Aa
Is he abusive or am i just pushing him to far by being wear
Im 20 and my partner is 29, i met him when i was 18. I had not long left a 2year verbally and physically abusive relationship when i met my current partner it had probably been 2 weeks since my abusive ex left me i also happened to find out my best friend committed suicide on the same day i was dumped i had not long just turned 18. I went into a frenzy of bad choices and met my current partner online and talked to him for a few weeks before meeting him. Not long after meeting him i found out another friend had died from drink driving... and in a short period of time after i had more friends pass away. I was a mess and because of my constant breakdowns from loosing the people whe meant most to me my partner assumed i was simply just a mess in general... but i wasn't like that before all this happened. After a while he got sick of me being a mess anf started getting hangry and yelling at me for being sad. He started criticizingme and calling me pathetic and kept breakingup with me then taking me back and tellingme in not what he wanted, he would call me names and say horrible things to me. And insteadof beinga mess over my lost friends i became a emotional mess i alwayshad anxietybut its never beenthis bad and i doubt myselfso much more... just over two years later he go nuts at me for being upset and its actually making me feel pathetic and insecure... like he looks after me super well and all my pets and i live with him... but every time we dont agree on stuff he says we just shouldn't be together and everything he just resorts straight back to "than leave" he calls me cazy, skitzo, and psycho when i try explain to him something hurts my feelings or i ask him about something i was concerned about him doing, he doesn't cheat or anything like that however i get the feeling he might have feelings for a woman he use to sleep with about 6 years ago who message him for the first time in 6 years a couple months ago... i haven't spoken to him about it because i know he will immediately start yelling... when i ask him aboug these things im never forceful or angry im polite and gentle but he yells and calls me nuts... i think because i was in a bad place when we met he had just had enough of my emotional stuff and stopped caring about it and just got angry making me feel worse and worse over time making me into a permanent mess. How do i change this? Is this abuse? Do i need to just suck it up and take it?
I cant stand myself anymore... and i have less self confidence than ever... i just need some love and understanding and i believe i could build myself bake up maybe...
Please understand this is only my side of the story i am difficultto handle. He is an amazing person and i want to be a strong person that he can respect
I cant stand myself anymore... and i have less self confidence than ever... i just need some love and understanding and i believe i could build myself bake up maybe...
Please understand this is only my side of the story i am difficultto handle. He is an amazing person and i want to be a strong person that he can respect
I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist, because i think it will take work for you to find closure from the past that has contributed to your depression and perhaps your inability to live in the moment. It is very hard for a person who fights for themselves to live in the moment, to watch a loved one fall into depression because of the past. It sounds like this guy needs to live in the moment and not empathize with the past. It sounds like he may be a caretaker, in that he wants to help you move up, but is incapable of helping you move on from the past. I think it's too much of a past, too much pain and out of his pay grade to help you through it. Obviously the relationship has taken an ugly turn, he sounds very frustrated that you cannot just get up, shake it off and live in the moment and perhaps even frustrated with himself that no matter what good he does, or how he loves you, it doesn't seem to be helping and neither of you are getting ahead in this relationship. If he is looking after you financially, but is unable to support you while you get the help you need, it may be that he is frustrated with himself that he could not help you, and he feels like a failure himself. His anger may be directed at you and himself.
You are in fact acting out because of the past , and the frustration that this man feels about a person acting out from the past is not something that he can handle without acting out himself. I'm sure he doesn't feel good about himself treating you this way and it angers him. There's a possibility that when you two got together it was not his wish to fail in the empathy department, I think that he probably wanted to love you and wanted things to work out, but he is adjusting to the reality that he may not be able to handle living in the past with you. I agree that you need to work on yourself with a good therapist, one that you feel you are getting results with - and while you are in your relationship, for however long or short, only live in the present - save your thoughts , compartmentalize your issues to your therapists office, if at all possible. It may not be possible, if you are depressed. You can try, and if you fail, and he tells you to leave, i think you should do whatever it takes to leave and make your life all about you, until such time that you are healthy enough to be with a partner without exacting a price of your partner having to relive the pain of your past. - , such that it does not require your partner to live your worst nightmares of the past in the present. Not an easy order, it'll be hard to move on , it always is. But sometimes, it's what needs to happen for both partners to find their proper balance. It might be that your family of origin was a problem for you, if so , don't go back to that. Move up. Go to a shelter, find the help you need to find your way to an education, a good job, financial independence, empathetic friends that will work to help you live in the moment and consider what is good about each and every day. Exercise is important for your mood. Finding people, walk clubs, bike clubs, etc, find your way to like minded people that are willing to do all the things you're supposed to do to thwart off depression. (not just pills). If your on social assistance often there are gyms that are available to you. It might not appear to be as comfortable to go on social assistance, at first , but there are silver linings, and you might find that with the help to use a gym, a bus pass, help with finding employment, education counsellors, opportunities to help you find employment, do a resume, find a food bank that also will provide you with a free working wardrobe, social assistance may offer you more than this past relationship (if you choose to leave).
