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2 Men, Same Ovulation Week, Who’s the Father?
I am looking for some help with possibly determining whom the father is of my unborn child based on dates. Given the circumstances, myself nor one of the men are really in a situation to ‘secretly’ do a DNA test. (We are both married with spouses and children - PLEASE don not bash NOT judge ; I know my errors and my mistakes)
Dates provided below to anyone whom might be able to help:
LMP: 2/23/18 (28 day cycle)
Sex with guy #1: 3/4/18 & 3/6/18 (no protection; NO “pull out” method)
Sex with guy #2: 3/9/18 (no protection; “pull out” method USED)
First Positive Test: 3/18/18 (VERY early; though this is my 5th pregnancy; retested on 3/22/18 since first test was very faint line)
Due Date: 11/30/1
Any help is GREATLY appreciated
Dates provided below to anyone whom might be able to help:
LMP: 2/23/18 (28 day cycle)
Sex with guy #1: 3/4/18 & 3/6/18 (no protection; NO “pull out” method)
Sex with guy #2: 3/9/18 (no protection; “pull out” method USED)
First Positive Test: 3/18/18 (VERY early; though this is my 5th pregnancy; retested on 3/22/18 since first test was very faint line)
Due Date: 11/30/1
Any help is GREATLY appreciated
COMMUNITY LEADER
Would you be planning to have this discussion anyway, or only if the other guy comes up positive as the dad once the baby is born? I'm not trying to be a nuisance here, I am just saying that having this discussion (hard as it is) is worse if it is delayed, since the guy realizes how long the woman knew this was an issue and she kept the fact from him. This is a disclosure that, if you are going to disclose at all, is better done soon and a lot worse if avoided for many months. The guy will see those months of silence (in retrospect) as months of being deluded by you.
5 Comments
I have honestly debated on it. I am really struggling and the fact of knowing how and when the right timing is, is extremely hard. I’m feel whether I say or don’t say anything, I am at a full lose.
Loss*
You are in a difficult spot for obvious reasons. Here is the scenario that happens for some women. They test with Mr. Wrong, and Mr. Wrong comes back as a negative. They do not test with Mr. Right because they don't want to tell him there is a need to test. Then, it begins to prey on their mind. Did Mr. Wrong send his buddy to the lab in his place? Was the lab reliable? Every lab has mistakes from time to time, was this a lab error? For women in that spot, only getting a positive on Mr. Right along with the negative on Mr. Wrong will do.
I don't know if you are that kind of person or if getting a negative on Mr. Wrong would be enough and you would sail on and never look back. If that is the case, there goes half of my objection to you delaying a DNA test until the baby is born. There is at least a chance that you will get a negative on Mr. Wrong. If you would believe it, that would be enough.
But, but, but ... what happens if you get a positive when you test with Mr. Wrong? Then, if you have waited for the full length of the pregnancy to cough up the truth to your husband, ooh, baby that is a super big slap in the face to your husband. He will feel (and probably rightly) that you didn't care enough about him for the last nine months to tell him the truth about the current state of your relationship. That is adding months of deception to a one-time betrayal, making it lots worse. Plus, he will realize you never intended to tell him unless forced to by the results of the test, and will begin to wonder what else you have been unforthcoming to him about.
This is why testing now would be helpful, if you can manage to scrape up the money in any way at all. You would know very soon, and if you test with your husband and the other guy you will be sure. Then you can have the talk with your husband much closer to the time of the betrayal, you can even pretend that you aren't sure who the dad is but you want him to know that this is the situation. (That preserves his trust that you at least are truthful.) Then he will be prepared to test when the baby comes, and you can go forward from there.
If there is nowhere at all to get the money, I would consider doing what I just described, say you aren't sure who the dad is but that he deserves to know that a DNA test is in order when the baby comes.
You should also consider the backlash into your fling's marriage if you do tell your husband who the fling is. One of the first things he is likely to do is talk either to the guy or even to his wife, and so the guy needs to be ready for that.
