Aa
Advice for bf who binge drinks like a teen?
Hi
Never posted in anything like this before but here we go.
My bf and I have been together 4 years, we still don’t live with eachother yet but spend time together where we can with work permitting. I have a daughter from previous relationship in her early teen years and her and I have a very close bond.
Bf is 43 and I am 31, he lives with his best friend and they both work offshore majority of the time.
When him and I aren’t together, him and his best pal go out drinking ALL the time. He stays up drinking til 1-2am, even later sometimes, then comes and sees me next day, tired unshaven and croaky, sometimes still faintly smelling of booze - lucky girl. It’s becoming silly now, as it is always the night before we see eachother that he does it or he will cancel plans we have to go out with his best pal and drink the night away. I’ve always said that he needs downtime as we all do sometimes as we work hard but this is getting ridiculous!! He’s acting like a teen! He text the other night at 2am saying he was cooking food, he was drunk out of his head even though he claimed he wasn’t and thought it was funny. I don’t find that funny.
We have previously talked about living together and he wants to save up as much as possible first, fine, that’s sensible, but all this behaviour is why It’s not something I’m rushing into because it would be like living with another child! I don’t want my daughter living with some immature twit trying to relive his more youthful years.
Why should I constantly be under the pressure to look my best, make the reservations constantly, book the holidays, plan the day for our time together when he can’t even be bothered to try and go to bed at a decent hour or get a grip that he isn’t a teen anymore?! His behaviour annoys me immensely and it’s embarrassing....so I end up staying awake myself unable to sleep out of sheer frustration. I am dating an older man for a reason, for the maturity and the life experience meaning I can hold a conversation with them etc, this is not that!
Advice please!! I’m worried about his liver/general health if this carries on, worried about his mental state and him in general as I don’t want this to break us apart but it will in the end.
Background info: he lost his mum about 10 years ago, is an only child and has had many a failed relationship prior to me.
Never posted in anything like this before but here we go.
My bf and I have been together 4 years, we still don’t live with eachother yet but spend time together where we can with work permitting. I have a daughter from previous relationship in her early teen years and her and I have a very close bond.
Bf is 43 and I am 31, he lives with his best friend and they both work offshore majority of the time.
When him and I aren’t together, him and his best pal go out drinking ALL the time. He stays up drinking til 1-2am, even later sometimes, then comes and sees me next day, tired unshaven and croaky, sometimes still faintly smelling of booze - lucky girl. It’s becoming silly now, as it is always the night before we see eachother that he does it or he will cancel plans we have to go out with his best pal and drink the night away. I’ve always said that he needs downtime as we all do sometimes as we work hard but this is getting ridiculous!! He’s acting like a teen! He text the other night at 2am saying he was cooking food, he was drunk out of his head even though he claimed he wasn’t and thought it was funny. I don’t find that funny.
We have previously talked about living together and he wants to save up as much as possible first, fine, that’s sensible, but all this behaviour is why It’s not something I’m rushing into because it would be like living with another child! I don’t want my daughter living with some immature twit trying to relive his more youthful years.
Why should I constantly be under the pressure to look my best, make the reservations constantly, book the holidays, plan the day for our time together when he can’t even be bothered to try and go to bed at a decent hour or get a grip that he isn’t a teen anymore?! His behaviour annoys me immensely and it’s embarrassing....so I end up staying awake myself unable to sleep out of sheer frustration. I am dating an older man for a reason, for the maturity and the life experience meaning I can hold a conversation with them etc, this is not that!
Advice please!! I’m worried about his liver/general health if this carries on, worried about his mental state and him in general as I don’t want this to break us apart but it will in the end.
Background info: he lost his mum about 10 years ago, is an only child and has had many a failed relationship prior to me.
I would say, it is time to leave. You might have chosen an older person than yourself on the theory he would be mature, but this guy is not mature. He is actively resisting the awareness that he is an adult, and behaving as though he is about 17. Putting up with this is a HORRIBLE model to demonstrate to your daughter. You are making yourself a victim in the name of having a man, do you really think she can't see that? Time to pull up your pants and leave.
