All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Update on me

Sep 01, 2011 - 7 comments

I have not been on here much, but pray for each and every one of you. I do check on everyone's status here and there to see who is pg, and so on. I am surprised to see all the new pregnancies. CONGRATS to you all.
I have not been focusing on ttc , but have had 2 chemicals back to back. I have been having a hard time with this all. I think it's because of 2 reasons 1) my youngest just started prek and has become so independent, and 2) I am approaching my 32 bday and I know the older you get the harder it is to have a "normal" healthy pregnancy. There are days when I just start crying out of no where, days when I don't want to get out of bed. I am soo jealous of friends and family who are pregnant or just had babies I feel angry towards some, especially the ones who are not in a stable relationship or a stable environment. I feel emarassed that i fell this way, but I catch myself cussing under my breath to these people..< I can't believe I just admitted it. WHich makes it worse Is the little bit of family or friends who don't know what we have been through have been asking us when we are gonna have number 3. I don't just want to blurt out "we HAVE been trying for almost 3 years now and um 8 miscarriages and 6 chemicals" I look at those numbers and think WOW i can't believe you are still trying, but when I think about when my 2 boys were babies I can;t help but think I am doing it, andI am doing it till I get it done!!!!! I don't care about the lack of sleep and all that goes with the joys of a newborn, I loved waking up in the middle of the night to feed my sons. That was total bonding time. I don't want to have to go on medication, although the DH thinks maybe I nee to go to talk to someone about all this. We are not rich, we struggle here and there just like most, and right now we don't have insurance so I cant go to a Dr. My Hubbys company doesn't have open enrollment until late Oct.
I guess I  just needed to vent, you Ladies are seriously the only onew who I can talk to about this, no one cares to hear my m/c story. And thats sad because I have a sister and we used to be so close, but the last 5 yrs all she cares about is the different men in her life!!!! I just keep praying that it will happen soon becaus thats all I have left :(

Vote for my Son PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Jun 21, 2011 - 13 comments

I entered my Son to win a contest so please go to this page if you have FB and then like the page first then click on my son's picture and like it too please!!!!!/photo.php?fbid=194898023896168&set=a.193034644082506.66959.119677788084859&type=1&theater

ER Dr. was a point!

Jun 14, 2011 - 28 comments






My Ob called, not the NP but the Major OB who's office it is wanted a meeting. He said he got the results from the ER and was a little confused. He said my numbers did go up, they were not a 345.5. He must of mixed them up. They just did not double. He did not tell me the numbers because he said all that was going to do was cause me unnecessary stress. The ultrasound did still show a sac with something in it, just wasn't sure if it was a viable yolk sac. My uterus was still enlarged and my endo lining was also good. He said the ER doc was an a$$  He said not to get my hopes up just yet, but I am still pregnant and he did a urine test and still completely dark. I go for a beta tomorrow and then Friday. I also have a u/s friday out of the office who's machines are way better then his or the Er's. Then I have an appt Monday at 1:30 to give me the results. If my uterus is still just showing a sac then I will have a D&C.  He could not believe how insensitive the ER Doc. was. I told him he was rude and in a hurry to get me out of there. So for now I am waiting in limbo. This truly $ucks!!!!!! I am not getting my hopes up, but you could not even imagine the shock on my face!!!!!!! Of course I want the positive outcome, but I will be ok if they tell me for sure it is not a viable pregnancy, I have grieved this pregnancy already twice :)

Problems with DH :( regarding 1st DS who is not his biologicaly!

Jun 12, 2011 - 8 comments

So me and DH rarely fight, and I mean rarely!!! Well since the miscarriage he seems to be more distant and angry. He seems to change his mood from happy to mad in a matter of seconds. I have tried to talk to him, and he says there is nothing wrong. Well our 1st DS who is 11 is not biologically his. It is from a relationship when I was young and dumb. Anyways me and DS biological father don't talk. He has been in and out of prison my Son's entire life, my son hardly knows the Douche bag!!! Well lately it seems like he is picking on my Son. He does not praise him for his good work, but seems always have negative things to say about him. His report card came out and he had a d in math and he had it the previous semester and we told him to bring it up but the end of the semester which obviously he did not. But we knew from the beginning he was having problems with this class it is honors math so it was not like it was a new problem. Then he had 2 b's which he brought up to a's, well DH did not mention anything to him about bringing those grades up all he could focus on was the bad grade. Then my Son plays football and we were talking about it with out neighbors who just put their son in it, and my DH said out of nowhere he (our DS) should not even play, he *****!!!! WTH!!!! I honestly felt so hurt that he would say such a thing, i mean he is 11 he is not a professional football player come on!! I am torn, this is not the 1st time we have had this fight. He knew what he was stepping into when he met me, I told him from the get go I am a package deal you get me you get my little guy. He loves him, but it seems like he has a hard time expressing theses feelings. I know this for a fact because he is the same with me too. I just don't know what to think or how to approach him to talk to him about this. I have heard of a lot of couples who divorce because of this. I love him to death and divorce is not even a thought, but what if this continues to happen???? My Son also sometimes feels like he is to tough on him. My DH had a bad child hood and I did not, so it seems like he is doing the same to my Son. Our 2nd DS is his and there is a difference, but that could be because he is only 4. His Mom messed him up big time. She was never around so he was independent when he was 11, well I am around!!!!!! How independent should an 11 yr old be? he picks up dog poop, cleans his room, separates and puts away his laundry. What else should he be doing??? Please help,  I am going to talk to DH tonight but want to make sure I dont come off wrong, because honestly I would love to tell him to f**k off right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!