I Need To Vent

[EliteBoss]

Ok so details first 1. I am male 2. I am not gay just a bit messed up in the head 3. That's basically it

Ok so let me start this off my brother abused/molested me when I was 8 and he was 10 and it has happened multiple times all the way of age 10 until he stopped around when I made it to 10 I kept not wanting to do It but I that's just it for some reason I enjoyed it at such a young age and I hate myself for liking it and I always begged him after to stop do this but he never did. We used to do weird role-playing games and we would end up doing this ever game and I honestly hate myself so my much for liking it and my parents never found out now I am kinda messed up in the head from this and I honestly just have to get this off of my chest now we did this so many times and I feel awful and actually enjoyed it. Now when I got older my brother threatened my life and physically has attacked me before and my parents never did anything. He has no value for human life and cares more about his pc then me. And this pc things started at 12-Present and I tried to befriend him but for some reason he hates me and I've been just messed up in the head for most of my life and I just need to vent all if this out so I feel better. Could you guys give me any advice for how to cope with this better and the abusive still could happen. And my parents really don't care much. Welp any questions you have or and advice for me for anything or to help me cope without talking to a professional please let me know. P.s I've still been able to keep my sense of humor so guess that's a good sign right? Oh and my brother hates me because of a pc for no reason so yeah! Oh and I also hated myself for liking the sexual abuse. And I'm not gay and it's hard for me to like females and remember those females so advice with that too would be appreciated. Oh by the way it's a miracle that I'm not insane from all the stupidness I've  had in life! Oh quick question do you think I'm lucky to not have ended up crazy?

[Gingin44]

It's not a matter if you're gay or not so dont even let that mess with your head. If you're not gay then you're not. Unlike the previous poster, I didn't see you gay bashing. Just trying to make it clear that being gay wasn't the reason you enjoyed it. I think you're a little confused about exactly what you did like about it. Probably more so the attention you were receiving than the actual act. You seem distraught that your brother "no longer likes you". I believe you are struggling with liking the attention your brother showed you which now he shows you none. You sound very young. Because you were both young and maybe curious at the time, I'm not sure how that would be labeled. Maybe you need to confront your brother and tell him you forgive him and it's okay because you were both kids. Maybe his anger towards you is him hiding behind shame he feels. Good luck!