Anxiety and Sex

[Jace3349]

I have really bad anxiety when it comes to my ex and sex, yet I still keep sleeping with her, which is something I need to stop, and have for the time being. To a point where I'm making myself physically sick. I don't have anyone to talk to, so I figured I'd try here.

So,  my ex and I had sex on May 30. I used a condom, and pulled out that time as well. She then told me she started her period on June 2 and it was normal. We had sex twice in June, one on the 11th, but we didn't get to finish due to getting interrupted. Then again on the 17th. Both times I used a condom and pulled out. That's the last time we had sex. So, again, she said she bled on July 2nd for a day. She said it was lighter than normal, but it wasn't light. I think she said she went through 3 tampons. She sent me proof. I won't go into details, but it was definitely proof. She then said she spotted a little bit a couple of days later. Now it's close to time for her to have her period and she's not feeling it like it's coming. She keeps telling me she's 100% positive she's not pregnant and there's no way she could be unless God has a sense of humor.

So, I asked her to take a test, she kind of balked at the idea and said the test wouldn't be accurate at this point. The last time we had sex was a month and a half ago.She also told me that she would take a test if she was late, and she would tell me if it was negative, but wouldn't tell me if it was positive?

However, she has told me her breasts have been hurting for a little over a month, but she credits that to losing weight and them getting smaller. She also said she's been getting up more at night to urinate for the past month or so. To me these sound like early pregnancy symptoms and I'm freaking out.

Can someone please talk some sanity into me? I'm worrying myself sick.

[Paxiled]

I'm not sure what it is you're worrying about and whether you have a chronic anxiety problem or just have a problem with this one thing.  Also, there are exes and exes -- there are ex wives and exes you were in love with for years and exes you were an item with for a few weeks.  You don't say what the nature of the relationship is, but clearly you two aren't done with one another completely.  As for the pregnancy, if she had a period after the last time you had sex with her, as you appear to indicate, then she's not pregnant with your child.  That doesn't mean she isn't pregnant with someone else's child.  Now, when you say she sent you proof she's had her period, this gets into sounding pretty abnormal, don't you think?  So whatever is going on here between you two, it doesn't sound healthy or something that's going to make you happy.  So that leads to the question you're going to get on an anxiety forum, which is, just what is your mental state?  Because that's going to be your problem no matter what state your "ex" is in.  

[Paxiled]

And not to be too obvious here, but if this person makes you crazy, why do you keep having sex with her?  As I say, it sounds like the two of you aren't quite sure you're done and maybe settling that issue will get you on the way to at least getting over that one problem in your life.

[Jace3349]

I've typically been an extreme worrier. This ex was someone I dated for a few years. The relationship was very toxic, but we always had a connection was sex, and in some ways it was my comfort zone. I also suffer from a lot of self esteem issues. Whenever things went wrong with other dating prospects, I'd go back to her and we'd essentially have a FWB type relationship.

I wasn't very happy in the relationship, and the first time I ever tried to break up with her, she pulled the "I'm pregnant" card. She did it another time as well. She also said last summer she had a miscarriage right as I was about to go out on a date with someone. I know, still talking to this girl and sharing what I'm doing as far as dating was not a very good idea. I don't know if she really had a miscarriage or not, she told me she had her period like 2 weeks prior to telling me that, so that definitely made me suspicious. it hasn't really been talked about much after she said it happened, but it just seemed a little too convenient.

It sounds like what she had earlier this month was her period, it happened one day before her app said he period was supposed to start it was just a little more short lived, and from doing research, it didn't sound like implantation or anything like that. Logically in my mind it doesn't seem like there's a chance she could be pregnant. I just can't convince myself and worry myself sick. The only concern I have is that maybe the condom I use is too big? It feels snug, but it does roll up a little bit during sex. It never comes close to coming off or anything. However, every time we had sex I pulled out before ejaculation.

I know what I need to do, and that's to stop hanging around her or talking to her. I need to know if she's pregnant or not first before doing that. Given what I've told you, do you think there's any possible way she could be?

[Paxiled]

I really don't know.  It's highly unlikely -- getting pregnant for most women isn't that easy,  but some do get pregnant easily.  Given you used protection and pulled out, the odds are as low as you can make them.  The larger point, though, is that it really doesn't matter if she is or she isn't.  If she is, how do you know it's yours?  If she is, is your mental state any different, really?  That's what I meant, work on what you can work on, which is you're having a problem with the way you're thinking about things.  That you can control somewhat by seeking therapy and realizing it.  I had relationships with women that when they ended we stayed friends because we still liked one another, and had one with a woman where we'd have sex when we got together.  But she wasn't feigning pregnancy.  She wasn't doing things that were intended to manipulate me.  That's not what a friend does.  If she does these things, she's not a friend, she's an addiction.