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AF!!!!

Mar 16, 2010 - 1 comments

Ugh! AF again! I was hoping and praying we were preggo! I have not had any trouble ttc before.. maybe I am under too much stress. Well DH will be gone for two weeks so it a no go for this cycle too. Sigh...

My Ovulation

Silent tears...

Mar 06, 2010 - 11 comments

Hi everyone, we lost our little one at 17 weeks. I delivered him in the hospital on Jan 7, 2010. He was just perfect, a beautiful little baby boy. We named him Hunter. I have to say that this has been the single most devestating experience I have ever had to go through. He leaves behind my husband and I, and his big sister. We had him cremated since I could not bear the thought of not having him with us. His earthly remains now rest in a beautiful heart shaped urn with an angel on it holding a little baby. Looking at it, it looks like a small jewelry box.  We are getting ready to go on a trip home to visit family. I bought two necklaces to hold a little of his ashes for my husband and I. I have been putting off filling the necklaces because I did not feel I was ready yet. But the time came when I was ready to do it. Secondly to delivering our son it was very hard. I wanted to treat his remains with the utmost delicacy as it is all I have left. My husband and I filled the necklaces and when that was completed I had the incredible urge to gently pour out his ashes and "sift"(for lack of better wording) through them. I could tell my husband could not understand why I wanted to do this but sat quietly and watched. There were bits of his bones in it and I honestly was looking for something that reminded me of his little body, anything... As I did this I was thinking of holding him right after he was born taking in every inch of his little body not wanting to miss a thing. I suddenly realized that what I was looking for I would never find. Silent tears were falling from my eyes.  My baby boy is gone and I won't find him in a pile of ashes. After, my husband said I did not know why you were doing it but I understand you had to do it. I can't explain it my self. Thank you all for reading...

Day dreams...

Mar 02, 2010 - 1 comments

I absolutely could not sleep last night. We are ttc and if I am or do get pregnant who is to say that the same thing won't happen all over again. My precious Hunter never got the chance to live outside of me. I know it is the chance we are taking and my dh says try to stay positive. I can't help the what ifs in my mind though. I finally got to sleep around 4am and when I woke up I was thinking of Hunter. I was almost daydreaming about his little feet and hands, how incredibly perfect he was in my eyes. The nurses did a mold of his feet and hands and it turned out great. I am so thankful that I have that because his actual prints did not turn out well. Now as time goes by everything feels like a dream. It is sad, I don't want to forget any detail. I should be 25 weeks with a round belly feeling his kicks and hiccups, but here I am empty. Thanks I just needed to vent.  

Losing Hunter

Jan 07, 2010 - 3 comments

This is the day I lost Hunter. I was 17 weeks along in my pregnancy. I had an induced, complete miscarriage in the hospital. I miss him!

My Ovulation