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HOCD or Bisexual/Lesbian? I can't tell anymore!
Hello! I am a teenager and dealing with, what I hope is, HOCD. I have never been diagnosed with pure OCD or anything, but I have generalized anxiety. As a young child, I could be quite obsessive about fires, choking, robberies in my house, and intruders. I also had to say goodnight to my mum until I didn't think any thoughts after or if someone talked to me after I said good night, I would have to say it again. I still do that today and I have to check the thermostat before I go to bed or I can't sleep at all. So that was just a bit of history. So here is my story.
I would like to start off by telling you that I am not against the LGBT community at all and I hope not to offend you! That's is not my intention of this post.
Alright, so when I was about 12 or 13, I can't remember, I went through a experimenting phase on the internet. This is included role play with other girls or watching videos of them kissing. This isn't my proudest moment, and I regret the decision I made. I don't know why I did this, but I feel like it proves I'm bisexual or gay. I would never do this again, but my mind tells me I want to. Do I want to? I'm not even sure anymore.
Anyway, after that I had intrusive thoughts about the possibility of being gay. I thought about it 24/7 and I went into a state of depression. I spent a lot of time in my bed, feeling horrible about myself. I would just keep telling myself that I like boys and this isn't true and could be a phase. I added this because maybe that means I am in denial? I stopped wearing flannels and anything else that could make me appear gay. My attraction to boys faded away and I felt bad about myself all the time. Half way through that year I met a boy I really like. Over that summer we texted a lot and I forgot all about this. That school year after the summer we started dating. He was my first boyfriend and I was nervous and shy and not quite ready for a boyfriend, but I said yes. During the whole time my mind kept saying, "you are living a lie. You're lying to him and yourself. You need to break it off". Eventually I did. I lost my best friend because of this. Anyway, I had mostly the same obsessions and symptoms that year, but still finding myself to love that boy. I still do to this day. Anyway, I started to feel convinced I was bisexual again. My mind told me that i wanted to be with a girl both romantically and physically. It used to be just physically until I read online that HOCD sufferers don't worry about romantic relationships and now I do, of course. This year I made the dreadful mistake of looking up what people felt like when they were in denial and I went numb. I am still numb. I feel nothing with my intrusive thoughts. Just horrible because I feel like I've accepted this. Maybe deep down I know I'm straight but it's so covered that I don't know. I feel like I want to be with a girl and that I want to be bisexual and that I should come out. I always feel the need to tell my mom everything and I just and so anxious.
I make sure my voice is high enough because I don't want to "sound gay". When my friends talk about boys I have nothing to add because my attraction is gone which makes me wonder if I am really gay in denial. I guess that maybe I should just accept this and move on. I can't spend 10 minutes without feeling the urge to Google and Google this condition and I'm desperate for answers. I'm not doing well in school because of this and I can't afford to fail.i always and checking to see if I am attracted to girls or if I'm disgusted enough by the same sex relationships. I also check if it appropriately attracted to guys. I feel that if I think a girl is pretty I like her and want to date her. I have had both gay and straight dreams. When I wake up from the gay ones I feel ashamed and horrible and that it's definite I'm gay. When I woke up from the straight dream I feel content. But them I think, "wait maybe it was really a girl in that dream not a boy." All this is worse from 6am-11am. However it's really just all bad. I am sorry if this was too long. I have had a lot to write. Please, if you could, help me. I get no relief anymore. I know you can't diagnose me but does anyone have similar stories. Thank you so much for reading it means a great deal to me.
I would like to start off by telling you that I am not against the LGBT community at all and I hope not to offend you! That's is not my intention of this post.
Alright, so when I was about 12 or 13, I can't remember, I went through a experimenting phase on the internet. This is included role play with other girls or watching videos of them kissing. This isn't my proudest moment, and I regret the decision I made. I don't know why I did this, but I feel like it proves I'm bisexual or gay. I would never do this again, but my mind tells me I want to. Do I want to? I'm not even sure anymore.
Anyway, after that I had intrusive thoughts about the possibility of being gay. I thought about it 24/7 and I went into a state of depression. I spent a lot of time in my bed, feeling horrible about myself. I would just keep telling myself that I like boys and this isn't true and could be a phase. I added this because maybe that means I am in denial? I stopped wearing flannels and anything else that could make me appear gay. My attraction to boys faded away and I felt bad about myself all the time. Half way through that year I met a boy I really like. Over that summer we texted a lot and I forgot all about this. That school year after the summer we started dating. He was my first boyfriend and I was nervous and shy and not quite ready for a boyfriend, but I said yes. During the whole time my mind kept saying, "you are living a lie. You're lying to him and yourself. You need to break it off". Eventually I did. I lost my best friend because of this. Anyway, I had mostly the same obsessions and symptoms that year, but still finding myself to love that boy. I still do to this day. Anyway, I started to feel convinced I was bisexual again. My mind told me that i wanted to be with a girl both romantically and physically. It used to be just physically until I read online that HOCD sufferers don't worry about romantic relationships and now I do, of course. This year I made the dreadful mistake of looking up what people felt like when they were in denial and I went numb. I am still numb. I feel nothing with my intrusive thoughts. Just horrible because I feel like I've accepted this. Maybe deep down I know I'm straight but it's so covered that I don't know. I feel like I want to be with a girl and that I want to be bisexual and that I should come out. I always feel the need to tell my mom everything and I just and so anxious.
