HOCD that turned into TOCD?

[sunnigrump]

Hi there, um so I guess I start with where my mental issues started.

In 2012, I came down with a massive case of depression, that left me feeling empty and miserable for about 4 years. I missed my home, my friends, my job, everything. And I was feeling very self conscious about myself (I'm a female but I've been teased and told for years I was fat and ugly and stupid etc.)

I started feeling better in 2015, when my sister and my recently divorced mom moved into an apartment after a huge and really sad mess of events that happened that same year (my parents fought and eventually split & my grandpa on my dad's side passed away).

We were doing alright up until my mother brought over her boyfriend and since then, he's been a large part of my mom's life, and to an extent, ours. He's been living with us and being a bit of a **** but my mom (in what I believe is a midlife crisis) loves him and acts like a lovestruck teenager when she's around him.

Once we were actually evicted from our aparment my mom and her boyfriend decided to send us to live with our grandma until things with the house settled.

THIS is where what I think my ocd kicked in.

This was our second time living at our grandmother's, and though I love her, she's very old fashioned and VERY judgemental. And the house in recent memory has not been the most happy one either.

One night as I think about my online friends (both of whom have helped me out all the years and have been my emotional crutches for a while) my brain thought about how much I missed them. Then a thought came about them both being lesbians (which they have told me they are but prior I didn't mind or discriminate, it's just not my lifestyle), and then jumped to the conclusion that if they were lesbians, then I clearly must be.

I don't feel this way for any woman, my whole childhood and even the months prior I've been in love with many boys, and I have a large affection for a boy who lives in LA at the moment. So this thought just came at me like a shark and never left.

I would spend hours a day stressing and panicking over these intrusive thoughts, and trying to remind and assure myself I was in fact a straight girl. It got to the point I didn't sleep at night or I would have very troubling attempts to sleep with no success.

These thoughts continue even now, and this was about 4 months ago it started.

When we finally moved out of my grandma's house, we moved into my mom's boyfriend's house, and from then on, the thoughts subdued but were replaced with a new fear.

As I thought about how I don't like girls in a sexual or romantic way, my brain almost went "okay so you don't like girls like that. I get it. But you know what else is scary? If you were a boy."

And from there my mind went down this void of fear and nervousness and anxiety. Because before, I was happy as I was. I may have grown up a bit of a tomboy but I never wanted to have a sex change ever.

I think this thought came around because I had made a new friend (let's call them chris) who was a girl who told me and eventually admitted she wanted to be a boy. And also the fact an older crush of mine actually went from a boy to a transgirl got my thoughts racing.

But let me be clear, I have nothing against trans people or gay people, in fact most if not all my friends are in these categories. And 4 months prior, I didn't care! I supported my friends and I didn't treat them or think them anything more than just people. People with different interests and mindsets but still people.

But now I'm in this scary loop of being a transboy or being gay for girls. Which I don't want. At all.

I wanna be just myself again; a 20 year old girl who loves boys and wants to be married one day with kids of her own.

I just feel so lost right now, and I'm scared of actually doing this one day even though I know in my heart and mind I don't want to.

[Blehhhhhhhh]

Its been many yrs how are you now?

[JGF25]

Hi there.....the first thing you should know about OCD is that stress makes it worse.  Hell, I once lost it over a septic system failure!  

Here is a link to some information about OCD in general and how to overcome it.

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0%3A&id=82%3Aten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article

Also here is an article written by a gay guy with OCD...

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

Is there a way for you to see a psychologist?  I think you have a lot to get off your chest and talking to a therapist will help you tremendously.  If not, are you in college?  Working?  Is there a social worker that you can see?  

[sunnigrump]

I am in college at the moment, and ive asked my mom countless times for me to be checked out by our doctor or a psychiatrist. She's said she'll do it, but honestly it goes in one ear and comes out the other.

I've been told there's counseling at my community college, would that be a good place to start?

[JGF25]

Sorry for the delay....I have been away on vacation.  absolutely a counselor on campus would be a great starting place.  

[sunnigrump]

Thank you, I really hope I can get this sorted out. Because I really do want to have a husband and children and live happily one day. I wasn't afraid of this before but why it's come at this time is beyond me.