My suggestion is, talk all of this over with a counselor. Figure out what the consequences would be if you told and if you didn't tell now. Figure out what the backlash would be. And then make a plan.
I don't know if you are that kind of person or if getting a negative on Mr. Wrong would be enough and you would sail on and never look back. If that is the case, there goes half of my objection to you delaying a DNA test until the baby is born. There is at least a chance that you will get a negative on Mr. Wrong. If you would believe it, that would be enough.
But, but, but ... what happens if you get a positive when you test with Mr. Wrong? Then, if you have waited for the full length of the pregnancy to cough up the truth to your husband, ooh, baby that is a super big slap in the face to your husband. He will feel (and probably rightly) that you didn't care enough about him for the last nine months to tell him the truth about the current state of your relationship. That is adding months of deception to a one-time betrayal, making it lots worse. Plus, he will realize you never intended to tell him unless forced to by the results of the test, and will begin to wonder what else you have been unforthcoming to him about.
This is why testing now would be helpful, if you can manage to scrape up the money in any way at all. You would know very soon, and if you test with your husband and the other guy you will be sure. Then you can have the talk with your husband much closer to the time of the betrayal, you can even pretend that you aren't sure who the dad is but you want him to know that this is the situation. (That preserves his trust that you at least are truthful.) Then he will be prepared to test when the baby comes, and you can go forward from there.
If there is nowhere at all to get the money, I would consider doing what I just described, say you aren't sure who the dad is but that he deserves to know that a DNA test is in order when the baby comes.
You should also consider the backlash into your fling's marriage if you do tell your husband who the fling is. One of the first things he is likely to do is talk either to the guy or even to his wife, and so the guy needs to be ready for that.
My suggestion is, talk all of this over with a counselor. Figure out what the consequences would be if you told and if you didn't tell now. Figure out what the backlash would be. And then make a plan.
That was honestly something I had on my mind was going and speaking with a counselor. I just wasn’t sure if that was an acceptable approach. But you help has been amazing! ❤️❤️❤️
When you talk with the counselor, be sure to address the consequences to the children should this all become known. Somewhere in there is an answer, it won't be perfect but it should put the kids' needs first (his kids as well as yours). Be sure you think the counselor is getting the point, that the innocent parties who can be hurt from this are more or less vulnerable, and you want to place a high priority on not hurting the kids even if it means a less than satisfactory solution in other ways. If your counselor is not helpful, find a different counselor.
COMMUNITY LEADER
What do you intend to say to your husband if DNA testing after the baby is born proves the baby came from the other guy?
1 Comments
Unfortunately, I will have to have a honest discuss with him and let him know. As much as I wouldn’t want to crush him, it’s something I feel would be the right thing. To do.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I should also mention that although the egg does not last all that long before it must be fertilized or become non-viable, sperm lasts a lot longer. The usual number you hear is 4-6 days in the woman's reproductive tract. Some research suggests longer, other research suggests the sperm is not mighty enough to penetrate the egg after about day 6. This is why I was saying if the ovulation date was the 9th (and there is no guarantee from what you were told that it is, since it was to some extent based on your LMP), you could well have had living sperm from both men in your reproductive tract at the same time. Then it would be just luck of the draw. In any event, if your ovulation was on the 9th that does not rule out your husband.
1 Comments
It’s the pre-natal testing that is the costly one that makes it hard to do right now and making my situation to where I would almost have to wait til after the baby is born. I wish I could afford to do both honestly. I would do it in an instant! Looks like I will have to wait until the little babes is born and do a DNA testing. As much as I want to know and for how crazy it makes me not knowing, regardless this child is my child and it will be loved fully just as my other little ones even if it is not my husbands child.
I can’t tell you thank you enough for the responses and time you have given to helping me out. I greatly appreciate it!
