May 29, 2016
I had a flashback today. They always seem to come when something good is happening.
I was watching the Blue Jays play and they showed the CN Tower in the background. Anytime I see the Tower, I remember what happened there when I was 11/12. Remembering that molestation is bad enough, but then I remember how my father ignored me and shunned me the rest of the day, ignoring me anytime I went to him for a hug. It was after this assault that he began to treat me differently at home.
Back at home, things changed between dad and I. He started to use sexual words against me. As I got older, he started to refer to my breasts as 'headlights.' If my nipples showed through my bra and shirt or swimsuit, he'd point with a smile and say, "Your headlights are showing!" I was always SO embarrassed and self-conscious after these times, and for the rest of my life.
When my mom crocheted my a Baby in a Blanket Doll shortly after this, he took the hand with the bottle in it and put it down where the genitals would be and pretended to use it as a penis. I ran in and told mom in sobs. She yelled at my dad and the guy she was with for doing it. She always scolded him for doing such things. But he never stopped.
The Blue Jays lost, but it was a good game.