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My Overdose - Day 53

Jul 27, 2010 - 4 comments

Decided to have a meltdown of sorts last night - the day had been fine, but leading into the evening, I started feeling depressed, so I started playing on the computer, thinking it would take my mind off whatever was bothering me.  Before I knew it, I was trying to find out everything I could on what happens to the body during an opiate overdose.  Everything my family/doctors told me was true, but I found there were some things they'd left out.  I don't think it hit me until last night, just how close I came to dying.  I find that extremely upsetting, but am guessing what I'm going through right now is normal.  I can't change the past; I can only make sure I don't repeat previous mistakes.  I imagine time is what I need to process how I'm feeling right now..

My Overdose - Dealing with Some (Girly?) Feelings Today

Jul 15, 2010 - 3 comments

Having kind of a bad evening - not as bad as I'm sure I COULD have, but not the best anyway.

I'm involved with someone that, I sometimes get the feeling doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him - and right now is one of those times.  Most of the time, I really enjoy the relationship b/c we don't live together, and I have plenty of "me" time (I'm so independent, that sometimes, it can be a problem).  Today is one of those days I don't want to be by myself (I think - trying to figure that out), and it just feels like he could care less - he could have seen me last night, but I was busy, and now, today, vice versa - I'm probably over-reacting, or am tired, or hormonal or something, and am trying hard to figure out what exactly it is that is bothering me, before I go off on him (which, yes, I've done, for absolutely no reason, I realize later) ***** being a girl!!!

Blah, blah, blah - I cooked myself some dinner (I'm an EXCELLENT cook) and am watching TV, trying to chill out.  I do counted cross stitch projects, and have one that needs attention, so I will try to pick it up.  I think I am tired - it was 100 degrees today - supposed to be that way through Saturday...and work has been pulling me in 4 directions at once - maybe I am tired.

I'm really glad I'm sober to try to deal with my (girly) feelings - only 6 weeks ago, I didn't want to spend time with him b/c he was interrupting my time with my drugs...and I fully acknowledge this now, and the drugs (almost) won - actually things have been really good between my guy and I since the incident (yes, he knows about the overdose).  It's got to be me (mostly).

I have 41 days clean - I have no intention of going back to how I was before - I've found that the good days are GREAT, and the not so good days - they PASS - so I'm learning to enjoy the good days better and more than before.  Nothing is worth going back to how I was before.  NOTHING.

Men are interesting creatures - we women can't live without you, and we can't kill you!!!  LOLOLOL

My Overdose - Something's Bothering Me

Jul 08, 2010 - 0 comments

One thing that is bothering me today is an ambulance bill I received.  Luckily, I only have a $50 copay.  I had a total of three ambulance rides (1 from my house to the closest ER, 1 from the ER to the hospital my insurance provider uses and 1 to the psych facility).  The bill I got today was for the 1st ride - interesting how you 1) don't realize something will bother you until it's here, 2) something you didn't think would bother you, actually does and 3) something you thought would bother you, doesn't.  I have terrible guilt about this ambulance ride, more so than the other 2.  I just have to let this process itself out - and think and think...

I think about some aspect of my experience every single day, and I know I will for the rest of my life (you know, the life I was given a second chance at living the right way).  I can't change the past, but I can learn from it.  Each day I don't use, is another day I'm beyond grateful I lived through my overdose - and I'm here another day to kick ***, which I do - every single day.

My Overdose - Second Journal Entry

Jul 04, 2010 - 0 comments

I have been clean 30 days today and am so happy to be here and alive.

I had a few people write to me after I wrote "I Overdosed 26 Days Ago" asking me to share more of my story, which I will gladly do now.  It might get kind of long (again), so if you reach the end and aren't snoring, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.

Here's a brief overview of what happened to me.  I had a nasty Norco habit (upwards of 17 10/325 mg pills/day) that lasted about 2 1/2 years and had unwisely tried to kick it cold turkey the first week of June, and was really, really sick from doing so, so after obtaining some liquid morphine (from my gastroenterologist for my Crohn's Disease) and Ativan (I'd suffered two back-to-back deaths in my family in May, hence the Ativan - for sleeplessness) - I accidentally overdosed on the two medications on June 4th.