On the other hand, this guy may be a total abusive jerk and it wouldn't matter one iota whether you have depression. or not as to how he treats you, or it may be that he's a total jerk that has sought out a partner that is weak in their own issues, so they can be the jerk they already were when you met them. You'd be the better judge of his character, but you need to talk to your therapist to get yourself in the headspace to be able to objectively judge his character, how much of his "abuse" is a primary or secondary condition. (he was a jerk to all women, a misogynist perhaps all his life due to his own upbringing or experiences, or whether he is just unable to handle a partner who has depression who he feels is not fighting hard enough to manage). .
I applaud you for coming here and baring your soul. and i'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced so much chaos and loss, and thats' without knowing anything of your childhood or how your family of origin treated themselves or you. You've taken a big step here, because connection with other people is the most important first step in gaining mental health. I applaud you for giving therapy a good shot. Please know that with connection with other people, doing what your'e doing here and in your therapists office is a huge step forward. Please follow this with moves in the same direction. There are lists of things to do to find your way to personal satisfaction. Yes, working, education, exercise, clubs, connection with others, art therapy, music therapy, spiritual guidance, finding an understanding somehow that the people that you have lost are now living on the other side, they've figured everything out, they're safe and well. Accept this and you'll have a step up on the grieving process. Read about how to help the grieving process. make your body strong, it will help your mind. Journal. etc.
I'm always here to talk to Potatopuff. Please drop me a line, on my profile page if you feel like talking. I'm praying you find direction, and strength to follow a healthy path. Make this relationship secondary to the direction to take to find your own way to peace. If it's not possible, know you need to move on.. Forgive him his inabilities and move on. Someday you will find your way to a solid relationship, but you need to work on you to do it. A guy will never be a pill that will maek everything okay. A partnership is something you do after you find your own peace. May God be with You. Blessings.
You are in fact acting out because of the past , and the frustration that this man feels about a person acting out from the past is not something that he can handle without acting out himself. I'm sure he doesn't feel good about himself treating you this way and it angers him. There's a possibility that when you two got together it was not his wish to fail in the empathy department, I think that he probably wanted to love you and wanted things to work out, but he is adjusting to the reality that he may not be able to handle living in the past with you. I agree that you need to work on yourself with a good therapist, one that you feel you are getting results with - and while you are in your relationship, for however long or short, only live in the present - save your thoughts , compartmentalize your issues to your therapists office, if at all possible. It may not be possible, if you are depressed. You can try, and if you fail, and he tells you to leave, i think you should do whatever it takes to leave and make your life all about you, until such time that you are healthy enough to be with a partner without exacting a price of your partner having to relive the pain of your past. - , such that it does not require your partner to live your worst nightmares of the past in the present. Not an easy order, it'll be hard to move on , it always is. But sometimes, it's what needs to happen for both partners to find their proper balance. It might be that your family of origin was a problem for you, if so , don't go back to that. Move up. Go to a shelter, find the help you need to find your way to an education, a good job, financial independence, empathetic friends that will work to help you live in the moment and consider what is good about each and every day. Exercise is important for your mood. Finding people, walk clubs, bike clubs, etc, find your way to like minded people that are willing to do all the things you're supposed to do to thwart off depression. (not just pills). If your on social assistance often there are gyms that are available to you. It might not appear to be as comfortable to go on social assistance, at first , but there are silver linings, and you might find that with the help to use a gym, a bus pass, help with finding employment, education counsellors, opportunities to help you find employment, do a resume, find a food bank that also will provide you with a free working wardrobe, social assistance may offer you more than this past relationship (if you choose to leave).
On the other hand, this guy may be a total abusive jerk and it wouldn't matter one iota whether you have depression. or not as to how he treats you, or it may be that he's a total jerk that has sought out a partner that is weak in their own issues, so they can be the jerk they already were when you met them. You'd be the better judge of his character, but you need to talk to your therapist to get yourself in the headspace to be able to objectively judge his character, how much of his "abuse" is a primary or secondary condition. (he was a jerk to all women, a misogynist perhaps all his life due to his own upbringing or experiences, or whether he is just unable to handle a partner who has depression who he feels is not fighting hard enough to manage). .
I applaud you for coming here and baring your soul. and i'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced so much chaos and loss, and thats' without knowing anything of your childhood or how your family of origin treated themselves or you. You've taken a big step here, because connection with other people is the most important first step in gaining mental health. I applaud you for giving therapy a good shot. Please know that with connection with other people, doing what your'e doing here and in your therapists office is a huge step forward. Please follow this with moves in the same direction. There are lists of things to do to find your way to personal satisfaction. Yes, working, education, exercise, clubs, connection with others, art therapy, music therapy, spiritual guidance, finding an understanding somehow that the people that you have lost are now living on the other side, they've figured everything out, they're safe and well. Accept this and you'll have a step up on the grieving process. Read about how to help the grieving process. make your body strong, it will help your mind. Journal. etc.