I make sure my voice is high enough because I don't want to "sound gay". When my friends talk about boys I have nothing to add because my attraction is gone which makes me wonder if I am really gay in denial. I guess that maybe I should just accept this and move on. I can't spend 10 minutes without feeling the urge to Google and Google this condition and I'm desperate for answers. I'm not doing well in school because of this and I can't afford to fail.i always and checking to see if I am attracted to girls or if I'm disgusted enough by the same sex relationships. I also check if it appropriately attracted to guys. I feel that if I think a girl is pretty I like her and want to date her. I have had both gay and straight dreams. When I wake up from the gay ones I feel ashamed and horrible and that it's definite I'm gay. When I woke up from the straight dream I feel content. But them I think, "wait maybe it was really a girl in that dream not a boy." All this is worse from 6am-11am. However it's really just all bad. I am sorry if this was too long. I have had a lot to write. Please, if you could, help me. I get no relief anymore. I know you can't diagnose me but does anyone have similar stories. Thank you so much for reading it means a great deal to me.
Yo i know how your feeling. I have been dealing with what I think is HOCD for two years (I say think cause I don't like self diagnosing) I'm a female dealing with this uncertainty and horrible identity crisis. Right now I just seeked help for this cause its also affecting my productivity and school as well. I don't want to reassure you weather your gay or not because you might already know ocd is never content and will cause doubt. I dont recommend looking up forums cause they might confuse you even more. Either way I think the best option is to seek mental help from a professional. Why? Cause they will be attending to YOUR specific issues and experiences, help you get to the root of YOUR problem of why YOUR brain is doing this and understand YOURSELF. Not anyone else's so you dont end up comparing yourself to anyone else. I know it can be hard to expose yourself in person to a stranger cause "what if you do end up not being straight?", "what if they think your crazy?" "What if it doesn't work?" The only thing I imagine is when Miles Morales jumped off a huge building even though he still felt anxiety doing so, its a leap of faith. Trust and have faith that you can get out of your comfort zone and seek help. My intrusive thoughts started cause of repeated bullying in school and doubting myself if they were right that I was gay, they pushed lesbian stereotypes and assumptions onto me.. Making me doubt myself and who i was. However, even if I end up being gay or straight is not the true thing in danger. What is in danger is my happiness and mental health if i keep this doubting and depression cycle up. All I know these thoughts started cause of distrust in myself and bullying trauma. I dont care the outcome all I know I have faith I will get over my demons and be in a better place.
In short, please seek a mental professional help, your situation isn't shameful or bizzare, it is serious matter and needs to be helped. I promise you will get better if you chose to. You choose how you react your situation.
In short, please seek a mental professional help, your situation isn't shameful or bizzare, it is serious matter and needs to be helped. I promise you will get better if you chose to. You choose how you react your situation.
Hey there, I just wanted to say our stories are some what similar. I too experimented online by going on omegle chat or watching "taboo" porn and was very confused from all that. Just wanted to point out that sexual things can cause arousal even if your sexuality is straight (or gay, or bi, etc.), just because you become aroused by something doesn't mean that you want that. Also, it's very common for young people to experiment so that doesn't make you gay. I have OCD Pure O and my biggest obsession has been my sexuality. I had a friend who seemed to flirt with me and get close to me and randomly hug me and I freaked out. Does she like me? Does this mean I like her? I had a boyfriend at the time who I was in love with so I was extremely confused! I stopped talking to her and I would get anxiety just looking at her or hearing her voice (sometimes it would escalate to panic attacks.) I kept thinking this must mean I'm gay, that I'll have to break up with my boyfriend (when I loved him and didn't want to break up with him). It had gotten to the point that if I saw a girl and thought she was pretty that I would immediately get anxious and worry I was gay. 1) finding people of the same sex pretty or attractive does not make you gay. 2) being nervous around someone does not mean you like them or have a crush on them (from what you wrote, it seems like you are anxious, in a "fight or flight" mode so to speak.) I know it's very confusing and it's hard to figure out! And about the whole dream thing, I feel you I too freaked out from dreams, but honestly dreams (just like thoughts) do no mean that that's how you actually feel. Thoughts and dreams are just weird and random. Think about it, your experiencing anxoety from all these thoughts saying your gay. But people who are actually gay like the thoughts (react without anxiety) but may feel anxiety "coming out." When I have those thoughts "you're a lesbian, you like her, etc." I get a lot of anxiety from it, which means I don't like the thoughts and disagree with them as do you! I highly recommend you tell your parents you want to see a therapist or psychiatrist, trust me it will only help you. Best of luck and know you're not alone!
1 Comments
Thank you so much for replying; it relieves me that someone has the same story as me with experimenting.
