What do i do about about my husband?

[Cheche_Chinchilla]

I am 24 years old and married whats going to be a year next month. My husband constantly makes me feel like everything i say or do is just annoying. there are good times but when i say something he doesnt like he goes off the deep end. Im not sure what to do. Im tired of appologizing when things arent my fault im tired of him getting mad at me when i start to cry and im tired of him shutting down when i try to talk to him. I admit i sometimes get annoying but i dont want to feel like im just an annoying piece of trash that cant speak or i will get yelled at or he will freak out with a rage. I get scared when he gets angry because of the way he acts. i cant talk with him because he will always ignore me and agree and appologize but do it again. i litterily have to appologize sometimes for trying to talk with him. i just need help please, someone..

[TruthLady]

Hey. I'm so sorry you're in this situation because it might seem like you're in the blind street with no possible exits, but know that there's always a way out. Please note that it is hard to assess the situation without hearing from both sides (and this is in no way blaming you), and if you would want to leave him I would recommend it to you immediately as you are very young and it would be easy for you to bounce back, but since it's not an option - here's my take on it:
- Men (in general) talk less then women, therefore they get annoyed if someone is talking alot and about the subjects that don't concern them. Is he annoyed by literally everything you say, or just certain topics? If you know that there are topics he doesn't like and doesn't want to hear about, don't bring them up. I know that I hate when (for example) my friend is talking about another person all the time and I hate hearing it and it annoys me that I have to constantly tell her to stop bringing it up, so I lash out. I'm not saying you do the same thing, I'm just giving you a perspective. Try finding subjects you are both interested in and talk about those. Let him trigger the conversation first.
- The fact that you are always around each other can lead to over saturation.  I know how it is to move far away. I had to change countries, new people, new language, new mentality. And my husband was everything in my life: My only friend, my lover y family. That can be a burden on him and you both. It is bad feeling knowing you have only 1 person and that you depend on them so much. At least there is no language barrier in your case. Find a job, find an activity you like (whether it's swimming, archery, dancing, a craft), you will meet bunch of people there with whom you will have at least one thing in common you know for sure: the activity you both partake in.  Make them your friend, and your confidant. Go out with them. Make your husband miss you, and miss the little annoyances he had when you wanted to talk to him. Don't be scared to try new things and meet new people.
- Enjoy the silence together. Open the bottle of wine, enjoy a film together (refrain from commenting on it, or explaining the plot. Men hate that. Actually, everyone hates that) and enjoy being around each other. Feel each other and enjoy the silence.
- He seems to be tense and maybe stressed and frustrated about something. Ask him about his job. Let him open up about his problems. Usually people who hold alot inside can get frustrated and annoyed when hearing about other things they find menial, while they have alot to deal with and alot to tell but don't have who to do it with. So let him talk and offer consolation words. If he talks about his issues avoid sentences that start with "I want..." "Me" "What about myself, I did this...". Let this be about him.
- Stop apologizing. It is not your bad or your fault for wanting to communicate with your husband. Make him know this, and let him feel guilty for being an *** instead. Stand your ground.
You say he doesn't want to go to therapy, what about couples counseling? Tell him your marriage is still at its infancy and it is important to know how to communicate in these early stages. Counselor might help you great deal with this. Also let him know you don't want him acting like that when baby comes cause you don't want your baby to hear him talking this way to you and lashing out at you in front of it, cause children pick on their parents' behaviours rather fast.

[Nighthawk61]

Honestly, it sounds like your being  groomed. In other words, he's getting violently angry with you to scare you into submission, and that does not a marriage make. Often, men like that will end up hitting their women, because a) they never truly respected their women in the first place and it showed by their complete lack of patience, and b) they end up hitting their wives, because their misogynists. I did this with my first. I was only in it in the first place (before he hit me and  only showed anger) because i came from an abusive home. Had i not, I never would have been with him. I think you need to look at why this is happening as there is a root cause and it may have zero to have to do with you. After he destroyed me, he was happy to let me go and try again with the next. There's a pattern with abusive impatient men. Make sure you know who it is you're really married to. Does he like the real you? Does he have room in his life for the real you? Or is he looking for a type of women that will do as he wishes ?  I'm so glad i found my way to freedom.  NOBODY SHOULD EVER HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS WITH THEIR PARTNER OR IN THEIR FAMILY. LIFE IS TOO SHORT .

[Nighthawk61]

I also think that you should approach a personal therapist with objectivity, and plan to acquire the tools to change what's happening in your relationship keeping in mind that if your husband is not interested in therapy to save the marriage after you've put in time to affect change, that in itself shows his lack of commitment to the marriage.  Please keep your post alive by letting us know how you're doing. It sometimes helps to use the journal page on your profile , public or private : to help you gain perspective and help you to move forward for a more peaceful life - the name of the game.

[Cheche_Chinchilla]

Thank you, i actually have a journal i write in. it sometimes helps but not really. I would like him to change but honestly if i can change completely so he doesnt have to im willing to . i just want to be able to talk with him about somethings without him getting mad, when there is nothing to discuss we get along so amazingly and i love it but as soon as i say one little thing he doesnt like it just ruins the whole day :(

[AnnieBrooke]

Pregnancy changes the situation in several ways: it makes you not (as easily) able to leave in the event that your husband escalates the anger at you over time, it makes you more emotional, and it can make a husband upset. Especially if a guy is young, it can shock him to learn his wife is pregnant, whether or not he seemed OK with the idea when trying. Guys who suddenly realize they are about to be a father worry about being a good provider, dislike the definite realization that their carefree young bachelor days are over, hate the responsibility, sometimes feel trapped. If he is feeling these things and especially if he is worried about money, probably anything you say about the baby will cause an explosion or at least a less-than-positive reaction. As one writer puts it, he has had his subscription to Gentleman's Quarterly taken away and has been given instead a lifetime sentence to the Guilt, Responsibility, and Worry Club. Especially if a guy is young and wasn't totally on board with the baby plan in his heart, he might act resentful and angry about this.

