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Avatar universal

Can someone tell me if this is abuse?

My husband has always spouted off at the mouth and said horrible things.  Here is the new situation.  He took a job in Sept. in another state,  and I still live in TX.  I am supposed to meet him in Illinois after the new year due to a lease we still have.  He has also moved us from MI, to OK, to TX, and now IL in less than 2 years!  I thought it best to stay at our apt. in TX in case the job in IL didn't work out he would have a place where there are more job opportunities.  He has hated us being apart, but treats me horrible!  He has gotten mad every weekend since he left and this is what he does.  First he will get mad about something little while talking to me on the phone.  Then he will hang up on me and unplug the phone for the whole weekend and I can't get ahold of him.  Then he will type me many nasty e-mails and bring up all kinds of things in our past and stuff he knows about me that happened even before we met.  He threatens to leave me, drop my insurance, leave me on the street, etc.  He got mad last night cause we were talking about Christmas.  I told him that I hoped that we didn't do what we did last year and go overboard on spending.  We spent over 3000.00 on the credit cards for gifts, mainly to his daughters.  He got so mad about that he started pushing the buttons on the phone over and over so I couldn't talk.  Then he said it was His money and I don't help out at all and he could do what he wanted with His money!  He said he had to go and didn't want to talk about it.  He unplugged his phone and still hasn't plugged it back in this morning.  I'm sure he won't either.  I'm sure he would write me some awful e-mail that I would be afraid to open, except that he destroyed his laptop computer last week when I was in IL visiting.  He got mad at me cause I wasn't excited enought about his plan to buy a new 24" screen for it.  He told me that he hated being with me and that I suck the life out of him.  He threw his laptop down and stomped on it.  Now he doesn't even have a computer.  But he gets mad at me for spending any money and he destroys things right and left.  I am so confused about it all.  I keep thinking that if I just knew when to shutup, but when we are talking and things are going good, as they were last night, I let my guard down and feel like I can  speak freely.  Then BAM, he does it again!  I am a mess, a wreck.  I am 50 years old and don't have any real skills to get a great paying job like he does.  He could go on without me and do fine, but I could only make 8.00 an hour or so.  I just don't know what to do, but I'm dying here!  He calls me Eeyour ( the disney donkey) cause he says I am blah.  Well, I am blah now due to so much verbal ****.  I am scared and reduced to a nothing of a person.  Is it me or is he really abusive.  Usually after the weekend, I will call him at work and he will act like nothing ever happened.  Is this normal!  Help!
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13167 tn?1327194124
It doesn't really matter how anyone else defines abuse,  nanny,  is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

This is your choice,  and your life,  and reading your profile it doesn't sound like you have any dependents relying on you right now,  so you are free to decide what's best for you.

Single people without dependents CAN make it on a salary you are capable of making,  it's up to you to decide whether it's worth it to you to leave.

I sense you do know this is abusive, and not "normal" as you ask,  but are afraid to answer that because then you'd have to move forward and do something about your life.

This is your choice,  and your life.  Best wishes.  This must be very hard.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Hello Nanny,

