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In desperate need - Panic Stations!!

Aug 16, 2015 - 2 comments
Tags:

desperate

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Panic

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Weight gain

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help



I've gained weight for real after telling people frequently over the years that I've put weight on when I haven't.  I recovered from Anorexia and Bulimia, but have noticed myself being too relaxed about my food consumption.  I recognize that I eat more whilst drunk.  I have also had 'menopausal' weight gain.  A lot of bad stuff is going on for me in life right now, including the passing of my Father.  However, it's frightening me that I am wanting to die mostly because of my weight.  I am bloated at present, which has bought on an uncomfortable wave of panic, and a stronger urge to die.  I don't want anybody to see me at this size; and won't be able to 'go through' the help I need.
My weight is the be all and end all now.  I can't think straight (not drunk at present!).  Can anybody give me some calm?  Death is my own answer :-\  Beanie0

My State!!

Aug 10, 2015 - 1 comments
Tags:

mood

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changes

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needs

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trying

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manic



Am presently trying to keep safe.  Am on and of 'Manic', in fact my mood is all over the place.  Grieving over my Dad - first close person to die in my life.  Like everything else, am dealing with the whole thing in a very unstable and useless way.  I don't expect a reply for a change!  I just know that I need to perhaps talk to my Doctor.  Beanie0 :-)

May I ask for comfort?  A puzzle of a Journal Entry I'm Afraid :-\

Jul 07, 2015 - 4 comments
Tags:

Ask

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scared



I am so sad and scared.  I went to my Dad's Funeral today, it felt surreal.  My friend came with me, she was brilliant and got me through - I don't think she knew how much help she really was.  My whole being felt tortured....I can't communicate...I can't explain, so nobody is going to understand.  Why, oh why can't I ??  I want to share.  I did e-mail my Doctor, because it's got to that time, now he's gone.  I need to heal, or, at least solve some of the muddle I have in my mind from the past. I think I'm going to crumble,shake and collapse pathetically.  I need to cry right now, but I can't.  I feel like I've been violently slapped in the face.  Come on Beanie0 please, please.  The smile - :-)

I don't want to think anymore.

Jan 20, 2015 - 0 comments
Tags:

negative

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risk

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think

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spiritual

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wrong



I don't like the idea of thinking with out a safety net,  I will fall dangerously,  as part of being human I've (without really knowing) had an increase in 'negative difficulties' beyond normal.  In comparison to the PAST usual me and my constant emotional suffering, NOW feels wrong on a more spiritual level.  I try to be Christian, but haven't been well enough to mix with others.  I don't think saying I feel wrong on a spiritual level was quite what I meant....It just DARK, wrong somewhere?  Mind, body and soul at risk - Pray I escape from thinking.  Beanie0 still smiles :-)!