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I want to be trans but im scared to tell my parents
Hi, I have wanted to be trans for quite a while now but im scared to tell my parents. I'm scared that they wont accept me for the person i am and i'm scared I will regret it. I am currently female and i do wear my brothers boxers at night as my father lets me and i think he would be alright with me becoming a male but i am scared my mum will instantly turn on me and would take me to a psychiatrist. I have also hit puberty so it may be just hormones. I am not sure how to say i want to be transgender to my family, anyone have any tips?
Hey! I came out to my parents as a trans guy about a year and a half ago and was feeling a lot of the same anxieties you are. I knew my dad would be fairly decent, but my mom is a practicing Catholic and comes from an Italian-American family with pretty strong gender roles, so I was pretty nervous about talking to her. It took me months to feel good talking to them about it, and I'm not going to lie and say I was really relieved right after the conversation. My mom did have a lot of trouble coming to terms with things, and it has taken us having repeated conversations (sometimes really emotionally-charged ones) for her to see where I'm coming from. Now, though, things have mostly cleared up. Our relationship isn't perfect, but we've actually become closer than we were before I came out because she knows I trust her enough to be honest about who I am.
Your parents won't ever fully understand you, but if you give it some time my guess is they'll come to respect you and accept the fact that there are things they WON'T understand, and that that's okay. You're their child before anything else.
That being said, things are likely to be tense for a while while your mom adjusts to things. Here are some videos I watched before and after coming out to try to figure out what to say and ease my anxieties about my mom's response:
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JzQ2TXHSn8 (How I knew I was transgender and some advice on coming out)
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByG1DZmdoX0 (To Parents Who May Have a Transgender Child [I remember my mom telling me that she watched this and it really helped her to understand me better])
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwV7ENOTeek (Short film called "BOY"; illustrates the complicated relationship between a mom and her child during his process of coming out as FTM)
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll888Z31moE (Transgender Coming Out Guide)
The dudes who made the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd videos (Skylar and Alex) have tons of videos covering pretty much any topic a young trans guy could be concerned about, and they were some of the most important resources I had during that time of my life. If you have a tumblr, that's also a great place to go to connect with community and resources.
Sorry this post was so long! Bottom line is, don't put your identity on hold for someone else, even if that someone is the person who gave birth to you. Don't doubt yourself, especially if you feel super uncomfortable with puberty--that is one of the biggest signs that something's up. Good luck my friend!
Your parents won't ever fully understand you, but if you give it some time my guess is they'll come to respect you and accept the fact that there are things they WON'T understand, and that that's okay. You're their child before anything else.
That being said, things are likely to be tense for a while while your mom adjusts to things. Here are some videos I watched before and after coming out to try to figure out what to say and ease my anxieties about my mom's response:
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JzQ2TXHSn8 (How I knew I was transgender and some advice on coming out)
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByG1DZmdoX0 (To Parents Who May Have a Transgender Child [I remember my mom telling me that she watched this and it really helped her to understand me better])
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwV7ENOTeek (Short film called "BOY"; illustrates the complicated relationship between a mom and her child during his process of coming out as FTM)
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll888Z31moE (Transgender Coming Out Guide)
The dudes who made the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd videos (Skylar and Alex) have tons of videos covering pretty much any topic a young trans guy could be concerned about, and they were some of the most important resources I had during that time of my life. If you have a tumblr, that's also a great place to go to connect with community and resources.
Sorry this post was so long! Bottom line is, don't put your identity on hold for someone else, even if that someone is the person who gave birth to you. Don't doubt yourself, especially if you feel super uncomfortable with puberty--that is one of the biggest signs that something's up. Good luck my friend!
1 Comments
Yes! This! Don't put your identity on hold!
Make sure you are safe first - but try not to compromise your identity for others - in my experience that only makes things harder longterm
Make sure you are safe first - but try not to compromise your identity for others - in my experience that only makes things harder longterm
How can other accept you for who you aren't, if you can't accept you for who you are. Have you thought about that?
If you are a female, then you are a female. Accept the person that you are and love yourself, because you are a special person. No one else is like you in this whole world. You know inside your mind that anyone saying that you are the opposite gender is lying to you, and that you would be lying to yourself.
Think about what caused you to have such doubts about yourself, dig deeper and you'll find the reason why.
If you are a female, then you are a female. Accept the person that you are and love yourself, because you are a special person. No one else is like you in this whole world. You know inside your mind that anyone saying that you are the opposite gender is lying to you, and that you would be lying to yourself.
Think about what caused you to have such doubts about yourself, dig deeper and you'll find the reason why.
