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My boyfriend keeps referring to his ex as his wife...at the time

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years and recently combined households.  He has been divorced for about 2.5 years and has a 6 yr old daughter who lives with us 50% of the time.  He was suspicious that his ex-wife cheated on him with a co-worker and now currently lives with him.  He regularly refers to his ex as "my wife...at the time" with hesitation of the "at the time" part.  I have noticed this very often and told him this bothers me as I feel that he still has some type of ownership to her as his wife.  He did not accept this very well and got angry at me accusing me of not accepting his past.  I know that we all have pasts, although I have never been married before.  He has even gone as far as explaining what his ex-wife's engagement ring was like and has shared memories of her being pregnant with their daughter.  I have explained to him that I don't need or want to know these details and he, again, got angry with me about not accepting his past as a part of him.  Is this normal for men to constantly refer to their exes with ownership, as "their wife" or "my wife" when they are apparently explaining a story already in the past tense?  I personally feel that he's not over her, even though he claims she has done him wrong and he is completely over her.  Please help give me some perspective.  Am I over reacting? or am I reading the signs correctly?
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Avatar universal
1. When a party agrees to how they wish to be treated and discuss what is acceptable and not acceptable and to what degree leniency is given based on the situation, ill feelings of insecurity, doubt, etc should not exist. Relationships are largely founded on communication and mutual respect, even where there are instances in which one person upsets the other -- whether intentional or unintentionally.

2. Telling someone they are overreacting, when they have not had an excited emotional utterance or have not responded in an uncivil manner is rude and reductive of their existence. Today we live in a much more complex world -- 7 years have gone by and a large amount of broken people are surfacing, mental health concerns have peaked governmentally.

Expressing concern of the words that one uses to communicate regarding the standing of relationship management is not overreacting or being jealous; these words are too often used to dismiss the concerns of one individual and validate another based on the responder's personal experience, gender, upbringing, beliefs, etc. If you feel the need to vociferate your value after you've already shown your value in actions, then the other person is stuck in the past. It's not your responsibility to wake them, to make them realize your value and vice versa. To say that you may just be a stand in or replacement for the things in life they don't want to deal with, would be going to far...however, in dealing with someone who has disclosed prior relationship commitments, WYSIWYG. You will not be playing second or third fiddle, you are last even when you do the most. Listen to your intuition. Just as women can be mischievous when it comes to the almighty dollar, men can be too. They may not have to pay child support but that doesn't mean that they aren't using you to pay figurative child support... just so that we are clear: this means:

Using your stability or exploiting your abilities to have their own personal allowance that means "freedom" to them (this is genderless). They will give you the bare minimum/their leftovers and glorify it to make it seem like value but will continue to disrespect your standards/views/beliefs.

Trust is very important in relationships and we are taught that words do hurt that we must speak with care and consideration if we expect to be treated as well as we treat others. Those are a part of the golden rules and that will never change. For people to reduce themselves to the point of ignoring these things for the sake of their own emotional baggage or just wanting to "win" or "be right about something" because they are pretty much just amoral people without a conscience due to greed, selfishness, denial, etc., is not okay.

I sincerely hope that you were able to resolve your issues with a positive outcome and that your concerns were at some point well received. In any other case I hope you are healthy and well.

Additionally I hope whoever hits this search, gets a broadened perspective regarding relationship commitments where one partner has been previously married and has a child, in which multiple relationships have to be managed and much consideration is required in establishing new commitments. It may just be too much, which is why, presently, in 2021 -- those relationships are on the downward trend and essentially mechanisms for financial survivability.
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Avatar universal
I can't know what is in your boyfriend's heart.  I can only speak as a man divorced now for three years who still occasionally refers to my ex as "my wife" in certain contexts.  There are still some hurtful marital issues that linger, but for the most part, my divorce was very amicable and I feel very liberated and happy and have no desire to resume a relationship with my ex.    When I refer to my ex as "my wife", it's always in the context of some topic or issue we were involved with together, and so either out of habit or brevity, I just say "my wife" and presume it's obvious I'm talking about my ex-wife or my wife "at that time". Sometimes, it just seems unnecessarily negative to clarify my "ex-wife" or silly to clarify my wife "at that time".  

