOODLUCK......

[Nighthawk61]

When I'm dead, I wont miss her anymore, chances are, because you'll be in her company. i get visited by my friends that are "dead" I don't think you die at all, just move on in another plane of existence. Look for signs, and maybe you'll be able to believe it too? All the best.

[sheldonth]

Its strange how now I get what I always wanted. To be the number one guy in Heidi's life. Despite the cheating, and the drunkenness, the rage, and all the nasty remarks she made to me, in the end, she said, "I miss you soo much." In the end she said, "It'll be allright". She knew she was going to go, she just didn't know when. She accepted all this graciously and left us crying. that's what makes it so hard. Soulmates separated by addiction..Heidi saw my new wife and talked with her before she died. She told my new wife to take care of me. I think she let go the next day. I think she let go the next day, and died. The coroners report finally came after ten weeks. Her heart gave out. They call it "Broken heart syndrome". Another guilt and pain wracked statement. But my heart got broke a thousand times. Each time as painfull as the next. And in the end, the greatest heartbreak of all. "Come back", I find myself screaming inside, but nothing happens.
I can comfort myself with this train of thought by repeating, "Come back to what?" More struggle with alcohol? More drunken brawling? Heidi was soo cute, and so lovely, to see her drunk, upset anyone that might be getting to know her.

[sheldonth]

So it has been three and a half months since Heidi died. I still lose it every day. I'm still married, and I even appreciate my wife. It is strange however, this world is not the same without Heidi. It will never be the same again. Often times at least once a day, I have to re-wrestle the fact that Heidi is dead. I miss her and scream inside for her. I still weep uncontrollably when the pain surfaces. I havnt much faith in god. So I can't draw streghnth from that, and all that goes with it. The only things that bring me back to the here and now, is telling myself, " We all die". My turn will come. When I'm dead, I wont miss her anymore. I have a lot of procrastination to get things done. I cannot enjoy much of anything. Material possessions mean nothing to me. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Other times I realize that I have a great woman now, who needs me, and deserves to be happy. It seems so large this pain, yet I read everyday of others pain and see that they get through it..how? One minute, one hour and one day at a time. That's all I can do. I would gladly die just to talk to her once. Yet I don't have that option even if it was possible. Kids, new wife, parents, always responsibilities. I miss her so badly. Strange how death can teach you what love really is. Heidi was overweight and unhealthy in the end. And all I see when I see her pictures is my baby. I see her soul, not her body. I see her smile, and wonder how she could always find a way to smile and laugh despite everything. I have never been able to do that. Although I have a sarcastic funny wit at times. I can often stereotype people, but Heidi was unique in every way. I wonder why I can no longer see the dark side of her. I'm certain that if she was alive, I would. But now shes out of reach, so I tend to glamourize her. I finally figured out a way to get around some of the guilt when I feel love for my new wife. I just ask Heidi for forgiveness. I ask her to understand that whether my fault, or hers, or 50 - 50, I don't want to be alone and have another good person in my life who knows no addictions. So please could you forgive me babe, for leaving the insanity, for letting you die, for letting you die alone, I will keep you alive in my heart, and talk to you every day. I also will love my new wife.    It seems everytime I have feelings for my new wife, they also stir up feelings for Heidi. Guilt surfaces, she loved me and I know it. I never really believed it before, but Heidi did and said things in the end, that proved it. She just wanted me happy. I am not happy, but as my current wife says, "Honey, I believe you would have died with her had I not been here". My new wife may be right, but I certainly wouldn't tell her that. I spent at least a year staring at the walls. Didn't watch t.v. or listen to music, just got lost in my own head, and went to work, and came home. This was between dates. I tend to live in the past and I know its not good. So I try to be in the here and now. Its all I can do.

[Nighthawk61]

What is this all about?
The coughing waking me up out of unconsciousness 19 years earlier?
The coughing outside the bathroom door 19 years later.?
The hovering green light , after my husband's death, 19 years earlier?
The hovering blue light, seen by my new husband , (connecting him to my past)  19 years later?

It was my birthday on March 9th this year. and my son gifted me a book of Wiccan religion (white witchcraft) and i got to reading the calendar at the end of the book and noticed, that there was a total solar eclipse on the 8th /9th of March. So i looked up if and what that meant. Apparently, we are connected by identical total solar eclipsed, once every 19 years. That the moon and the sun and the earth are only in that one place every 19 years. .........the stars have all aligned and the person whose birth date coincides with this happening, there are apparently, great and pivotal things happen.