I'm always here to talk to Potatopuff. Please drop me a line, on my profile page if you feel like talking. I'm praying you find direction, and strength to follow a healthy path. Make this relationship secondary to the direction to take to find your own way to peace. If it's not possible, know you need to move on.. Forgive him his inabilities and move on. Someday you will find your way to a solid relationship, but you need to work on you to do it. A guy will never be a pill that will maek everything okay. A partnership is something you do after you find your own peace. May God be with You. Blessings.
It is sad that you found yourself in the position like this, being misunderstood and name called while being at the bottom.
I kinda feel that you were raised by abusive parent(s). The researchers show that a female child who had a parent abusive towards the other will subconsciously find the way to an abusive partner themself. Because if I read this right you have been in an abuse relationship prior to this.
I don't know how long have you been depressed, but you should also figure out that if he was acting like your caretaker this whole time you've been down it can wear out a person. This doesn't justify him being a total jerk, if he saw you being unable to come back from all the stuff that happened to you he could have at least offered to find you a counselor, or therapist. I know it is hard for you to leave him now that your self esteem is so low, and I cannot tell you to grow a backbone and do it as it is not easy at all. You really depend on him, but you have to try being independent step by step. For starters you have to find a therapist you have to let therapist make you feel better and be your shoulder to lean on, and him - not so much. He doesn't seem as too sensitive guy who can simply relate to how you feel, so you can't make him, but the next time he tells you to leave do so, and be strong and resolute about it. You say "he keeps on taking me back" which gives me this feeling you beg him to make things up with you, and he obviously doesn't make you feel happier or better.
I kinda feel that you were raised by abusive parent(s). The researchers show that a female child who had a parent abusive towards the other will subconsciously find the way to an abusive partner themself. Because if I read this right you have been in an abuse relationship prior to this.
I don't know how long have you been depressed, but you should also figure out that if he was acting like your caretaker this whole time you've been down it can wear out a person. This doesn't justify him being a total jerk, if he saw you being unable to come back from all the stuff that happened to you he could have at least offered to find you a counselor, or therapist. I know it is hard for you to leave him now that your self esteem is so low, and I cannot tell you to grow a backbone and do it as it is not easy at all. You really depend on him, but you have to try being independent step by step. For starters you have to find a therapist you have to let therapist make you feel better and be your shoulder to lean on, and him - not so much. He doesn't seem as too sensitive guy who can simply relate to how you feel, so you can't make him, but the next time he tells you to leave do so, and be strong and resolute about it. You say "he keeps on taking me back" which gives me this feeling you beg him to make things up with you, and he obviously doesn't make you feel happier or better.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ah, honey. Ya, this is not good. I'm glad he doesn't do "WORSE" things to you like actually hit you or cheat . . . but his verbal insults and insensitivity toward you is not a good situation. And it sounds like you have had a long time in your life of less than ideal relationships. Did your parents fight a lot? I worry too that the abusive ex had to leave YOU rather than the other away around. When we don't want to leave an abusive ex and the only way it ends is when THEY end it, it says a good deal about how we function. Or to be more on point, that we have dysfunctional thinking. Worry that this is spilling over to this new guy too.
If this is not the case, that he really IS an amazing person . . . then is the problem that you are not working on your issues? I do know you've started seeing a therapist from your other post which is great. That is proactively working on yourself. Keep that up. But it's hard for me to think he is amazing if he mistreats you are is not sensitive to your trying to get better emotionally.
One thing that is important in life is to know we COULD make it alone. By that I mean, no other person is necessary for us to be okay. being too dependent on someone for emotional stability or anything else puts too much in the hands of someone else and MAKES us insecure. Do you have a job, for example? That might help you build confidence if you don't. Do you have some friends that are emotionally healthy that you get together with? That you have other outlets than just him for support would be great.
But if you have to walk on egg shells, be careful of what you say and do for fear he'll yell? No. No way to live.
Let us know more and we'll see if we can help. I know this is hard and I'm so sorry about that sweetie. hugs
If this is not the case, that he really IS an amazing person . . . then is the problem that you are not working on your issues? I do know you've started seeing a therapist from your other post which is great. That is proactively working on yourself. Keep that up. But it's hard for me to think he is amazing if he mistreats you are is not sensitive to your trying to get better emotionally.
One thing that is important in life is to know we COULD make it alone. By that I mean, no other person is necessary for us to be okay. being too dependent on someone for emotional stability or anything else puts too much in the hands of someone else and MAKES us insecure. Do you have a job, for example? That might help you build confidence if you don't. Do you have some friends that are emotionally healthy that you get together with? That you have other outlets than just him for support would be great.
But if you have to walk on egg shells, be careful of what you say and do for fear he'll yell? No. No way to live.
Let us know more and we'll see if we can help. I know this is hard and I'm so sorry about that sweetie. hugs
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