1 Comments
Couldn't have said I better.
This is a long post but please read it as I have a degree in pedagogy and this is a big area of my interest and I believe I will give you insights into how to understand what is going on.
There is sex and there is gender. Sex is your chromosomes, are you XY (male) or XX (female), every cell in your body has XX or female chromosomes so you are 100% female regardless of how you chose to identify, what clothes you wear, how big or small your boobs are and what level and style of aesthetics you choose.
In essence gender is about aesthetics, while sex is about the very fabric of your being and every cell in your body is build bottom-up in accordance to your sex and the DNA. We as humans chose to give certain aesthetics to each sex and certain traits that may or may not correspond to some natural inclinations of each sex. When you view this fact for what is essentially is, you realize gender is completely a social construct.
What seems to dominate these transsexual thoughts is basically an aversion to socially constructed aesthetics of the sex you have in your every cell. You cannot stop being female, in any possible way. You may go under a surgery like some women with ovary cancer do and are no longer fertile, that does not matter, your cells will still be XX and 100% female. Out human nature is to, when we first glance at a person, try to determine the sex of that person. Yes we try to determine the SEX, not the GENDER. Gender is there basically to enforce the ease of doing this and fill some primitive once necessary roles we no longer need.
I don't see why you should not wear "male" clothes or have short hair or any other "male" aesthetics (I think all of this gender-aesthetics stuff is stupid conformism anyway). But, in terms of reality, there is no existing, possible way for you to become male as that would require changing how your every DNA strain in your every cell of body functions, not how you look or dress.
Leftist politically correct ideologues have put this idea into wider culture that it is possible to become male from female or vice versa... it is not. You may deliberately go out of your way to convince yourself and others that you are XY when you are, in fact XX but the truth will always remain.
This should not be disappointing to you. Let me explain why.
Female gender aesthetics include: long hair, high heels, long nails, overdone and flimsy unfunctional clothes, tight pants, flimsy face stuff...
-this is basically signaling one thing: "I am weak, and I don't need to work, I am pretty and a I can rely on men to do my work because I am so attractive"
Male gender aesthetics include: short hair, functional and loose clothes, physical strength, muscles...
-this is saying: "I am strong, I work, I produce, I can provide excess value so you can rely on me and don't have to work yourself"
These are basically the primitive animalistic sexual signals that the basest, lowest parts of most humans respond to. Most men and women WANT to be like this.
However you can reject this. I have rejected this also and I feel great rejecting the gender stereotype. Those are stupid roles of trophy/provider which anyone with some intelligence will reject in my opinion and whole humanity should be past this. However we are not. And if you are overthinking this to the level of embracing this gender-ism to such an extreme that this is so very important to you to the level of going out of your way from rejecting one stupid aesthetic for another stupid aesthetic... that will be very stressful, expensive, pointless and also those who do all those medical sex changes often change their minds, sometimes decades after they do it.
In the end you are doing this to be happy and find yourself. However what the core issue is here is unhappiness with the stupid aesthetics of a given GENDER. The problem is with what we today see as aesthetics and attributes of a particular GENDER, not sex. Because you are a female that likes to stray away from expected gender stuff does not make you male, it just means you are your own person with her own thoughts and aesthetics which don't conform with what you feel is expected for your gender. Nothing wrong with that.
Think about various other cultures throughout the history like Scythians and Vikings etc who had female warriors and even obligatory female military service. In Sauromatia women could not even marry or have kids if they did not defeat and kill a enemy male in 1v1 combat.
Do you think you would be in this situation if you were in one of those more unisex, less gender-dualistic cultures? Your problem is not with your sex, or with your DNA, or even with your hormones... it is with todays culture, the idea of genders and stupid expectations that you be "girly"
There is sex and there is gender. Sex is your chromosomes, are you XY (male) or XX (female), every cell in your body has XX or female chromosomes so you are 100% female regardless of how you chose to identify, what clothes you wear, how big or small your boobs are and what level and style of aesthetics you choose.
In essence gender is about aesthetics, while sex is about the very fabric of your being and every cell in your body is build bottom-up in accordance to your sex and the DNA. We as humans chose to give certain aesthetics to each sex and certain traits that may or may not correspond to some natural inclinations of each sex. When you view this fact for what is essentially is, you realize gender is completely a social construct.
What seems to dominate these transsexual thoughts is basically an aversion to socially constructed aesthetics of the sex you have in your every cell. You cannot stop being female, in any possible way. You may go under a surgery like some women with ovary cancer do and are no longer fertile, that does not matter, your cells will still be XX and 100% female. Out human nature is to, when we first glance at a person, try to determine the sex of that person. Yes we try to determine the SEX, not the GENDER. Gender is there basically to enforce the ease of doing this and fill some primitive once necessary roles we no longer need.