To make the point, let's talk about a former boss.  I can say "When I worked for XYZ company, my boss was great". I don't have to say "my ex-boss" or "my boss at that time" as it's understood.   To me, when I say "I went to Disneyland in 2005 with my wife and kids", it's clear I'm talking about my ex-wife.   Maybe I, and possibly men in general, are more logical than emotional, but saying I went with "my ex-wife" is not technically accurate as she wasn't my ex at that time and saying "my wife, at that time, and kids" just seems that I'm having to work too hard to make the point that I'm no longer married to that person.  

So, I think it's quite possible that a man can use that phrase and mean nothing by it.

This might be one of those differences between the way men and women think in that a man just doesn't get what all the fuss is about and a woman can feel very hurt or confused.  

Yes, your boyfriend can learn to catch himself and not use those phrases, but I can tell you from experience that it's hard to do and even a well-meaning guy will slip.  If you have insecurities about what he is feeling in his heart, I don't see how him changing his words will help you feel better-- it just means he's being careful about what he's saying-- it is not a reflection on what he's still feeling, or still *not* feeling.  Point is, if you're worried that much about his choice of words rather that what he says he feels or the way he treats you, then there may be other issues there that are at the real root of the concerns.

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Avatar universal
I think that you are over reacting, by his choice to use the words "my wife at that time", instead of saying "my ex-wife." Also, If he is referring to a story in the past, it would make sense to refer to her as his "wife at that time." With that being said,  I can completely understand why this upsets u,  bc u want to have that title of  his "wife". This reminds me of how I used to feel, before my husband and I had a child together. I never worried myself with the "wife" thing, bc my husband proposed to me very early in our relationship. However, we did not get married for 4.5 years after the proposal. (He just wanted me to know that he did intend to marry me!)  my issue was that my husband had 3 children from previous marriages, and I wanted another baby. (I also had a child from a previous marriage.)  I would always get the excuse that he wasn't ready to have another child, and I was jealous that the other women had children with him, but I couldn't.  Even after we were married, we waited a year, before we got pregnant. (Obviously, not by my choice! Lol) when u really love someone, u want to feel that u are as important to them, as they are to you.  I do feel that men show their feelings differently than we do, and we think of marriage as a symbol of love. Which, it is, in a way, but a man doesn't necessarily get all "gooey" over thinking about marriage, like we do. And he is probably waiting a little longer to marry you, bc he wants to make sure that it is going to be right this time! Does he ever talk about marrying you?  To me, that's the important  question. Bc my husband says that a man definitely knows within the first year, if he wants to marry you or not. So, u need to ask yourself if he truly loves u and plans to spend the rest of his life with you, at some point. Or, if you are simply a convenience for him, since u obviously take good care of his daughter and the "wife duties" around the house.
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Avatar universal
Thank you specialmom!  I have absorbed all pieces of advice and am putting them into observations to soak it all in.  I truly have a ton of love in my heart and want to pursue a future with him and his daughter.  I just don't want to settle for less then my worth as a person.
I wish you all a very very Happy New Year!!! and many blessings to you and your families!
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I think he also owes you some explanations.  Frankly, you sound like a good catch!  You pay your way, you work hard for a nice home, you love his daughter, you really love him.  But he doesn't put you in the 'spot' you want to be in and it still feels like she is above you to him because they were once married.  I would want that rectified and to know where he thinks your future is headed.  