As i said, i've had many examples of this sort of proof that there is a place that we go to, That there are others that will come and fetch us.

Your Heidi has  been welcomed home. She came from a place that valued her in her pristine state, and she has returned to that state unharmed. Heidi did not "die" alone, in fact, Heidi did not die at all. She will be there when it is your time, and she will not have suffered while waiting for you. She will be there for her daughter's return, but she will not have suffered while waiting there.

Your family will need time to grieve, your immediate loss. The fact is that Heidi is no longer living with her demons, she is at peace. She rests, but she is not in bed resting, nor is she dead. She is very much alive. And in time, I hope that you are open to receiving signs, and you are given signs that she there with you. it can be quite alarming to get some of the signs, however, mainly, those that want to make contact with us (our loved ones) are very careful the way they go about it. It is in the simple things, like coughing or a light, that will show us the way, to knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we are surrounded by those we love.

Love never dies. You now love another and she loves you. I had to move on after my husband's illness took him, It was hard, and in the beginning, it very much felt like a rebound, however, I stuck with it, and i now have a relationship that has lasted twice as long as i had with my husband, and because of that we are twice as close. He, I realize, is the man in my life that was going to be able to show me what true love was all about. It is him that has saved me, much like the women in your life is trying to do for you. Don't let her go. Do anything but that. Get to a grief counselor and learn how to handle yourself during the initial time of your grief. Try to make new memories with your wife, be good to yourself and learn new hobbies together,. This relationship has been put in place by divine intervention i believe. Don't let it go. You may never be lucky enough again to meet the type of angel that lays beside you and listens to your breathe.

I'm so glad that you are off work and have time to yourself and your family. Please, think of Heidi as alive and kicking around with other men and women on the other side. You needn't cloister yourself, you should have to regret or shame. You did what was suggested that you do. You gave Heidi the chance and the motivation to save herself. As an addict  i know that our loved ones must stop enabling us in order for us to make the choice to either get busy living, and get back to our loved ones, or get busy dying. This choice only happens when good people like you make hard choices. Her passing is NOT your fault.

Heidi was a troubled soul that could not live with the choices that she had made time and time again. To walk out on the man she loved, hurt her deep down inside, and damaged her so much, that she let go. You did not do that to her. She did that. Her disease did that. It was not you.
Please, believe me. You are meant to be in love with your current wife. and be the kind of example to your daughter that she can hold in high esteem and want to emulate. That is your job, To teach the next generation how to be a good family man, how to treat his wife, and be there for his kids. You could not have done that with Heidi, Don't feel regret that you found someone who can help to mold your daughter and son into being a good partner, by the example you and your new wife can show them.

Please know you're in my thoughts and my prayers. Please keep us updated as to how you're doing, whenever you can. I'm sending my love to you and yours.

You weren't meant to be alone through this,

[Nighthawk61]

Beautifully written Sheldon. I'm so sorry for your immense pain, and of course your lovely daughter as well. My deepest condolences to you both.

Sheldon, I think that it was by divine intervention that your life was managed as it was. Poor Heidi, was on a collision course, and somewhere above, the stars conspired to bring you to your new wife and your new life, so you would have the support you needed for a change.

Heidi had so many changes to change her ways, but she chose to stay connected to people that were using, knowing how it would affect her. When i lost my husband (43 years old) i was talking to a doctor about how awful it was that he was so young, and his answer has stayed with me to this day. He said, "He was not young to die, i have babies, kids, teenagers, and young adults die under my care all the time."

