My boyfriend sleeps with his 8 yr old son what do I do?

[Peffercorn]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years.  We moved in together 2 months ago. I have a 2 year old and he has an 8 year old. My 2 yr old sleeps in her own room and has a bedtime  yet his 8 yr old son does not have a bedtime and my boyfriend sleeps with him in his bed while I'm in the master alone. When we have sex it's after his son falls asleep or real quick in the shower. Then it's a kiss and good night going our separate ways. He says give it time that he doesn't want his child to resent me but how much time? This is so not good for our relationship. I feel sad every night at bedtime.

[Susanaxlemus]

I am exactly on the same situation you are in. My husband sleeps with his 10 yr old daughter. Every weekend that we have her. I don’t get it. I co slept with my son until he was 4. I just don’t see the need for my husband doing this. After 3 years I finally mentioned it and we had a big argument. Apparently I’m wrong. Sorry but I don’t see it. Sleep with your wife not your kid.

[specialmom]

In some countries, co sleeping goes on for a very long time.  :>)  There is no right or wrong.  I believe it usually naturally works itself out when kids want to separate from their parents due to wanting their own life.  Around 12 to 14, they begin to not want to hang with us as much.  But until then, this is what they do and you won't win by trying to step in.  If he doesn't have her that much, maybe just give them some time to hang out without you around which is what most kids crave with their parent when they are divorced.  Then you can come in and do something fun with them later or whatever. This is usually short lived.  good luck

[Beautiful_Disaster_79]

No way Jose. The child needs to learn to be independent and sleep through the night in his own bed. Patenting does not mean you have to give up on your own personal time for 8 years! Where is the intimacy? Where does a partner fit in? There's a balance and teaching a child to sleep in their own bed at night is not a lot to ask. I have two children whom I love and adore but I also know that dating and having a romantic relationship is important. People let kids run the show way too much these days. If the guy cares for you, he will understand the importance of setting boundaries.

[specialmom]

I believe in setting boundaries for sure.  But all families have to decide what is best for them.  I would think it wrong to get involved with a man who had kids from a prior marriage and begin critiquing and judging their parenting situation.  In some countries, the family bed is the norm.  In some countries where there is great poverty, there is but one bed in the whole home.  Those kids grow up to be independent adults.  :>)  I don't sleep with my kids and never have (even when infants or toddlers) but have friends who do and they are as normal of a family as we are with my ways of parenting.  I think it gets tricky when you try to blend parents and a new relationship feels your kid is a burden.  I also really think most kids naturally gravitate to being independent and wanting separation around 12 to 13.  This is a limited time problem.  And is not at all indicative of a future of being dependent on their parent.  Sleeping is a habit.  We get in the habit of if someone is in bed with you. And when they aren't and you are used to it, it feels weird and is hard to sleep.  I'm that way with my husband.  He isn't always great to sleep with because he makes snorkeling noises and has a right leg like a tree trunk that gets dumped on me and I have to jostle him back over to his side.  But none the less, I'm used to sleeping with him and when he is not there, it's hard for me to sleep.  Anyway, there are definitely two sides of thought on this issue and it is a very American thing to be anit co kid sleeping.  

[Susanaxlemus]

I 100% agree with what you said.

[Londres70]

You are worried about being alone in the master bedroom and when/where you are having sex?  Sounds like your bf is doing his best to manage all this and above all he is thinking about the relationship between his son and you.  If you moved in and then his dad immediately started leaving him alone to sleep in his bed to be with you his son would probably start to resent the situation and YOU and possibly start acting out.  Do you WANT to deal with that?  He is leaving you alone in the master because you are an adult and he feels you can better understand the reason why you are being left alone vs. a young child, e.g. his son.

"What do I do?"..............Be patient.  You just moved in and your bf asked you to give it some time.  Changes aren't easy for a young child, in fact, that can be very scary.  He (your bf's son) has to get used to you and your daughter living in the home.  These adjustments don't happen overnight and two months isn't a long time in my opinion.  People don't adjust at the same pace.  ONE adjustment at a time and SLOWLY for the sake of his son, your relationship with his son and the relationship with your bf.

If you can't respect your bf's request and/or you don't like your bf's parenting skills then perhaps you should rethink your living arrangements OR even the relationship.

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree that 8 years old is still very young.  My son has night anxiety and often comes in to sleep with us.  It gets in our way as a couple but we are completely in agreement that our son not be left terrified in his room just so we can have some "us" time.  We assume he will grow out of it, but this is his reality now.  Sorry your boyfriend did not raise his child exactly the way you did, but that is life.  You either love the man exactly the way he comes, or you move on to someone new that you can love the way he comes.

[specialmom]

It's hard.  However, a child does deserve the full attention of their parent.  8 years old is still a little kiddo.  And this is between dad and child.  I wouldn't disrupt that.  This might not be a good relationship for you at this time because he has other serious obligations.  good luck

[Caleah1994]

Foreal I like what you said chima ^stop being selfish .

[Chima7]

You must've known about this before you moved in. Did you think that they were going to completely change their whole dynamic for you that they've been used to for the last 8 years before you came along?

You should know since you're a parent that parenting styles vary from person to person. A parent who gets involved with another parent is obligated to determine whether their existing parenting styles are compatible or if they are just way too different and won't work together. It's your obligation as a parent to consider this with every person whom you get involved.

It's not just about you and the boyfriend. When you have kids then you are obligated to consider how that boyfriend and his existing family will work out or not work out with your family.

It's not fair to your kids or his kids to expect them to totally give up the family dynamic they had before their lives were totally disrupted by this move. So his kid needs more coddling than yours does, so what? At least he's a good dad who is trying to make sure his kid is comfortable. That's a lot more than a lot of other guys would do.

So, if you can't handle how he parents his kid then you need to leave. It's not your place to tell him to change everything for you. His kid comes first before you. His kid's comfort and needs come before you and your kid. That's how it should be. If you can't accept that then you need to accept that this relationship will never work out.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Your question:

What do I do?

Answer:

You do nothing.  

This belongs to Them.   If You can't accept this (without complaint), You should move on.

This is/was Your Red Flag.  Red Flags are meant to be acknowledged.
Definition of Red Flag:  Accept this as part of Your life
OR move on  -
it does N O T  mean:  move in anyway and then try to change what You don't like.

I guarantee trouble if You try to change Their dynamic that was in place LONG before You entered the picture - nor should He try to 'change' anything regarding Your relationship with Your Daughter