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relationship advice multiple breakups
Hello I want to start off by saying that I been on a “on and off” relationship with a man who is 30, I am also 30. We have had multiple break ups, we have broken up about 7 times already within these past 3 to 4 years (maybe even more break ups). Some of the breakups consisted of him ditching me last minute, or making plans and then canceling last minute for non emergency reasons. Or me finding out he would rather be out with his cousins drinking. Some of the other break ups consisted of me and my anger towards him, I was reacting towards some things he would do that I did not like him doing (not girls or cheating) but an ex is me not seeing him as often or me wanting him to save up more money. I would get very angry And he would tell me, that was an issue with me, that I was very negative and anxious and I know it’s true at times and I overreact. Well yesterday I think it went very wrong, we were both having a good time at a family party of his, and we both got drunk, we got into an argument over drugs and other things I began to tell him that his life was so good compared to mine but yet he still involves himself in things that are worthless like drugs (he knows I don’t want him involved with that and we have had a talk about it but he still continues to be involved with it and the lifestyle) and when we were in his car arguing I punched him in the chest (not hard though but I know I’m wrong for getting physical) I got very angry with his responses and him not considering what we had agreed on, and I was so mad I started cussing at him and flipping him off.I told him let’s go home because I felt like we were both very angry. He got so mad at me and he left me in the car drunk and told me to find my way home. I called my Friend and she picked me up, my question is, I know my reaction and anger got him very upset, but do you think I’m really toxic? Should I seek mental health, I never react like this with no one only with him maybe because I love him and I want him to improve, and be better. He has never cheated on me (not that I know of) he was always respectful, and he had tried to stay away from that lifestyle, and tried to keep his word when he would tell me he was taking me out or visiting,but he would do coke, and he couldn’t keep a stable job, wouldn’t save money. Preferred to spend money on live music, and would get bothered if I asked him to spoil me and buy me a dress (I never really asked him for anything though) He did show me he loved me various times, and he had made lots of improvements, but somehow that drug lifestyle always pulls him in, and he knows I want him to be in the right path. It would anger me, what do you think ? Am I really a toxic person ? What should I do ?
You're in a battle with him because you want him to change. But, nobody can force another person to change. No amount of fighting or criticism is going to do it, and probably no amount of love and support will do it either. We are who we are, and we change for our own reasons, not because someone else is telling us to. He will continue to be the way he is no matter how much you shriek at him and flip him off in your desire to force him to be better. So, assuming you don't want to be with him the way he is and understanding he isn't going to change, it's pretty easy to see that you need to stop seeing him as your boyfriend, and to walk away from your tendency to think fighting with someone will change him.
Once you're out of the relationship and done, do get some counseling for yourself. Not about "toxicity" but about being enabling. You need to figure out what it is about yourself, that you put up with a drug-using boyfriend for so long. Learning he has substance-abuse problems should have been the end of it. Find out with your counselor why you put yourself in the way of misery by staying this guy's girlfriend. You can do better for yourself.
Once you're out of the relationship and done, do get some counseling for yourself. Not about "toxicity" but about being enabling. You need to figure out what it is about yourself, that you put up with a drug-using boyfriend for so long. Learning he has substance-abuse problems should have been the end of it. Find out with your counselor why you put yourself in the way of misery by staying this guy's girlfriend. You can do better for yourself.
Oh wow. Well you two are simply not compatible. Now I will go point by point.
- Hitting him in the car while he's driving, even though it wasn't hard you're putting both of your lives in danger. And imagine if the roles were reversed. He'd have much worse time of as a "woman beater" believe me.. leaving you in the car to stew after what you've done is a bare minimum
- Controlling his spending. Control over someone's finaces is actually considered a part of psychological abuse. Again imagine if the roles were reversed. You're not married, you don't have joint account and if you live together and he pays his half of the bills - that's it. What he spends the rest of his money on is his thing. It's not like he's letting your children go hungry. Also it seems that it bothers you because he spends his money on things he likes (live music) and not the things you like (a new dress). Gifts are voluntary, that's why they're gifts. And it's unfair to want him to do with his money what you approve.
- Now drugs. If this is what he does and it bothers you, and he doesn't seem like he wants tl quit that's a fairly good reason to break up. But not as some kind of threat. Break up and mean it. You didn't stand your ground when you broke up with him because of drugs before, you took him back. So he knows he can just do it and there will be no repercussions.
Also cocaine is expensive, and if his job isn't paid well you shouldn't be the one financing the rest of your common expenses.
