How do I cope with the fact that my stepson has molested my daughter?

[junebug32]

I recently was informed that my stepson who is now 26 molested my daughter who is now 20 for 12 years of her life. I ask why she did not tell me and she said she was scared it would tear the family apart. This is extremely stressful on my marriage and family. I want to help my daughter anyway I can but I can not even begin to think about my stepson other than with hatred. He is currently in Prison for another crime and he will be released soon. I want no contact with him and I have twins that are 15 that will not have any contact with him but my husband will. My husband and I can not communicate on this because he states he will not talk about it anymore until his son gets out but I am thinking about it non stop. What can I do for my Marriage? What can I do for my daughter?

[kenneltech2]

I will tell you what I thought of my mother when she did nothing when I was molested.  I hated her.  I understand that you didn't know at the time, but you know now, and I would tell my husband that you demand talking about this because your daughter has been forever damaged by his obviously unlawful son.  And he needs to deal with his son instead of avoiding the situation all together.  I don't know the  dynamics of your marriage, but your step son sounds like he was a spoiled brat, and your husband is being pretty selfish by not considering you and your daughters feelings.   After being a victim of molestation, I will tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes, I would leave him under no uncertain terms.  Let him live happily ever after with his delinquent son.  I had a daughter and if anybody, and I don't care HOW much I loved him, did anything to her, they would be gone in a heartbeat.

[Justhandsome]

For the sake of your daughters I would end the marriage, or else this WILL happen again, and then you will be mortified, God bless you

[pamodgal1982]

What Are know It hard to Be raped By A member of Your family Just Because you get To see that Person everyday.when You see him All the Scares Come by As if it Was yesterday.I just Think you must Make a way For your Daughter and Your step son to not see each other antil Your Daughter get the Healing She Deserve.I know  What I'm talking about.I just Feel your daughter pain.I Pray She Could Heal soon.you must separate Your 15 Years Daughter from your step son.

[RockRose]

If I were in your place,  I think my biggest concern in all of this would be that the girl felt her place was so insecure in her family that she couldn't tell or the family would fall apart,  and it in fact would have - but that's not the worst thing in the world.  That's where you need to start with healing her - she "took one for the team" for 12 long grueling years - most of her life - and she thought that would be the best thing for the family,  or she would have told you.  

Sometimes I think blended families should have a social caseworker assigned to them.  This is awful what happened to your daughter,  and awful that she thought her place was just to take this abuse.  

The fault of this doesn't lie completely with the abuser - he was at the very most 14 at the time,  and most likely much younger.  Some of the fault lies with the family structure where he was able to do this for 12 years and the family dynamic permitted it.  

I think your family needs to be torn apart,  actually.  

I know this is painful for you.  I know you are asking yourself all the time WHY DIDN'T YOU FEEL SAFE TELLING ME?  It's time to show her that she has power,  and your family dynamic was twisted against her.  

[Zensekai]

I'm going to be very human with you, because I don't think there is a very good sciencey answer in your situation. I feel for you.

I deal with child groomers/predators online as part of my job. I notice they all self destruct outwardly and are full of self hate. I used to think they were big scary monsters, but after seeing them I see they are also people, very disturbed and tortured, but just people.

I imagine this boy has endured some kind of trauma and pain that he is now in the stages of passing on to others, unaware of himself and lost in this hateful anger/need to control others. Sexual abuse is never about the victim.

Thankfully the two of you, daughter and mother, seem strong that you two can end the cycle of pain now that it has reached the both of you.

In doing so, you may even be able to reach the step son. Sadly I don't think everybody heals from these things within their lifetime enough that they can let go of their burning self hate and not re-offend, people in pain can be very stubborn like that and shut out any attempts by the outside world to help them.

I've talked with some women I know about their experiences with sexual abuse. At some point, I believe they have had to let go of their role of being a victim in order to move past this happening.
Some of them are my long time friends, so your post hits home for me.
I was hesitant to reply here, considering I am not a therapist, but I hope you can trust that things are always OK, no matter how it turns out.
Hate and mistrust are so taxing on your own mind/spirit, and they're easy to spread to future generations unless dealt with.

[Nighthawk61]

So obviously he cannot ever come back to your home.You'll have to stand your ground. You'll have to get your daughter into therapy asap, if not already. Your other daughters must also be educated about this type of criminal act. If we are taking about a 20 year old man taking advantage of his 10 year old step sister. If it were me, i would not be able to guarantee that I would not seek a criminal conviction. Anything else does not give your daughter a sense of closure. This 29 year old needs help. He needs to deal with what he's done. Otherwise it's enabling.

I'm glad you've found a forum to help you deal with this. Welcome to Medhelp.

[BluCrystal]

If this were me, I would think of my own children above all else.  That includes marriage, under these circumstances.  I would not be able to stand my own husband having any contact with a child molester, son or not.  I would have to take my kids and leave - let him have his contact by himself.  But that's just me.