good luck
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Avatar universal
Thank you TTinKKerBBell.  I really appreciate your perspective!  I may be wayyyy too oversensitive to the semantics.  I have thought about having a partner who has never been married or has children.  I was definitely keeping my options open when I met my bf so I didn't want to pass over the chance to fall in love.  I think there is an element of what specialmom is saying.  It does irk me that I've got all of the responsibility and don't feel like I'm getting the "reward" of becoming his wife.  Especially when his ex never held up her share of their relationship when they were together and is still barely doing it as a mom.  Don't get me wrong...their daughter loves her mom and her BASIC needs are met, so she's a great babysitter.  Their daughter has even tried to call me mom, but I continually reinforce that she does have a mom who loves her very much, but that I do love her very much.  Definitely NOT trying to impose on THAT level.  I absolutely respect that boundary to the Nth degree.  But I feel like he bent over backwards for her even before they were married and let her run her own roost and then holds me to different standards.  I am a different person and I met him at a different part of his life.  I do feel like he overcompensates for his past with her with his opposite standards.  

I do work full time (fate TBD) and I do pay a portion of the "rent" and pay for ALL of the groceries and additional household items.  I do most (95%) of the cooking and cleaning because I do like a nice home and cooking is an expression of my love for both of them.  Every day, I make everyone's breakfast and lunch, including his daughter who has a severe dairy allergy.  I still own my condo and am renting it out, so I do have my own assets.

Thank you all very much!  I do owe him an apology and some explanations.  
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Avatar universal
"ex wife" means the same thing as "my wife at the time".  His choice of words may not be identical to Your choice of word - and Your choices may vary as well in conversations.  They are simply words.  I think You are being overly sensitive about His use of words and He likely felt You were 'knit picking' about His past.  I think it would be a mistake to make an issue of this.

I happen to agree with Him that His memories are part of who He is and He should be able to share those without You feeling insecure.  If You feel insecure about such things You should have a Partner who has never been married and who doesn't already have Children.

I agree with SpecialMom;
The important thing is where is THIS relationship going?  
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is one of the reasons why I'm leery of women moving in with a man.  You live like husband and wife but without the security.  Question though, does he pay for the house payment or do you help?  I'd want that in my name as well as his or you have left yourself with no stake in it (or really future obligation if things go bad).  If he IS paying the house, he may have expectations that you do things like clean more, etc.  Not totally fair if you work full time.  The structure of who does what, who pays what, etc. is something that people should openly talk about.

The other aspect to living together is that your finances are still separated.  I actually lived like that married for a bit as I was older when I married and I had my own assets, debt, income and my husband had his.  Then we had our first child and I left my career and we combined all of our finances.  Once we did that, we had to be a team.  It actually made us more tied together and closer even with the financial challenges every couple faces (living on one income especially).  But you two are still separate.  Your car blowing should be a family problem.  Not just your problem if you are truly a couple.  

He's not thinking that way yet and that would indeed bother me.  

When you get married, it is for better or worse.  things happen.  If my husband became ill (heaven forbid)---  I would have to step up to the plate and try to make things work out for us financially.  Or if he lost his job (as you may in February).  You work together.  One persons issue is both of your issues and you support each other, pick up slack when you have to, do what you can to help.  If one side of the ship goes down (yours), it brings down the other (his) so his side has to help your side stay afloat.  And not in a ticked off kind of way but in a 'we're in this together kind of way:.  

Does that make sense?  I worry about the dynamic between you two.  

this issue with calling him calling his ex the wife would burn if he isn't acting like you are as important to his life as she WAS.  

Talk to him about things from that aspect.  Ask him his intentions regarding your relationship.  Tell him that you are feeling insecure.  You have to communicate!  
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Avatar universal
Thank you!  I need some different perspectives on this, as I'm struggling with it.  A little background.  They had been engaged for almost 5 years (as she never mentioned planning a wedding) and then got pregnant so they went down to the courthouse merely for a financial decision for insurance coverage.  Then were only technically married approx 2 years.  I have been trying soo hard not to be hurt or upset by semantics, however it just feels like he's hanging on the "wife"part and the lingo more then I've ever heard anyone before.  I feel like there are other ways to address your "wife...at the time" ie. ex, ex-wife, her name, etc.  So maybe I'm getting hung up on the semantics of it?  It just feels like he's got ownership of her as HIS wife...at the time instead of putting her in a true past tense.  My concern comes with the fact that he puts the "wife" part first (always, not just sometimes) instead of referring to her as a past part of his life.  