This is not to say he can walk away from the responsibility to behave properly towards you. You deserve for him to behave like an adult, even if he is in the GRW Club now. And you have to stop claiming it's all your fault that he is yelling and angry all the time. Unless you were the most obnoxious person in the world and always in his face, he doesn't have the right to be constantly ready to explode at you. It's easy for a woman worried about her survival to pretend to herself that her husband who is emotionally abusive is really just normal and it's all her fault, but seriously, from the sound of things, it's not all your fault.

So, do go see your counselor. You have to understand (and fix it) if you are really being that annoying (which it doesn't sound like you are), and you have to be able to see when he is being unreasonable and out-of-control by anyone's measurement of reasonable adult behavior. You also have to stop kidding yourself. If things are this bad after only one year of marriage, do you really want to put up with it for twenty more years? You can't live life walking on eggshells and should not have to, and if you do nothing, that is the best you will get if it doesn't get lots worse over time. It could escalate because you just lie down and take it. If you don't stand up for yourself or simply cave in and cry, he will not stop. And the worst thing is, you will pass this inability to require respectful behavior on to the baby by role-modeling self-blame and acquiescence to someone's bad behavior who should be a protector and supporter of the family. The child will copy that and will have no model for a mutually respectful relationship, and as a result will not expect, or get, anything better in his or her future relationships. If you won't try to fix this pattern for your own sake, maybe you can find the protective instinct to fix it for your child's sake. Time to see the counselor.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm wondering how this man was raised? It sounds like he wants a "Stepford Wife" mentality in the home, and yes, this would be projected onto any children. They would see "Mom" reflecting only what the male wanted to see rather than projecting her own personality. It's a worrisome scenario and it's not easy to always be reading a man's mood as to whether you can talk or not. (thus walking on eggshells). My mother did that trip, and it was such a drag to see my mother acting like a scared child instead of a confident women. The "marriage" ruined her life and her children's childhoods and spilled over into her children acting out in their own adult lives. I suggested that you  be objective by being honest, but mostly, be prepared to hear a hard truth. If this man doesn't like your real personality, it might be that he's a misogynist that doesn't believe that a women should take up her own space and have a personality of their own thus quashing the development of a women's life and spirit.  If this is the case, there are more fish in the sea. Life is hard and sometimes you have to walk away in order to gain what you really want and deserve in a relationship. You need to describe the things that you say that he finds are repulsive and decide if his opinion of you is based on harsh criticism. If it is harsh criticism and you accept it, you are enabling him to be abusive to you and your children by extension.

[AnnieBrooke]

When someone is out of control with anger and uses it to keep their partner off balance, and/or blames their partner for things that shouldn't be the partner's fault, that is a bad sign. I think this will get worse and not better. i suggest you go see a counselor (your husband doesn't have to go, and in fact if he wants to know why you are going, say you're trying to work out better communication patterns so you won't make him mad all the time, he'll probably go for that). Explain to the counselor what is going on as exactly as you can, without any sweeping generalizations or in any way trying to make yourself look in the right and him in the wrong, just as truthful a recounting of specific incidents as you can do. Then see what the counselor says. It should give you some idea of whether you are at fault in some way because of the way you talk to your husband or if he is just an out=of-control guy with no anger-management skills.

[AnnieBrooke]

Do you have kids? If not, please do something active like birth control to try not to get pregnant until this is resolved.

[AnnieBrooke]

Also, Cheche, are you willing to leave if this escalates beyond yelling? I don't have a good feeling that it is going to get better, and it seems like you have to decide if you are satisfied with the status quo for the rest of your life. But what if it gets worse? Are you ready to go? And are you able to go?

[Cheche_Chinchilla]

Thank you for the suggestions, i think i will go see a counseller just for myself and hopefully he decides to tag along. He is also young too so im not sure if he would actually come with me. he is 23.   I also dont plan on leaving him , i do love him amd i want to do everything to make it work but it just sucks how things are turning up. im actually pregnant right now 4 months.

[Suite789]

I think maybe you can try to do things with your friends instead with your husband. also try talk to your other friends about your things instead talk to your husband. Leave your husband alone for a while and see how the things going. Hope that advise can help you. Hugs.

[Cheche_Chinchilla]

I dont have any friends anymore. I moved to a different province so my husband could be close to his family, so i dont even have family i can see. But that wouldve been a good idea, thank you

[specialmom]

Sorry to hear you are having this difficulty.  Marriage can be hard and particularly so when communication is not good.  I'm guessing that seeing a counselor is something your husband won't do with you?  It could really be helpful to get help from an experienced psychologist who can help improve communication between you two  

Walking on egg shells is difficult. This sounds like the position you are in. He probably has his own story to tell from his side.  What is a the root of your issues?  I get that you can't talk but is there something you have differences of opinion on that keeps coming up?  What is the basis of 'needing' to talk?  Is it just every day chatter that he isn't interested in or is it problems you are trying to discuss?

[Cheche_Chinchilla]

No my husband wouldnt see a psychologist with me. Thats out of the question. We dont really have a root to our problems, itll be like a slight disagreement becomes a big problem and then he blows up on me. i always knew he had anger issues but now it seems worse and now i just try to appologize for things because otherwise it becomes a huge fight and i end up appologizing later on. I just wish i could find a proper way to communicate with him, without making him angry.