My husband was a juvenile diabetic, and I was the drunk. He went into a diabetic coma for over 6 weeks, and everyone had written him off. I was in so much need for him to come back and shelter me, that i actually talked him out of his coma. I remember before he opened his blue eyes, he puckered his mouth into a kiss for me. When I brought him home i could not know that he had made certain plans of the other side. I went in one weekend to do my time for an impaired charge, and at 9pm exactly, i got a vision of my husband having a seizure. I was in solitary, and i remember banging on my cell door, demanding that i use the telephone (the point of solitary  is that these privileges are taking away), but I managed to make a call to my mother to call an ambulance. She never did, but when i got home, i noticed a hospital bandage on the counter and i asked him what that was about. He told me that on Saturday night, at 9pm he was found having a grand mal seizure in the laundry room in the basement of our building. That night, i came out of the bathroom of our 3 bedroom apartment, and I looked down the hall that gave me full view of our living room and the balcony doors. Standing inside the living room was a black man, about 30 years old. He looked about 6 feet tall. I got a huge smile on my face, and i was connected to him with an electricity, and began to run towards him. with my arms outstretched. As I ran, I noticed abruptly that the entire right half of our apartment was totally black. When i looked down to see it, this apparition that i thought was a man completely vanished and when i looked back down the right side of the apartment reappeared. When i had seen the blackness I had screamed and my husband who was in bed, asked me what was wrong. I went in and told him what i'd seen and he told me that he had just woken up and his mother and uncle, (who had passed away) were standing smiling at him from the bottom of the bed. This was not the first time i had been given signs that there is a spirit world beyond out sight, It was  only the beginning of many more circumstances that have given me faith, that being here on earth, is only a part of who and what we are. After my husband passed, I once saw a small, very bright green light in a cupboard, where there was no electricity.  Now, 19 years later, my new husband, told me of the same very intense blue light hovering in our bathroom, where i have some trinkets from my mother , grandmother and son.  In this last year, i was given another sign of life after life. I was in the tub, alone in the house, and there was a very clearly heard coughing, coming from the other side of the bathroom door. I yelled to see if my husband had come home early, but he wasn't home yet. It got me to thinking about the time that i had overdosed and passed out. I was all alone in my little house and i distinctly heard someone coughing in the basement. I woke up enough to call my sister, who told me to call 911 (she never bothered to herself or ask how things went, our family was like that). I was so drugged and drunk, i fell back on  my bed and passed out. I remember sitting straight up in my bed, wide awake, like i had been given a shot of adrenalyn straight to my heart. I jumped up and ran out of the bedroom and came face to face with a husky guy who looked around 27 years old, with big coke bottle glasses. He ran to the back of the house and i could hear him trying to get out the heavily bolted back door, and not being able to do so, running down into the basement from where he had come, obviously to escape through the basement window he had earlier breached to come inside. I ran out of the house and ran directly into him as he was coming out from behind the house. I flagged a car, and got the driver to chase him , but lost him when he ran into the back yard of a neighbour's house. I've often wondered, was the home invader there to take advantage of a drunken girl living on her own, or was he there to save me for myself and for my son? When i heard the coughing outside my bathroom door, it was like i was given my answer.

[sheldonth]

When Heidi died, I felt the most powefull grief Iv'e ever known. It actually can make me pass out, and I'm a muscular man. It can take hold of me while standing in a Walmart line, I just crack and the tears start rolling. All of a sudden, the world isn't as good a place as it was with Heidi. It feels very empty. I'm actually afraid, but I don't know what of. I'm in denial. But Heidi's car is in my driveway, as I told my daughter I wanted to fix it one last time for Heidi. I can be talking away with someone, and all of a sudden I can't talk. Something reminded me of her and I'm overwhelmed. I'm glad I was off work for four weeks. Three days isn't going to get it.

[sheldonth]

I was standing for hours while the coroner did his thing, and the police did their thing. The blood was starting to run down my back. A cop noticed and asked about it. My new wife had just pulled up and put everything together. Get him a chair please, he just had major surgery she said. I sat down. but kept getting up to hold my daughter. I cried in my new wifes arms, over my former wife. This must have been horrific for her. She also held my daughter, whom she barely knew. They were bringing the body out. Luckily, she was fully covered. I told my daughter not to go hold her. as she wanted to say goodbye one more time. I warned her these images are for life. Your mom wouldn't want that. So she backed off and wailed. I wailed. After a few minutes of that. And Heidi's body was gone. I explained to my daughter that its a body. Your mom is gone. You don't need these images honey. Your only 21. My daughter said, "Daddy, my man cheated on me and I was moving in with mom." "But I changed my mind and went back to him." "Daddy, she was all bluish colored the last time I was here", but I didn't know she would die daddy...I feel so guilty." I said, "Honey, I was told along time ago, this is how it would be." I explained to her that medhelp had pepared me somewhat for this. "Please, know my daughter," she suffers no more. No demons, no shakes, no more grief. Even though I told her these things, I am feeling massive guilt myself. I feel I left her to die. I broke her heart. I ignored her end. I was off having surgery. I remarried and killed her. This is too much. It is now destroying my current marriage.

