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Avatar universal

Appropriate or not- father daugher interaction

This morning as I came around the corner I saw my husband sitting on the floor next to my daughter, who was sitting on the coffee table. It happened in a split second, but what I saw was him bending his head down and to the side looking at her butt/private area as she was up on all fours on the table innocently playing with some legos. He looked back as if to see if anyone was there/watching/could see him. I just kept walking past, in shock but not wanting to make an issue or shame him needlessly.

I'm so out of sorts by this, I'm not sure why to the extent that I am. We have both always been highly disturbed over the number of people that are molested as children, and talk frequently about how horrible child molesters are. I feel as though he was "being curious" looking at her genitals. I hate this. I feel like men, even "good" men have such strong desires by just the sight of a female body, and that even "good" men can become confused by and/or distort these desires which leads to inappropriate behaviors. I will do anything to protect my daughter from abuse. I will not worry about destroying relationships, reputations, even entire lives if she was being abused. I guess you can say I don't trust anyone, even my own husband. I don't trust any man. I'm sorry if this offends men out there. I don't think men are evil. So often they can't help their feelings and urges. You can only hope they can control them. So then I think of all the things about him that make me worry even more.....(which I realize could just be my mind collecting a list of items to support my irrational fear, however here goes):
- he is 6 years younger than me, and only had one brief girlfriend/sexual encounter before me. I had a "normal" amount of dating and sexual encounters I guess you could say. I know he feels curious and like he "missed out" sometimes
-he was HIGHLY awkward/insecure sexually for the first 6 years of our relationship
-he used to make these crazy jokes at his father when he and his siblings were all together about him being a "*********", it was like he was just teasing him and trying to be funny. He does have a strange sense of humor, but this was just weird to me.
-before we had kids, if one of my nieces would walk around in their underwear (say 2-5 years of age) he would become very uncomfortable, refuse to look at her and tell me later he didn't like it when they walked around "naked" like that. I think if you're a secure and confident man, you won't get so highly disturbed by the sight of a half naked baby/small child
-his brother once commented years ago in front of the family that my husband used to "experiment" with their little sister (yeah, the family is a little strange to say the least, they are good people just blurt out strange things at strange times)

So, what my head is doing right now is saying "I'm too old, he never had enough sex with other women, he's still curious, he could take it out on my daughter, maybe he's always had these urges, what if the sight of our daughter as she ages turns him on, what if he's too socially awkward to go out and get his needs met through a woman..." I would even give him permission to sleep with other women if the opportunity arose, just to keep him from developing a need for satisfaction with our daughter. I feel sick even talking about this. Why does this have to be so prevalent????
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Avatar universal
I know it is late and all to reply. If anyone else reads this with similar concerns: Get some spy cameras up in case you need to gather evidence, if something happens. Teach your daughter protective behaviors about people not touching her and she not touching them in the various private parts, and teach her about secrets being wrong and to always tell you immediately (or someone else she trusts) if someone asks her to keep a secret or engage in touching. If you split up he might ask for 50/50 custody then she is out of your sight, out of your protection. But mothers have an instinct.

Tell us, what did become of all of this??
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
I think teaching our kids when to speak up and how to protect themselves is great advice.  It's unfortunate though that predators are so good at reeling in and grooming victims.  Anyway, thanks for posting!  Comb back and visit the forum more often!
480448 tn?1426948538
Great post, sm.

No one here told the OP not to protect her child, quite the contrary, just different levels of urgency and assessment of the details were provided.

It's never helpful to spend time away from the OP by critiquing others' posts.  Everyone gives advice differently, and not everyone will always agree with the other advice given.  Trying to enter into a debate is fruitless, and not helpful to the OP.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think you've gotten awesome advice that differs and you'll have to follow up in your own way.  Know that I too am a mother and care very much about my children and any child that would be made to suffer in any way.  Perhaps some help and advise from a trusted friend that knows all parties would be helpful.

Again, feel free to contact me any time.  I do have some experience with these situations.  peace
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
@Anon755, listening to these people without taking the steps to protect your child is going to leave you with regrets. These people I am sure mean well, and they will sleep well regardless of what happens to your child. You have seen the signs and know the situation. You are suspecting this behaviour is wrong. Do what you have to to protect your girl.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Although I am sure that you and SM mean well, but the truth is real men do not do this type of thing ever

Real men don't do what?

