Aug 20, 2009
Has anyone ever wondered if karma truly exists??? We say it all the time and some of us are raised with the saying " don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to you", " Help someone in need because one day, you'll be needing someone"... I've never met anyone that has more faith in "good things come to those who do good" than my grandmother. She has been one of the women I admire the most. After my grandfather passed away, she dedicated her life to the church and to help others. She was blessed with 9 kids and all were old enough to take care of themselves at the time. She was still young and could have remarried but she chose to help others and be the strength of our family. I believe that deep down inside, we all turn to her for faith when we need it.
Lately, faith has not been a part of my life. When ppl are having a hard time, I am always there and the first to say that everything happens for a reason even if we don't see it at first. But how can you preach such a thing when you don't believe in it anymore?!
I must have been a murderer in my past life or I broke wayyyyy too many mirrors because everything that ppl say should make you happy... nada for me.
Good health: I have been sick for most part of my life. For as long as i can remember, I couldn't participate in gym during grade school. Highschool, I spent it in the library writing essays for my gym credit. I was never part of any sports team. My clubbing years were spent going home early because I couldn't tough it out lol I had the chance to pursue my dream of being a chef but now, because of my health, I will never be able to continue on. So when do you accept that most of your dreams, are out of reach?
Good friends: I don't know if those exist. I've gotten caught up with relationships in my past so some of it has been on my part. But today, you see who your friends are when you're in need and they are there. The good friends are the ones that do something without you having to ask. I have been too sick to do anything for the past 3 months. Sitting in my apartment, watch reruns of Oprah and Dr Phil lol I have not had ONE single visitor! That hits you. Some ppl are available to party or to complain about their bfs but when it comes down to doing something for their friend in need... POOF... they disappear... crazy magic trick. Why do ppl disappear when someone is in need?
Good fortune: I am not the only person who has it rough in this world but I have always been selfless... doing everything for others. I wonder everyday "when is it time to be selfish???" Cuz most ppl that are in my life, are the most selfish ppl I have ever met. If you are offended by this, it's cuz you know you're one of them! lol My luck consist of having something that brings me happiness but taken away from me. I'm not asking to win the lottery, would be nice, just a break. I lost my best friend at 16. Ever since then, my "luck" is nowhere to be found. I had to grow up faster than anyone I know when someone close to me got sick. She's like super woman to me but watching her in pain, it wasn't right. I will never be able to get those images out of my mind. I spent months trying to cope with the fact that I would have to live my life without her at the age of 19. So my good fortune, the fact that she was given another chance or maybe I was given another chance?!? If you take someone for granted, imagine them near death and how lucky you truly are to have them.
Love: Love comes in so many different ways. You know it's love when you feel it. Lately, all I see are ppl getting engaged, planning weddings, buying houses and having children... these are all ppl that are my age. I live alone, with a dog and my date nights include watching Hell's Kitchen and being with the only 2 ppl that truly cheer me up... Ben and Jerry! lol Why is it that I don't have any of those things and I'm just as good as they are? When ppl are asked what they want out of life, most of their answers are being successful and being wealthy. For me, all I've ever wanted was to have a loving partner and healthy children. My idea of success is watching my grand children play in the yard when I'm 60 while rocking on a chair with my husband. Why is it that the most "normal" things are so hard to achieve???
Some of my friends are planning a grade school reunion soon. The more I think about it, the more I believe that there's no point in showing up. I don't have a career, a fiance or children. I do not own a house or make a lot of money. It's embarrassing! So do I show up and prove to the "bullies" that they were right... I would never be anything?
How do you accept the fact that maybe god has forgotten about you?! I'm sure I'm not the only one who is or has felt that way. I know it's wrong to say but with everything happening, I wonder.
So I believe that karma does not exist. It's merely something that's said to give ppl hope. If you are good, good things will happen to you. All of the bad ppl I know are better off than me. How is that possible?
So when is it ok to lose faith?