Thank God for mother's and their "sixth senses."  My mother had been scheduled to be out of town on June 5, but something spooked her about me, and in the early morning hours of June 5, she started calling and texting me, but not getting any responses.  She then contacted my sister, who had to work that day; she, too, started calling and texting me, but same thing - no replies.  Around 11 a.m., my mother decided to come over to my apartment to check on me (very unusual for me not to answer her).  She said she heard the TV, so she knocked - no answer.  She said she thought maybe I was in the shower.  She said she knocked again, but still no answer, so she went to get my apartment manager - she figured I'd mad as hell once they got inside, but was willing to take that chance and put her mind at rest.  Well, when she and the apartment manager got to my door, they gave one last "courtesy" knock and then they unlocked the door to find me lying on the floor, on my back, foaming at the mouth, my face purple and barely breathing; I'd vomited while I was unconscious.  Immediately, my mother called 911, and the manager turned me over onto my side.  After the paramedics and police arrived, the situation was quickly taken stock of, and the paramedics immediately administered CPR (I'd stopped breathing at this point, so the story goes).  The paramedics had to intubate me, and once I started breathing again, was given Narcan to counteract the drugs in my system - no one was really sure how long I'd been unconscious, if I'd suffered brain damage, or even possibly lung tissue damage because of the vomiting - I'd aspirated the contents.  As the story goes, I was taken to the nearest emergency room and kept in ICU into the next day - I remember nothing of this day (it was Saturday).

On Sunday (which I have no recollection of, either), I was transferred to a different hospital because of my health care plan/provider, and again was placed in ICU.  The next day, Monday, I finally woke up, feeling like I'd been hit by a truck, and not being able to breathe - it was like being under water, drowning.  I had an NG tube and was catheterized.  I remember pulling at the NG tube, wanting it out NOW, and a nurse calmly removing it, while another one removed the catheter, but I was so scared.  My blood pressure was 200/107, and I still couldn't breathe.  I had become very agitated and felt beyond sick.  With some help and patience and 2 2 mg shots of morphine, things finally, finally started to calm down.  How I got in the hospital was explained to me, along with the fact that I'd developed pneumonia in both lungs due to the aspiration.  I was so sick, I couldn't even begin to comprehend what it was I'd done - to myself, to my 16-year-old daughter, to my mother and sister, to my boyfriend of 10 years, my friends, my colleagues, my coworkers.

That Monday afternoon, my condition stabilized enough so I could be transferred out of ICU, onto what I thought was a regular floor (not even close).  I spent the next 4 days and 3 nights in this room, never left by myself.  I always had a "sitter."  I thought this was the norm - I thought, well, that's kind of cool to always have someone giving me their undivided attention in a private room - you know, to help out the nurses who were always so busy.  Boy, was I wrong.  The floor I was on was a psych floor.  I didn't find that out until after I'd gotten home.  Anyway, for those 4 days and 3 nights, I was constantly having chest x-rays, blood drawn, vitals taken, medication dispensed and getting breathing treatments, in addition to speaking with this or that psychiatrist, internal medicine doctor and various LCSWs.  It was explained to me that when the paramedics revived me enough for me to answer their questions (of which, again, I have no recollection), that when they asked me if I meant to harm myself, I said yes.  As I said in "I Overdosed 26 Days Ago," I did not intend to harm myself; it was a tragic accident - I still think I thought my tolerance level was so high at that point that I could handle whatever I put into my body - I was so wrong.  So, by saying I meant to hurt myself made me an immediate candidate for a "5150" hold.  I wasn't going to go home when I was released from the hospital - I was going into a psych facility for a mandatory 72-hour hold.

That's it for now - the next post will be about the psych facility, a place no one should ever, EVER have to go - not just because it's a "psych facility," but because of what happened, or more importantly, what DIDN'T happen in there.

Thanks again SO MUCH for taking the time to read - as painful as it is for me to write about my experience, it's necessary for me to do so.

Karen  <3