[sheldonth]

The police were going in. We were staying out at this point. But I ran back in. I wailed right in front of the Police. Some of them I had worked with and knew me. I could tell it was a shock to them too. The police liked Heidi even though they knew her demons. They had let her go before. She was that loveable!! I held Heidi one last time. I said goodbye. I was in deep shock. Iv'e seen plenty of people die. Been a first responder too. And a Ranger. But nothing could shield me from this. Finally the coroner arrived. We all had to stay out. I noticed he just stood back and took it all in quietly, I told the police I knew her well and it looked like she may have aspirated in her sleep. But in my mind, I realized she was laying the wrong direction. She usually didn't lay that direction. This would haunt me later.

[sheldonth]

When I got home I was in a lot of pain. Went right to bed. I had bad dreams that night. I will not speak of them. When I woke up the sun was shining for the first time in what seemed like weeks. I thought, I bet Heidi and our daughter can't wait to get tanning. Summer is here, Heidis favorite time. I made coffee, and drank two cups. Took two painkillers for the surgery pain. At about two o:clock I got a phone call. My daughter ws screaming in the phone and not making much sense. But I managed to make out the words "Oh My God Daddy, Momma is dead."  I instantly went into shock. I wasn't supposed to drive with a fresh surgery wound in my back, but I got in my truck and drove over there. I was in a daze on the way. I knew what I was going into, but was in a state of disbelief. I pulled into the driveway, and there was my little girl, all crumpled up next to her car tire, crying. I disregarded her and went into the trailor. There was Heidi. It looked like she was sleeping. But when I touched her, she was cold. I started to wail hysterically. Ohh...Heidi. Ohh Heidi..Oh my god. I got a grip for a second. I looked around the room. I looked at her. She was beautifull as ever. I noted she had her feet up on the couch.In a laying position. Her head was on her right arm like she had layed down. Her left arm still on her side, and outstretched. I smelled her drinking glass. Water. No booze. She did like water while not drinking. Her head was tilted back a little and looking up a little. There was spittle that had run down her cheek. Her tongue protruded just a bit. Almost morbidly cute. I started wailing again. Loud. Never had I wailed like this. Oh Heidi...you finally did it. I kissed her cheek, her forehead, I rubbed her cute little footies. She was so cold. She had been dead for hours. Her long blonde hair in ringlets was shining in the sun. She had dyed it back to blonde sometime ago. It used to haunt me that she would dye it dark brown when in drinking mode, and blonde when in sober mode. I hadn't paid attention to that in a long time. I forced myself to stop wailing and go hold my daughter. All I could say is "It will be o.k." "Shes dead Daddy, bring her back, please bring her back" Daddy pulled a lot of tricks out of his hat for his little girl. But this is one thing I cant do. "I can't honey...she's gone." She cried some more. The police were starting to arrive.

[sheldonth]

Heidi called again on the 21st of march. She said her car battery was dead. One thing I always did was keep her car running. I didn't want her in bad situations with men because she had to depend on them. I visited her that day, and told her I could only do soo much. I was scheduled for surgery tomorrow on my back. Lower spinal herniation at work. I jumped her car and let it charge. I brought my new wife with me, as I didn't want to hide anything from her. Heidi had a hard time waking up and answering the door. I told her the car was fixed. She was crying softly on the couch. We didn't know why. I think she was dying. And giving up. But she just said Thank you, god bless you guys". She was so kind in the end. She didn't hate anyone, had no anger, only love for everyone. But she was very alone. I had to get to surgery, so my new wife drove me to my surgery date. After surgery, my new wife was right there. Ready to be my nurse. I thought about how many times I got hurt and no one was there to help me. This was cool!! Then my new wife got a text from Heidi. She said, "How is your man"? My new wife said , "He is recovering nicely". Then Heidi texted her and said her ex boyfriend was in the same hospital dying from alcoholism. and gave us the room number. We weren't interested in seeing him and didn't check it out. Those were the last words we ever heard from Heidi.

[sheldonth]

My mom meanwhile, had developed a friendship with Heidi, funny, but for twenty five years, Heidi alienated me from my family. I didn't mind at all that Heidi befriended my mom. I was worried as Heidi had thrown out her drunk boyfriend 5 months ago. I was worried that Heidi was very alone. Guilt !!  I was experiencing massive guilt. My mom would say Heidi loves you very much son. I would answer, "I know". "I still love her", just cant do the insanity anymore mom. Mom would cry. My moms health is declining too. So this takes its toll on her too. These two were enemies all these years. And now they were friends. I didn't mind at all. Mom would talk of having Heidi come over and take care of her. And she would take care of Heidi. I know Heidi, she really would. She really would take care of my mom. I didn't mind one bit. But I knew in my mind it would never happen. My stepdad drinks, and Heidi and him would finish mom off. But I didn't worry, because I knew it wouldn't really happen.

