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My son as a possible 2 fathers what can I do
My son has a possible 2 dad's who are both father and son, I was in a relationship with 1 but slept with his dad when I found out he was cheating on me, I asked my non partner if he wanted to find out and he refused to do a test I really want to know who the father is what can I do ? Should I write to both dad's and let them know
Seaside, I would feel differently if I thought it would ever affect your child's trust in you if he grew up and discovered the guy he thought was his grandpa was his dad. But it sounds like you are saying your child would never understand or care. And if it is a huge fuss, hassle, would cause uproar, and hostility between your ex and his dad, and if it would require legal help to get Grandpa/Dad to test, and if testing would bring you nothing in terms of financial assistance, I just don't see testing or trying to force the issue, especially if your main motivation is just your own curiosity.
What I would do is try to get on as firm of financial footing as is possible yourself. Get more education or training, try to find a way to a more lucrative profession, because this is mostly going to be on you since both guys are pretty much going to be deadbeats financially.
OK, so, let's talk about the long, long run. If you can get onto a financial footing where you are taking care of yourself and your son without the ex's assistance, I think you probably should test with the ex-boyfriend. Or at least, let him off his child-support obligation. I can't stress enough that you do this with legal advice, though -- you do not want to have your ex come at you to get all the child support back!!! Only test if you are ready to let go of claims on your ex for child support and if your lawyer assures you that you will not be obligated to pay back your ex. (I can't stress enough that if you do test, you should only use a legitimate lab under the supervision of neutral lab techs and under the authority of the family court. No cheapo drugstore tests, too much potential for him to fake it.) Do it right and with legal advice, or don't do it.
The only reason I suggest testing and possibly losing your child support (such as it is), is that it is really not fair to ask for child support from someone who is not the real father, whether he is the son of the real father or not. But again, this is a decision to make when you have your financial feet under you and can stand on your own. It's a practical decision you have to make in the face of a moral issue.
What I would do is try to get on as firm of financial footing as is possible yourself. Get more education or training, try to find a way to a more lucrative profession, because this is mostly going to be on you since both guys are pretty much going to be deadbeats financially.
OK, so, let's talk about the long, long run. If you can get onto a financial footing where you are taking care of yourself and your son without the ex's assistance, I think you probably should test with the ex-boyfriend. Or at least, let him off his child-support obligation. I can't stress enough that you do this with legal advice, though -- you do not want to have your ex come at you to get all the child support back!!! Only test if you are ready to let go of claims on your ex for child support and if your lawyer assures you that you will not be obligated to pay back your ex. (I can't stress enough that if you do test, you should only use a legitimate lab under the supervision of neutral lab techs and under the authority of the family court. No cheapo drugstore tests, too much potential for him to fake it.) Do it right and with legal advice, or don't do it.
The only reason I suggest testing and possibly losing your child support (such as it is), is that it is really not fair to ask for child support from someone who is not the real father, whether he is the son of the real father or not. But again, this is a decision to make when you have your financial feet under you and can stand on your own. It's a practical decision you have to make in the face of a moral issue.
Hi, when you say "I asked my non partner if he wanted to find out and he refused to do a test," what person was that?
17 Comments
It was the the father/grandad my ex dad who refused
Well, if you want, write in on the DNA/Paternity forum like this (if you still have the information) and we can see if we can tell who the dad is from just the dates and ultrasound results from when you were pregnant. Or, just write it right here and I can do it. It might not be necessary to do a DNA test, sometimes the information is more clear than you know. Write it like this:
First day of last period before getting pregnant (calendar date)___________
Sex with ex (dates)__________________
Sex with ex's dad (dates)____________________
Learned you were pregnant (date)__________________
First ultrasound (date)______ said you were due on (date)________________
If we can figure out from the dates that Grandpa/Dad has a real chance to be the actual father, I can see why you would want to be sure who the dad is. However, we should do all we can to work out whether this chance even exists, before rocking a lot of boats and revealing things to your ex that might not matter in the end (such as, that you slept with his dad). If the dates do not suggest Ex's father, there is no reason to ever tell Ex that you did, especially with violence in the picture.
I'm glad Ex is paying child support, and the question of not rocking the financial boat is of great practical importance, and there is even some poetic justice in having him pay child support if he was violent towards you. But even if Ex is the world's biggest creep, he should not have to pay child support if the child is from his dad. His father should be paying the child support. If (after working out the dates and realizing that Ex's father has a strong chance) if you then found out by DNA test that Grandpa/Dad is the actual dad, does Grandpa/Dad have any money and would he pay child support? Would it destroy Grandpa/Dad's marriage? Is he the kind of guy who would skip town or be a deadbeat? The value of having the child support you are getting has to be a big part of deciding what you want to learn. If you lose the child support you are getting from Ex and can't replace it from Grandpa/Dad, is that worth satisfying your curiosity?