I don't see why you should not wear "male" clothes or have short hair or any other "male" aesthetics (I think all of this gender-aesthetics stuff is stupid conformism anyway). But, in terms of reality, there is no existing, possible way for you to become male as that would require changing how your every DNA strain in your every cell of body functions, not how you look or dress.
Leftist politically correct ideologues have put this idea into wider culture that it is possible to become male from female or vice versa... it is not. You may deliberately go out of your way to convince yourself and others that you are XY when you are, in fact XX but the truth will always remain.
This should not be disappointing to you. Let me explain why.
Female gender aesthetics include: long hair, high heels, long nails, overdone and flimsy unfunctional clothes, tight pants, flimsy face stuff...
-this is basically signaling one thing: "I am weak, and I don't need to work, I am pretty and a I can rely on men to do my work because I am so attractive"
Male gender aesthetics include: short hair, functional and loose clothes, physical strength, muscles...
-this is saying: "I am strong, I work, I produce, I can provide excess value so you can rely on me and don't have to work yourself"
These are basically the primitive animalistic sexual signals that the basest, lowest parts of most humans respond to. Most men and women WANT to be like this.
However you can reject this. I have rejected this also and I feel great rejecting the gender stereotype. Those are stupid roles of trophy/provider which anyone with some intelligence will reject in my opinion and whole humanity should be past this. However we are not. And if you are overthinking this to the level of embracing this gender-ism to such an extreme that this is so very important to you to the level of going out of your way from rejecting one stupid aesthetic for another stupid aesthetic... that will be very stressful, expensive, pointless and also those who do all those medical sex changes often change their minds, sometimes decades after they do it.
In the end you are doing this to be happy and find yourself. However what the core issue is here is unhappiness with the stupid aesthetics of a given GENDER. The problem is with what we today see as aesthetics and attributes of a particular GENDER, not sex. Because you are a female that likes to stray away from expected gender stuff does not make you male, it just means you are your own person with her own thoughts and aesthetics which don't conform with what you feel is expected for your gender. Nothing wrong with that.
Think about various other cultures throughout the history like Scythians and Vikings etc who had female warriors and even obligatory female military service. In Sauromatia women could not even marry or have kids if they did not defeat and kill a enemy male in 1v1 combat.
Do you think you would be in this situation if you were in one of those more unisex, less gender-dualistic cultures? Your problem is not with your sex, or with your DNA, or even with your hormones... it is with todays culture, the idea of genders and stupid expectations that you be "girly"
2 Comments
I understand that you have your perspective on this issue, and thankfully you do not have to deal with the troubling psychological impact living in denial does to transgender people. There are many people with genetic mutation a from XXY to XO so that's something you should look into,and there are similar genetic abnormalities found in trans people,but if I could give you some insight into what my experience has been like, maybe that will give you a new perspective.
I have came to terms with being a trans woman recently and it is something I did not want. I still don't want it. When I was in denial I deliberately did things to fight this. Talk in a lower voice than necessary act domineering. Hit the gym, play football, act like a 'man' but despite all that I couldn't look myself in the mirror. It desturbed me. It hurt that my shoulders were broad, that I had body hair, I would try and grow a beard that I didn't want. I didn't want any of it. I knew deep down I was trans growing up. As a 6 year old kid I would lock myself in my bathroom and pick at my genitals until I bled praying that it would just go away. I didn't explicitly think 'I want to be a girl'. I just new where I was, my physical body, was wrong. When I was 16 I remember telling myself. I'll transition when I'm 70. Then everyone in my family will die of old age and no one related to me would hate me. So many wasted relationships because I was apathetic. Nothing really felt like it mattered. This life wasn't mine, it felt like I was playing an Avatar. Wearing a suit felt more like crossdressing than anything else. These feeling are complicated. I don't fully understand them, no one does as of yet. But they are there. Gender seems to be part social construct and part enate. I don't know how but I know that if I could just take a pill that would get rid of the alien feelings I would do that over transitioning.
