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Feeling Guilty

Dec 01, 2012 - 10 comments

So as some of you know my best friend was two weeks behind me when I was pregnant with Ruby.  When I lost Ruby I just couldn't deal with it and her pregnancy and cut myself off totally from her.  I wrote her a letter explaining why I couldn't talk to her or be around her and she wrote back saying she totally got it. Even though I felt so bad and guilty about it, I had to do it - it was the only way I could get through all the pain and hurt.

Well she probably had her baby about 2 weeks ago, well that was when she was due anyway and I feel like such a crap friend that I haven't even acknowledged it or tried to find out about it.  But everytime I think about having to face it, I just can't.  Some days I still feel like I'm bearly hanging on and could cry at the drop of a hat and other days I feel ok.  I think if I got in contact with her, it would send me spiralling into a deep dark place and I really don't want that.  I guess I just want reassurance that I'm not a horrible person and that it's ok to keep my distance from her.

Saline Infusion Sonogram

Nov 05, 2012 - 14 comments

So ever since I lost Ruby there has been this 'thing' inside me that nobody could tell what it was for sure.  I have had four ultrasounds with four different sonogragphers and they kept telling me they didn't know what it was and it was really hard to see.  Anyways I had a saline infusion sonogram today in the hopes they could see better and pinpoint exactly what it is.  Turns out it's a polyp and I will have to be put to sleep and have it cut out.  They reckon all the hormones from when I was pregnant with Ruby probably made it develop.  I'm really pissed as I am supposed to be having my FET in mid December and it looks like I may not be able to have it after all.  I wish I could just catch a break and have something go right.  Looks like I'm still being punished for something - wish I knew what it was.....

FSH result - not happy

Sep 18, 2012 - 9 comments

So my Naturopath wanted me to get all my hormones tested on day 2 because I haven't had it done since last year.  I just got the results back from my doc and am yet to take the results to my Naturopath to discuss.  I am not happy though.  My FSH is now 9 which is freaking me out.  In 2010 it was 6 point something and 2011 it was around 7.  So now it's jumped to 9 - I feel like every year that goes by I am losing my grip on my fertility.  I just want a god damn baby and all I can hear is my biological click ticking like a bomb that's about to go off.  I was so close to fulfilling my dream with Ruby and then totally had the rug pulled out from under me.  This bad news about my FSH is bringing back feelings of despair and hopelessness that I thought I was dealing with.  Why does life have to be so hard.

On a side note my LH is 3.3 IU/L and my Oestradiol is 72 pmol/L - not sure if this is good or not but passed caring at this point.

Anticardiolipin Antibody IgG - help please

Sep 07, 2012 - 7 comments

Hi guys,  I'm not really ready to come back to Medhelp yet but I had some tests results come back and was wondering if any of you had some knowledge about it.  I had a whole range of tests done after my 18 week miscarriage but nothing came back of any significance.  I then started seeing a naturopath and she wanted to test me for a whole bunch of stuff and because I wasn't really sure what I have and haven't been tested for she tested ffor everything again.  Anyway almost all the tests came back normal but one thing didn't, which is my Anticardiolipin Antibodies IgG which came back moderate positive.  I am not due to go back and see her for a couple of weeks to discuss the results but in the meantime I have been googling about it.  I was wondering if any of you have been positive for Anticardiolipin Antibodies and what you know about it??