[sheldonth]

I had begged Heidi many times in twenty nine years to choose life. A few times she did. And sobered up and tried again. And was a beautifull, shiny person at these times. She would whistle with the birds in the morning. Play with small animals. Loved children. Watched and babysat them. And even controlled her drink when doing it. She was fun, attractive,and far more entertaining than any human being Ive ever seen. And so I begged one last time, Please Heidi, Please choose life. She said, "I will scott". I was crying as I said this. We both were. I guess I knew somehow that she was running out of time. Yet there is that old defensive mind screw, that says, nah, she will become her mother. Living alone and drinking well into her seventies. It was time to go, I had a new wife to be with. My new wife did not understand why I would sit out on the porch sometimes. It was becoming more often. I woulod come in with swollen eyes. this hurt my new wife and caused confusion. I couldn't tell her that I still loved Heidi, because I loved her too. I couldn't tell her that I worried Heidis health was declining. I couldn't tell her that Heidi now loved and missed me in a way I'd never seen. Heidi had come full circle. That moment a person on this site once told me would happen, had happened. Heidi was facing full remorse of the past. She was facing all of the past guilts. She was doing a lot of crying. She was dying, but she didn't tell us.

[sheldonth]

I began to slip Heidi money. Extra money. I was paying a monthly maintenance but it was nt that much. Heidi had let me decide the terms of the divorce. Another major guilt factor. I bought stuff for her trailor home. It was actually bigger than my little dump. And my daughter said having her own place cheered mom up. But she never stops missing you dad...Oucchhh. I fixed her car but bungled it because I was in a hurry as I had another woman in my life. This was stressfull to say the least. Yet, I coulod not let two weeks go by, without asking the daughter how her mom was. Guilt was rising. Heidi's health was getting worse. She had more fainting spells. ( I heard this from my daughter). My daughter was having to pay or help pay her rent as she broke her ankle in a fall and was out of work. I stopped one afternoon on the way from the store on an errand for my wife. I don't know why. I just suddenly whipped into her driveway. I was having frustration adjusting to a new relationship. I missed Heidis kind demeaner, one that always agreed with anything I said. We sat and talked of the children. My son was now a meth head. His mind was gone and he was living with his grandmother. My daughters man had just screwed around on her. So the kids were a mess. Heidi was crying about this, and I could tell she was crying because she knew I would never come back now. She said, "your new wife is beautifull". It made me feel really bad and guilty. Heidi meant no harm....just wanted me happy. I didn't know it, but she was giving up. I hugged her, and I begged her on my knees. Please , please Heidi....choose Life.

[sheldonth]

My daughter Shelley would tell me that Heidis health wasn't so good. I started to move all the things out of my house and over to Heidis. A deal is a deal. I promised all things in the house were hers. Even though I owed more than the house was worth. I was trying to be fair. Heidi and I came to these agreements fairly easily. One of my main motivators was Heidis medical. When she came over or I saw her, she was much heavier. She was holding a lot of water she said. She also was smoking way too much, emphesema was evident. She also said she had early stage diabetes and would have fainting spells. I of course only half believed her, as I figured the drinking was the worst health issue. I was glad the divorce was done,
I couldn't afford her medical issues and mine. And the kids's issues, which seem to take money. Heidi could get apple health now. Funny, she was always painfully honost to doctors on meeting them. This would kill her later. Hi, I'm Heidi, I'm an alcoholic. I once had a doctor come out of an exam room, I had taken her to the doctor, and he said, "Heidi is an exceptionally lovely woman". I already knew that.....duh. She had a way about her, never complained when in pain. Never blamed anyone else for her woes anymore. And still had a certain grace to her, I have never seen again. And so my mind was at ease a little. Heidi could get a doctor. She even said she was addressing her issues. Even though Heidi now knew I was re-married, she would ask us for just a little help when she absolutely needed it. I went over there a few times. I didn't want to hurt my new wife. She had sold her beautifull home and came to be with me as after three months of being married but three hours apart, she decided she had had enough of that. So she sold her home and moved in with me. I told Heidi I was remarried. I was beginning to feel massive guilt. Heidi was very kind to me, and to my new wife. she would say I don't want to hurt your new marriage. I want you happy honey.

