Struggling to cope

[KATE535]

I haven’t been on medhelp for years but found it a good source of support in the past.
I’ve been struggling with my sadness for a long time and whilst there’s things that make me happy, there’s quite a lot of sadness in me. It can take something quite significant to happen and I can’t deal with it well...
The underlying cause of my unhappiness is that I feel a failure. It’s mainly in relation to my career. I have a first honours degree and am well qualified and I’ve worked for 11 years with the local authority... my job is dull but hectic, it’s exhausting but bores me to death... in a nutshell I effectively work as a housing advisor but in fact it’s nothing more than a glorified call centre. I’ve been doing this particular job for over 4 years.
I’ve tried to progress and just yesterday got the outcome I didn’t want after a recruitment process- I didn’t get the job. I was shortlisted from 115 applications and was one of 20 for interviews. There were 5 jobs. Basically what I do never seems to count as valuable experience and I feel even more depressed now that I’m trapped here indefinitely. I can’t quit because I have a family to support.
I feel hopeless and often cry about my situation. I’m reluctant to go to my GP as medication only caused me to be overweight and reckless (I started drinking wine every evening - not enough to have a major impact... but half a bottle a night... and kind of enjoying the numbness of not caring much about things I should, like being responsible with money etc) I don’t want to not care about things again ... I’m a parent and have responsibilities and I always prioritise my children in everything. I should add that for the second time in trying to get a promotion, I've been told I was very close and only just lost out. I'm losing the will to keep the fight up to get a different position but equally dread my working day as it is now.
I don’t know where else to turn but feel quite desperate. I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown in this horrendous prison sentence of a job I spend 8 hours a day, Monday to Friday doing.

[specialmom]

Well, in terms of the text messages . . . stop sending them period to your partner.  He's, I guess, not wanting to be a dumping ground for your unhappiness.  What about a journal to get it out and release the emotion?  What about a good kick boxing class and you can pound out your frustrations.  :>)

It's time for some change.  Yes, call the doctor.  See a therapist.  And search for other jobs.  You don't have to stay at the same place you are now . .  . see what else is out there as well as what other departments if you do stay with the same employer.  

The stuff with your partner stings.  I'm more worried about you right now and your kids.  Get a plan for yourself together. Doctor, therapist and job search sites.  We have recruiters in the states that someone interested in looking for jobs can call and start seeing what is out there or Linked IN is another source of seeing job postings.  Or making connections for future jobs.  There are a lot of job boards also you can check out.  Try not to get overwhelmed.  And hey . . .do you have any vacation you can use to take a mental health day here and there to get a break?

[KATE535]

You are right. I'm going to stop the messages. I guess why vent to him like that when he doesn't want to hear it. It's a lose lose I guess - it only drives him away and for me it might be even reinforcing my misery. A journal is an idea.

I'm going to ring the doctor tomorrow and try to get an appointment.

[specialmom]

This is an idea that counselors offer too which is to compartmentalize life  Work is work.  When you touch your home door knob, you visualize work leaving you.  It's gone. It's done for the day.  You can't take it through the door with you.  Try it.  And glad you are going to ring the doctor.  

We like to think we can just lay it out there with our partners but he is sending you a message he wants you to work on these things and ultimately, it will be better for you if you do and for your kids too  hugs

[specialmom]

Ah, sweetie, I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time.  Depression is so hard to deal with especially when you do have other responsibilities like you do.  I'm really sorry.  So, I will say this and I am sure you know this and I'm not trying to lump on to how you are feeling.  But the half a bottle of wine a night to numb out is unhealthy.  That's self medicating and exactly how alcoholism starts.  Most alcoholics or those with addictions in general start like that and it is a progressive disease.  The last thing you want to pile on dealing with is an addiction problem, especially with your kids.  