Did I mention that it's been an extremely tough year for me and my stress level about all of my uncertainties in life are at the very peak.  Which, I know, is also effecting his financial stress level.  Last Dec. my Dad (whom I'm very close with) was diagnosed with a rare liver cancer and has survived :), last Feb I incurred a large financial obligation.  I moved from my condo where I had comfortably been for 12 years to move in together in the house we picked out together and he bought. Once I recovered from that, I lost my job in June and have been working temp positions ever since.  3 weeks ago my engine blew and I had to replace my entire engine just 2 weeks before the Holiday.  Not to mention I had just refinanced all of my debt a month prior so finding the funds rendered a non-favorable solution, but a solution none the less.  In Sept I was hired on for a temp to hire position and I just found out that it has an expiration date for beginning of Feb.  So needless to say it's been a challenging year and I'm not feeling secure in any aspect of my life right now.  I know things will get better as I am working on that, but the financial strain on our relationship makes me feel like there will never be a proposal.  I am not a materialistic lady, I don't wear much jewelry and I have never had the "ideal ring" ever picked out in my head.  But HE is the one who has an idea of what the "next ring he buys" is going to be like and I'm just not worried about that.  I do just want the promise!  and I feel like I'm being held to all of the standards and terms of what a "wifey" should be and do but I'm not the wife.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
To me, I would not be hurt by this.  She WAS his wife at the time and it's like calling someone your mom or whatever.  It's how you refer to them in title and we often do it without even thinking.  Like when you call your older son your husband's name.  It just comes out as a habit.  

I would try not to be sensitive to this.  I would be upset though that he made HER his wife and didn't do that with you when you two combined households.  Wife is a status that means he is tying his life to someone.  

So, I'd ask him about that and what his intentions are.  :>)  good luck hon
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Avatar universal
THANK YOU for your tender words of wisdom.  I think you may be right on many levels.  He may be conveying his hurt through accusations of me not accepting his past.  This is not true, I live his past with him 50% of the time while I love and nurture his amazing daughter.  I have taken on many greater roles of the household then many people in girlfriend status.  Yes, I said it, girlfriend status.  Which I think validates your point of possible jealousy and frustration.  I can wholeheartedly say that I am not jealous of her (the person) but I would agree that there is some jealousy of her former status of his "wife" and frustration of not knowing if I will ever become his wife.

I will say that I am shocked that they lasted so long after hearing how toxic and damaging their relationship was.  He's a kind man and had admitted that he thought he was "saving" her to show her a better life but she, inevitably, resorted back to her life as she knows it.  So it's hard for me to connect any feelings he may still have for her.  I hear his side of the story with a 3 dimensional view, knowing there are always 2 sides to every story and know that it takes 2 people to make or break, however, I have seen/wittnessed occurrences that do validate his defense.  I have also seen his antagonism towards her (which has concerned me at times) and have tried to play the devils advocate in some situations to help make their co-parenting a little more civil and to try and bring a different awareness to the table.  
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi, always remember that the little boy will always pop up in men. They may appear adult but the child is right below the surface ready to pop up at any time.
I dont believe people in general never truely get over a hurt from a broken heart and lets face it, he was terribly hurt by this and had suspected her cheating as evidenced by them now living together. By him telling you that you dont accept his past life is really letting you know that he still has hurt and may stil have feeling for her. But he did have the strength to leave her but may take years to regain this strength back.

Your correct in also being hurt by hearing all of this but be patient and understanding and his love for you will grow.
I also sense that your may be a bit jeoulous of her and this maybe adding to your frustration.
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