I believe your husband has bipolar disorder and is definitely abusing you. I don't want to put ideas in your head but some men will try to make their wife feel bad like he does to you because he is cheating, he finds a reason to get so angry that he turns his phone off and oy are sitting there wondering what you did wrong when in fact it was fake just to throw you off what is really going on. I might be wrong but it is possible. Do not ever think to yourself that you should know when to shut up. A married couple is supposed to be able to talk to each other even if an argument ensues. He is very childish. Also it seems as though you are the home maker and he is the breadwinner. He should not ever say its "his money." At some point you as a couple decided that you would stay home and he would work. That was the arrangement so it is both of your money.If you are desperate to leave then you should check into womenshelters.org but if it is something you can deal with for now I would suggest you go online to a totally online college get, speak to a counselor at the college website and they will fill out loans and grants for you amd pick what interests you, take the courses and become what you want. You are never too old to make yourself happy and do what you want. Good Luck.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Nancy, did you ever leave him? I hope so. Nothing is worse than being treated like garbage. You are his verbal punching bag, and you seem to be aware of that. It's ok to have made mistakes in the past, we all have. Don't let your fear of admitting you made another mistake keep you in the biggest mistake of all - this relationship. You only have one life, as they say, don't throw this one away. If you want to have more income, consider going (back?) to college, or take a few technical classes on something new that would boost your income. Real estate? Web design? Graphic design? Insurance? Secretarial work? Medical billing/coding? Counseling? You are only 50 (now probably 59 or so), you still have lots of time left to make this life one that you will love. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your grandson. Anyway, you may have already done this. I hope so! Keep us posted if you happen to see this sometime. Best of luck to you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there!  Thank you so much for your support.  I was wondering how old you are and why you stay in your situation.  You say that you are a professional so I'm assuming that you have a good job.  I don't.  If I could support myself in a comfortable way, I would leave.  He always says I'm going to end up on the street, and I'm sure he is right.  He will force me there!  I have so many reasons to leave but something just keeps me taking it and taking it.  He has a daughter that hates me and somehow I just don't want her to win.  She is 26 and they are so chummy.  She went to China in Aug. to teach English, but she still calls him and writes him all the time, which is ok, but he lies to me about it.  When I ask if he has heard from Andrea, he always says no.  But I can check his e=mail and I know she writes him all the time.  I just look to see who writes, I don't open them up so I have no idea what they talk about.  I just don't like the lies.  Why would he lie about that?  My daughter and I talk every day briefly a couple of times a day, but I would never lie about it.  I have a almost 4 year old grandson which my husband can't stand.  He doesn't like my daughter or grandson cause she isn't married and he says I'm her "husband".  He says we won't be rid of them till my grandson is 18.  He is very jeolous of them and resents all my family cause of our relationship.  He can't see that he does the same thing with his daughter.  He's her moneybags.  Everything she needs, he is there for her even at 26 and I'm sure it will never stop.  He always complains about giving things and money away, but he still gives and gives and gives till we have nothing, then he blames me for him being the way he is.  He says I took his manhood away and made him a pansy (not his word).  And  I'm the one who did this to him.  I just don't know how I'll be if his kids ever have kids, cause I sure won't be able to love them because of the way he treats my grandson.  He won't claim him as his grandson.  I'm just a mess and don't know which way to turn.  I would like your number if you dont care.

Nancy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes that is abuse.  It is called controlling and emotional abuse.  I want to tell you to leave him but unfortuately I can't.  I live it every day also.  I am an educated woman. I thought that it wouldn't happen to me.  But I am going to tell you to leave him. It doesn't matter if you have kids or not.  Take them away and yourself away from that bad situation.  I want you to be safe but if he is being like that it is only due time until he hits you.  Honey you deserve better. Do what all of us can't do and go out and have a better life like you deserve.  I wish you well and I pray that it gets better for you.  It will only get better if you choose to leave and make a life for yourself.  Please don't be like me.  Live for yourself remember that we only get one life.  I wish you well and god bless If you need me I will be there for you.  Write me back I will give you my number, Im a good listen.  I need someone to be brave for all of us that can't .  take care Lisa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks so much for your input.  In my heart I know that he is abusive and just plain mean.  But I feel that I should try to work it out if I can.  This is my 3rd marriage and I sure don't look forward to another divorce.  You are young and by your profile you sound very happy.  Remember that your family is the most important and the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  I found out the hard way.  I just don't want to admit another failure.  However, when I look into the future and try to see things down the road, I really don't see it working too well.  We have too many problems with our kids.  Blood is thicker than water especially when the kids were older when we got together.  It's a lot easier when they are very young.  It's nice to see someone so happy as you and your husband appear to be.
Helpful - 0
575741 tn?1235669754
In my opinion your are capable of living a much better life without him in the picture...my thoughts on him getting angry and unplugging the phone for a whole weekend would be that if he were angry with you he would feel no guilt from his actions...I would be suspicious... everything you are experiencing is NOT normal, but you already know that...you need to walk away and be happy whether it be alone or with someone else...things will only go downhill from here...especially because he's already walked all over you and your still around...get some strength in you and stand up for yourself and walk out that door and live happily! You deserve it! Best of luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I sure wouldn't want to spend my life like this. What do think he is doing every weekend?
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
You could ask him if he would get some anger management as he does seem to have a problem with control, I know something about this and it doesnt get better unless he gets help and you learn to stand up to him ,if you have feelings left for him, actually I agree wth Rock Rose and it is time to move away if you dont now at your ;young' age you may get stuck with it. Have you told him you will leave if he doesnt get some help .I understand your feelings only too well and you have to try not to need him now and do something for your self its too much co dependancy.Good luck I know how it feels .
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Life is full of change, much of it positive. your life can be much better, You would be amazed at how happy you could be, even alone.

Write back anytime.
Helpful - 0
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