My story is a lot like many others, you will find some BS on my side (as is in yours), but you will see a vast majority just want to be happy. We are not trying to subvert responsibility, if anything we are taking action
I have came to terms with being a trans woman recently and it is something I did not want. I still don't want it. When I was in denial I deliberately did things to fight this. Talk in a lower voice than necessary act domineering. Hit the gym, play football, act like a 'man' but despite all that I couldn't look myself in the mirror. It desturbed me. It hurt that my shoulders were broad, that I had body hair, I would try and grow a beard that I didn't want. I didn't want any of it. I knew deep down I was trans growing up. As a 6 year old kid I would lock myself in my bathroom and pick at my genitals until I bled praying that it would just go away. I didn't explicitly think 'I want to be a girl'. I just new where I was, my physical body, was wrong. When I was 16 I remember telling myself. I'll transition when I'm 70. Then everyone in my family will die of old age and no one related to me would hate me. So many wasted relationships because I was apathetic. Nothing really felt like it mattered. This life wasn't mine, it felt like I was playing an Avatar. Wearing a suit felt more like crossdressing than anything else. These feeling are complicated. I don't fully understand them, no one does as of yet. But they are there. Gender seems to be part social construct and part enate. I don't know how but I know that if I could just take a pill that would get rid of the alien feelings I would do that over transitioning.
My story is a lot like many others, you will find some BS on my side (as is in yours), but you will see a vast majority just want to be happy. We are not trying to subvert responsibility, if anything we are taking action
Bzzz, if you have a "degree" then you should know there are XX males and XY females too. There are also cases of a single chromosome (ie single X aka Turner syndrome) or extra chromosomes like XXY (Klinefelter syndrome), XYY (Jacob's syndrome), xxyy and xxxy. Could be I missed something but I don't have any degrees in this type of thing. There are many combos and people with chromosomes that don't match the norms. So just be you. Be what your heart and mind tell you to be and don't listen to those that are trying to make you "normal" because there is no such thing.
I think, given your age, that they will ask you to wait; they will think (hope) it's puberty and hormones and won't necessarily believe it even if it's true, since you're young. I know that a lot of trans kids do know, however, this early or even earlier that this is their identity. One of my sisters is lesbian, and she very early on didn't want to wear girls' clothing, and she wanted to be a male character from one of her children's books and insisted we call her "Pete" and refer to her as "he." But it didn't mean she wound up identifying as trans, just lesbian. (That, though, has never varied. She knew from when she was 6 that she had no interest in guys.) Anyway, perhaps your best bet is to get yourself some good reading material about trans identity and young people figuring it out, and leave it around, so your mom can come around to the idea a little bit more gradually and with some education. You could google books or articles, and get the books and print out the articles, and let her see you reading them, then "accidentally" leave them beside your chair. If someone in an article says something, it might be more credible to her than you saying something. And she will probably open the conversation if she finds one lying around.
2 Comments
hi, if your positive you want to become a boy then that's okay... your mom brought you into this world and didn't care if you were boy or girl then, so they shouldn't care now. I just came out lesbian and I thought my parent were going to freak.. but they excepted it and so did all my siblings. I'm sure if you just sit down and talk to her she will except it maybe not at first.. it might be a shock ... but if you wear you brother boxers I'm sure they might already even know. you should go for it when you are ready. maybe just tell one at a time like your brother or your father first. and work up to it.
But the thing is, it really is just hormones and culture.
A few years or so later and I'm very much a trans guy! Parents still don't know but I'm planning to tell them when I'm going to college or university so if they don't accept me, they can't really kick me out or anything. My sisters know and they accept me for who I am and most my teachers know to :3 I'm also a furry now so I have a fursona called Aiden (my chosen name) and it makes me feel like who I wanna be :D
You "want" to be trans? I'm sorry, but nobody wants to be trans. You either are, or you're not. No disrespect but it sounds like you just "want" to be trans because currently its the cool and trendy thing, that might possibly make your more original and unique than all your friends, which will make you cooler than you are now. The reality is, thats not true at all. Theres no such thing as "wanting to be trans". Trans isn't a choice, and transitioning isnt easy or fun at all. Be prepared to lose friends, and even family over it. I'm seeing more and more teenagers jumping on this bandwagon, and its distressing, because something like 75% of them seem to be doing it for the wrong reasons. I am trans, and let me tell you. Its anything but cool, trendy or fun. Its a long and hard road. I find it really really hard to take all these recent teens seriously, when most of them have zero idea what life is about, and most are still finding their identities through puberty. I'm an advocate of transitioning after 20, when you know who you are. Then again, its funny....because I also wish I was able to transition sooner than I did, before puberty ruined my body, so its a double edged sword. Ugh, its confusing stuff for sure.
