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Stupid Movie

May 30, 2011 - 0 comments

Don't watch The Human Centipede. It totally caused me to have a really minor panic attack, but still any kind of panic attack no matter how minor is not cool. I use to love horror movies, and I still do, but I think there are definitely some that I should not watch. This was one of them.

Anxiety/Panic Tracker

Depressed and Heartbroken...Not a Fun Combo

May 11, 2011 - 6 comments

My anxiety has been okay lately, though it has been higher then I like, but now it's the depression that's really acting up.

I have little to zero motivation. I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate the things I've been doing. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't even care.

Except I do, that's why I'm here, rambling on this site. I don't want to feel this way. I wish I had the energy and desire to make it through a day like a normal person. I feel so awful, I called in to work today and haven't left my bed. I feel restless and sad. Just really sad.

It doesn't help that the love of my life has decided that I'm not for him. My entire life changed with a text message and I don't know up from down, left from right. I have no idea what I'm suppose to do now, how I'm suppose to proceed. More importantly how am I suppose to live without him? How am I suppose to just be okay with him moving on to someone else? How in the hell do I do that when my heart hurts so much and I feel like I can't breathe?

8 years with this guy. Spending everyday with him. What am I suppose to do now?

I want to do nothing but sleep. Or run away. I'm trying my best not to sob, and I'm also trying to keep the anxiety I can feel rumbling around in my stomach from breaking free and sending me into an attack. It's my TOM too, so my hormones are out of control.

I just need a break. Or I need to run away. I don't know what I need......I just need SOMETHING. Anything.

Help.

Dumbest. Panic Attack. Ever!

Apr 08, 2011 - 7 comments

I had the weirdest panic attack ever. The other day at work I was reading about "locked-in syndrome", which I SHOULD NOT have been looking at considering my ridiculous health anxiety. And for the love of everything, if you don't know what it is, DON'T GOOGLE IT.

Anyway. Basically I think it is the worst thing that could happen to someone in my honest opinion. Being trapped completely in your own body? No thank you.

So I was trying to go to sleep and I started thinking about it. I read about people who got it after strokes, and 2 of them were really young. One was a teen involved in a car accident, and the second was a 26 year old mother of 2. I thought about how awful it was and how it hit them really out of nowhere. Then I became convinced within a split second that it was about to happen to me.

I got the heat traveling through my body and that stupid surge of adrenaline. I couldn't breathe and I was shaking uncontrollably. The whole time I knew how stupid it was and I kept telling myself to calm the eff down and stop being ridiculous, and it kinda worked. I didn't have a full blown attack, but it's the most intense attack I've had in quite a while.

Ever since then my anxiety has been fairly high, but still managable. I'm an idiot and stopped taking my prozac because I figured I was doing so well and I'm on such a small dose that I could go without it. I did this without doctor's permission. I know I am an idiot, and I definitely won't be doing that again.

I'm worried because I just booked a trip to Vegas for the end of May, and I'm flying. I've flown before but I haven't since I started having panic attacks. I'm really, really terrified that I'm going to have one on the plane and make a fool of myself.

Ugh. One day at a time.

Things WERE awesome, and then.....

Mar 10, 2011 - 0 comments

I swear I'm going to stop acknowledging when things are going well. Everytime I feel at peace, everytime I realize just how awesome everything is and how good my life is going, things fall apart. Right after my last entry when I announced that I was feeling great and things were good, my anxiety returned and it has yet to go away again.

It's been worse since this weekend when I got drunk. I've had a few drinks since I started having panic attacks and it never made my anxiety any worse. This weekend though it was horrible and I'm still reeling from it. My drinking days I think are now behind me, I can't handle it if it's going to make my anxiety act up. My sleep and everything is ALL screwed up again, and I've started having the mini panic attacks I use to get when I was trying to fall asleep.

I hate anxiety.

I know that things will get better, and I know that even with how bad I feel right now, this is by no means the worst my anxiety has ever been. If I could survive the first few months last year when I was having multiple panic attacks a day, I think I can survive anything. This should be a cake walk. But stupid anxiety is never a cake walk. It's ever changing and evolving and making me think that this time something IS seriously wrong.

And I'm suppose to fly on a plane soon. Well in May. I was excited about it, but now I don't know that I can do it. I'm having a hard time controlling my anxiety on the ground, how on earth am I going to do it in the air?

Ugh.