It just seems that you want to change him, he doesn't want to change and instead of going your separate ways you two are just torturing each other and act like teenagers instead of calling it quits. It's not healthy, there's very bleak future from what I can see. And moreover you're just waisting each other's time.
- Hitting him in the car while he's driving, even though it wasn't hard you're putting both of your lives in danger. And imagine if the roles were reversed. He'd have much worse time of as a "woman beater" believe me.. leaving you in the car to stew after what you've done is a bare minimum
- Controlling his spending. Control over someone's finaces is actually considered a part of psychological abuse. Again imagine if the roles were reversed. You're not married, you don't have joint account and if you live together and he pays his half of the bills - that's it. What he spends the rest of his money on is his thing. It's not like he's letting your children go hungry. Also it seems that it bothers you because he spends his money on things he likes (live music) and not the things you like (a new dress). Gifts are voluntary, that's why they're gifts. And it's unfair to want him to do with his money what you approve.
- Now drugs. If this is what he does and it bothers you, and he doesn't seem like he wants tl quit that's a fairly good reason to break up. But not as some kind of threat. Break up and mean it. You didn't stand your ground when you broke up with him because of drugs before, you took him back. So he knows he can just do it and there will be no repercussions.
Also cocaine is expensive, and if his job isn't paid well you shouldn't be the one financing the rest of your common expenses.
It just seems that you want to change him, he doesn't want to change and instead of going your separate ways you two are just torturing each other and act like teenagers instead of calling it quits. It's not healthy, there's very bleak future from what I can see. And moreover you're just waisting each other's time.
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I don't think she said he paid half of the bills. She did say he can't keep a stable job. Despite her mentioning that she'd hinted she'd like a new dress, I thought she was more saying in general that if he were to grow up about money, he might be able to save some, and/or buy fun things that she would like too. It sounds like she's just super frustrated he is so irresponsible (about everything -- money, drugs, breaking promises at the last minute to spend time together, going clubbing, etc.). That he keeps going back to using drugs would be the deal breaker in my book.
Thank you truth lady for your input on this, you are correct I made the mistake of taking him back, regardless of not seeing any change from his side. So he doesn’t respect what I want n never will, since he thinks I’m always going to be there. And yes anniebrooke is correct he doesn’t pay any bills we do not live together. He can’t keep a stable job, he jumps from job to job. I’m surprised he lasted in his last job for about 1 year, because he never lasts. And in regards to buying me a dress, I only mentioned it to him once in our 4 years together, and I didn’t mention to buy me the dress, I asked if he can help with 30 dollars or so, I didn’t really need the money, I had the total with me. The only reason I asked him,was to see his response and he of course he was bothered, he didn’t want to give me $30 because according to him he was money tight but he ended up zelling them to many, not really wanting to do so though. What bothers me is that when he is with his friends he’ll tip the DJ 20 bux he’ll tip the bartenders 20 bux, he’ll tip the random stranger coming to leave him a drink, he won’t mind paying to have music at his house $700 or so.I know it’s his money, what bothers me is that, he minds to spend on me. The girl who met him with no car no job and stood by his side (I know what an idiot) but I always had the hope that he would turn his life around( regardless he has a good heart). I grew up with a loving mom and father, I grew up seeing my dad surprise my mom with a little fluffy teddy bear from rite aid, I grew up seeing my dad, secretly buy my mom but the dress that she really wanted from the swap meet. It wasn’t about money, those things were never expensive. It was about the thought, how much he cared for her. Mind you I had done that to my ex, I had surprised him in the past with little things, not because I wanted something in return but because it came from me. Did he ever do the same ? Never
Yeah, seems like he still believes he's in his twenties and not a 30 year old grown man. He needs a dose of reality check and he'll see that literally no woman will stick by him if he still thinks he can act like a kid and do whatever he wants.
My boyfriend is 8 years younger than me and I've influenced him to change a lot, he has a stable job for over two years now, he quit weed, he quit smoking but he didn't do it because I pressured him or yelled at him, he just knew himself that he's not a teenager anymore and that it's time for him to grow up. And he's very proud of himself and I'm proud of him. But if a man doesn't want to change.... it's a lost cause. So yeah, leaving him was the right thing to do and now I'd advise not to dwell on it, be single for a bit and allow yourself to heal and stabilize and then you can try finding a proper relationship.