I can’t tell you thank you enough for the responses and time you have given to helping me out. I greatly appreciate it!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I was not talking about the cost of the DNA test once the baby is born. They are not too expensive for most people. I was talking about doing a pre-natal test and knowing quite soon, if you have the much larger money it takes to do one. (It's about ten times as expensive as doing a post-natal test.) Mostly the women who do these are those where the question is literally life and death, for them or the baby, and for whom it matters that much to know before the baby is born. I'll send you a pm with some information, I just caution that you only use the top lab in the world for it. (They have relationships with labs all over the world to collect the samples.) A woman wrote in recently who used a cheap lab with a crummy reputation, and she is no better off than she was before the testing, feeling like she cannot know for sure if what the test told her is true. You really don't want that. And for the same reason, you don't want to test with only the one guy. You never want to wonder "What if the test was WRONG?!?!?", which is in fact what happens when there is any ambiguity. You want a positive for one guy and a negative for the other. Those two tests would back each other up and you would not become prey to doubt.
What ovulation means is that your ovary popped an egg out into your Fallopian tube on that day. The egg can live up to 36 hours before it must be fertilized or become non-viable. But assuming that you ovulated at day 14 of your cycle is risky. Some women do ovulate right on the dot when expected. Others do not, even ones who have had a consistent cycle length for a year and a half. Women's ovulation can be triggered by a lot of things (including close proximity to a group of women who cycle at a different time) so you can't just say "My last period was on the 26th and my next period was due on the 23rd, therefore I ovulated on the 9th." The only way you could know that for sure is if you did actually have a period on the 23rd, which of course you did not. (Ovulation leads into the period, the last period does not lead into ovulation.)
Anyway, how dire is the situation? If the baby were to turn out to be from your fling, what would you do? If you need to make a serious decision now if the father was not your husband, you might look into DNA testing now. If you contact Ravgen, ask them about the mechanism of discreet testing, and also about how someone would get their results if they didn't want anything to come to them in the mail. In all cases, stay away from cheapie so-called "labs" that advertise heavily on the Internet. I cannot exaggerate the misery they have caused.
What ovulation means is that your ovary popped an egg out into your Fallopian tube on that day. The egg can live up to 36 hours before it must be fertilized or become non-viable. But assuming that you ovulated at day 14 of your cycle is risky. Some women do ovulate right on the dot when expected. Others do not, even ones who have had a consistent cycle length for a year and a half. Women's ovulation can be triggered by a lot of things (including close proximity to a group of women who cycle at a different time) so you can't just say "My last period was on the 26th and my next period was due on the 23rd, therefore I ovulated on the 9th." The only way you could know that for sure is if you did actually have a period on the 23rd, which of course you did not. (Ovulation leads into the period, the last period does not lead into ovulation.)
Anyway, how dire is the situation? If the baby were to turn out to be from your fling, what would you do? If you need to make a serious decision now if the father was not your husband, you might look into DNA testing now. If you contact Ravgen, ask them about the mechanism of discreet testing, and also about how someone would get their results if they didn't want anything to come to them in the mail. In all cases, stay away from cheapie so-called "labs" that advertise heavily on the Internet. I cannot exaggerate the misery they have caused.
COMMUNITY LEADER
By what method did you get your due date, by ultrasound? If so, do you have any way to know if the doctor based the due date only on the measurements and developmental markers of the embryo and not on your last period? How early did you get the due date, and again, was it from a doc looking at an ultrasound, or did he or she just pull out a little cardboard wheel and base it on the first day of your last period?
You mention that you are "not in a position" to do a DNA test, is that because of the cost? Because you can certainly do a test. Ravgen does discreet testing using someone's toothbrush or a swab from the edge of a drinking glass. It is understandable if the impediment to testing is financial, many women who write in don't do prenatal testing for that reason. But it is not impossible to keep it a secret.
