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Just now thinking about this again and I need help finally working thru this.

When I was around 4 yrs old my make cousins who were 5 and 7 sexually abused and humiliated me.  Our mothers worked so we stayed together after school got out at their house and an elderly lady that lived next door checked on us.  My 5 yr old cousin was the worst.  He took my clothes one day and pushed me outside in front of alltheir friends one day.   They would not really make me touch them much but they did awful things to me.  This went on every day until summer.  We then stayed with our great aunt and uncle and I stuck with her like glue so the chances weren't there as much.  But when we would visit my granny we would go into get storm out and "play" because there was a bed in there so we could sleep during the bad storms.  The abuse escalated until my immediate family moved to another town. When we would visit for holidays and such they always found a way to get me alone to be able to do things to me or with me. As we grew olderthe oldest cousin kind of just started removing himself from the play time. He was very shy ad as he started thru puberty he didn't want to do things to me anymore. As I was getting older I started realizing how wrong it reAlly was for them to do these things to me. When I was around 13 we visited my granny and all of us grandkids spent the night. By this time there were 5 of us so it was hard to find enough places for us all to sleep. My mom their mom and grAnny never realized what would happen when they made me share a bed with the 2nd oldest cousin at these visits.  This night they put me and 2nd oldest cousin in bed together. Our family stayed up late in the kitchen after we were put to bed. The bedrooms were right off the kitchen so he couldn't try anything for fear of getting caught.  So it was late in the night before he tried anything.  I lay there all that time with the dread filling me and trying to figure out how to stop the abuse.  After the house finally quieted he tried his moved.  This was the first time he ever tried to have intercourse with me.  All the other times it was just playing or oral sex on me.  I was so scared we would be caught and I didn't know if I could get pregnant by doing it with him.  I lay there stuff as a board and terrified and he was laying on to of me when my granny suddenly got up to go to the bathroom.  She looked into the door because the stove light cast a dim light over us.  I was frozen and so aS he.  I am pretty sure my granny saw him on top of me because that was the last time they ever put us in the same bed. The playing dragged on and I would dread going to my granny' s house to see family.  I tried to make excuses to keep from being alone with him.  Most of the time it worked but sometimes it didn't and each time somehow he was not able to penetrate me before we could get caught and have to stop.  Finally when I was 16 My best friends had all had sex. And it became a game to see who they could set me up with to make my first time a good experience.  We all skipped school one day and we went to the river. It got close to time for us to be out of school and this guy's house we were at was about to have parents home so we all had to find other places to go.  Me and my best friend went over to an older guys house whom my friends thought would be a good first time for me.  I had no idea this was a set up and I was really attracted to this guy. Several of my friends had sex with him and I thought I was ready.  However when he started trying to have sex with me I completely freaked and started fighting him.  He forced me to do it and the whole time I'm screaming for my so called best friend to help me she is just trying to get me to relax and let him do it so he could be my first.  He was huge and ended up tearing me up reaLly bad.  I finally got awY after he was finished and went to the bathroom to clean myself up before going home.  I was bleeding horribly and I was so devastated when i went home bCause everyone was calling wAnting to know how it was.  I was humiliated and devastated that all my friends and even all the guys in my little click knew.  I begged my mom to let me stay out of school for the next two days because of my bad period and I was bleeding so badly.  She consented then on Monday got a call from the school that I had skipped class.  I was in big trouble and got grounded for a month. After I went back to school the guy was bragging to everyone in School about me and telling them I was a tease and then acted frigid.  After this I just didn't care anymore. I became very sexually active when I was 16.  Anyone I dated was from other schools or was older guys but I had sex with a lot of them.  I never went with anybody else from my school.  But Im sure I still had a bad reputation.  On a visit to granny s house my cousin tried to push sex on me when I was almost 17 and I finally told him no. I told him I could get pregnant because I was not on the pilll but I really was.  I got him so scared about us having a baby he finally left me alone.  During all this time he had a girlfriend that he was hAving sex with all the time so I don't know how he could still try to with me.  Every time I saw him till I was 18 He tried to convince me to.  I always tried to stay away from him.  I'm 48 and he is 49 now.  I still carry the shame with me to this day.  I feel like I should have done more to stop them but I didn't.  I feel like such a ***** after all I did when I waS young.  I finally was married at 20 and still am married to the same man and I have two grown boys. My husband asked me when we met how many men I had been with which was a home because he had been the worst man ***** around.  I told him 4 because those were the only ones?I really cared about so I only counted them besides the first. I told him about my first time and how bad it was.  I had been married before for a few months to an abuser but was luckily able to get away from him.  I really think he was my first true love.  I adore my husband now and we have always had a very fun exciting sex life.  But many times I was not able to have an?orgasm because this sick crap would pop into my mind at the worst possible moment.  It seems like I think of it more and more as I get older and face all my regrets.   What can I do to get they this?  I have been to therapy but I can't ever seen to get past all the issues with my mom and I just finally give up.  My mother and father divorced when I was 1 and I have a brother that is 6 mos younger than me.  My mother refused to let me see my father til I was 15 because she hated him so much.  I had a great step dad that was 15 yrs older than my mom and he was wonderful most of the time.  We had a great adult relationship too and my kids adored him until he committed suicide five yrs ago across the street from my house on his porch.  I'm sure my mother pushed him over the edge because she is so co-dependent and controlling.  We don't have a good relationship.  I see my cousins on the big holidays only since my granny has passed and we don't visit as much.  I believe my oldest cousin has regrets about what happened cause he always hugs my neck and says you know how much I love you; don't you?  He just seems remorseful.  During our growing up years my 2nd oldest cousin alwAys picked On me and was rough with me in for t of everyone.  He is the same now each time I see him.  He hurts me a lot when he tries to rough house with me now. He doesn't do it if my husband is around though.  I just need some peace and I can't seem to forgive them and move on with my life.  But really mostly I can't forgive myself.
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Avatar universal
You precious thing. Even after all these years of pain and regret and holding everything in, you are able to spill it out because you need help. Sexual abuse through family members is too common and happens so easily because we trust these family members and feel like we betray them if we confront them or "tattle." What happened to you was so very, very wrong. You were a victim. There is not guilt for you to own. No shame. YOU are amazing. Please keep trying! I hope it's ok that I'm praying for you and praying hard!
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134578 tn?1693250592
I suppose your therapist has pointed out to you that none of this is your fault, and the victim should not take on the blame that belongs to the abuser.  I would try to get away from the family, if you can.  Did you ever tell your husband how horrible these cousins were to you?  You don't have to tell him about your wild sex life between age 16 and 20, but he could help shield you from your cousin who is still so cruel to you and would certainly understand why you don't want to be around your family.  They set you up.  It's not your fault.
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Avatar universal
We live in a sick world and I am so sorry for your pain. You are not responsible for anything that happened and you need to remind yourself of this every time it pops in your head! You are the victim. Do not beat yourself up! Bad crap happens all the time and I am very sorry that this happened to you. God loves you and you are not to blame. Press on and focus on your husband and kids and refuse any feelings of guilt from sneaking in. Maybe your abusers do have regrets, but I personally would stay away from them. I would inform my family of what happened in the past and refuse to be in the same room with them, dredges up too much pain that you don't deserve. Good luck and God bless!
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