My boyfriend is 8 years younger than me and I've influenced him to change a lot, he has a stable job for over two years now, he quit weed, he quit smoking but he didn't do it because I pressured him or yelled at him, he just knew himself that he's not a teenager anymore and that it's time for him to grow up. And he's very proud of himself and I'm proud of him. But if a man doesn't want to change.... it's a lost cause. So yeah, leaving him was the right thing to do and now I'd advise not to dwell on it, be single for a bit and allow yourself to heal and stabilize and then you can try finding a proper relationship.
Also, sadgirl, some guys NEVER grow up. My 50-year-old neighbor is out of shape and balding but wears a ponytail and trucker hats and sits around smoking weed with a roommate that he rents a house with. Picture of success? No. Any women around? No. When you con yourself into thinking your ex will change if you have good intentions for him, just remember, this might be him in 20 years, and you still thinking he could change. Talk to him when he really *has* changed (if ever), like, years later not just because he says he will try. And in the meantime, get your own mental set more together so you don't settle for nothing.
"just remember, this might be him in 20 years"
It's been 20 years, almost, since my ex and I broke up. We still talk about once a year or so because I helped raise his kids. I have a relationship with his son; he has an on and off one.
He still can't hold a job, he still drinks, he still can't maintain a relationship, he has 2 more kids he takes vague responsibility for, etc., etc.
He's over 60 now. Some men just never grow up. Don't sit and wait for what may never happen.
It's been 20 years, almost, since my ex and I broke up. We still talk about once a year or so because I helped raise his kids. I have a relationship with his son; he has an on and off one.
He still can't hold a job, he still drinks, he still can't maintain a relationship, he has 2 more kids he takes vague responsibility for, etc., etc.
He's over 60 now. Some men just never grow up. Don't sit and wait for what may never happen.
Thank you auntijesse and anniebrook for your advice, I really needed to get someone else’s view, that weren’t my friends or family. I wanted a fresh mind to look at my situation from your point of view, I finally decided to cut all ties with this guy. I held on for so long because I seen the good in him , but at the end of the day his drinking problem and his cocaine use and drug dealing involvement, is something I don’t want to be dealing with now or the future. I held on to him because I knew he did really love me and wouldn’t cheat on , and in this generation that’s extremely hard to find. BUT I will rather be alone in peace instead of waiting for him to change and I don’t have the time to be a acting like a “mom” all the time, expecting him to do things right when he doesn’t want to change. I appreciate you both for hearing me out and giving me your advice.
I agree 100% with Annie.
This relationship is toxic. At this point, it doesn't matter if you're toxic, he's toxic, or you're just toxic together.
He's not bringing out the best in you, for sure, and you probably aren't bringing out the best in him. You're not good to or for each other.
I've been in a toxic relationship. It just sucks the life right out of you. I don't know why you're staying. It's not love. Maybe you're afraid to be alone, maybe you think if he changes for you it proves you're worthy or have value, maybe you don't think you can do better. Maybe it's something else. Only you know, but whatever that little voice is telling you, it's wrong.
This is not what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. There aren't breakups and punches, and fights over drugs and drinking and spoiling to prove whatever.
Just not cheating on you is a really low bar for a relationship. You can aim higher than that. There are men out there who will meet the standards you set - no drugs, no cheating, no screaming fights at parties, stable living, stable employment, etc.
So yes, I agree with getting therapy to find out why you think this is okay for you, to find out why your bar is so low. Work on your self-esteem. Don't do it so you can find a better man. Do it so you know you are the best, healthiest, happiest, strongest version of you. You'll never settle again if you are those things.
This relationship is toxic. At this point, it doesn't matter if you're toxic, he's toxic, or you're just toxic together.
He's not bringing out the best in you, for sure, and you probably aren't bringing out the best in him. You're not good to or for each other.
I've been in a toxic relationship. It just sucks the life right out of you. I don't know why you're staying. It's not love. Maybe you're afraid to be alone, maybe you think if he changes for you it proves you're worthy or have value, maybe you don't think you can do better. Maybe it's something else. Only you know, but whatever that little voice is telling you, it's wrong.
This is not what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. There aren't breakups and punches, and fights over drugs and drinking and spoiling to prove whatever.
Just not cheating on you is a really low bar for a relationship. You can aim higher than that. There are men out there who will meet the standards you set - no drugs, no cheating, no screaming fights at parties, stable living, stable employment, etc.
So yes, I agree with getting therapy to find out why you think this is okay for you, to find out why your bar is so low. Work on your self-esteem. Don't do it so you can find a better man. Do it so you know you are the best, healthiest, happiest, strongest version of you. You'll never settle again if you are those things.
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