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CN Tower Flashback

May 29, 2016 - 0 comments

I had a flashback today.  They always seem to come when something good is happening.  

I was watching the Blue Jays play and they showed the CN Tower in the background.  Anytime I see the Tower, I remember what happened there when I was 11/12.  Remembering that molestation is bad enough, but then I remember how my father ignored me and shunned me the rest of the day, ignoring me anytime I went to him for a hug.  It was after this assault that he began to treat me differently at home.

Back at home, things changed between dad and I.  He started to use sexual words against me. As I got older, he started to refer to my breasts as 'headlights.'  If my nipples showed through my bra and shirt or swimsuit, he'd point with a smile and say, "Your headlights are showing!"  I was always SO embarrassed and self-conscious after these times, and for the rest of my life.

When my mom crocheted my a Baby in a Blanket Doll shortly after this, he took the hand with the bottle in it and put it down where the genitals would be and pretended to use it as a penis.  I ran in and told mom in sobs.  She yelled at my dad and the guy she was with for doing it.  She always scolded him for doing such things.  But he never stopped.

The Blue Jays lost, but it was a good game.

A Tad Better 06/18/15

Jun 18, 2015 - 0 comments











vivid nightmares


scary nightmares

I feel a 'tad' better today - about 5% improvement.  Still shaky, racing thoughts, pounding heart though not as bad today - geared up and like I am ready to run a race but am not allowed to move from that starting position of "ready, set...." but there is no 'go' to release the energy and tension.  I am not as irritable today - or at least I can catch myself some of the time.

I went to the medication review group of Dr G today.  Only 2 people, myself another person and him.  That made it easier.  I think I like the group and its purpose and I think all doctors working there need to have this kind of thing.  Needs are addressed as if one on one, except it doesn't get into a lot of personal detail.

I go again next week to the group and to see him - plus I see Brad next week too.

Don't understand some of the things I deal with.  I have questions about my dreams - how a former friend/doctor can appear in dreams doing things you never imagined and know he would never do - and this is a person I highly respect and admire.  So why is HE in the position in the dreams that he is?

Why is it memories we try so hard to bury have to come womping us again and again when we think we have finally gotten past them?  I sure wish mom and dad would do therapy with me - I think it would shorten my time there, but I know that will never happen.  That would mean they have to take real responsibility to what they said and did growing up.  It is okay for them to blame their parents for things they endured, but they sure don't want to think they did any wrong.

Plenty of water isn't hard...

Nov 20, 2009 - 0 comments

when one does not control the heat in their apartment.  I have a drink of water constantly on the go and the only other thing I drink is die coke...the real stuff.  I can't have juice because of the sugar.  I can't have milk because if flares my asthma up.  I can't have any hot drinks because my mouth is so sensitive to the heat.  That pretty much limits what I can have.
I used to hate water but it is nothing for me to drink 2-4 Litres of water in one day.  I don't use flavours for the water now either.  Water is really good when you have it in the fridge, ice cold and ready when you need it.  For me that is an ongoing basis.  So each day I allow myself a couple can's of Diet Coca Cola because it is the only other thing all my medical conditions and medications can handle.
No, drinking plenty of water is not difficult.  It's just like any other habit - it takes time to turn trials into a habit you don't even have to think about anymore.