I want to have normal friendships with girls but I can't because I feel that I'm flirting with them. HOCD has taken so much from me; my boyfriend, my friendships, and just overall my time. I would say I think about my orientation from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed maybe with one five minute break in the day (Haha how generous).
The thing is, I've never considered myself to have OCD. That scares me because how can I have HOCD without OCD. Yes I am obsessive, about everything. Plagiarism, hand washing, germs, and hurting others. For instance, if I accidentally bump into my cat I'll just ask over and over again if I hurt her, even when I know I didn't really. Or if I am writing an essay I'll just keep asking everyone is this plagiarism, is that plagiarism. It never is. I have to wash my hands two times or it doesn't feel right. I can't tell if this Is my anxiety or OCD.
I know you have to get worse before better, but I can't handle the worse long enough to get better. I do and I don't want to see a phsycologis. Yes, I want to get better and be able to wear clothes without thinking all day I look gay or bi or have to repeat things sometimes if my voice isn't high enough. I want to live normally again and enjoy myself; but I don't want them to tell me I'm gay. Thanks again for the reply. Again, it is greatly appreciated and I can't express to you how much this helped me.
I want to have normal friendships with girls but I can't because I feel that I'm flirting with them. HOCD has taken so much from me; my boyfriend, my friendships, and just overall my time. I would say I think about my orientation from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed maybe with one five minute break in the day (Haha how generous).
The thing is, I've never considered myself to have OCD. That scares me because how can I have HOCD without OCD. Yes I am obsessive, about everything. Plagiarism, hand washing, germs, and hurting others. For instance, if I accidentally bump into my cat I'll just ask over and over again if I hurt her, even when I know I didn't really. Or if I am writing an essay I'll just keep asking everyone is this plagiarism, is that plagiarism. It never is. I have to wash my hands two times or it doesn't feel right. I can't tell if this Is my anxiety or OCD.
I know you have to get worse before better, but I can't handle the worse long enough to get better. I do and I don't want to see a phsycologis. Yes, I want to get better and be able to wear clothes without thinking all day I look gay or bi or have to repeat things sometimes if my voice isn't high enough. I want to live normally again and enjoy myself; but I don't want them to tell me I'm gay. Thanks again for the reply. Again, it is greatly appreciated and I can't express to you how much this helped me.
A therapist is something I have considered in the past, and if keeps interfering with my schooling I will see one. The thing is, I feel like my false attractions are getting worse. There is this one specific girl who I know is bi and I get nervous around her. Is this a crush? Am I overthinking it? Maybe I've always liked her? I thought we were friends but maybe I always wanted more. I hope not but my mind says I do and ugh. Why am I torturing myself if it's not true? And why do I feel as if I want these things if I don't. I know I don't . One of my biggest fears is being so happy with a guy and leaving him for a girl.
So what do you think? I feel like I don't relate to HOCD suffers but maybe I do? Do bi people "feel bisexual" like I do? Or do they just know? I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable around girls. I've always been a shy person and I feel like a social anxiety or just anxiety may have played a role in that. But I find conversations with girls really awkward. Why? I don't know. Is it because i am bisexual? Once my teacher (female)in sixth grade was wearing these pants and I thought something like, "wow she looks good." I didn't think anything of it but now I'm FREAKING OUT like this proves something.
sorry my responses are so long haha I have a lot on my mind. Thank you for the quick response! It feels so real.
So what do you think? I feel like I don't relate to HOCD suffers but maybe I do? Do bi people "feel bisexual" like I do? Or do they just know? I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable around girls. I've always been a shy person and I feel like a social anxiety or just anxiety may have played a role in that. But I find conversations with girls really awkward. Why? I don't know. Is it because i am bisexual? Once my teacher (female)in sixth grade was wearing these pants and I thought something like, "wow she looks good." I didn't think anything of it but now I'm FREAKING OUT like this proves something.
sorry my responses are so long haha I have a lot on my mind. Thank you for the quick response! It feels so real.
Hi there....every experiments when they are going through puberty. I disregard that stuff. Have you talked to your parents about your anxiety? Ideally you should be seeing a psychologist to learn how to deal with the thoughts. HOCD is one of the most asked questions on the forum. Do you think all the people on here are gay? I don't. I haven't found one that I thought was gay. Let me know if you can see a therapist.
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Also, today I felt sure I am bisexual but leaning on the gay side. I can't tell if I want to be with a girl or not and I'm desperate. Should I just come out and get it over with, or should I start to avoid girls?I hate this and I can't believe that I could be bisexual it makes me feel horrible. I know you disregard the expermentartion but I really think it means I'm bisexual or gay and I can't help but think that I'll never be happy or be with someone I love. I even feel like I'll never get married to a guy because of this. i feel like I'm just making up these symptoms to make me appear like I have HOCD and maybe I am?! Sorry for replying again. Thanks again
Also, if I'm not gay or bisexual, why would I experiment online with another girl? Was it hormones? Curiosity? Was it my age?
Adding this on: now I just feel like I made up everything I wrote and I'm not right and I'm just covering up the fact that I'm bi. Sorry but I thought I should just add that. Thank you :)
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