If your son won't understand the issue, you don't need to know who the dad is for your son's sake. It might never matter to him. But if Ex is paying until the child is 18 (or longer if the courts say he needs to), that is a miscarriage of justice if actually Grandpa/Dad should be who is paying. From a practical point of view, though, you and your son probably need the money, right? I don't usually encourage possible paternity fraud, but you do have to live.
If you think Grandpa/Dad would pay child support if a DNA test shows he is the dad, but are concerned about your Ex's reaction if he learns who the possible other guy is, you would need to work this out carefully. You could either test with Grandpa/Dad without telling Ex (because of fears of violence) and only tell Ex the news if he is not the dad, or you could test Ex first and only go through the legal process to force Grandpa/Dad to test, if Ex is not the dad. But testing could kiss your child support goodbye for at least a while, because it will take a while to subpoena Grandpa/Dad and to get him to the lab. How much money do you have of your own? How much money do either of the guys have? What would be the family dynamics if you forced the issue with disclosures and subpoenas?
First day of last period before getting pregnant (calendar date)___________
Sex with ex (dates)__________________
Sex with ex's dad (dates)____________________
Learned you were pregnant (date)__________________
First ultrasound (date)______ said you were due on (date)________________
If we can figure out from the dates that Grandpa/Dad has a real chance to be the actual father, I can see why you would want to be sure who the dad is. However, we should do all we can to work out whether this chance even exists, before rocking a lot of boats and revealing things to your ex that might not matter in the end (such as, that you slept with his dad). If the dates do not suggest Ex's father, there is no reason to ever tell Ex that you did, especially with violence in the picture.
I'm glad Ex is paying child support, and the question of not rocking the financial boat is of great practical importance, and there is even some poetic justice in having him pay child support if he was violent towards you. But even if Ex is the world's biggest creep, he should not have to pay child support if the child is from his dad. His father should be paying the child support. If (after working out the dates and realizing that Ex's father has a strong chance) if you then found out by DNA test that Grandpa/Dad is the actual dad, does Grandpa/Dad have any money and would he pay child support? Would it destroy Grandpa/Dad's marriage? Is he the kind of guy who would skip town or be a deadbeat? The value of having the child support you are getting has to be a big part of deciding what you want to learn. If you lose the child support you are getting from Ex and can't replace it from Grandpa/Dad, is that worth satisfying your curiosity?
If your son won't understand the issue, you don't need to know who the dad is for your son's sake. It might never matter to him. But if Ex is paying until the child is 18 (or longer if the courts say he needs to), that is a miscarriage of justice if actually Grandpa/Dad should be who is paying. From a practical point of view, though, you and your son probably need the money, right? I don't usually encourage possible paternity fraud, but you do have to live.
If you think Grandpa/Dad would pay child support if a DNA test shows he is the dad, but are concerned about your Ex's reaction if he learns who the possible other guy is, you would need to work this out carefully. You could either test with Grandpa/Dad without telling Ex (because of fears of violence) and only tell Ex the news if he is not the dad, or you could test Ex first and only go through the legal process to force Grandpa/Dad to test, if Ex is not the dad. But testing could kiss your child support goodbye for at least a while, because it will take a while to subpoena Grandpa/Dad and to get him to the lab. How much money do you have of your own? How much money do either of the guys have? What would be the family dynamics if you forced the issue with disclosures and subpoenas?
It would be great if I could find out thar way, sadly I don't know dates even from first scan I was given 3 different weeks of pregnancy due to problems they thought my son had he wasn't measuring right with head, spine and legs , his due date was may but was born 20th january at 25 weeks and 6 days that was in 2006 , I don't kniw if you can work out a conceive from that, but i did sleep with grandpa more than once
Do you know if you slept with Ex or with Grandpa/Dad around the first week of August? Just a fast look at the calendar says that is where it would have needed to be in order to line up with the child being 25 weeks 6 days on January 20.
Can I test with just one possible dad tbdn even if there both related , I wouldn't know of id trust him to actually send me his Sample and not use any one else if that makes sense , my son does look alot like grandpa nose, Eyes , smile and other features
Also, getting back to the hard realities, what would happen if you found out that Grandpa/Dad is the father? Does Grandpa/Dad have a responsible attitude and does he have the money and would it ruin his life and his family's faith in him if they found out? Some of this might make the not-rocking-the-boat approach a stronger option, especially because your son is never going to do a DNA test for fun and come back at you angrily because you misled him about his paternity.
Grandpa definitely would have done yes, ex not too sure as alot of time we used to pass on stairs so had be going to bed as o was getting up.
