redvelvet1804,
First, please remain calm and try to comparmentalize your own emotion as you go through this with your son. I am going to speak frankly, and use terminology that may make you blush, but it is not intended that way. It is simply a method of communicating with your son using clinical terms to start then when he seems confused, change to "boy talk" about some things. Again, do not freak out: your son is neither a monster nor a freak.
This needs to be a conversation that is in a place where he feels some comfort, and perhaps even a little control. This is NOT an interrogation. The place also needs to be private because there will likely be tears. Let him know, at some point, men cry. US Marines cry. Crying, on occasion, is a form of stress relief and has a way of cleansing the conscience.
Start out by reassuring him that you love him without limit and with no conditions, save maybe sneaking the last bit of ice cream. Yes, some light heaerted, juvenile humor is proof that you are not going to hate him. Then warn him kindly that you will be asking many questiins to which you already know the answers, but that you will not telk him when you ask them as they arelate control questions. Reassure him again, that regardless of the answers, you are going to do your best not to become angry. (Have snacks and drinks with you too.) Remember, you are asking questions, so do not ask leading questions. A leading questions provides details that you want him to provide. For example do not ask, "Do the day you wore your lime green sweater and tore, that was not a bike ride?" Also, true stories will vary slightly in every telling. Expect inconsistencies, and come back for clarifications in a natural way. Praise him for being honest and being enough of a man to own what he has done. Also be honest with him, if there are things that are crimes, you want to get ahead of them. He is likely going to need an attorney. Let the attorney recommend a physician. This must all be done before you speak to other parents, a physician, teachers, or the police.
I also recommend a 100% physical of your son, top to bottom, including an exam for rectal tearing. That is not as bad as it sounds, unless someone was very brutal. Ordinary anal penetration can leave some scars. It will be unpleasant, but it may be important later.
Now you need to ask the folliwing:
- exactly, and with whom he did what
- exactly where, the precise spots, these incidents occurred
- determine if it was mutual experimentation if the others were within a year or three of his age
- was it just him and one other person during the encounters
- get names, and contact info for each potential person
- ask if he ever physically forced the other person to participate
- find out where the incidents occurred and under what conditions
- was he babysitting, or was he bring babysat
- was he helping with a younger class at church
- was it the siblings of his friends
- what did he tell them afterwards, was it threats it was it, "...that was fun, we can do this again..."
- get specifics on every piece of clothing: old, new, shoes, socks, underwear, colors, brands, etc
- get the specifics of the room or other areas where the events occurred,time, weather, what was eaten, did they have soft drinks
- when was the very first time he and someone else did anything like this
- control question - does he masturbate - set aside religious beliefs - he is 13 and experimenting - he is jacking, rubbing one off, choking the chicken etc. Please, tell him that is part of puberty. Then telk him to use paper towels and not clothing or linens. Also, no porn. His imagination will have to suffice. Do not tell him his ****** will fall off, he will go blind, hair will grow on his palm, or that he is going to Hell. You were once a teenager, even girls do it. A Masters & Johnson study/survey from the mid 1950's found that 80% of males first masturbated by age 14, 18% by age 16, 2% lied. Girls were 60% by age 14, 24% by 16, 7% by 18, and the rest lied. They know they lied because of control questions in the survey.
- is he experimenting with boys and girls - asked with no judgment whatsoever, despite religious beliefs
- if both, which interests him the most - this may help identify the gender if he was molested
- ask if he really did something he swore he did not do such as breaking something in the house, smile a tiny bit when you ask - this is a control question
That is about all you want to ask for now. Let him talk and let him ask questions. Some you answer and some you do not. Age of your first crush, first kiss, OK. Date of first sexual touching NYOB, and say there are some things a lady does not discuss. If he has general body and anatomy questions answer them honestly. Firm but kind about 'your' body specifics. Though, you are his mother and you can ask and he will answer.
When you get finished, take a,moment to make notes, but they are only yours. Decline to answer any questions about the conversation(s) with your son and any possibility of notes. Keep in mind, the attorney represents your son not you. Be careful not to share your notes with him.
Be very careful and very deliberate with your questions. Be very direct and very frank, but maintain that calm demeanor. This conversation will likely be the most important one the two of you will ever have. A calm conversation will help him tons more than ranting and raving. Oh, asking 'why' is not going to get you any answers. Curiosity and it felt good are the only trutul responses. It is OK to tell him you completely understand, but you will have more conversations about appropriate actions and partners.
If dad is not the calm sort, be wary about how you relay this to him. Unless he is abusive, he has a right to know. Share this with him so that he understands to come at the situation with concern for everyone, but more importantly, with love for your son.
Feel free to contact me, if there is a way. I created a disposable email account when I signed up to respond. Having another adult with outside perspective will help you a lot. That I am a stranger avoids the judgment and any feelings of uneasiness you may have. I have been down this road a few times. Stay positive, but brace for a storm. Your son may lash out at first. Calm, love, and persistence will will overcome the storm surges.
I wish you, your son, your family, and all involved with this courage and strent to make it through to the other side stronger.
Will
Dear red velvet,
What ever you do, DON'T allow your child to watch porn.
He is sexually maturing physically, but emotionally he is not at all at a point of maturity. A young mind like that can not handle the over stimulation of (violent) porn. He does not have enough experience with life to be able to digest these violent images he sees when watching porn and doesn't know how to give them a place. Porn is a twisted way of showing sexuality. It is not at all like in reality. It is based on power abuse with one party being subjected while the other is having their way. This is a very bad example for a young mind and can make them sick. Try in any way to avoid your son being alone with a computer and internet at all times. And teach him about loving sexuality instead, by talking to him about it, that it is a voluntary act of love and intimacy between two people and doesn't have so much to do with power and control.
Love Shimra
When did he do these acts on the younger children? You said, "he is now 13". Find out exactly when and where these incidents happened, and which adults were in the vicinity when this was happening. If you know when he started to have these thoughts and feelings, and which people he was around when they started, you may have an idea of how it came about.
If there is no admission, on your son's part, of being molested, then he could have witnessed this behaviour somewhere. Or, it could just be the way his brain is wired. he could have been molested by his father or someone else.
You could also find out if your area has a sexual assault centre and make an appointment with a counselor. The acting out, other than sexually, is normal after a marriage breakup especially if one of the parents is not there physically or emotionally, or has addiction issues. I hope you get to the bottom of it. But of course, in the meantime, your son needs to be closely supervised and not left alone with any children.
I agree with the person who suggested you sit and ask him if he was molested and to continue therapy. He is still young, but when he reaches legal age, he could be prosecuted if caught molesting or raping a child. I know it must be scary, good luck.
Your son needs help, now, and should never be left alone with younger children. His sexual penetration of the other child should be brought to court as well, and that child should receive services so that he or she can heal. In addition to this, I think it is your responsibility as his parent to sit down with him, and with compassion and care, ask him if any adults or other children have ever touched him or hurt him. Be explicit about what you mean. If he says, collect the information and call CPS immediately, to report it. Whomever the culprit is in hurting your son should be investigated, in order to protect all children with whom he has contact.
And if the therapist suggests that it is in fact your husband molesting your son, I would press charges against him immediately.I would also keep your son away from any children whom he could victimize until you find out the proper way to handle this from a professional. Your son IS being abused by someone, you just need to know who it is.
Your son is showing the classic signs of being molested, and is acting his experience out on other children. The fact that your husband left for someone with a 7 year old doesn't look good. Until your son has had intensive psychotherapy, I would keep him away from your husband at all times.