There is simply NO evidence from this thread that there is ANYTHING going on.  Both sm and I advised the OP to be vigilant and act upon anything that she isn't comfortable with.  I also told her if she would prefer to, to make a report to CYS and let them figure it out.

You gave your advice, we gave ours.  There is just NO way ANY of us on an online forum can make a determination either way...certainly there is no indication that a split second moment that the OP isn't quite sure of what she saw is a reason to jump to massive conclusions.

This is from the OP:


". It happened in a split second, but what I saw was him bending his head down and to the side looking at her butt/private area as she was up on all fours on the table innocently playing with some legos. He looked back as if to see if anyone was there/watching/could see him. I just kept walking past, in shock but not wanting to make an issue or shame him needlessly."

"split second"...and him looking back could very well have been because the OP walked through the room.  Sorry, going by the info given, there's just not enough to make such huge assumptions.  

Most of the "drama" in the OP came from the OP herself describing what she would do if she found out something was going on.  That was enough to raise the hackles of the people reading.  These kinds of posts have to be carefully dissected, with the facts and the fears differentiated.  Truth of the matter is, there isn't much as far as facts go.  In that split second, if the OP made this into something it isn't, it would be a shame to overreact and make such an amazingly HUGE accusation, based on so little.

OP...again, as a mom, your job is to protect your child.  When in doubt, if you're unsure what to do, then contact the proper authorities.  You asked for advice, you got some varying viewpoints.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Professionally, I'm a mandatory report and I would say that I would tell the poster to investigate before acting in the form of kicking him out.  

I'm sure the poster knows that we are all just members here giving our best advice.  Good luck to the poster and if you'd like to discuss further, please feel free to contact me.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
So what will your advice be when the inevidable happens? This lady mentioned several points that warrant concern. Although I am sure that you and SM mean well, but the truth is real men do not do this type of thing ever. The flag has been raised. I am sure she would rather not risk her daughters well being over an amateur Dear Abby.
She should take the warnings and run with it. Better to be safe than sorry. The signs are there.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
My blanked out word would be p e d o p h i l e

WHY that would be an edited word is beyond me.  Grrrr.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I would be more concerned by the thought processes of the OP than I would be the description of the behavior.  

I too totally agree with SM that this warrants close observation and a watchful eye.  I don't see anything indicating the need for a severe reaction right now.  Other than the witnessed behavior, which was VERY brief and impossible to make any calls about...here are the other concerns from the OP:

he is 6 years younger than me, and only had one brief girlfriend/sexual encounter before me. I had a "normal" amount of dating and sexual encounters I guess you could say. I know he feels curious and like he "missed out" sometimes  (This means nothing and is not uncommon at all)

-he was HIGHLY awkward/insecure sexually for the first 6 years of our relationship (Again, not uncommon, especially considering the first item)

-he used to make these crazy jokes at his father when he and his siblings were all together about him being a "*********", it was like he was just teasing him and trying to be funny. He does have a strange sense of humor, but this was just weird to me.  (Without knowing what the *'ed out word is, it's hard to comment on this one...but again, nothing hugely worrisome here)


-before we had kids, if one of my nieces would walk around in their underwear (say 2-5 years of age) he would become very uncomfortable, refuse to look at her and tell me later he didn't like it when they walked around "naked" like that. I think if you're a secure and confident man, you won't get so highly disturbed by the sight of a half naked baby/small child  (Some people would feel this way, if it wasn't their kid.  I personally always thought that it was weird or odd to see a naked child around a large group of people, and I'm not a *********)


-his brother once commented years ago in front of the family that my husband used to "experiment" with their little sister (yeah, the family is a little strange to say the least, they are good people just blurt out strange things at strange times)  (This one is probably the most "weird"....and it's coming from another person...more of a reflection on his family, not him.)


If you break it down, the most I get out of it is that her BF may be a strange, socially awkward guy.  Like sm said, that doesn't equate to being a ********* in any way.

OP...if you are concerned enough, you can always make a report and let CYS investigate, but as it stands right now, I think you're possibly overreacting based on one VERY unclear event and a bunch of stuff that really has no relation to the behavior of a child predator.  Actually, SM is right again in that MOST pedophiles are actually very comfy and charming around children.

It goes without saying that if you DO see any concrete evidence, you need to act at once.  If you DID find out that he was being innappropriate with your child, you would have to remove him from her life completely.  YOUR feelings about him and about your relationship would have to be put aside.

