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9 Years of PTSD/Anxiety

Jun 07, 2019 - 1 comments

It's been a minute. I was randomly thinking of this site last night and remembered how helpful it was when I was in the thick of my mental breakdown.

That was over 9 years ago!

At that time I was terrified, not sleeping, panicking all the time, felt like I was in a dream, was either crying or not feeling anything, couldn't see straight, couldn't function, and I couldn't even return to my apartment so I was sleeping on my parents couch. I thought my life was ruined and I would never be okay again. I searched here for a cure, because that's what I wanted. That's what I NEEDED.

But I didn't find a cure, I didn't find any easy way out of the dark or a quick fix. That was frustrating. I wanted someone to tell me I would be okay and I would be okay now. I wanted a definitive answer on when things would get better and that I would be back to my normal self again, and I just couldn't find that. I was frantic and scared and it was such an awful time.

But now that I'm over 9 years down the line, I get it. There is no cure, no quick fix, and it takes work. I am not the same person I was, and I never will be.


I'm okay. I got better and found a new normal. I can count the amount of really bad panic attacks I've had in the last few years on one hand. That seemed unfathomable back when I was drowning in them.

So I guess if you're looking for hope; it's there. You will be okay again, the world will make sense and you will find your new normal. Just hang in there.

Anxiety/Panic 2 Years Later

Mar 12, 2012 - 1 comments

So I'm a little late posting this, but that's okay.

As of January 9th this year it has been two years since I started having panic attacks and suffering with anxiety. Two years, but it sometimes feels like it's a lifetime later, or that it never even happened.

When I first was suffering I came on this site everyday, multiple times a day, and asked every question under the sun.

Was I going crazy? Was I going to die? Was this thought or that thought normal? I'm shaking internally, is that a symptom? What about meds? Will I get addicted, or what if they don't work? Will I ever be normal again?

And my biggest question was always, is there a cure, or is this forever? I wanted to hear that of course there's a cure.

I never heard that, and it made me miserable. Now I see there was no reason to feel that way.

Will I always have anxiety? Yes, I will. But honestly I do feel cured 99.9% of the time.

So it does get better. I do still have small panic attacks once in a while, but it's nothing like it was, and it's nothing that I can't manage.

In two years I've gone from not being able to leave my mom's house, to working full time, taking numerous road trips, and even flying again on vacation. I haven't taken an ativan in over a year, and I have stopped spending hours on the computer googling various ailments. There are small victories too, like being able to go to sleep without the tv on. Actually sleeping at all became quite an accomplishment.

I went from being completely hopeless two years ago to being "normal". I go to work, I hang out with friends, I drive out of town, I take zumba classes, and I rarely if ever think about anxiety.

I also know though that it's still there, off in the background, and it could pop up again at some point. It just hasn't, and that's great. And even if it does, I know now that I can handle it.

My main point is IT DOES GET BETTER. You will get better, and things will be okay.

Intrusive Thoughts

Sep 28, 2011 - 0 comments

intrusive thoughts



I seem to have picked this one really rare medical ailment and I find myself sometimes freaking out for no reason over it. I don't have it and chances are VERY slim that I'll ever get it, but I am terrified of it. I think it's because it seems like it's possibly the most horrible thing that could happen to a person, and it's become one of my biggest fears. I'm not even going to say what it is because I don't want to traumatize anyone else lol. Yesterday at work I suddenly worried that I was seconds away from getting it, and I felt that all too familiar heat rise from my core. I started to feeling a little faint, hot, and dizzy, but I breathed through it and calmed my dumb *** down. So that's a good thing. Now if only I could forget this stupid medical thing, I think I would be happy.

Anxiety/Panic Tracker

Things Are Good

Jun 01, 2011 - 2 comments

Things are better, for the most part. I'm trying to not be so oh woe is me all the time, I think the emo thing can get annoying. I don't want to be annoying.

I went to Vegas, and it was awesome. I flew and didn't freak out once. That was huge for me. As soon as I had my first panic attack and subsequent nervous breakdown or whatever that was, one of my first thoughts was "I will never be able to fly again". I love to travel so that was a huge blow. I figured that since I couldn't walk to the mailbox, or really leave the couch, without freaking out, there was no way I'd ever get on a plane again.

But I did, and it was awesome. I can't explain how happy I am that it happened and that it went well. I've come so far in a year and a half, and I'm proud of myself.

I'm also dealing with the boy thing much better now. I can do better, and I know that. I'm done selling myself short.

Now I'm just trying to deal with money issues. It seems like my bills just keep piling up. Medical bills, credit card bills, student loans, and then my car needs to be registered as of yesterday. If only I'd hit the jackpot in Vegas.

I'm not falling apart though, which is also new. My entire life seems like it has been filled with stress. Stress over nothing usually. I was the queen of turning something tiny into something catastrophic. I'm trying to deal with life better, so I'm logically approaching this money issue and proactively dealing with it instead of falling apart and taking a nap, which is what I use to do.

So yes, things are good.