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Who I am.

Jan 11, 2015 - 0 comments




I'm a 46 yo Mexican woman.  Came to US at 22 believing I was going to stay 1 year at the most. It's been 24 years. Sadly, I have seen my family back in Mexico only twice in all these years.
I've been married twice,  divorce twice. First marriage 5 years. It was my choice to end it when emotional abuse escalated to physical abuse. My ex husband was a drug addict. I never done drugs.
Second marriage it was my ex husband's choice to end it. The bottom cause: affair with a coworker and didn't give me the opportunity to work out the differences in our relationship. It ended after 7 years, right after I gave birth to our second daughter December 30, 2003. I was diagnosed with moderate postpartum depression. Regardless, he waited 14 days after our baby's birth to notify me of his intentions to divorce me. Our oldest daughter was 3-1/2. Moderate postpartum depression evolved eventually to clinically depressed. And finally I was diagnosed bipolar NOS in April 2011.
The court granted me primary residency of our children. He had weekend visitations and was forced by the judge to a weekday visitation between his weekends to make it less traumatic on the baby.
Before conceiving our first child, I asked my husband at the time if he was sure to stay committed to the relationship because I didn't want to give birth to a child in a relationship that was going to end up in divorce.  He responded he was committed and in agreement.  He changed his mind...
Six months into the divorce chaos I begged him take our daughters for one month so I could check myself in a hospital. He said no therefore I suppressed my feelings and looked for means to support our girls. Living is expensive in California.
I couldn't find but minimum wage jobs with only a high school diploma. Babysitting is very expensive for a child in diapers. Plus the fear of my children being physically molested made me look for the most reliable trustworthy childcare I could find. It was expensive however I thought my daughters are worth the money, of course.  
My efforts to protect my children from such horror were in vain; I found out last October that my oldest daughter was molested at 7 by one of my male friends while his wife and I were packing my belongings because I was being evicted. The guy abused my daughter at my own place while I was there busy with the packing of my belongings.
I still remember the horrible feeling when I heard the sheriff over the phone describing the physical molestation according to my 14 yo words. I still cry and don't forgive myself for what this guy did to my oldest girl and I can't let go off the question of what he might have done to my youngest whom she was 3-1/2 at the time.
July 2012 I took an overdose of depakote and kepra. I ended up one month in a coma. When I came out of the coma my body was in bad shape; I couldn't walk among other physical impairments. I went through 13 painful months of physical therapy.
Please, I beg the readers out there to judge me not. Trauma is a unique experience to the each individual in spite of being the same event. be continued...

I started today: Thursday 01/09/2015

Jan 09, 2015 - 2 comments






I wonder if this tool will really help me to look inside my deep feelings so I can organize my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings. Because I want to be able to go back to live life to its fullest, to have a goal I deeply want to accomplish, to feel the passion everyday to move towards such goal, knowing that I am giving my best every day, that I'm not letting time pass by, that I'm not wasting my life.
I want to learn to live with the circumstances in my life, with the things that are so painful to my heart, things that will never change like the fact that I was not able to live the life of my dreams, specifically being the mom I dreamed being to the two beautiful children I gave birth.
At least I started today. I pray tomorrow may be better than today. Amen....