All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Bad Weekend

Dec 28, 2010 - 0 comments

I'm in a horrible mood right now. Everything seems to be going wrong, and I just want to crawl under the covers and never come out. Life just doesn't seem worth it at the moment.

I keep getting sick, whether it be stomach issues or kidney stones. It's causing problems at work, which makes me super angry. I'm constantly covering for other people all the time, just a week ago I missed my family Christmas party to cover for my supervisor whose son had hurt his finger or something stupid. I wouldn't mind except she does this ALL THE TIME. She's rarely scheduled to work an actual dispatch shift (she usually just comes in and sits in her office whenever she wants), but when she is because she's covering someone's vacation or something like that, she always calls in. Always. It's either she's sick, her mom is sick, her son is sick, her garage door won't open, her dog hurt himself, etc.

On Friday, Christmas Eve, I got hit with a horrible kidney stone halfway into my shift. I tried to hold out, but the pain was horrible and I didn't even have ibuprofen to take. I was throwing up nonstop, and I seriously wanted to die. I called my boss, and she said she couldn't come in because she was on her way to her dad's to open presents. REALLY?

I called everyone else. I had 3 hours left of my shift so it's not like I was asking them to cover the whole thing. No one could come in. Finally, a night shift girl said she could come in a little early, but not much. At this point I'm in so much pain and I'm trying not to cry. I can't even think straight anymore. I remember thinking that if the only way I can leave to get help is if I quit, then I was going to.

I'm training a new girl who was working with me that day, and she kept telling me to go, she could handle it. I'm a police dispatcher, and we only had 3 officers on, so I finally gave in. I took a radio with me to monitor the traffic, and we told the officers that I was leaving so they needed to not do anything unless it was an emergency for the last 3 hours of their shift.

I went straight to the ER and spent the next 4 hours there.

Now, I'm getting in trouble. I shouldn't have left the new girl alone, I should have held out or waited for the other girl to get here, and plus I'm out of sick time so that's a whole other story. I'm just waiting for my boss to get here today, it's my first day back, because apparently we need to talk. Yay.

I spent my Christmas break in pain, crying, and super depressed. I don't hate my job, but I hate the people at it. I don't want to be here, and I dread each work day. I think I'm going to go on FMLA so they can't say a thing to me about missing work.

I've gone above and beyond for this company, even working a 20 hour shift one day because no one else could come in, but none of that matters. It's only when you screw up that people around here take notice.

Screw them.

This is just stress I don't need.

Post Vacation Blues

Dec 16, 2010 - 0 comments


So I left last week on my cruise, and I was actually really surprised at how well I handled it for the most part. I survived the 13 hour drive, getting on the boat, and then everything else, and only once did I feel panicky and that was after drinking in Mexico.

I never really felt sea sick, even though on Thursday we hit really rough seas and the crew was handing out barf bags. I was totally fine until I stepped on land. I've been sick ever since then, feeling nauseous and like I'm still on the boat. Everything is rocking, bobbing, and I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in every direction. When I walk I feel like I'm walking uphill, then downhill. It's really weird. My aunt told me this would happen and told me not to panic, but telling me not to panic when something feels weird and I'm sick is like telling a blind man to just stop not being able to see.

I got on the internet to look up land sickness, which led me to the wiki page on a rare disembarkation sickness that can last years for the unlucky few who get it. I of course freaked out and now believe that I probably have that. That or a brain tumor.

The 13 hour drive home I was able to hold it together, even though I was so sick and dizzy that I wanted to die. Then Sunday night I went to dinner with my friend and I fell apart. I didn't exactly feel panicky, just really, really weird and tired and sad. I just started bawling and I couldn't really explain to him what was going on, which always makes me feel like a crazy person who can't control my emotions.

I've just felt weird and off all week, really tired and depressed. I'm worrying now that I ate something weird or got something horrible in Mexico since I had a drink with ice in it. It's a long shot in Cabo, I'm sure they try hard to keep their ice clean, but who knows.

I'm hoping this is just some post vacation blues coupled with the release of all the anxiety I had before and during the trip. Maybe my body and my mind are just worn out from all the stressing that I did, and now it's just done. It's letting me know that it needs a break, that I need to calm down and relax.

Which is what I thought I was doing with a vacation, but apparently not.

I just wish I could pinpoint exactly what's wrong, without worrying about every possible horrible thing it could be. What if, what if, what if. That seems to be all I've thought this week.

Cruise Panic

Dec 08, 2010 - 0 comments

I was on the third day of my trip, and I was actually feeling great about how well I was doing on both the 13 hour drive to San Diego, and the time spent on the cruise ship. Wednesday we went to Cabo San Lucas and I had a few drinks, and once my friend and I returned to the boat she passed out. I started to feel a little sick because of the alcohol and the movement of the boat, and I started to panic a bit because my friend was asleep and I had no phone service to call anyone else. I deep breathed and started to read a magazine so it didn't turn into a huge panic attack, but it was the worst anxiety I've had in quite sometime.

Anxiety/Panic Tracker


Nov 14, 2010 - 0 comments

Something is going on with my stomach. I get horrible pain and nausea everytime I eat, and last night the pain was so horrible I ended up having a panic attack. I got so scared that something was seriously wrong and I just couldn't get the pain to stop no matter what I tried. It subsided after a while and my mom said she thinks it may be my gallbladder. Now I have yet another trip to the doctor coming my way.

Anxiety/Panic Tracker