[sheldonth]

My son scotty ended up losing his job and splitting up with his live in due to his schitzaphrenia. He moved in with his alcoholic grandmother. Meanwhile..my wife Heidi was getting calls from the grandmother to take care of her. Heidi was drinking again. My son scotty, and heidis mom offered her the drinks while she was over there. Heidi was now spending a lot of time at her moms taking care of her. But she didn't need Heidi as much as she said. She would call Heidi after falling and couldn't get up. She was usually drunk and that's how this would happen. A diabetic who drinks...how special. I was still working. Heidi said one night in bed. "I'm not going back scott". I knew what this meant....no more treatment. I died a little when she said that. I continued to take hewr camping and love her as much as I could. Heidi continued to try to work part time and take care of her alcoholic mother part time. Eventually...My daughter and her mom Heidi, had a fight. My daughter told me mom had slept with her boyfriend. This was shocking but not surprising.This had happened a while back. When we were both separated. So I knew I couldn't respond badly. It wasn't fair. But it began to take its toll. I told my daughter I was glad her boyfriend had the conscience to confess this to her before continuing a relationship with her. My daughter had just found out. Later in the week, I got a phone call from people I didn't even know. Would you come get your wife? I drove to the address, and there was my wife with her explorer, stuck in 1.5 feet of mud. A dog was jumping in and out of the drivers side. My wife was just sitting there slobbering, and barely able to function. The whole side of the car was mud, and the inside, and the wife. I opened the door, and she kind of slid halfway out, punched me in the stomach, and said, "Where were you dude". I died a little more right there. This was a woman who moved with such grace when sober. Was beautifull in my eyes, and always smiled and greeted everyone with bells and whistles. I took her home. The next day she went to her moms again. Her mom had her well manipulated by this time. A year ago, Heidi had said, "I need to stay away and say goodbye to my mother, and brother, or die".  I decided I could no longer risk getting free tickets to the Jerry Springer show. Once again, I just couldn't live like this anymore. I went over to the mother in laws house and told Heidi I was done. This was it. I'm refiling the divorce. I had squashed it two years prior, just two days before final. Heidi took it all calmly. I went to the bank to separate our accounts again. Surprise, Heidi was waiting there. She actually helped me do it. I respect her for that. Heidi was never a complainer or whiner. I think she knew she couldn't do this to me anymore. And so I filed the divorce. We bantered about the house for a year. She stayed on peoples couches, and at her mom's. I started dating. I went to Hawaii with a girl who I wont mention here. But the whole time I was trying to have fun, I would burst into tears because Heidi never got to experience this. Heidi would never know much of any happiness. Yet Heidi never complained. I missed her. I missed her kindness when sober. I missed being waited on hand and foot. I missed being the boss. I dated the woman one year. The relationship didn't work out. But the woman had asked me to finish the divorce as her birthday present. I was anyway, I just couldn't punish Heidi any further. It was hard to work out the details. She was drunk a lot. She was jealous, although she had an alcoholic boyfriend. Funny, she was ashamed of him and would say, "Scott he's not my man, you are, and always will be, Always and forever". She said that a lot. I would see her once in a while when visiting the kids. But I stayed clear of my kids as much as possible. They all had their problems. They all had grown up and moved out. I was alone again. One Christmas the girl I dated for a year broke up with me. A long distance relationship was too hard she said. What am I to say, that's actually true. So that Christmas I was alone. I would go home and never turn on the t.v. after work, or ever for that matter. I preferred to just sit and stare at the walls. I would get lost in my own mind, just replaying the past. I still loved Heidi, I just didn't know it. Or I was forcing myself to ignore it. Yet, often times when I would see her she would be drunk and slovenly, and it would remind me of what I had got away from. I was still working hard, had a good tan, and was noticing that woman noticed me. I started dating again. But I would still go home and retreat into my mind unless on a date. While dating a 47 year old girl, that worked at the store. I was informed she died the night before. Fortunately, I was not wrapped up in her. They say she had a brain aneurism.  I was hurt, and Heidi came over to comfort me. We only managed to stay together two days, before the old pattern of my hating her drinking, and her being mad about the dating started up again. I said, "Get out" that night. She slammed the bedroom door, and then about twenty minutes later, she came out of the bedroom, gave me a good long stare, and left. I wanted her to leave. I didn't know it yet, but I was afraid. She was now overweight,and not attractive. But to me it didn't matter. She was still the prettiest thing I ever knew. Those huge blue eyes will haunt me to the end of my days. Anyway, Heidi got her own trailor, and at first I felt bad that it was a trailor. I had met a girl who was injured in the military, but I was very impressed. I did have some feelings for her. She didn't drink, didn't smoke, or drug. She demanded the same from me. We met online at a P.T.S.D. site. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A few months of intense dating, and she and I admitted we were getting old, running out of time, and wanted the same things. She also had an alcoholic spouse who mistreated her. She loved my tough act, while hiding a soft heart. I didn't here from Heidi much during this time, but every once in awhile, I would get a text in the middle of the night. I miss you. I love you. But I want you happy. I really believe Heidi wanted me happy. She had begun to text my mother. They became friends. I suppose Heidi didn't have her protector anymore and had a horrible family, so I'm sure my mom gave her sanity. And connection with me. My mom was still mad at me for taking Heidi back for two days and getting her hopes up. I really feel horrific about that. Its not my style. But I still loved her. 29 years is a long time. The divorce was coming final again and Heidi came over to the house to sign it. We both cried and bawled uncontrollably.We both felt like someone had died. Well....I think we did a little that day. I didn't tell Heidi I was on a fast track to get married to my new girlfriend. I didn't want to hurt her. Several months went by, and I continued to date, and got engaged. I was not aware of my new gals financial status, but I knew she had a really nice house, which was a three hour drive away. I was unwilling to leave my career. My house was a small one bedroom with two loft rooms upstairs. It was a dump. I had been so unhappy for so many years, that I let it deteriorate. The new gal wanted to see it. An inspection so to speak. I was mortified. All the battles that had taken place here. there were still blood stains upstairs on the floors. My blood. A fight with two guys that shouldn't have been here years ago. I had been too busy chasing girls to fix up my house. I would later understand I was running. Running from a fate I knew would come.