Thank you for all the comments, I haven't come out to my parents as i have recently learnt they are transphobic although i am binding and using an stp, i am indeed transgender and i have been since i was 9 (i only recently remembered)
Look, trans is something you're born with and I think that you may feel like you're not unique, especially at your age, but you dont have to pretend to be trans or any of those other things to be unique. There are so many possibilities and you shouldn't have to fake your identity or personality to feel special. Also if you want to be different based off gender, later on if you decide you don't want to pretend to be that, it can ruin your reputation and the way others think of you. Something to think about, -SEVERiN
Hi there, when you speak with your parents please have them read the WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) "Standards of Care" booklet. The WPATH website has it available as a free download. WPATH will give them reading material that will answer most of their questions.
Talk to your parents when you have some alone time and everyone is relaxed with no other commitments (ex: on a weekend).
Your parents may be shocked and confused. Above all they will most likely be concerned. If they don't respond positively right away give them time to process the news - they will come around! Tell them you've done your research and want to try using a male name and wearing male clothes during the day. See how it feels!
You will need support other than your parents such as a doctor, therapist, or support group. They can help you physically transition if you decide to do so (ex: hormones/surgery).
I am a transman who has felt male since childhood. I was not able to medically transition (hormones/surgery) until age 27. Transitioning saved my life and I have no regrets. It was absolutely necessary in my case and I only wish I had been able to transition sooner. Having access to hormones sooner would have given me a more masculine body shape.
Don't wait! Talk to your parents and explore being male. If transitioning is the right path for you, time is of essence when it comes to hormones and physical development.
Best of luck to you! Hang in there!
Talk to your parents when you have some alone time and everyone is relaxed with no other commitments (ex: on a weekend).
Your parents may be shocked and confused. Above all they will most likely be concerned. If they don't respond positively right away give them time to process the news - they will come around! Tell them you've done your research and want to try using a male name and wearing male clothes during the day. See how it feels!
You will need support other than your parents such as a doctor, therapist, or support group. They can help you physically transition if you decide to do so (ex: hormones/surgery).
I am a transman who has felt male since childhood. I was not able to medically transition (hormones/surgery) until age 27. Transitioning saved my life and I have no regrets. It was absolutely necessary in my case and I only wish I had been able to transition sooner. Having access to hormones sooner would have given me a more masculine body shape.
Don't wait! Talk to your parents and explore being male. If transitioning is the right path for you, time is of essence when it comes to hormones and physical development.
Best of luck to you! Hang in there!
Hi Aiden, i'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. What i can say is that you need to do what makes you happy and by that i mean you need to be who you are. My dad came out as Trans in June 2015. He was 66 at the time and he'd struggled with it since he was a child (he remembered it as 6yrs old). Since then he's started the transitioning process and she is now so much happier, kinder and far more relaxed. I always remembered my dad as a short tempered man, extremely measured in his conversational responses (particularly around men) and he quite often seemed socially awkward. I'm the youngest of three (i'm 37) and i have two sisters. The first thing that he did was get us together and tell us with a very detailed explanation of what and why it meant. Until that point i didn't understand it and wasn't really interested. Now, given a bit of time all i want is for her to be happy, i feel so sad that he hid it for so long and understand that when he was in the womb hormones went to his body and not his brain and i think she deserves to live her life as she was always meant to be. The interesting thing is that in the 50s and early 60s there were a few things that happened with my dad and my nan and grandad that show they may have already known. I have four children myself and i would love them and be in there lives no matter what. I know we're not all the same and you know you're parents so i can't tell you what to do, it's your call. All i can say is try not to let your life pass by living what is essentially a lie through fear of hurting others you love. I know i've rambled and may not be making sense but i hope my words help. You've been dealt a difficult hand but you're not alone. My 'C' has so many girlfriends, it's incredible and they all support one another. Stay strong, bless your heart. Good luck (the switching between dad, he and she was deliberate. I say it chronologically)
Tbh, with no disrespect. I believe that this lgbt stuff is a spirit within people and what I do when a trans, gay bi or lesbian thought comes in my head I change my thoughts and sooner or later I don't feel like an outcast anymore. but since its what you think you are. Don't need to tell them. I'd just start wearing whatever I want. and let them figure it out. Hope this helped. :P
I second the comments of the people who wrote in that have walked in your shoes -- as a mom, I can tell you that a parent's love for her child comes well before any disclosure that child might make about her sexual identity. No matter what else, you are your mom's beloved child first and foremost. In my post above I said that I think they will ask you to wait, not because I'm endorsing that idea, but because I'm just saying that this is how parents might react (even though lots of kids know earlier than puberty). If they do, it would just be them giving themselves time to process the news. If you're sure, you don't have to wait. My only caution is that you said "it may just be hormones," about yourself. If you really think that, you aren't obliged to rush to disclose to your parents until you know for sure.
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