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What A Waste

Nov 07, 2011 - 1 comments

I look back on my life and think of all of the things that I've done. There aren't many things that I'm proud of. I look back on all of the opportunities that I've missed and all of the chances that I've been to scared to take and that hurts more than anything. I've created this very lonely miserable life for myself and I just don't see a way out. I really hope that the people that I have come to know over the years understand that I didn't mean to be the way I am i just couldn't help myself. It's been a long time since I've felt a woman's touch. A long time since I've had an experience that would make a good story. I can't even talk to Carolina anymore. Weird. I guess I'd just rather pretend she doesn't exist. My last hope is that I can get disability. Maybe then I can get the help that I need. I guess in all honesty though, there's a part of me that doesn't want that. That way I can just give up this crappy life. 3 years is a long time to go without a healthy sexual relationship. 3 years is a long time to slowly push away all of the people that you've been in any way close to. I guess just sitting up here in the pharmacy by myself I start to wonder what life would be like if I weren't so weird. If I had some idea of who I am. To be in a huge crowd of people and always feel so alone. To see a beautiful women and never be able to talk to her. To want to be close to others and yet be left alone to die in peace. There isn't much left for me to say. I guess I should have tried to get help for all of these problems sooner but, I can't change yesterday. I miss Jess. I even miss London. I miss being happy. The times that I was were brief but, they seem to be just distant memories now. Wish I could just get in my car and drive away. Start a new life. But I can't. I can't do much of anything. I'm still here though. I'll give myself that. I've been trapped in my own head for a long time now but, I keep holding on. Trying to figure out who or what I am. As I always say though, this is no life, the one I live, This is just waiting to die. How much longer can I wait? All things in life are different when you have someone to be close to. Someone to share the bad times with. Girlfriends, best friends, and family are all things that I can never have. A dead end job, a crappy car, and an apartment in the ghetto are all I have left. I can't even stand the sight I see in the mirror. It's pretty pathetic that so many other people have been through so much more than me and seem to come out so much better. It's just a testament to how weak I really am. 26 years on this Earth and I've accomplished nothing. What a waste.

Winding Down

Oct 30, 2011 - 0 comments

"The night is always darkest just before the dawn." That seems like one hell of a good saying. So here I am at my darkest point but, I don't see a dawn in the near future. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I see an ending though. I see a life that's wrapping up and coming to an end. There are times that I can look back on and remember being happy. The time with Jess seems to be a particularly enjoyable memory. And in the end that's all that I have. Memories. I can no longer create happy memories so I try to live in my own head with the ones that I had from the past. I hope that people understand that I didn't mean to be the way that I was. When you hate yourself, it's just easier to take it out on other people. People still tell me that I'm loved and I'll be missed. I just don't believe them. How can anyone truly love someone that isn't even a real person? I've said most of my goodbyes and I've mad peace with most of the people that I needed to. I still have a few people that I have to make things right with in my own way. The light isn't totally out yet. I still have a small spark. A small piece that wants to try one last time to get the help that I need. I intend to try. I intend to go down swinging. But in the end, I truly feel that I will go down. One last try to get the help that I need. I don't expect it to work though. I doubt that a 26 year old man can get disability. But, I'll try. Still though, I can't help but feel like time is running out. Like someone just put a jar over the candle and the light has almost faded away. I can't go through another holiday season alone. I think my time on this earth is winding down.  

Who Am I???

Sep 13, 2011 - 0 comments

   The hardest part of this whole process seems to be trying to figure out who I am. If drugs and alcohol aren't my thing that's great but, what is? I think of myself as an in betweener. Someone that doesn't really belong on any side of the world. It seems that if you really break the world down into it's to broadest groups of people there really are only two groups. Those who belong and those who don't. The ones that "belong" are the socialites and the people who are attractive and successful. They're driven to do well in anything that they do and they surround themselves with people that live the same way. These are the people that I envy because of the obvious reasons.
  
   Then, they're are the one's that don't belong. They are the ones who are unattractive according to the world. They are the ones that the world would consider losers. They work the low paying jobs or use drugs. If not, they may have other problems that keep them from ever reaching that top level of society that really does rule the world. Some of these people suffered with difficult childhoods while other didn't. Either way they surround themselves with people that share the same social and economic status that they do. Some sit around and smoke pot all day, while others wear all black and brood. Some even try to do well but fail in the end.
  
   There are many different variations of these people though. Success is really an objective thing and each of us sees it in a different way. The one thing that these two types of people do share is the knowledge of who they are. They may be fitness models, drug addicts, porn stars, missionaries, oil tycoons, teachers, lawyers, musicians, crack dealers, cops, or anything in the world but, at least they know who they are. That's where I differ. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I belong.  

   My friend of 10 years asked me to live with him and grow medical marijuana but, I turned him down to stay here in North Carolina. I didn't feel like I would belong there and that I wanted to forge my own path. Now regret has begun to invade my thoughts more and more as of late. I haven't done anything positive here. At least I could have had fun. I could have laughed and created memories. Still though, I can't forget that I don't live the same life as him and the people that he knows in Detroit. I don't smoke pot or drink and I like to workout and go to Barnes And Nobles and get a cup of coffee. Yet, I can't help but wonder if I could have found happiness there.
  
   Here I don't seem to belong either. I like to workout but, when I think of being a personal trainer all I can think of is how I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm so shy and unsure of myself that I wouldn't be able to deal with a world of attractive people and a REAL job where I have to learn new skills and keep records. To be honest, some of those people seem so fake and I don't even know if that's what I want anyway.

   Here in lies the dilemma.  I flip flop on a constant basis on what I want and what I think I could do. In the end though, I can't see myself anywhere. I've carved out a lonely life and can't seem to forge a path for myself. I just float around and never really seem to get anything done. I don't know what I want to do let alone can do and don't seem to have any real talent that I could use to make life for myself that I would enjoy. Even if I had all the money in the world, would it buy happiness? If you have everything, what good is it if you have no one to share it with? Such a big part of life seems to be knowing who you are. So the question have have to answer if I ever want a life of my own is, who am I?

Should I Quit?

Aug 26, 2011 - 1 comments

Another weekend approaches. This should be a time when a 25 year old man looks forward to going out and having fun with friends. This should be when a 25 year old man looks forward to meeting a girl. This should be a lot of things but, it won't be anything like that. It'll be a lonely time. A time wasted. As my little sister moves to California and continues with her adventure of a life I stay here. Friends fading away along with hope and desire to keep going. Lost in a Hell that I've created for myself and I have no one to blame but, myself. I want to say goodbye to this life but, I just don't know how. Summer turns to fall and another birthday comes around and I have nothing to show for it. I feel like the battle may be coming to an end. The thought of giving up seems to sound logical. In all reality, some one with the mental problems that I have shouldn't have got to experience the things that I have anyway so, I might have been on borrowed time. The words of kindness that others have offered seem to have lost all meaning. I'm at the point where I hate my job so much that I can barely make it in anymore. I can't really look at myself in the mirror anymore. So many in this world are able to rise above so much more adversity and become productive members of society. So many prove time and time again that no matter where you come from or what life throws at you, if you work hard and never give up, you'll find happiness. Why should I wast their air? I miss Jess. I miss Kieth. I miss Joyce. These are the people that are ALWAYS in my thoughts but, no longer in my life. These are the people that are so different from each other and yet they seem to share one thing. They were the people that I cared for the most. These were the people that cared for me. These are the people that I want to say goodbye to.