[Nighthawk61]

My deepest condolences for your family's loss Sheldon. Thank you so much for taking the time to let us know :( Peace be with you. Liz

[sheldonth]

After April 17th 2012.
Struggling to keep my job. I ripped my right bicep off in a fight. I am very angry now. Angry because I didn't get the life I wanted and deserved. Angry because my wife is so sick mentally in this addiction. I cruise the streets, music blaring, in my truck. ready to mix it up at the drop of a hat. what are you doing scott? You have to work in the morning. Somehow I always manage to stay out of trouble. Ive put myself at deaths door many times now. Not thinking of my children. Only that my family, is gone to the four winds again. I have thought much about saving myself. I love Heidi soo much but know I'm going to die with her if I stay. Don't leave me to the wolves she would say. sorrow, pity, mercy, guilt, anger....all running out of control. Ive been taking out on my work. Pounding the pavement with jackhammers, choosing the sledge instead of concrete cutters. Ive begun to damage my body. Some things came to fruition. The man who raped my wife is in prison for a year. Fair enough. Why should the state feed him for longer. Its done, it took a lot of work on my part. The months wore on. After a couple months I got a text from a friend of heidis.  She called herself mama mercy and wanted me to know Heidi was o.k. and sober. She said that's why her name is mercy. Eventually, I started texting with Heidi my wife too. I missed her. I missed the kids who were kind of alienating themselves from this mess. But Heidi always was a great cook and fed everyone around her. She actually kept me healthier than I am now at present day.  A week later I caved, and asked Heidi to come home. Their was a restraining order still in effect, so she had to park down the street from the house. She was very afraid, and I don't blame her, we had been through this many times before. She could go to jail very easily. She was a very anxious person. She started trying to not drink again. The nightmare began afresh. I would sit with her by the front door as she screamed. She wanted to leave. I wanted her to stay. She wanted to stay. I know now that she was in withdrawel. She would moan...not just because of the addiction....but all the things shed done come charging in on her.  A few weeks later she started A.A. again. I remember being a little jealous because she was attractive and I thought A.A. would turn into a pick up spot. She invited me to come, I did. I began to calm down, and realize she was actually better after these meetings. We talked a lot about what we had done to eachother. what we wanted for the kids. I had gotten so fedup with her affairs that after 25 years I finally did the same to her. It was strictly revenge. And I hurt a good lady, and I still have to live with that the rest of my life. But I did apologize to everyone involved. I apologized to my wife. But we had soo much damage, soo much pain, neither one of us trusted the other anymore. I think I distrusted her a lot more. She was doing her part for treatment and I was pleased. I asked her what I could improve. She said I never spent enough time with her. My defense was always that I have to work. I didn't get to relapse and lose my job. But I did begin to take her camping every weekend.  I was still in a lot of emotional pain, she was still exhibiting some dangerous behaviors. Red flags if you will. She said, Scott....when I stop going to treatment you will know I'm in trouble. When I lift that first drink, I will die. I fully believed this. And so for the next two years we struggled. We had some good fun. she would invite my daughter and her boyfriend camping with us. I could tell this made her happy.I was doing better at work and getting raises. I had learned that my daughter had lied to me about finishing high school. Her mom had pulled her out of school behind my back. I was angry about this. But had to letit go. I just kept urging my daughter to go back. she kept promising she would. But she was living with