You would get the answer you needed from a DNA test from either one of them, but it would have to be done in a highly secure way (through legal subpoena with you witnessing) to keep Ex from sending a buddy in his place, if he is trying to get out of paying. And if Grandpa/Dad doesn't want to test, it will have to be done (with a subpoena and you witnessing again), it can't be done by someone "sending you a sample." The courts will not accept that kind of flimsy evidence, for good reason.
Getting back to the hard realities, before you write anyone a letter, look at what you have now and what you stand to lose. For one thing, you are going to need legal help. A lawyer costs money, and even if you go to a legal clinic, there will be some fees. And in reality, what would happen if you found out that Grandpa/Dad is the father? Does Grandpa/Dad have a responsible attitude and does he have the money and would it ruin his life and his family's faith in him if they found out? Some of this might make the not-rocking-the-boat approach a stronger option, especially because your son is never going to do a DNA test for fun and come back at you angrily because you misled him about his paternity.
Getting back to the hard realities, before you write anyone a letter, look at what you have now and what you stand to lose. For one thing, you are going to need legal help. A lawyer costs money, and even if you go to a legal clinic, there will be some fees. And in reality, what would happen if you found out that Grandpa/Dad is the father? Does Grandpa/Dad have a responsible attitude and does he have the money and would it ruin his life and his family's faith in him if they found out? Some of this might make the not-rocking-the-boat approach a stronger option, especially because your son is never going to do a DNA test for fun and come back at you angrily because you misled him about his paternity.
(Sorry about that part that repeated. Things are pausing before posting on the site today.)
Theres a good chance I slept with grandpa at that time , my ex I'm not top sure as most nights I'd go to bed alone and we certainly didn't get upto anything during day
Has your ex ever asked if he needed to take a DNA test? (You weren't married at the time, correct?) Has he always paid child support?
No we have never been married he's not always paid no he's actually in arrears right now
No hes never asked about DNA test
I'm just trying to get at what would be the point of finding out that Grandpa/Dad is the father. Does Grandpa/Dad have any money, and would he pay up if you went after him for child support?
I'm not sure of his money circumstances as I've not had contract with either for a while , don't know if he would pay anything either if I'm been honest
And what about his social circumstances? Would it ruin his life, or his standing in the family, or anything like that if you did make a fuss and take him in for DNA testing? (I mean, if he refuses to test just because you ask, it would probably take a legal decision to get him to the lab, and that would be hard to keep quiet.)
Your right too much hassle I know he has 8 other children from different relationships and is married as far as I know
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That's a complicated situation. Does your ex pay child support now? Does your ex or his dad have any relationship with your son? I'd think in terms of being practical. It probably won't make your son feel good if he learns the person he thought was his dad isn't and their father really is. If these men are positive in your child's life, I wouldn't rock the boat personally. If you want to know and don't plan on making the information public, then it's okay. but if it is a ruse for a big brawl between dad and son, not worth it. I'd just stay practical. What will create the best and most peaceful situation for your son---- a relationship with either man and child support that is your child's right from his dad (or dad's dad or family or whatever). good luck
6 Comments
My ex pays child support but none of them has seen my son for 6 years nearly, plus my son has severe learning disabilities so wouldn't understand either way .
Ah sorry about the learning disabilities. I have a son with sensory integration disorder which is a neurological delay and that creates learning 'differences'. They can do a lot too help kids these days.
Anyway, if your ex IS paying child support --- really, I'm not sure you want to rock that boat. That income is probably important and if he isn't the dad,, you don't want to jeopardize losing it. ?
Anyway, if your ex IS paying child support --- really, I'm not sure you want to rock that boat. That income is probably important and if he isn't the dad,, you don't want to jeopardize losing it. ?
Thank You for your reply
No problem. Sorry that the dad (dads) do not do the decent thing and have a relationship with your son. But if either was violent, I guess it is for the best. We have forums here for kids with disabilities as I know it can be lonely raising kids that struggle and it's nice to have people to talk to.
How do I search for forums for kids with disabilities
There are specific forums for different issues like autism, aspergers, sensory, add/adhd, speech, special needs and I'm on the child behavior forum a lot. That's a good place to post about things going on. The community leader of that forum is great--- he's an ex principal and dad/grandfather that knows a ton about kids. At the top, it says "communities" and you can click on that and look through the forums. I think Child Behavior is a good catch all and you can ask about things at school or home. :>)
Oh no. So grandpa could actually be dad. I guess you could sue for child support, and then he could respond by demanding a DNA test. Does your boyfriend know you had sex with his dad?
1 Comments
My ex partner doesn't know as far as i know we've not seen him for nearly six years due to violence he showed towards us
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