How regular are your 28-day cycles -- if you wrote a bar-chart of them, would it look like a solid block, with no variation at all for months and months? If your periods come every Day 28 and have never failed to come exactly that day for years, and if "pulling out" did not protect you from sperm in the second guy's pre-ejaculatory fluid (which unfortunately it does not), both men could have had living sperm in your reproductive tract at the same time. Just from your report of having 28-day cycles, that could have been the very day you ovulated. But it might be something we could clarify for sure if we knew the exact data about your first ultrasound. Write back. :)
You mention that you are "not in a position" to do a DNA test, is that because of the cost? Because you can certainly do a test. Ravgen does discreet testing using someone's toothbrush or a swab from the edge of a drinking glass. It is understandable if the impediment to testing is financial, many women who write in don't do prenatal testing for that reason. But it is not impossible to keep it a secret.
How regular are your 28-day cycles -- if you wrote a bar-chart of them, would it look like a solid block, with no variation at all for months and months? If your periods come every Day 28 and have never failed to come exactly that day for years, and if "pulling out" did not protect you from sperm in the second guy's pre-ejaculatory fluid (which unfortunately it does not), both men could have had living sperm in your reproductive tract at the same time. Just from your report of having 28-day cycles, that could have been the very day you ovulated. But it might be something we could clarify for sure if we knew the exact data about your first ultrasound. Write back. :)
1 Comments
Hi there. Thank you so much for responding! I’ve been driving myself crazy over this. Of course, make #2 knows I am pregnant (as I work with him and knows it’s very possible to could be his). Of course my husband thinks it’s his and his only as he does not know of my infidelity. Which is utterly heartbreaking for me.
Yes, the doctor did an ultrasound on my first visit. She said I was approx 7 weeks at that point and this was all based of the sono (which of course there wasn’t much to see at that time) and based off my LMP. My MP’s every single month are precisely 28 days with out skipping a beat. I’ve tried all these online calculators and it keep freaking myself out because they all say my actually ovulation was 3/9 to 3/10 but I have no clue what that means!!!
And the cost of doing a DNA a test after the baby is born is definitely not an issue. My biggest issue is how and where do I receive the information? I sure can’t have anything coming to my home in the mail or to work. And I know he (guy #2) is open to providing dna sample so I have a piece of mind. But I also told him regardless I want nothing of him, to do with him, nothing period. I am willing to pay for the dna testing just so I know at the end of the day who the father of my child is. I’m just utterly lost. I made one mistake, did it ONE time, and now I’m pregnant.
And if it helps, my daughter was born in 2014, and I took birth control up until approx 1.5 years ago after having her up to getting pregnant this time currently. So my husband and I have never used protection and never pulled out during that 1.5 years and I never fell pregnant during the last 1.5 years. With my two losses, and my son and daughter, I got pregnant on one try with all of those 4 pregnancies. Blows my mind to think, we go a year and half and nothing?? With that thought, scares me to think it is possibly male #2.
Any guidance, help or advise would be GREATLY appreciated! ❤️
Yes, the doctor did an ultrasound on my first visit. She said I was approx 7 weeks at that point and this was all based of the sono (which of course there wasn’t much to see at that time) and based off my LMP. My MP’s every single month are precisely 28 days with out skipping a beat. I’ve tried all these online calculators and it keep freaking myself out because they all say my actually ovulation was 3/9 to 3/10 but I have no clue what that means!!!
And the cost of doing a DNA a test after the baby is born is definitely not an issue. My biggest issue is how and where do I receive the information? I sure can’t have anything coming to my home in the mail or to work. And I know he (guy #2) is open to providing dna sample so I have a piece of mind. But I also told him regardless I want nothing of him, to do with him, nothing period. I am willing to pay for the dna testing just so I know at the end of the day who the father of my child is. I’m just utterly lost. I made one mistake, did it ONE time, and now I’m pregnant.
And if it helps, my daughter was born in 2014, and I took birth control up until approx 1.5 years ago after having her up to getting pregnant this time currently. So my husband and I have never used protection and never pulled out during that 1.5 years and I never fell pregnant during the last 1.5 years. With my two losses, and my son and daughter, I got pregnant on one try with all of those 4 pregnancies. Blows my mind to think, we go a year and half and nothing?? With that thought, scares me to think it is possibly male #2.
Any guidance, help or advise would be GREATLY appreciated! ❤️
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