3.5 yr old agressive child

[vivin2006]

my son is 3.5 yr old started currently we are placed in china shanghai for 2yrs. here the study in kindergarden is level 0 as comparee to India as per his age is don't no much like counting and nothing in writing. whenever i try to teach him he don't want to study and he don't pay attention. and always talk starting to somehting else. I know that he know few thing and whenever I ask him He don't answer. Second problem is he always copy other kids he start now a days he strated talking like one of his classmate whose speech is very bad and my son speech is very clear but he is imitating him so much like putting finger in the month. and saying few bad words and want to wear cloths like him I tried to coreect him that we should not copy other but It does't work. Third problem is he is very agressive some time any guest comes to our house he always misbehave not saying hello and not sitting properly inspite of welcoming the guest he is saying" why you are came here? just go away from our place? my family is very decent we don't have any problem in the family. no family crisis nothing I always try to correct him but he don't listen.

As per his teacher he is very good in school and he always follow whatever teacher says. but at house it is totally opposite he don't listen, don't behave good withother. not sharing toys with other kids don't want to study. I tried everything praise, love, affecting, anger but nothing is working.

please give me some good advise how do I handle my child.


This discussion is related to 2year old's agressive behavior.

[vivin2006]

I tried this let him to stand in the balcony but no result he don't mind at all now the situation is whenever he is going any mistake and I tell him not to do this then he himself tell me " take me to the balcony" or some time he himself go to the seprate room with full of anger whenever I stop himto do any thing. please advise. Now I stop becoming angree on him but and I am polite but he is taking extra advantage. crying on every thing demanding everything. what to do every trik is failed anger, polite, number trik. please advise should I always polite with him, because my anger doesn't work on him, Politeness he is taking advantge, stay along he himself go. what to do.

[Sally44]

He is only 3.5 years old.  So a polite explanation is going to be too long and he won't get it.  You just tell him in very few words eg. "hitting is not acceptable", and you remove him and take him to a place where he has to stay for around 3-4 minutes (1 min for each year of age).  You don't talk to him again, and you don't let him talk to you.  You leave him for that amount of time on his own.  If he keeps getting up, you keep taking him back.  After he has stayed for the time, you go back to him and say "you were told to sit on the stairs because you hit another child, that is not acceptable.  Say you are sorry.  When he has said he is sorry to you, you give him a hug and praise him and he returns to the gathering.  You may want to do this at home for some time to get used to it working.  But you don't engage in dialogue with a 3.5 year old about the rights and wrongs of your behaviour to him and his punishment.  You tell him "it is unacceptable".  And you don't discuss it at that time.  Later on when he has calmed down you might like to talk with him about it, if he is able to do so.  But you are the adult and you are in control.  He is not equal to you he is a child that is learning.
At home you can also work on playing some turn taking games.
Get a reward system up and running that works for you both.  At his age he won't be able to wait for long lengths of time to get rewards.  So if he gets a good behaviour token once a day he can use this for something like watching his favourite DVD, or something similar, and when he has got a pre-agreed number of them he gets a treat (again pre-agreed).

[vivin2006]

hi,
thanks for the reply I will try this reward system. please advise how do I handle his anger and when he do misbehave infront of others and when we go to some place. Its very often that he misbehave whenever we go to any get together and when we correct him that not to hit or puch other kids present their he start shouting on us. that " you are bad mummy or daddy" why are you telling me like this, I will not talk to you" he starting pushing us that is very amberrising situation. He start snaching other kids toys at their home only and whenever any kids come to our home he don't agree to share and play and starting hitting. some times very emberrising in front of other when he don't listen us and we are explaing him polite and he shout on us. please advise to handle the situation.

[Sally44]

You need a reward system in place where he can gain things he wants by good behaviour.  I have heard that the system 1-2-3 magic works well.
At the moment you are threatening him with riprisals if he doesn't do what you want.  So you change it to "when you have done your homework you will get a token, when you have 5 tokens you can choose a reward" - the reward could be a small toy, a trip to the swimming baths, having a friend round for tea etc.  He isn't old enough to understand your verbal logic eg. if you don't behave I won't talk to  you.  He might think great, she'll stop telling me to do stuff I don't want to do.  He is still very young, and is too young for anything more then 10 mins homework a day - infact any kind of learning at his age should be fun and game related.  But he will develop his own personality, so he is never going to agree to do what you want 100% of the time.  You need to give him choices and help him choose the options by the reward system.

[vivin2006]

hi,
thanks for advise. but his speech is clear as far as words is concern, now I have one more big problem arise. I want him to study because once we go back to India he will not be able to copup with the study because there it is very hard. He started hating study. He don't afraid of any thing not my anger not earlier when he was not listing me I use to tell him that I will not talk to u, or I will  make you stand alone in the balcony or something else but not the situation  is totally changed he don't afraid of any thing he himself telling me that I will go in the balcony or other room or he is telling me I will not listen you. I don't know what to do he is totally unafraid from any thing. I dialled his teacher ph and told her that please talk to him and he refused and said that he don't care about teacher. please advise how do I handle him. I did every thing love, praise, Anger, trands. I don't know what to do. He hates study don't want to touch the books. now he don't afraid of anything and he will not listen to me in any situation. please help

[Sally44]

If a child is showing any difficulties with speech and social interaction behaviours, the first professional to call in would be a Speech Therapist.  They will assess all aspects of their expressive and receptive speech, as well as working memory, auditory memory, comprehension and inference skills, and will put together a programme to suit the childs needs if they have any.  They are also the professional who would assess for any social interaction and play skills to make sure that these are age appropriate.    He maybe showing some traits of being on the autistic spectrum, and again the Speech Therapist is the first professional who would assess the child's overall developmental abilities.  If you go to his paediatrician and ask for a referal to a speech therapist who has experience of speech disorders and autistic spectrum disorders they will be able to give you a very clear idea as to the difficulties he has, if indeed he has any.  
You say that he copies and mimicks.  Does he do that with just this one boy, or does he also use words and phrases from other adults, or from TV or DVDs?
Does he find social interaction quite difficult compared to his peers.
He might not be being rude to visitors to your house, he may have genuine difficulties with this, and again a speech therapist should be able to find that out.  However these maybe 'typical' behaviours for a child this age - again the speech therapist will be able to give you a better idea whether this behaviour is appropriate or whether he is having genuine difficulties with social interaction.