Good luck!



Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
I agree with specialmom that it does not warrent a high state of concern but just keep an eye out. Sometimes all people in all walks of life say and do stupid things. No matter what age a person is the little child is still there and does pop up occationally.
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Avatar universal
Your instinct should lead you to protect your daughter, you are posting here to have others provide that self assurance. From what I have read, you already know what you must do. I am sure that others that have provided advice on this topic will sleep fine when the issue goes south. Go with your gut and protect your daughter.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, I am not naive and always in kids corners.  I'm well versed in predator behavior and I think telling a woman that has only written what she has here to leave her husband immediately is not good advice.  Good luck to the poster.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This does not seem to be an isolated incident or you would not be sharing as much information as you have. You have had your doubts prior to this incident and this is the straw that broke the camels back.
For the goods of your daughter, you have to do what is right and that is leaving this man immediatley.
Specialmom makes some good points, but do not let her naivetity sway you now for something you will regret later.
Do not be the person a few years from now wondering what if. Do what your gut is telling you and get as far away as you can as fast as you can.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, I would not panic.  In truth, there is a pattern with predators that involves something called 'grooming' which is quite different than being awkward around kids.

Anychance she quickly climbed up on the table and he was sitting there and hadn't moved back yet?  (honestly, why was she playing on all fours on top of a table?).  

While he does seem to have an odd family for sure, that does not a incestual pedaphile make.  Could be and I certainly would watch carefully but would not at this point go straight to that point.  

Many posts here that seem to be panicky and what you've written in my opinion does not warrent that state of high concern but rather being watchful to the situation.  

Again, look up profiles of those that are predators.  They are actually quite comfortable with kids and charming around them.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I return to say to You - My CAPS are NOT yelling at You.  My caps are ALWAYS meant for emphasis.  I still HOPE and PRAY that You realize here that Your Daughter is the MOST important element, that Your "Love" for Him should not be "greater" than Your concern for Your Daughter.  I realize that there is "denial" in all things - BUT!!  You CANNOT Risk The Safety Of Your Daughter!! - You, He, has choices - Your Little Daughter does not!!  She is at the mercy of whatever YOU expose Her to!!  Your Daughter MUST  Have YOUR Priorty.  
Please Keep Us Posted!!
Good Luck and Regards,
LeeAnn
Helpful - 0
1145691 tn?1291478338
I agree with TTink, if you dont remove your daughter from this situation and the unspeakable happens.. It's TOO LATE!!
How old is your daughter may I ask?
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Avatar universal
I TOO THINK YOUR CONCERNS ARE GROUNDED!!

Above all else, You MUST protect Your Daughter!!

I don't agree with You, that "all" men, even "good" men become "confused by" and "distort" desires that "lead" to "inappropriate behaviors"

MANY Men ARE virile yet STILL would NEVER think of/look at CHILDREN in a sexual way!!

This is a HUGE  and AND this is very, very WRONG!!

I am DEEPLY disturbed that You would be "WILLING" to give Him "permission" to sleep with other Women just to keep Him from "developing" a "need" for "satisfaction" with Your Daughter" !!??

I feel outraged at that statemen from You!!  In the sense that I feel if You so much as "suspect" any danger toward Your Daughter, well then, Your JOB is to REMOVE Your Daughter from "potential" harm!!

Please, Above All Else, PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER!!



If You suspect ANY possibility that this man(?) has a problem with Children
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
There are so many red flags in your post,  anon,  I don't know where to begin.  It's hard to tell exactly what you saw with your daughter on the table,  so I'm just going to let that go because there's enough other stuff to discuss.

First,  I think it's very odd for a typical man  to talk a lot about how disgusting child molesters are.  I don't think typical men with adult sexual urges give it a lot of thought unless they are put in a situation and have to serve on a jury,  or have molestation thrust into their lives some other way.  

It's strange to me also that he was uncomfortable with a child walking around in underwear.  That's odd.  If he's not turned on by that,  it wouldn't be so distressing to him.  

And the close of your post causes me concern,  too.  A man who desires a little child isn't going to be satisfied playing the field with lots of grown women.  

It sounds from the tone of your post that you are very concerned in general with child molesters,  they are top on your mind and you in fact don't trust men in general,  so it's very ironic that with all the worrying you've done it appears to me you may very well have married and had a baby with a p.edophile.  

I think your concerns are grounded.
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