I'm a woman and understand about weight gain.  But, honey. Oh my oh my, gaining some weight is far and away much preferable to eventual consequences of drinking.  And while you say it 'always' makes you gain weight . . .   there are lots of choices of medication these days.  Lots of dosage options.  And since you have this information, you can preemptively work to maintain weight (watching caloric intake, working out, etc.  Often weight gain even with antidepressants consists of eating changes as eating is so often involved in our mental health.  I'm sometimes not able to eat when anxious and over eat to self soothe and comfort when feeling down, what can I say?).  If your kids are depending on you though and you are so unhappy, it may just be a necessary thing for the time being.  A little extra weight helps the wrinkles too I've found.  :>)  But honestly, if you work with your doctor with that specific concern in mind, perhaps you'll have a better outcome this time around with regards to medication. AND, there is therapy to add on.  If not on medication and feeling like this, a good psychologist can also be worth a million bucks.  Life style things can help . . . get out and exercise several times a week and it is mood lifting.  Do it with your kids.  I have a son who loves soccer and wants me to play with him. I'm panting and out of breath so know my heart rate is up . . . it's exercise.  Ride bikes with them.  Swim with them, etc.  (ideas if you don't have time to just go do something on your own because of kids).  My kids even walk with me when that's all I want to do.  They call it "keep mom's heart health walk", I kid you not.  


I'm also sorry about your partner and the relationship issues and maybe that is why you are fearing gaining weight so much?  But the nightly wine will backfire, hon.  How old are your kiddos?

Also, while THAT job you wanted seemed great . . . who knows.  And there are other jobs out there.  What I would seek as a mom in my career is a steady, good income and job duties that worked for caring for my kids.  But that is me.  I have to wonder if the focusing on job and a change isn't also about just wanting to get a new start.  You can still job seek and get a new start whether you change jobs or not.  

It will all work out.  

[KATE535]

Thanks so much for your response. I couldn't help but feel like I was reading my conscience talking to me - in that you are right about the increase in drinking and I know what that means, and could progress into. That honestly scares me because I've had alcohol everyday for around a month now due to the stress of the job application, interview preparation and waiting to hear.

The problem I have is my job makes me feel wretched all day. There's no release from phonecalls and for people in all sorts of crazy situations. I have to give advice and know how to solve their housing problems. The role is so draining yet bores me to death - a ball and chain to my desk with no let up. The fact I work this job full time, which here in the UK is 37 hours a week excluding lunch periods... means it's having an impact on other areas of my life.

I feel bitter about other roles, where people are paid more and go out of the office. My partner has recently said I'm not a nice person. But I know I am... just this position brings out the most negative emotions in me. And I will have to watch the promoted people walk around the office (which is really big and open plan) while I feel inner turmoil.

My partner and I send messages to each other during the day and in these messages, I don't know if it's a form of release but I say things like how much I hate it. He's fed up of my negativity. In person after work I am better but he's suggested staying at a hotel tonight for space.

So he can't cope with me, I can't cope with me, so I'm thinking I'll have to do what I really wanted to avoid, and that's see my doctor :(

[Paxiled]

This is a tough one.  Sadness and disappointment aren't a mental illness.  They aren't depression.  But there might be something going on with you that got you stuck in this job in the first place, but I have no way of knowing that as I don't know you or your experience.  If everyone who was unhappy because of their job was determined by that fact to be mentally ill most of the population would be that way.  The only way out is if you have a ton of motivation.  It might mean more education, taking some risks, changing your profession altogether, and that's very hard when you're responsible for a child's welfare.  You're not going to drink yourself out of this, of course, and no medication will make you like being stuck.  You might not notice it as much, but noticing it is how we get out of being stuck.  Wish there was more help here, but keep fighting for what you want.  In the meantime, you're earning enough to feed yourself and your child and that's something until you find your niche.

[KATE535]

Thanks for responding to me. I had a nervous breakdown 12 years ago after a serious bout of depression and I was hospitalised. I am always aware of my depressive tendencies. My mother is on long term prescribed medication for mental illness, my uncle committed suicide when I was 17. There has been depression in my extended family. I have fought to avoid my doctor because medication always makes me fat and deluded. I don't know if how I feel about work is down to me or if the job is truly awful. I'm currently causing problems in my relationship because of this and my partner doesn't want to be around me.