a guy now. I didn't care for him much. My daughter had a bad period acting out due to me and her moms fighting. She beat a guy up real bad. She went to jail for three months. The guy she is camping with helped beat this guy up and did most of it in a rage. I was hearing he did drugs. It was either meth, or coke, or both. She kept telling me it would be o.k....she was working him. He had a steady income of indian money, so I imagine she found stability and a chance to have her own life. Heidi wanted us all together as a family. My gay son scotty, was doing well, but he started calling me and saying things like, "Dad, I just got made C.E.O. of this company but they are having me sign other C.E.O signatures too. It sounded like he was telling me  he was afraid of going to prison. I told him that if he was doing what his superiors told him to do, and shrugging it off, he would get in trouble, but they would get the brunt. I began urging him to seek different employ.
I didn't know it at this time, but my son was doing meth. And becoming paranoid. Heidi and I began to figure it out. We got him help at a counseling center. But he didn't stick with it. We had two more deaths in the family on Heidis side. She was beginning to crumble. She was skipping meetings. Forging her attendance slips. She was good at that. My feeling of immenent destruction was returning.

[sheldonth]

Today I prepare to bury my alcoholic spouse. I will finish my story after this is done.

[dominosarah]

Where did you go????????????  Come out where ever you are!

[dominosarah]

It is very common for kids to take sides when divorce is in the air.  My kids did the same thing and we came back as a family.  It takes time but it does happen.
I dont think the relationship you had with their mother had anything to do with your son being gay.  I am so happy you are okay with that.  So many kids have had to live hiding who they really are.  They are our children and we love them no matter what.  Your son may think you are abandoning his mother, which you arent by the way.  He will come around and see this is for the best.  
You sound so much better than the first post you made.  There is a fight in you to save you now.  It will get rough before it gets better so keep walking towards that light at the end of the tunnel.  It is there, never give up.   sara

[sheldonth]

im hanging in there...today was pivotal....I filed the divorce....very difficult
thing to do. Screaming inside the whole time. My kids have now divided
up. Son on moms side, and daughter on mine. Me trying to tell the kids
I dont care what sides you take, i love you anyway, gotta do what I gotta
do. Son feels I am manipulating mom and I suppose I am a little....old pattern of trying to get her to see the light still.  The divorce is the furthest
step weve all taken, and I have come to the logical decision, that if we
got back together....we are both dead.
  I think it would have been easier to die of a heart attack. Well....take er
back...you'll get your wish mister. Seems this finality will help heal the children. My son is gay, and there were problems when his mom told me.
It devastated me as much as my wife was always doing. Over the years,
I still went through the same teenage ******** with him, and there was
a communication gap for a long time. At this time, I am happy for him,proud of him, and even approved his new choice of boyfriend. Hell,
at least the guy adores my son, and keeps him in line. My son is currently
buying a condo...and Im puffed with pride. Yeah ...I have finally reached the point where I can yell my son is gay...and I love him very much...thank you. I will always wonder if my war with his mother , in his childhood years,
effected this outcome. But who really knows? And at this point it is mute.

[dominosarah]

How are things going for you?

[ibizan]

a woman who behaves like a *****......has NO self esteem.....it is truly pathetic...and in this day and age of hordes of STD's......inserting part A in2 part B and whooshing it around just ain't worth the price u may pay for a long time afterwards!