Marital rape?

[Pulcetta]

Hi i'm ashamed of what i'm about to post.. It's something i never talked to anybody but it has always bothered me..i dont  know if somebody may be triggered about it sorry, or maybe i'm just being stupid. I think my father sexually abused my mother for many years .. I dont  know im always been confused about this.. Was it normal? Was it rape? Within me i always knew it was wrong. When i was a child i could hear  my parents havibg sex in their bedroom, my mother would say no stop it hurts and i could hear  her sobbing and crying but i knew he  kept doing it. I would freeze and was shocked when that happened. After a few years it stopped... I m really ashamed i endured this, i feel ashamed because i think it traumatized me and i could do nothing and now i feel worthless because i let it traumatizes me.. Maybe its just a stupid thing and not so big problem, my brother seemed not to care. What do you think?

[RockRose]

I don't think you're upset because you are letting it traumatize you - I think you're upset because you did nothing about it.  Although you couldn't.  You were a child.  

Forgive yourself for not doing anything about this.  Your mother was the adult,  and your father was the adult,  and they should have not done this to both you and your brother.  This is not your fault.  

[Pulcetta]

OK thanks for tour answer.. So in your opinion is it not so strange it bothers me? Sorry it may seem a silly question but i need some kind of validation.. I was already thinking about seeing a therapist but i fear telling about this 'secret'

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, the thing about not doing something because you are afraid, is that you then continue to have to live in the limbo of being afraid, and that is nowhere to live.  A therapist will help I am sure.  It is not strange that it bothers you, kids should not be exposed to sex, let alone violent unconsensual sex between someone you are dependent on and someone you love.  Your brother might act like it doesn't bother him but you getting counseling might be an inspiration to him to do likewise, don't be surprised.  In the meantime, though, just focus on you.  

[AnnieBrooke]

In your shoes I would see a therapist.  You shouldn't have to hear it.

[MikeyBagoDonuts]

Pulcetta, do not be ashamed, two things I will say about your brother, first of all many men are aggressive and many men don't show emotion like many women do. I am a different type of man because I am very emotional and I am meek. It doesn't matter if your brother didn't think it was a big deal, what matters are your feelings. I can't be sure because some people are into role playing but at least from what you said it does seem like your mother was being raped. You were a child, never feel ashamed that you couldn't stop it from happening. I would suggest you look online for a support group. There are support groups for everything. If you can't find one for that exact situation I would suggest you go to a women's group for rape survivors or for general abuse. Either of these would help you I'm sure. Many people dismiss support groups but I attend NA for drug addiction and we always talk about how we feel bad for "normal people" because they don't have what we have. When I am upset I can call any one of hundreds of people I know from NA and they will literally drop anything they are doing to come get me or come be with me or just to talk on the phone as long as I need. Many have left work for me, left their kids games or plays, someone has even left a funeral when I called him crying that I felt worthless. Support groups are amazing because everyone in that room knows what you are going through and understands you so well that all they have to do is meet you and within seconds they will feel an eternal bond with you and most of them will immediately love you. Nobody can understand how good this feels until they are apart of it. I hope you take my advice and go to a support group. Your family will be there, you just haven't met them yet.

[Pulcetta]

Hi thank you for your reply. Last month i finally started seeing a therapist, i still havent' talked about this issue, but i will bring this out when i will be ready. I still feel a lot of shame about it, for many years i lived in a sort of nightmare and i feel so ashamed because it happened to my mother and not me, i don't know what to think. The only thing i'm sure is that it was not some game between them.

[Ljbmaryland]

I posted a long reply but I don't see it? Please let me know if you see or don't see it before I try to retype that long post...Lol
Thanks

[Nighthawk61]

Your post didn't come through, unless it was a private message, often if you are typing a long post, it pays to send it and continue on in another box , or you can copy what you've written periodically and not lose all info (should you lose an entire post) Good luck in the future with your posts. Think about coming back and typing it out again.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm really glad that the answers that you've received have given you some peace to move forward in the direction of therapy. I'm also sure it will help you. What happened between your mom and dad was a terrible thing for children to hear and to feel they have to respond to as you did. Please know that it never hurts to speak out against one person harming another. It is a brave, selfless thing to do and you should be proud. Nothing here that happened is shameful for you or for your mother, the victim. The shame is your father's, and his alone. Please let us know how you're doing in therapy.

[Pulcetta]

Hello thanks for your replies.. They give me the strenght, now i m sure i had not an abnornal reaction i'm not so strange after all. I don't feel like going into deeper details into a forum but i did intervene to stop and i always thought maybe i was wrong and it was not my right to interfere. Now i think i will go to a therapist , i hope she will understand me