1 Comments
ps - He is not acting like a teen. He is acting like an alcoholic. Because an alcoholic is what he is. Sarah mentioned Alanon above, please consider it or at least going online and reading descriptions of alcoholism, so you know that what you are seeing is what it is. This is not just a charming guy with a little weekend quirk.
Until he is ready to stop this behavior there is nothing you can say or do to change his mind. What you can do is take care of yourself and find ways to not enable him. Alanon would be good for you as you would meet people who have and are going thru the same thing you are. Please dont move in with him now. If you do your life will spiral downwards. This isnt a lost cause by any means but he has to make the decision to stop the insanity. His drinking has been going on for quite some time i bet with you saying he has many failed relationships. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict so i see all the red flags in this relationship. There is no life for the loved ones of addicts~
COMMUNITY LEADER
Welcome and let me say I'm thrilled you found us!!!
I want to comment first that reading your story in the way you write it, I can tell you are a very smart, articulate woman. You clearly are a straight shooter and may find yourself wondering how you ended up here, I'd guess.
When we are dating, at first things can be fantastic. And sometimes we are subconsciously drawn to troubled men (Or partners). You certainly wouldn't be the first one. But what we have to do is really take a hard and critical look at someone to see if it is what you want for the long haul. Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with this situation going on? Or would you want better for her? My guess you'd like better for her . . . so, you need to also want that for yourself. You deserve it!
This is not to say he is all bad. You clearly have an attachment to him but there are red flags here. They are REALLY red so I would not ignore them. His drinking is a bit immature. You're equating it to that of the antics of a teen without impulse control so you agree with me. And remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets WORSE as time goes on. That he'd rather do the party thing than be with you . . . how will that be different if you lived together? Probably wouldn't. And you'd be modeling a dysfunctional situation in front of your daughter. Which gets an ugh from me as a mom.
I hear you that you aren't wanting to immediately break up with him. That can be hard to do sometimes. So, take a leap forward by airing your feelings. Tell him you are not down for all this drinking and he needs to shift his priorities in a visible way in order for you to feel confident about the future. Until he does, do NOT move in with him.
By the way, is he depressed? Low to medium depression is something that happens and grief from the loss of his mother and the failed relationship may be triggers for him and he then masks the depression or self medicates with alcohol. Often, people will drink to avoid feeling anything. Or responsibility. I think you are within you rights since you are contemplating a future with him to question this.
How do you think he'll handle a discussion like this?
I want to comment first that reading your story in the way you write it, I can tell you are a very smart, articulate woman. You clearly are a straight shooter and may find yourself wondering how you ended up here, I'd guess.
When we are dating, at first things can be fantastic. And sometimes we are subconsciously drawn to troubled men (Or partners). You certainly wouldn't be the first one. But what we have to do is really take a hard and critical look at someone to see if it is what you want for the long haul. Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with this situation going on? Or would you want better for her? My guess you'd like better for her . . . so, you need to also want that for yourself. You deserve it!
This is not to say he is all bad. You clearly have an attachment to him but there are red flags here. They are REALLY red so I would not ignore them. His drinking is a bit immature. You're equating it to that of the antics of a teen without impulse control so you agree with me. And remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets WORSE as time goes on. That he'd rather do the party thing than be with you . . . how will that be different if you lived together? Probably wouldn't. And you'd be modeling a dysfunctional situation in front of your daughter. Which gets an ugh from me as a mom.
I hear you that you aren't wanting to immediately break up with him. That can be hard to do sometimes. So, take a leap forward by airing your feelings. Tell him you are not down for all this drinking and he needs to shift his priorities in a visible way in order for you to feel confident about the future. Until he does, do NOT move in with him.
By the way, is he depressed? Low to medium depression is something that happens and grief from the loss of his mother and the failed relationship may be triggers for him and he then masks the depression or self medicates with alcohol. Often, people will drink to avoid feeling anything. Or responsibility. I think you are within you rights since you are contemplating a future with him to question this.
How do you think he'll handle a discussion like this?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
